What's A Soap Opera Without A Wedding?

"Why the hell did I agree to this?" Mystique grunted as she looked at herself in the mirror. She was wearing a white wedding dress. She was in the new Dreadnok compound which looked a lot like the old Dreadnok compound, complete with an upstairs cabin and downstairs command center.

"Because my brother thinks that by marrying into this circus of a family you'll be protected by Cobra and he can legally lay claim to the kid in your belly," Zarana scoffed as she stood behind her in a pink bridesmaid gown.

"No, that's why he wants this, why I am agreeing to it I have no idea!" Mystique said.

"Oh I don't know," Zanya hissed as she was forced to endure a pink dress as well. "Free shelter for you and the kid, a hideout from Magneto and the X-Geeks, a position of second in command of the Dreadnoks, a claim to half the money Dad's earned his whole life! Any of that ring a bell?"

"You know I am so looking forward to being your stepmother?" Mystique said sarcastically.

"The feeling is mutual," Zanya hissed. "Listen here, just because you got knocked up and lucked into this doesn't mean we're gonna just lie down and take it!"

"I wish you would take off period!" Mystique snapped. "Because if you think I'm gonna put up with that mouth of yours…"

"Bite me!" Zanya made a rude gesture.

"If you insist…" Mystique made a move to attack her.

"SIT DOWN!" Zarana shoved Mystique down on a seat. Then she whirled on her niece. "And you…Zip it! Cor this is gonna be one big happy family…"

"Yeah the Manson family!" Mystique told her.

"Hey Mystique, how about for your honeymoon you go over Niagara Falls in a barrel?" Zanya snapped. "Without the barrel!"

"Why you little…" Mystique leapt to attack her.

"Come and get me you cow!" Zanya shouted as she tried to tackle Mystique.

Zarana stepped between them and tried to keep them apart. "If either of you twits rip my dress I'll clean both your clocks!" She shouted.

Meanwhile outside the new Dreadnok compound Zartan was waiting for the ceremony to begin. He was wearing a tuxedo as well as his brother Zandar, his best man. The Dreadnoks had somewhat cleaned up with their tuxedos having the sleeves ripped off. Road Pig was sobbing heavily. "I always cry at weddings!" Road Pig sobbed. "Me too!"

"Oh great," Zandar grunted. "Both his personalities are going to be emotional wrecks."

They could hear something break inside. "I just hope our new base isn't wrecked," Zartan winced. "Maybe this is a bit difficult for Zanya…"

"You think?" Zandar raised an eyebrow. "She barely tolerated her own mother."

"We all barely tolerated her mother," Zartan snapped. "She was a lying cheating witch who only cared about herself."

"And this is a step up from Mystique how?" Zandar asked.

"ZANYA PUT DOWN THE BLOODY FLAMETHROWER NOW!" They heard Zarana screaming inside the building. "I MEAN IT YOUNG LADY! AND YOU CHANGE BACK INTO WHATEVER PASSES FOR HUMAN! MYSTIQUE THAT DRESS BETTER NOT BE RIPPED!"

"Maybe I should go check on them," Zandar sighed. "Monkeywrench! I need your assistance!"

CRASH!

"Not to mention a few tranquilizer darts," Zandar groaned as he ran off.

Sabertooth happily wandered off to a very nervous Zartan and put his arm around him. "I've said it before and I'll say it again," He grinned. "You poor, poor bastard."

Meanwhile the other guests were also waiting around in the outside. "A wedding in a swamp," Destro sighed. "I cannot think of a more appropriate place for the nuptials of these two reptiles."

"Hey it's a day out with free food okay?" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Not to mention free wine!" The Baroness gulped down another glass. "The only saving grace to this nightmare!"

"Kind of hitting the sauce a little early aren't we Baroness?" Cobra Commander asked. "Is that your second or third vat of wine?"

"It's not really that bad," Dr. Mindbender commented. "They have a halfway decent buffet table. Not just donuts and grape soda. The flowers are nice. Ow!" He slapped a bug the side of his neck. "The mosquitoes I could do without."

"This whole situation bugs me!" The Baroness slurred. "Ha! I made a funny!"

"Have you been drinking?" Cobra Commander asked her.

"Yes I've been drinking!" The Baroness snapped. "And I plan to go on drinking for the rest of the day!"

"She's been like this all day," Destro whispered to the others.

"GEE I WONDER WHY?" The Baroness snapped. "I MEAN I'VE ONLY BEEN WITH YOU FOR…I DUNNO, FOREVER AND I HAVE YET TO SEE A RING! MAYBE I SHOULD GET KNOCKED UP! NO WAIT THAT DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU EITHER!"

"Somebody's in trouble," Buzzer snickered in a singsong voice.

