CHAPTER BEGINS
It was now midnight, the end of a hard day's work for Itachi and Kisame, the two newest participants of Konoha's rehabilitation center. Their room light was turned off, they were dressed in their standard-issue Akatsuki pajamas (a nifty black satin decorated with pink bunnies viciously wielding bloody kunai), and they were lying in the bunk bed which they shared.
"Man, my body hurts all over." Kisame groaned from the bottom bunk as he rubbed his aching shoulders. "Not only did I rake all those leaves, I had to fight for two straight hours with that damned sword of mine." Kisame paused to glare in the direction of the closet, where his Samehada was currently resting. "I'll beat some obedience into you yet, you bastard."
Itachi was staring straight up to the ceiling, busy practicing crossing his eyes. "Yeah, I know what you mean. I hurt all over, too."
Kisame mutedly yelled (he had to stay quiet during quiet time, otherwise the cafeteria would take away his dessert, and Kisame couldn't bear for that to happen, he loved cheesecake): "What are you talking about? You didn't do shit today! All you did was hit on Kurenai!"
Cross-eyed Itachi said, "No dude, I'm serious, my body is in pain! First, I sprained my neck cuz I was trying so hard to look down her shirt and stuff, but she kept turning away. And then, there was that one time when she started punching me in the head for no reason!" He gingerly felt his battered head. "I think she broke my face!"
"Itachi, she punched you because you tried to take a picture up her skirt with that camera cell phone of yours."
"I did?" Itachi strained to recall the day's events. "Huh. Oh yeah. I did try to take that picture. My bad. Ok, I guess I had it coming."
"Yeah you did..."
A moment of silence in the bedroom...
Kisame coughed. "So, uh, did you take that picture or not?"
Itachi said, "Dude, of course I did! I'm fucking Uchiha Itachi. I can do anything!" Itachi paused. "Actually, that's not true. I can't pat my head and rub my belly at the same time. But other than that, I can do motherfucking anything, man! I'm Uchiha Itachi!"
"Right on..."
A moment of silence in the bedroom...
Kisame coughed. "So, uh, can I see the picture?"
Itachi grinned in the darkness like the evil bastard that he was. "Of course, dude."
Five minutes later, Itachi and Kisame were sitting in the middle of their room's floor, huddling over a tiny glowing cellphone, and guffawing like the two villainous goons which they were.
Kisame guffawed, "Huh huh, huh huh, I didn't know that Fruit of the Loom made women's underwear!"
The elder Uchiha said, "Learn something new everyday, dude!"
The sharkman pointed at the tiny screen. "Look, you can even see her face, she looks so surprised and angry! I love it! She looks so funny!" Inspiration suddenly hit Kisame. "Hey Itachi, you know what would be awesome?!"
Itachi thought for a moment. "A picture of Kurenai inside a wet T-shirt?"
Kisame blinked at Itachi's suggestion. "Well, uh, yeah, that would be awesome. But you know what would even be more awesome?"
Itachi replied, "Awesomer."
"Huh?"
"You said more awesome, dude. That's not the right way to say it. It's awesomer. You know. Kinda like how you say, bad, badder, baddest." Itachi sighed. "Dude, and I thought my grammar was bad."
Kisame shook his head. "Anyways. Itachi, we ought to post this picture on the Internet! And we should take all the credit for it, too! If people saw this pic, Kurenai would be so embarrassed, she would be ruined! People would know that we Akatsuki fellows are totally evil and immoral bastards who are not to be messed with! It would help us recruit more evil and immoral bastards, too!"
Itachi made a face at Kisame's suggestion. "Dude, isn't that going a little too far? I mean, Kurenaisan would be like the laughingstock of the ninja nation and stuff, and that would be kinda mean to her."
Kisame frowned at Itachi's waffling. "What's wrong with you? We're Akatsuki! Mean is our motto! It's what we are! Wait a minute, man! I see what's going on here!"
Itachi blinked at Kisame's accusing tone. "What's up?"
Kisame yelled (as quietly as he could, for the sake of cheesecake), "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're getting sweet on her!"
"I am?"
"Yeah, you are! Usually you wouldn't give a fuck if we messed with a girl's reputation like that! But this time, you don't want to do nothing to this chick!"
"Oh yeah, huh." Itachi scratched his head. "Weird. Maybe I am getting sweet on her. Even if she is an older chick."
Kisame suddenly clashed his fists together. "I know what it is! It's her eyes, isn't it? They look kinda like the Sharingan, so subconsciously, you think she looks like some hot Uchiha chick who used to live next door to you!"
