5:10 pm
I went down to where the river curved in an outcropping. I sat down there and put my head down remembering what Jake had told me.
"Your just as bad as the Yerks."
"NO!" I yelled to the still cold air. (The snow had come but didn't stick) "I am NOT like them!" I put my head down again. I was murmuring to myself.
"It's war, you can't be nice in war not when the enemy will show you no mercy. You must fight fire with fire, they find you and your men expendable…I". I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder. I looked up into Karen's eyes, she looked radiant in the setting sun.
"You okay Erik?" She asked sitting down next to me and putting her arm around me.
"I guess." I said.
"Look, what happened to Anna wasn't your fault, you've done all you can now all we can do is pray."
"That's not all that's bothering me Kare," I said. "Do you think what Jake said is true? Am I really as bad as the Yerks?" Karen squeezed my shoulder a little and kissed me on the cheek.
"No babe, you and Jake just have different war-time strategies, you do what you think is necessary, I personally think you have the better strategy, and that's not just because you're my boyfriend, it's because the way you fight makes our job easier. War isn't an easy thing Erik, no one can escape war unscathed. When all I said and done I think you'll see that what you, what we've done is justified."
"I hope, I really hope, because I don't think…" She turned my head with her index finger then traced the scar on my cheek, I got the scar before I could morph, a Hork-Baijar slashed me right across the face Karen had saved my life it was that night the we had fallen in love. She put her finger to my lips.
"Shh, Shh." She put her hands on my shoulder and kissed me. Her lips were soft, I could smell her perfume (she must have borrowed some from Rachel). She kissed me on my neck. I kissed her on her forehead. Her hands moved from my shoulders…
"Kare," Said pulling away with some difficulty. "I don't think."
"Erik!" she seemed frustrated. "Look I know how much you value your faith, your virginity, I value mine too, but Erik, I love you, I have never loved a man like I love you, I just don't understand why you won't…"
"Lets get married then." I said. She started yelling.
"Erik, look around you, do you see any priests, any ministers, any rabbis, no I don't even see a fucking imam," Karen rarely cursed she seemed to realize she was yelling. "Sorry, I didn't mean to yell, but Erik, give this some thought OK. I should have said this earlier but when I saw that building explode I was afraid you were still in there.
"It was something you would do Erik," She sniffled a little. "fight until your death, sacrifice yourself to help another. I was so scared. I mean when you go on a mission without me I'm always scarred, Erik but this, it, it made me realize that we could die any day, and we have a higher risk than most, we need to live our lives, our love, to the fullest, think about it." She kissed me again and walked off. I heard a flutering of wings.
(Must be tough being you.) Tobias landed in front of me.
"Oh shit," I said. "How long have you been there?"
(Four months,) He said. He morphed human form. Somehow his human form seemed to age along with his hawk morph. "You know me and Rachel thought about having sex. But then we decided against it, Ax says that morphing's affects on pregnancy haven't been determined and since there isn't a place to get the pill or a condom around here we just thought it wasn't worth the risk."
"Well I wouldn't have to worry about that, me and Karen are sterile."
"What?!"
"Our morphing somehow makes us sterile something to do with the continuous changes in species and the changes in genitalia that come with it, it just makes it so that it's impossible to conceive. It's mysterious because it doesn't cause menopause, or anything like that , maybe it drains the sperm and eggs of their DNA I don't know I'm studying to be a cardiologist, apples and oranges you know."
"Yeah, well… I'm sorry."
"Nothing to applogize for."
"Don't' worry bud." He slapped me on the back. "she'll come around. I can tell, you and her have something special. If there's one thing I've learned these past few years it's that relationships are intensified by danger, and I can tell you've been in more than your share of danger without the cushion of morphing." He pointed to my scar.
I thanked Tobias and walked off, the conversations I had made me feel better but still Jake's words stuck with me, they still haunt me to this day.