"How would you like your chainsaw inserted in a very painful place?" Destro glared at him.

"Uh, speaking of painful," Monkeywrench gulped as he looked behind them. "I think we have a problem."

Everyone was shocked when a set of metal spheres landed and opened up. "Magneto!" Zartan gulped. "Who invited him?"

"I did," Sabertooth grinned.

"What?" Cobra Commander yelped.

"Thought the Boss might get a kick out of this," Sabertooth was clearly enjoying himself.

"Excuse me, I need to go hide under the buffet table…" Dr. Mindbender backed away.

"This does not look good…" Destro gulped.

"It does from my point of view," Sabertooth grinned.

"I knew I shouldn't have worn the helmet today…" Cobra Commander moaned. "Why the hell didn't I choose the cowl?"

"Cobra Commander if I wanted to kill you, I would have yanked all the iron out of your diseased body the second I walked into this garden," Magneto growled as he and some of his minions approached. "And then crushed your head like a tin can."

"Well somebody's grumpy," The Baroness hiccuped.

"Fortunately for you," Magneto decided to ignore the Baroness' inebriated state. "I have decided to ignore our past…breach of contracts. Let's cut to the chase, we both need…services and supplies that the other can provide."

"You are proposing an alliance?" Destro asked.

"Well he ain't asking you to do the Hokey Pokey," The Baroness slurred. "Which is a bit of a shock I admit. I mean the last time your daughter was the one who double crossed him if I recall."

"You can't even remember your own name in your condition!" Dr. Mindbender shouted from his hiding place.

"Come out from under the table and say that!" The Baroness snapped.

"I am willing to…overlook your offspring's transgressions," Magneto folded his arms. "Lord knows I have enough problems with my own children."

"You got that right!" Sabertooth scoffed.

"The truth is," Magneto glared at Sabertooth. "Even though I despise Cobra it might not be a bad idea to have an alliance with the mutants who work within the High Command."

"He knows all he has to do is pay you off," Sabertooth snickered.

"Sabertooth…" Magneto's voice warned.

"Uh yes," Cobra Commander gulped. "Why not have an alliance? Let bygones be bygones."

"Oh shut up and get us some drinks!" Pyro shouted.

"Forget it!" Lorna snapped. "We can barely handle you sober!"

"Ooh! Tiki Torches!" Pyro's eyes lit up.

"No fires!" Lorna snapped. "God I am going to kill Lucas for ditching me at a time like this!"

"This is not exactly how I envisioned spending an afternoon either!" Mastermind snapped.

"Uh, everybody let's sit down and get ready for the ceremony!" Zandar came back out.

"Yeah the sooner we get this nightmare over the better," Mastermind grunted as they went to their seats.

The Cobras sat on one side, the mutants at the other. "Are you sure having an alliance with Magneto…" Xamot began.

"Is such a good idea Cobra Commander?" Tomax asked.

"You know they're going to try and double cross us?" Destro whispered.

"Well duh!" The Baroness rolled her eyes.

"Yes but we know that they are going to double cross us," Cobra Commander whispered to them. "But they don't know that we know that they are going to double cross us."

"But what if they know that we know that they are going to double cross us?" The Baroness asked.

"Even if they did know that we knew that they were going to double cross us it doesn't matter," Cobra Commander hissed under his breath. "Because they don't know that we know that they probably know about the double cross, so we double cross them first before they figure out that we know what they know."

"Did anybody understand that?" The Baroness asked. "Or is it just me?"

"For once it's not the alcohol fogging your brain," Destro grunted.

"Look…" Cobra Commander was losing patience. "It's just the fact that we get them before they get us! And they don't know about it! Got it?"

"Unless the mindreader over there picks it up," The Baroness pointed. "Then he'll know that we know that they know that we know what they know. You know?"

"I must be losing it too," Destro moaned. "That actually made sense!"

"All right," Copperhead stepped to the front. "Let's get this wedding on the road."

"You're presiding over the ceremony?" Destro was shocked.

"Who did you think we'd get? The bloody Pope?" Zartan snapped.

"It's all right," Copperhead said. "During my years as a mercenary before joining Cobra I got ordained as a minister by mail order. I tell you I got a pretty penny doing some stuff than non ordained folks could do."

"From what order were you ordained?" The Baroness spoke out. "St. Francis of Assassins?"

"Can we just get this over with?" Magneto asked. "I'm on a bit of a schedule here. And Pyro is getting a little too interested in those Tiki torches for my own liking."

"Oh I am so glad…" Xamot smirked.

"We brought the video camera," Tomax finished.

"Let's just get this over with before the groom comes to his senses and flees the country," Sabertooth snapped.

"Good idea," Zandar said. "Hit it!"