"Whoa." Itachi was genuinely blown away by Kisame's psychoanalytical insight. "Now that I think about it, you're right, man. I think I am getting sweet on those pretty red eyes of hers! Man, this is pretty deep stuff." Itachi thought about it for a moment. "I guess when I see her, she kinda reminds me of my mother. You know, makes me wanna love her and kill her at the same time."
"Weird shit." Kisame shook his head. "You've got weird tastes, man. Falling in love with a Konoha chick."
"Fuck you, dude! At least I'm not the one who dreams about mermaids and shit!"
Kisame protested, "It's no dream! Mermaids are real!"
"Whatever, dude. Mermaids are fake, man. They're like myths and stuff. Deal with it."
"No! Never!" Kisame resolutely shook his head. "I am not giving up! I swear, someday, I will find a mermaid, we will fall in love and get married, and we will have lots of fish children!'
"Whatever." Itachi yawned as he put away his cell phone. "Ok man, I'm going to sleep now. For reals. Otherwise Kurenaisan will kick my ass again for waking up late."
"Yeah, we should get to bed." Kisame flopped back into the lower bunk. "Just curious, Itachi. If you're getting sweet on her, why do you piss her off with stuff like the cell phone?"
Itachi shrugged. "I can't help it, man. I'm evil. Evil things are what I do." Itachi snapped his fingers. "Oh yeah. Speaking of evil things. It's about time that we started our master plan concerning Uzamaki Naruto. You do remember what we discussed, right?"
"Yeah, I remember. I run away and go back to Akatsuki headquarters, but you stay behind here, therefore Kurenai thinks that you really want to stay and get yourself rehabilitated, and then she won't be watching you as closely, so you can sneak around and do your sneaky evil Akatsuki things." Kisame groaned. "Do I have to leave the village tonight? It's so cold outside! Plus, the menu says that the cafeteria is serving cheesecake tomorrow."
"Sorry , dude, we've got to do this pronto. Otherwise, we've got some unforseen circumstances which might make it impossible to get Naruto out of the village, man."
"Unforseen circumstances? What are you talking about?"
Itachi was crossing his eyes again as he stared up at the ceiling once more. "That Hinata kid, man. That Hyuuga girl might mess up everything."
It was now early morning, a fresh new beginning of a bright new day. Itachi was back out on the streets, dressed in his Akatsuki cloak and orange community service vest and ready to pick up trash from the gutters...
"Man, I don't want to do this shit." Itachi quickly looked around to make sure that no one was looking. Then he quickly did a couple hand seals, and boom! Itachi was now surrounded by three of his kagebunshins!
The real Itachi waved hello. "Hey dudes, what's up."
Itachi Clone #1 said, "What's up."
Itachi Clone #2 said, "Got any weed?"
Itachi Clone #3 said, "Man, I'm hungry."
The real Itachi pointed to the cluttered ground. "Hey dudes, listen up. I need you guys to pick up this trash for me while I go and do my sneaky Akatsuki things."
The Itachi clones looked at the ground. Then they looked to the real Itachi. "Do we gotta?"
"Oh man." Itachi groaned. He had forgotten that his clones would be just as lazy as himself. "Yeah, we gotta do this, guys. Come on, if we don't do this, I can't do my top secret Akatsuki stuff."
"Okay, okay..." The three Itachi clones were already not listening to him, becoming distracted and wandering off in three separate directions. "We'll get started soon."
Itachi banged his rake against the ground in an attempt to get their attention. "Not soon, dudes! Now!"
Itachi Clone #2 suddenly stooped over to pick up a coin from the ground. "Sweet! I just found a quarter, guys! Check it out!"
"No shit! Really?!"
The other two clones hustled over to take a look at their comrade's fortune, while the real Itachi held his head in dismay...
Half an hour later. The Itachi clones had still not started on their work. They were busy huddling together on the sidewalk, blowing hot air into their fists in an attempt to stay warm, and trying to bum cigarettes off each other, even though it had already been established long ago that none of them had any smokes on them. Meanwhile, the real Itachi grumbled to himself as he picked up yet another piece of trash from the ground and placed it in his trash bag.
"Fucking clones. Man, if they weren't part of my master plan, I'd have kicked their sorry asses by now."
"Well, well, Itachikun! I am glad to see that you are hard at work today!"
All of the Itachis looked to see Kurenai walking up with a Starbucks mocha cappucino in her hands (apparently she guzzled the stuff like nobody's business). The real Itachi paused in the middle of his work and he waved hello. "Sup babe."
"Good morning to you." Kurenai then looked at the Itachi clones, who were busy leering at her. "Why did you make those clones over there?"
