Kleine Weiss Kreuz

by seven dials

Presenting Weiss Kreuz Kapitel in tabloid form. Cover an entire 24-episode TV series in under 24 minutes! Yes, it's rather bizarre, but with any luck it's amusing. Completed; No particular warnings save for Ken cursing.

2. Episodes 9 to 16

Kleine Weiss Kreuz, Episodes 9 - 16
Condensed by laila

Mission 9: Schreient

YOUJI
I can't fight women.

WEISS FIGHT SOME MONSTERS THEN FIGHT SCHREIENT. KEN SCRATCHES SCHOEN'S CHEEK.

SCHOEN
My beautiful face is ruined!

KEN
You fucked my arm up and I'm not complaining…

EVERYONE LEAVES AND TALKS ABOUT REVENGE. THEN THEY COME BACK. THEY FIGHT SOME MORE.

AYA FINDS MASAFUMI WHO TURNS INTO A MONSTER. THE BUILDING CATCHES FIRE FOR SOME REASON.

MUTANT MASAFUMI
Ha! I'm God though I look more like a baboon. I'm going to kill Hell and attack Omi with tentacles.

KEN
I'll save the others by, um, jumping on Masafumi or something. That'll work. I'm an impulsive idiot!

MUTANT MASAFUMI
Aya! Bow down and salute your God!

AYA
You've turned into King Kong with added tentacles. How does that make you any kind of God?

SCHREIENT DIE, SUPPOSEDLY. MASAFUMI DIES, REALLY. WEISS ESCAPE, SOMEHOW.

YOUJI
Hey, that Neu chick really looked like Asuka.

Mission 10: Bruder

OUKA
Omi! I fancy you like crazy! Let's start dating!

OMI
Wait a minute Ouka-san, I'm busy angsting about being an amnesiac and who Mamoru Takatori is.

PERSIA
Hirofumi is hunting people with dogs. Kill him!

OMI GOES CLUBBING AND DANCES WITH OUKA. ALL OF A SUDDEN, SOME SCARY GUYS KIDNAP THEM!

SCARY GUYS
We are going to hunt you with dogs. Run!

OUKA GETS BITTEN AND IS EXASPERATING. OMI GIVES HER ROHYPNOL AND SHE PASSES OUT.

OMI
Youji-kun will you take Ouka-san home for me? She's cute.

YOUJI
I will, but only because she's cute.

OMI CORNERS HIROFUMI AND YELLS AT HIM.

HIROFUMI
Oh, it's Mamoru! Where have you been for the last decade?

OMI
I'm Mamoru? Oh hell!

Mission 11: Abkunft

AYA
I hate all Takatoris because Aya is comatose! You're a Takatori too, Omi! Go away!

OMI GOES TO A PARTY WITH OUKA. SCHWARTZ ARE THERE!

OUKA
Come meet my dad, he's a famous politician.

OMI
Just a minute, I've got to yell at Hirofumi for being a jerk first.

OUKA HUGS TAKATORI THEN LOOKS FOR OMI. SHE IS ASSAULTED BY A PERVERT.

OUKA
Help! Save me, Omi!

OMI SAVES HER AND THEY KISS. ABOUT THREE SECONDS LATER OMI IS ABDUCTED BY SCHULDICH.

HIROFUMI
I'm going to beat you with this stick now, Mamoru, and incidentally I hate you.

OMI
That's convenient, I hate you too.

AYA, YOUJI AND KEN ARRIVE. THEY RESCUE OMI AND HIROFUMI RUNS AWAY.

SCHULDICH
I am shaggy, sexy and oh-so-cool. I'm going to kill you all!

OMI KILLS HIROFUMI.

Mission 12: Abschied

SCHULDICH
Haha, time for some mind games! Did you know I was a telepath? I'm so goddamn evil and cool.

SCHULDICH PLAYS MIND GAMES WITH OMI AND OUKA AND IS REALLY EVIL AND COOL.

OMI
Oh no! Ouka knows I'm an assassin!

OUKA
Oh no! Omi is my brother!

OUKA AVOIDS OMI. HE CHASES AFTER HER. SCHULDICH PLAYS MIND GAMES WITH ALL AND SUNDRY.

OMI
Weiss want to kill Ouka! I must save her!

KEN
Sure Omi's Takatori's spy. We're supposed to believe this crap? Hey, I look cute when I'm being serious.

SCHULDICH TIES OUKA TO A TREE. EVERYONE IS REALLY CONFUSED AND FARFARELLO FIGHTS KEN.

OUKA
I am sad because I'm your sister, Omi.

OMI
Really? Then we're never going to split up!

FARFARELLO KILLS OUKA.