Monkeywrench pressed a button on a boom box and 'Here Comes the Bride' played. Zarana came first with a black eye. Zanya followed with her hair in a mess and Mystique followed in her dress looking impeccable.

"White?" Buzzer shouted in the back. "Girl who are you kidding?"

"SHADDAP!" Mystique screamed.

"Dearly beloved," Copperhead began. "And those idiots who barely tolerate each other…We are gathered here for the purpose of joining the lives and bank accounts of Zartan of the Dimwitted Dreadnoks and Raven 'Mystique' Darkholme the Wicked Blue Bitch of the West."

"Watch it!" Mystique grabbed Copperhead by the throat. "I just decked my bridesmaids! You wanna be added to the list?"

"You gotta admit it fits!" Sabertooth shouted.

"You're next you know?" Mystique snapped.

"Can we cut to the chase here?" Zartan asked. "Before somebody cuts your throat?"

"Okay do you Zartan promise to love, honor and cherish…" Copperhead started to sputter. Then he started to laugh. "Yeah like that's really gonna happen!"

"Yes! Fine! Whatever!" Zartan snapped. "Get on with it!"

"Dead man walking!" Sabertooth laughed.

"One more word out of you and I will let her hit you!" Zartan pointed to Mystique. "I mean it!"

"Well at least one man around here means what he says!" The Baroness grunted. "Unlike Chrome Dome over here!"

"Not now Baroness…" Destro warned.

"And do you promise to stick with him for as long as you think it's a good idea?" Copperhead asked Mystique.

"Why the hell not?" Mystique rolled her eyes.

"Oh promise me that some day you and I…Will take our love up to a distant sky! What is a promise?" The Baroness stood up. "There are many kinds of promises…"

"Oh god she's soused out of her mind," Ripper blinked. "Road Pig you getting this on camera?"

"Sniff! Sobb! Wahhhh!" Road Pig sobbed. "This is so beautiful!"

"Oh blimey! I got it," Buzzer said as he held the camera.

"Promises! Promises! Promises!" The Baroness shouted. "That's all I ever hear is promises!"

"Not now!" Destro tried to make her sit down. "Baroness you are making a fool of yourself!"

"Well that's nothing new now is it?" The Baroness snapped. "I've been nothing but your fool for the longest time! And what have I got to show for it?"

"Well those love handles on you look quite fetching!" Pyro shouted.

"You are not helping Pyro…" Magneto looked like he had a headache.

"Even Zartan of all people is willing to make a commitment!" The Baroness screamed. "WHY THE HELL CAN'T YOU?"

"You want me to copy them?" Destro shouted back, pointing at Zartan and Mystique.

Drunkenly the Baroness looked at Zartan and Mystique. "You have a point. But still if these losers can get married why the hell can't you marry me?"

"Because you're a drunken witch from hell?" Zanya called out.

"Because you have the warmth of a pencil?" Zarana shouted.

"Because you look like someone ran over you with an 18 ton semi?" Mystique shouted.

"Because you like to run around in your underwear and sing Kiss songs while howling at the moon?" Pyro shouted. Everyone looked at him. "I didn't want to be left out."

"Well at least I don't look like a freaking blueberry!" The Baroness shouted. "You know from that movie Charlie and the Chocolate Factory where the little girl…" She made a fat face.

"I saw that movie!" Pyro said happily.

"Pyro shut up and go play with the Tiki torches will you?" Mastermind rubbed his head.

"Okay!" Pyro ran over to play. "Look! I made a dragon!"

"Fine Pyro…" Mastermind groaned.

"What did you do that for?" Lorna asked him.

"Because maybe we'll get lucky and he'll burn the place down," Mastermind told her.

"I hate to admit it but he does have a point," Magneto winced as The Baroness, Mystique, Zanya and Zarana were screaming at each other.

"That's it! I'm gonna kick your AGGGGHHH!" Mystique shouted as Zanya pulled her hair.

"Bring it on Blueberry!" The Baroness leapt at her only to get socked by Zarana. The two of them wrestled and fell into the swamp. Meanwhile Mystique and Zanya fell back into the wedding cake and fought it out.

"Puff the magic Dragon!" Pyro sang as his creation trashed the flowers. "HAHAHAHA!"

"This is the best wedding I have ever been to!" Sabertooth laughed as he chugged some beers.

"Okay gentlemen place your bets!" Buzzer called out as several of the Cobras started betting on the fights.

"Twenty thousand on the Baroness!" Xamot shouted.

"Twenty thousand on Mystique!" Tomax shouted.

"And she wonders why I haven't asked her to marry me?" Destro rolled his eyes heavenward.

"Well I never thought I'd admit this," Zartan winced. "You're a smarter man than I am Destro…"

"And to think…" Magneto sighed. "I used to like weddings…"