"Ah, I wanted them to help me out with the garbage pickup, but they're being a bunch of lazy dumbasses." The real Itachi called out, "You hear that, you fucking losers?! You're all a bunch of lazy fucknuts!"
One of the Itachi clones made an obscene gesture involving the yanking of his jock. "Yeah, yeah, blow me. We'll get started soon, man, stop bitching already."
Another Itachi clone called out, "Hey lady, you got a cigarette on you?"
Kurenai simply shook her head at the Itachis' appalling behavior, and she turned back to the real Itachi. "Itachikun, you really should stop swearing. The repression of foul language is an important step for rehabilitating your state of mind."
"Hey babe, take it easy, one step at a time, man. I haven't smoked any hippie lettuce for the past twenty four hours, you know. That's gotta count for something, right?"
"Well, I guess that's a step in the right direction."
"Yeah well, I'm doing it all for you, babe." Itachi winked. "So, you doing anything later tonight?"
She smirked at the offhand pass. "Close, but no cigar, Itachikun." She then brightened up. "But then again, you didn't run away last night like that Kisame guy did. That must mean you really want to be rehabilitated! I'm proud of you, Itachikun, I really do hope that you become a decent citizen of Konoha once again."
"Yes!" The real Itachi thought to himself. "She fell for it! My master plan is working! I am so fucking genius!"
"Hey babe, you said that you had a cigar?" The Itachi clones had made their way over. "Can we bum one off you?"
Meanwhile, back at Konoha's school, class was starting, and three new transfer students were being introduced...
Anko yelled, "Okay everyone! I want you to sit down and shut up so that our three newest students can introduce themselves!"
The Sand genins, Gaara, Temari, and Kankuro, were standing at the front of the class. They all looked mighty bored with Anko's teacher rhetoric, and Temari was the first to speak up.
"Hi everyone. My name is Temari. I am going to kick all of your asses." Her eyes zeroed in on Shikamaru way back in the classroom. "Especially you."
"Oh man." Shikamaru tried to hide behind his desk. "What have I done to deserve this?"
"Nice introduction, Temarikun!" Anko was a big advocate of assertive women. "Now, who's next?"
Kankuro stepped up. "Hi. I'm Kankuro, and I hate little kids. They suck."
Anko enthusiastically nodded. "What a coincidence! I hate little kids, too!" She looked to Gaara. "And you?"
Gaara slowly blinked those baggy eyes of his. "My name is Gaara. I like the smell of freshly spilled blood."
"Me too! There's nothing that beats the smell of fresh blood when you wake up in the morning!" Anko absolutely loved these three new students. They had so much in common! "Ok, guys, go find a seat and sit down!"
Temari immediately headed over towards Shikamaru's area, so she could start picking a fight with him. Gaara headed towards the nearest seat available, which happened to Sasuke's empty seat (Sasuke was absent today). Kankuro waited to see where Gaara sat, then sat as far away as possible from him.
Shikamaru was nervous about Temari. Everyone in Gaara's vicinity was nervous about Gaara. But for a certain Hyuuga girl, she was nervous about a certain fox boy...
Hinata, with her new glasses and all, used her Byakugan to sneak a peek to the back of the classroom, where Naruto was napping (luckily for Naruto, Anko didn't care if you were sleeping, so long as you stayed quiet). "Narutokun seems so tired today... I hope I can get to talk to him later today... maybe during lunch break..."
It was lunch time now, and the kids were all separating into their teams to hang out. The only team who didn't stay together was the Sand team. Temari and Kankuro sat off to the side and glared at everyone (in Temari's case, she glared only at poor Shikamaru), while Gaara headed straight for the playground's sandbox, which immediately sent the little kids scattering in terror.
Meanwhile, much to Hinata's dismay, Kiba wanted to go pick a fight with the Sound genins and finish the matter between him and Dosu once and for all...
Kiba snarled, "Come on, Hinata, why don't you want to fight those guys?! That Dosu guy was totally treating you like dirt yesterday! Don't you want to kick his ass?!"
"Well, of course I don't like him, but..." Hinata couldn't help but sneak a peek behind her. "I don't really feel like fighting today..."
Kiba and Shino noticed the furtive peek, of course, and they turned to see that Hinata had been checking on the Sasuke-less Team 7, where Naruto and Sakura were hanging out together. Sakura didn't want to hang out with Naruto, but since Sasuke was at home moping about everyone learning Chidori, she had no valid excuse to tell Naruto to stay away from her...