OMI
Oh shit.

Mission 13: Bruch

TAKATORI IS EVIL AND ATTACKS SCHULDICH WITH A GOLF CLUB. CRAWFORD IS DEVIOUS.

A REPORTER
Weiss are blowing things up.

KEN
No we're not.

MORE THINGS BLOW UP. PEOPLE DIE. AYA IS PISSED AND CONFRONTS PERSIA.

AYA
I want to kill Takatori now.

PERSIA
It's too early and I won't let you anyway so that's just tough beans.

AYA
I quit!

YOUJI, KEN AND OMI GO IT ALONE. THEY ARE AMBUSHED BY APPROXIMATELY NINE SQUILLION SOLDIERS.

KEN
It's a trap.

YOUJI
Actually we knew it was a trap before we got here, Ken. Remember?

AYA ATTACKS TAKATORI'S LIMO. HE IS JUMPED BY CRAWFORD AND FARFARELLO.

CRAWFORD
Ha, I tricked you. He's not in it. Die, Aya!

Mission 14: Fliehen

YOUJI, KEN AND OMI ARE WELL AND TRULY OUTGUNNED BY THE NINE SQUILLION SOLDIERS.

OMI
We're going to die.

KEN
Then let's at least do it really dramatically, okay? God, I'm willful!

THEY KILL LOTS OF SOLDIERS BUT STILL GET UTTERLY OWNED.

AYA GETS HIS ASS KICKED BY FARFARELLO AND CRAWFORD. PERSIA AND MANX SAVE HIM.

PERSIA
And that's why you can't go it alone Aya. Now save the others.

AYA SAVES YOUJI, KEN AND OMI SINGLE-HANDEDLY BECAUSE HE'S THAT COOL.

TAKATORI DECLARES MARTIAL LAW AND IS EVIL. PERSIA KNOCKS OUT MANX AND GOES TO MEET HIM.

AYA
Sakura, look after Aya for me if I die. Take this key.

SAKURA
Of course, Aya-san!

AYA
That's that done. Now let's disguise ourselves as soldiers and go kill Takatori.

YOUJI
Hell, why not?

WEISS ATTACK SOME SOLDIERS AND STEAL THEIR UNIFORMS AND CAR.

Mission 15: Duell

WEISS INFILTRATE TAKATORI'S EVIL HQ WHERE KEN STARTS A SCARILY EFFECTIVE FIRE.

KEN
Fire! Um… and it was like that when I got there. Really. Honest.

TAKATORI
Persia, I will now talk at you for ages and stop you killing me. Incidentally Omi's your son and you suck.

TAKATORI SHOOTS PERSIA AND LEAVES HIS OFFICE ALL OF TWO SECONDS BEFORE WEISS ARRIVE.

OMI
Persia's been shot!

YOUJI
That's Persia? I didn't recognize him without his desk and heavy back-lighting.

PERSIA
Takatori is really evil. Kill him!

PERSIA DIES AND OMI IS SAD. THEY ALL GO TO KILL TAKATORI.

TAKATORI
Aya is coming to kill me! Schwartz, you must help me!

CRAWFORD
We don't want to any more. Bye.

SCHWARTZ LEAVE. TAKATORI HAS A PANIC ATTACK AND RUNS TO THE ROOF. AYA FIGHTS HIM.

TAKATORI
Haha Aya, I killed your family and now I'm going to kill you!

AYA
No you're not. I'm going to kill you. Die Takatori!

AYA KILLS TAKATORI.

Mission 16: Schatten

OMI WRITES AYA AN ENDLESS LETTER. NOT MUCH HAPPENS FOR A WHILE.

YOUJI
Hey, that's Asuka!

NEU
I'm not Asuka, I'm Kyoko… haha, fooled you, I'm really Neu. Die, Youji!

NEU TRIES TO KILL YOUJI. BOTAN SAVES HIM. SCHOEN TRIES TO KILL KEN. HE SAVES HIMSELF.

KEN
Schreient are trying to kill me? Don't they know I've quit?

AYA-CHAN IS KIDNAPPED FROM HER HOSPITAL BED. MIKA IS KIDNAPPED IN THE STREETS.

AYA
I must save Aya!

OMI
I must save Mika!

OMI GOES BACK TO THE SHOP. THE OTHERS ARE THERE ALREADY. MANX, BIRMAN AND BOTAN ARRIVE.

MANX
We're reforming Weiss to get Esset. Talk to Birman. Bye.

CGI PERSIA
Cultists are burning girls alive. Kill them!

WEISS KILL THE CULTISTS AND OMI SAVES MIKA. EVERYONE ANGSTS.