Hinata knew that Sakurasan didn't like Naruto in that special way, but still, she was very nervous whenever Naruto spent time with Sakura. Narutokun obviously liked Sakurasan, and if Sakura ever got around to realizing what a great guy Narutokun was, Hinata was terrified that Sakurasan would reciprocate his feelings, and since Sakura really was a nice and pretty girl, there was no doubt that the two would become a great couple, no no no no, Hinata could not let this happen! The risk was too big! She had to intervene, somehow, until that stupid Sasuke came back to school and Sakura would pay attention to him once again!
"Kiba, um, if it's okay with y-y-you, I-I-I want to go talk to Narutokun about something..."
"You want to talk to him about what?"
"Well, you see, um." She was blushing like crazy again. "You see, Narutokun was upset that he didn't get to learn Chidori yesterday, so he asked if maybe I could show him, but I haven't had time to show him yet, maybe I can show him during lunch..."
"Well." Kiba looked to the Sound genins, who were currently hanging out at the playground. Dosu was sitting and glaring at Kiba, the armless Zaku was using his teeth to hang from the monkey bars, and Kin was busy combing her insanely long hair. "I guess Shino, Akamaru, and I are enough to take on those losers. Ok, you can go chill with Naruto if you want."
"Thanks Kiba!" Hinata smiled happily as she skipped off to go talk to Narutokun...
Meanwhile, in an attempt to shield herself from Naruto, Sakura had enlisted help in the form of Ino, who didn't mind being away from her idiot teammates, of course.
Naruto grinned his foxboy grin as he lifted some ramen noodles up to his mouth. "So, Sakurachan, you doing anything after school today?"
"Oh, I'm going shopping with Ino. Sorry!" Sakura then turned back to blab about exfoliating creams with Ino...
"Oh okay." Naruto was not at all discouraged by Sakura turning her back to him (he was used to it by now), and he asked, "Say, what do you think about those Sand and Sound guys? I think it's pretty cool that more strong guys are showing up to class!"
This topic was more interesting to Sakura, hence she actually turned around and put forth a genuine attempt at conversation. "Yeah, it is pretty cool, isn't it? It is always interesting to meet new people and learn about the cultures which they grew up in!"
Ino added with a giggle, "Yeah, and it doesn't hurt that that Sand guy, Gaara, is a lot hotter up close than I realized!"
"What?!" Naruto almost spat out ramen noodle at that, but he managed to hold it in. "You think Gaara is hot?" He looked over to the sandbox, where Gaara was quietly sitting and making a sand castle while his sand pseudopods were busy strangling an unfortunate kid who had gotten too close to him. "What do you see in a psychopathic killer like him?!"
"Oh, I don't know!" Ino blushed as she looked over at the son of the former Kazekage. "I mean, sure, he has some issues and all, but he is so dark and mysterious, it drives me crazy!"
"Huh?" Naruto wore that squinty confused face of his. "Dark and mysterious? I don't get it."
"You know, dark and mysterious! That brooding calm on his face, those dark deep shadowy eyes... he just looks so confident and sure of himself, and confidence is so sexy! Plus, I love his hair, too! It's hard to look good with red hair, but somehow he pulls it off!"
"What the!" Naruto looked to Sakura now. "Sakurachan, what is Ino talking about?!"
"Well... um..." Sakura was also blushing now a little. "Ino's right, you know. If it weren't for Sasukekun, I think I would find Gaara to be rather attractive. I mean, he is so dark and mysterious and brooding and silently strong..."
Ino added, "He looks like he can get really wild, too! The sort of boy who can be really fun to hang with!"
Naruto made a face at that. "Of course, he gets wild! Psychopathic homicidal wild, that is!"
His words were clearly not getting through to the girls, as Sakura mused out loud, "Yeah, well, nobody's perfect..."
While the two girls dreamily watched on as Gaara's chaperone, Baki, jumped in and rescued the hapless kid from Gaara's sand, Naruto was busy thinking to himself, "What the hell! What does Gaara have that I don't which makes Sakura think they're hot?! Besides his murderous tendencies, that is?! Could it be that tattoo on his forehead? Should I start wearing a giant pumpkin on my back, too?! Could it be that dark and mysterious thing which they keep bringing up?!"
"Um, N-N-Narutokun?"
"Huh?" Rousing himself from deep thought, Naruto looked up to see Hinata standing before him. "Hey, what's up, Hinata!"
"Oh, um, n-n-nothing much! I just wanted to say hi, and um, maybe, um, if you wanted to learn Chidori..." Hinata suddenly realized that Naruto was staring very intently at her. Omigod, he had finally noticed her! He was looking at her! Was it the glasses?! It had to be! Did he, like all those other boys, now think that she was cute?!
Naruto solemnly asked, "Hey Hinata? Is there something different about you today?"
Hinata almost screamed in frustration, but thankfully, she held it in. Oh no! He hadn't noticed her glasses yet! But she had to give him a second chance! "Well, actually, y-y-yes, there is something different about me today..."
"Ah, I know what it is!" Naruto beamed as he snapped his fingers. "A new haircut! I like it! It looks great on you, Hinata!"
Sakura and Ino were now watching the catastrophic disaster unfold before them, and Hinata felt like shriveling up and dying right then and there, as she stammered, "N-n-no, I didn't get a new haircut..."
"Oh really?" Naruto scratched his head. "What is it, then? A new jacket?"
It was just Hinata's imagination now, but seemingly everyone in the playground had stopped to watch this tragic scene develop, as she fought back the tears. "N-n-no, not a new jacket..."
"Ah, I know!" Inspiration struck Naruto now. "The optometrist! You went and saw the optometrist, right?!"
And just like that, Hinata was gaily dancing on Cloud Nine. "Yes, yes! I went to the optometrist - "
"Hee hee, yeah, I shoulda known!" Naruto was rubbing his nose in cheerful self deprecation. "Optometrists are those guys who fix your teeth, right? I should have noticed from the start that your braces were gone! So, you removed your braces! Congratulations!"
And just like that, Hinata dropped like a hammer from Cloud Nine and landed smack dab into the hell of despair. Sakura and Ino held their faces inside their hands, unable to watch as Hinata's face blotched a humiliated red...
"N-n-no, Narutokun, I n-n-never had braces in the first place..." She suddenly turned away. "I'm so sorry! I'll be going now!"
"Huh?" Naruto was thoroughly confused as a choking Hinata ran away from him. "What's going on ow ow ow ow ow ow ow!" He yelled in pain as Sakura and Ino pounded away on the top of his head. "What?! What did I do wrong this time?!"
Sakura managed to spit out while she played bongo drums on Naruto's cranium: "Naruto, you heartless fiend! I can't believe you were so cruel to Hinata!"
Ino spat out with equal venom, "Naruto! You go find her and apologize to her right now!"
Naruto cried out, "Apologize for what?! I didn't do anything ow ow ow OKAY! I'll apologize! I'll apologize!"
Sakura hissed, "Don't just apologize, Naruto! Say something nice to her, too! Say something VERY nice to her! Or else!"
"Okay, okay, stop hitting me, please! Ow!"
Ten minutes later, a horribly battered Naruto was stumbling down the sidewalk, barely able to see where he was going due to the puffy bruises around his eyes. "Gotta... find... Hinata... apologize... oh man, I think I have a concussion..."
Suddenly the cheery blue sky turned a dark foreboding black. The singing birds faded away into ominous silence. A single beat of a taiko drum sounded. Deep, low, and menacing, a signal of ill will. Echoing into the background as a looming oppressive shadow towered over the groggy fox boy, the malignance of two bloody red Sharingan eyes glowering down upon him...
"Narutokun. Come with me please."
Naruto looked up, barely able to register the fact that Uchiha Itachi, the most dangerous criminal to have ever left Konoha, was now standing before him. "Huh? What's going on - ack, let go!" Itachi had seized him by the arm. "Let go, damn it! Where are you taking me, you dastardly villain?!"
Ten minutes later, Itachi and Naruto were sitting at a booth inside a McDonalds, and they were sucking on chocolate milkshakes through colorful straws, their table effectively covered with Big Macs, French Fries, crispy apple pies, etc etc...
Itachi stopped sucking on his straw long enough to wipe away a milk moustache which had formed below his nose. "Yo Narutokun, sorry if I scared you back there, dude, but you looked like you were about to fall down any minute. I thought it would be better if I carried you here."
Naruto grinned as he put down the milkshake to stuff some French fries into his mouth. "Hey, no problem! I feel a lot better now, so it's all good!"
"Good to hear, dude, good to hear." Itachi now leaned forward, so he could talk in a lower voice, a voice more fitting for an evil, sneaky, and secretive villain like himself. "Hey, sorry about what happened last time with Kisame, man. Kisame hates kids, so he's pretty mean to kids like you and stuff. I wasn't going to let him cut off your legs, honest."
"Well, I dunno." Naruto made a suspicious face now. "I'm not sure if I can trust you, Itachisan. Sasuke did say that you killed his family and clan and all."
"Oh yeah, huh? Well, that's true." Itachi scratched his head. "But I'm trying to change, man. I'm in Konoha's rehabilitation progrm for S-ranked psychopathic killers, and I'm making a lot of progress! Even Kurenaisan believes in me, man! She trusts me so much, she let me go off on my own for my lunch break!"
"Wow, really?" Naruto had to think long and hard about this one. If Kurenaisan felt that Itachi was becoming a better man... and Itachi's tone was very convincing... and Itachisan couldn't be all that bad; after all, he did buy lunch for Naruto just now...
Naruto grinned. "Ok, I believe you, Itachisan! So, what's up? I guess you want to talk to me about something?"
Itachi grinned at Naruto's insight. "You're bright, kid. I like that." Itachi's grin widened. "More specifically, little man, we dudes at Aktsuki like that. We like you and your potential, Narutokun. As a matter of fact, we like you so much..."
Naruto eagerly asked, "What? What?!"
Itachi was serious now, as he opened up one of those crispy apple pie cartons. "We want you to leave Konoha and join us, Narutokun." The apple pie was now inside Itachi's mouth. "Wee wanch youf to leafth this village and join Akathookie ahhhh! My tungth!" Itachi hastily spat out the apple pie. "Hot! Hot!"
A totally surprised Naruto sat back, staring in confusion, not sure what to say. An invitation to join Akatsuki...
Gingerly feeling his burnt tongue, Itachi wiped away the crumbs of apple pie from his mouth. "Take your time, dude. You don't gotta answer right away."
Naruto immediately asked, "You're not going to ask Sasuke, are you?"
"Of course not, dude. You've got way more talent than Sasuke has."
Naruto's ego promptly blew up at that, and he tittered, "Yeah, hee hee, I won't argue with that!" He then sombered down. "But I can't just leave Konoha, Itachisan. This is my home, and I have a lot of loved ones here..."
Itachi was ready for this, of course. "Yeah, dude, but how about this, I got a question for you. Sure, there's people here who love you, but ain't there one particular person who you really want to love you in that special mushy way? Ya know, a particular girl who is in love with some bratty little bro of mine right now? You know who I'm talking about, right?"
Naruto hung his head at that. "Sakurachan..."
"Yeah, her." Itachi was glad that Naruto brought up her name just now, because Itachi had forgotten her name. "Yeah, that Sakura chick. You love her, right?"
"I do..."
"And well, Sakura don't exactly love you back, right? I mean, she likes you as a friend and all, but she don't have the hots for you, right?"
Naruto mumbled, "Yeah, something like that..."
"Well, kid, don't get too down, cuz I can help you get her, if that's what you want."
Naruto looked up at that. "You can?! That would be so awesome! Itachisan, if you can help me get Sakurachan, I will treat you to Ichiraku Ramen for the rest of your life!"
"Uh, ok. Free food is always good." Itachi popped a French fry into his mouth. "Ok, listen up, kid. The secret to picking up chicks like Sakura is..."
Naruto eagerly leaned forward. "What? What?!"
"Dark and mysterious, man. You gotta be dark and mysterious."
"Awww, what?!" A discouraged Naruto slumped into his seat. "Not this dark and mysterious stuff again!"
Itachi blinked. "What's up, kid? Someone already told you this?"
"Yeah, Sakura told me about it during lunch today. She thinks GAARA, of all people, is pretty hot! And only because he is dark and mysterious!"
"See, man? That's what I'm talking about! Chicks dig that dark and mysterious shit!" Itachi then lowered his voice back to his secret scheming Akatsuki voice. "But that's just the tip of the iceberg, man. There's more!"
"Really?!" Naruto jumped up in his seat again, his enthusiasm returning. "What else is there?!"
"Well, good little girls like Sakura, they really dig it when a guy has this really badass crazy-ass wild side to him, you know? Goody two shoe girls love a guy who is liable to do wild crazy spontaneous shit at any moment!"
"Awww, not again!" Naruto slumped back into his seat. "Ino told me that stuff too!"
"Oh, she did?" Itachi scratched his head. "Oh, okay then, let's review. So tell me, what do chicks like Sakura dig in guys?"
"Dark and mysterious. Crazy and wild."
"You got it, kid."
Naruto lamented, "But Itachisan, there's no way I can compete with Sasuke in those deparments! I'm not dark and mysterious! And I don't do crazy stuff like Sauske does!"
Itachi leaned back in his chair now. "Yeah well, luckily for you, kid, I'm here to help. If you do what I say, I promise you, you will be dark, you will be mysterious, and you will be so effin crazy, Sakura is gonna be begging for you to make her your bitch."
"Ohhh, really?!" Naruto was chomping at the bit now. "Tell me, Itachisan! What can I do?!"
"Ok, first, you gotta look dark and mysterious, right? Well, look no further, dude! Check it out, Narutokun, your very own Akatsuki cloak!"
Itachi whipped out a folded package of black cloth from the depths of his Akatsuki cloak, and in a flash, Itachi had unfurled a boy-sized Akatsuki cloak for Naruto to admire! "Dude, I promise you, if you put on these threads, you will instantly join the ranks of the dark and mysterious!"
"Wow!" Naruto's eyes fairly gleamed at the utter coolness, darkness, and mysteriousness of the brand spanking new cloak. "My very own Akatsuki cloak?!"
"It's yours, man, whether you decide to join Akatsuki or not. Consider it a gift."
Itachi handed the cloak over to Naruto, and in a flash, Naruto had put it on and was admiring himself in the reflection of the window. "Wow, Itachisan, I didn't think it was possible, but... with this cloak, I really DO look dark and mysterious! Just as dark and mysterious as Sasuke!"
"Ha! Told you, dude!" Itachi beckoned for the excited Naruto to sit down. "But now, here comes the important part, dude. It's one thing to look good, but actions speak a heckuva lot louder, you know."
Naruto immediately said, "I have to do something wild and crazy, huh?!"
Itachi was visibly impressed by Naruto's intellect. "You're catching on fast, kid. Now tell me, what's the craziest, wildest, dumbest, stupid-ass thing which Sasuke has ever done?"
Naruto thought for a little while, then said, "When Sasuke left the village to go join Orochimaru?"
"Bingo, kid! You see, deep down, Sakura knows that Sasuke is capable of pulling off stupid crazy-ass shit like that. And good little girls like her? They find that sort of stuff totally irresistible, man! They absolutely love that shit!"
"Wow, so if I leave the village to join Akatsuki... Sakurachan will fall in love with me?"
"Kid, I couldn't have said it better myself." A satisfied Itachi settled into his seat. "Kid, I can teach you no more. The pupil has now become the master."
"Wow, Sakurachan is going to fall in love with me..." Naruto was already dreaming of the possibilities. "I'll leave the village for a couple years, then when I come back, Sakurachan will declare her love for me, and I will declare my love for her, then we'll get married, and then I'll become Hokage... Itachisan, you're a genius!"
"Damn right I am. Hey, and if you ain't convinced, watch me put on a little demonstration." Itachi sat up now. "See that chick over there?"
Itachi nodded across the room, and Naruto looked over to see Shizune, Tsunade's right hand woman, and Tonton, Tsunade's pet pig, minding their own business in their own booth. Naruto exclaimed, "Hey, look, it's Shizunesan!"
"Yeah, well, ever since we got here, she's been scoping me, man. She's been checking me out."
Naruto gushed, "No way! Get out of here!"
"Yes way, man. I'm telling you, sure, she's acting like we don't exist right now, but just wait a few more seconds... ha! Check it out! See that? She just looked over at us!"
Sure enough, Shizune had peeked over just now, and she madly blushed when she realized that Itachi was staring right at her with those dark intense Uchiha eyes of his. She immediately focused her eyes back on her food, pretending to be immensely interested in her Fish O Filet while Ton Ton happily shoved his snout into a box of French fries...
"Holy crap!" Naruto exclaimed. "Shizunesan just checked out you, Itachisan!"
Itachi crowed, "Told you, dude! And you know why she even bothered to check me out in the first place?"
Naruto nodded in understanding, all of the pieces now falling into place. "Because you're dark and mysterious!"
"That's right, kid! That's right." Itachi rubbed his hands in glee. "Ok, now that I've established my dark and mysterious side, watch me do some wild crazy-ass random shit. I guarantee you, once I do this shit, that chick is gonna fall head over heels for me."
Naruto breathlessly watched as Itachi casually stood up and picked up a couple Big Macs. The fox boy could see that Shizune was trying her best to hide her interest, but she was obviously watching Itachi out of the corner of her eye as he casually sauntered over to her side of the restaurant...
Then Naruto jumped as Itachi suddenly smashed the Big Macs onto the top of his head, sending a splattery mess of ketchup and mayonnaise flying everywhere!
"What the heck!" Naruto thought to himself. "That was the stupidest thing I've ever seen!"
Then the fox boy's mouth opened in shock when he realized that Shizune was actually giggling. Holy crap! Shizunesan actually liked that stupid crazy-ass shit?!
A fascinated Naruto watched as Itachi deliberately wiped his hands clean on his Akatsuki cloak. Then Itachi proceeded to, with ketchup still dripping from his hair, ask Shizune for her phone number. And much to Naruto's shock, she actually wrote it down on a napkin and gave it to him! Itachi then said something else which Naruto could not make out, but whatever it was, it made Shizune blush like crazy and giggle even more!
"Itachisan was right!" Naruto told himself as Itachi continued to chat with Shizunesan. "Dark and mysterious! Crazy and wild! This is the only way to go! This is how I will win Sakurachan's heart!"
Ten minutes later, Itachi and Naruto were standing outside of McDonalds, ready to go their separate ways. Itachi no longer had Big Mac in his hair, of course, after dunking his head inside the bathroom sink, and he had a few final words for Naruto.
"Well, kid, like I said, no pressure. You don't got to make up your mind right now. First, why don't you go back to class, show off your new duds, and see how that Sakura chick reacts to you? I bet you'll be liking what she does, man, I guarantee it."
Naruto eagerly nodded from inside his brand new Akatsuki cloak. "Will do, Itachisan!"
A few minutes later, Itachi found Kurenai sitting on the sidewalk alone. She was sipping on a Starbuck mocha cappucino and staring off into space... much to his surprise, none of his kagebunshin clones were in sight...
Itachi called out, "What's up, Kurenai-babe-san. Hey, what happened to my clones?"
Kurenai scowled back at Itachi. "They were getting fresh with me, so I had to burst their bubbles... where were you?! You were out fifteen minutes past your lunch break!"
"Oh, sorry babe, I got hung up at Mickey D's. Sat down and talked to a buddy of mine."
"Hmm." Kurenai suspiciously studied Itachi's face, wondering if the S-ranked criminal was lying. Then she blinked, as she asked, "Itachikun, why do you have a pickle in your hair?"
"Huh?" Itachi reached up to search his head a bit, and then he plucked a sliced pickle from his hair. "Oh, this. Yeah, I smashed a couple Big Macs onto my head."
"You did what?! No way! You did not!"
Itachi shrugged. "Yup, I did."
Kurenai protested, "But that's crazy! Nobody is stupid enough to do something as wild and crazy as that..." She trailed off as she suddenly began to blush, and she stopped talking, choosing instead to focus her efforts on suppressing the tingling goosebumps which were spreading over her neck and legs...
Itachi blinked. "Huh? Come again?"
"Oh, nothing." Kurenai hurriedly shook her head, trying to hide her blushing. "Itachikun, seriously, you do the craziest things sometimes."
"Hehe, yeah, that's me. I'm the wild thing."
"Well, Mr. Wild Thing." Kurenai had regained her composure and her hands were on her hips. "It's time for you to get back to work! There's nothing like wholesome manual labor to rehabilitate the soul!"
"Yeah, yeah." Itachi stooped down to pick up his trash bag. Now he didn't care that he had to do this work, really. The important thing was that he had finally made contact with his target: Uzamaki Naruto...
Meanwhile, back at the classroom...
"Hee hee hee!" Naruto was madly grinning now, as fifty starry-eyed fangirls had suddenly decided to sit next to the dark and mysterious fox boy. He didn't really care about forty nine of the fangirls, though. The only girl who mattered was the one sitting behind him...
A blushing Sakura tapped Naruto's shoulder from behind, as she whispered, "Hey Naruto!"
He twisted back in his chair, as he whispered, "What's up, Sakurachan?!"
"Where did you get those cool clothes?! They look so neat!"
"You think so? A friend gave them to me!"
Naruto smiled wide now, and for the first time, Sakura noticed that Naruto really did have a set of perfect gleaming white Hollywood teeth... Sakura smiled back. "Well, I just wanted to say, you look really sharp!"
"Eee hee hee hee! Thanks, Sakurachan - "
Anko slugged Naruto upside the head, instantly knocking him unconscious. "NO TALKING IN CLASS, YOU LITTLE MAGGOT!" Anko then walked off, continuing her lesson as the fifty fangirls, led by Sakura, quietly fussed and worried over the drooling slack-jawed Naruto...
However, off in the corner of the classroom, a certain Hyuuga girl was the one who worried the most about Naruto...
"Narutokun," Hinata sadly whispered to herself as she looked over the Akatsuki-cloak-clad fox boy. "What happened to you..."
CHAPTER ENDS
Notes: Ok, Stoner Itachi is playing a huge role in this story, I guess. I can't help it! He is so much fun to write... wow, so Itachi has officially invited Naruto to join Akatsuki! And Naruto actually seems to want do it? Will Naruto really leave Konoha? Why does Itachi think that Hinata is the only one who can stop Naruto from doing so? Stay tuned! P.S. Guys, do not try to impress girls by smashing Big Macs onto your head. Only the cool pimps like Itachi can get away with stuff like that.