Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter characters, they belong to J.K. Rowling, I think you know that quite well by now. Don't sue!
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-Une Soirée-
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Chapter 5 - Condiments
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Fire in the hole!! Sirius dove behind the nearest table, pulling Remus and Serena with him. The rest of the guests had fled to all corners of the garden, as Mr. Lupin beat at the flames with his stupid puffy chef's hat. The dog next door began to bark loudly.
Mr. Lupin coughed as his hat burst into flames. He dropped it onto he grill, where it was engulfed in flames and then crumbled into ash.
Uncle Nicholas darted forward, pulled out his wand, and moved it in a wide, sweeping motion. A great wave of water poured from the wand's tip, extinguishing the flames. Thick clouds of dark grey smoke billowed up from the grill, covering the garden. Everyone coughed violently, waving the smoke away from their faces. When it cleared, Mr. Lupin reached out gingerly with the spatula and scraped a black, charred something from the grill.
I don't suppose anyone likes their burgers this well-done, he said sadly.
No, I suppose they don't, Sirius said, staring at the charred burger.
Just then, several men in yellow slickers came charging into the back garden, leaving craters in the grass from their heavy boots and sending Mrs. Lupin's silver gazing globe tumbling from its stand and rolling off into the shrubs. They were dragging a thick hose.
Oi! We got a call from a neighbour saying there was an explosion here! one panted. Is everyone all right?We're fine, Mr. Lupin assured them. Just - er - a little heavy on the lighter fluid... but it's out now, see?Care for a burger? Henri offered, holding out the charred patty on a bun.
No thanks, the Muggle firemen answered.
Be careful from now on, okay? the head fireman said, as he and his partners turned to leave.
Yes, sir.
Silence reigned as the firemen cleared out (stomping a lawn gnome and breaking several heads off Mrs. Lupin's beloved rose bushes as they did so). Even the dog next door had fallen silent. The Blacks were picking grass and twigs from their clothes and hair. James was sniggering, while Lily and Grace looked horrified. Peter was trying to salvage the fallen bowl of crisps. Sirius struggled to his feet, then helped Remus and Serena up. Eight pairs of eyes glared in his direction. Ignoring these from long practise, Sirius joined Mr. Lupin at the grill.
Well, we can fix this. A few waves of his wand, a couple of incantations, and several hamburgers were sizzling over a nice flame. Chuckling, Mr. Lupin handed Sirius his Kiss the Warlock' apron, which Sirius tied on without hesitation. Remus groaned and buried his face in his hands, but he was smiling. At least there was one Black who wanted to be a member of the Lupin family.
The party began to return to normal. The Blacks picked gingerly at their food, perhaps suspecting poison; Nymphadora was passed from person to person to be hugged and tickled; the dog next door resumed his barking, annoying Sirius' parents. Remus wandered over to watch his lover prepare the grilled food. Sirius handed him a hot dog with a wink.
Go ahead, wrap your lips around that, Moony, he purred softly.
Remus elbowed him. No phallic jokes around my parents, please! He reached for the ketchup.
Like they'd get it?I'm afraid to know. Just shut up and cook.
Mrs. Lupin came out of the house carrying a giant Tupperware bowl of coleslaw, which she set on the already crowded table of condiments. You're doing a lovely job, Sirius, she said. The apron looks good on you.Mum! Don't encourage him! Remus cried, as Sirius and Mrs. Lupin giggled.
Sorry, love, Mrs. Lupin wiped a tear from her eye and went back to squeezing too many condiments onto the precariously wobbling table.
Meanwhile, Regulus and Bellatrix were talking with their heads close together.
I can't believe how stupid they are, they could have killed us all - Regulus hissed.
Bellatrix stuck a crisp in his mouth. Not so loud.
He swallowed and glared at her. Bella! We're supposed to be humiliating Sirius here! How d'you propose we do that?It's not hard, Bellatrix drawled. I have a feeling Mr. and Mrs. Lupin don't know that their son and his Golden Boy have been having sex.
Regulus stared at her. How do you know that?It's only natural, okay?Well, how do you plan on bringing that up in conversation?I don't know. I figured we could make a lot of double-sided remarks and see how everyone else reacts.Like what? So, Sirius, do you enjoy eating bananas'? Bellatrix smacked her cousin upside the head. Sometimes you're as stupid as he is. No, this will require some thought....
Regulus shrugged. Whatever. I'm going to get some potato salad.
He grabbed his plate and headed for the tables of food. Bellatrix put her head in her hands and groaned. Why did her partner in crime have to be a healthy, growing, fourteen-year-old boy?
Rodolphus patted her back. Okay, darling? she muttered from behind her hands.
Smashing. Are you going to eat that hot dog?
She pushed it at him with a sigh.
As this was going on, Sirius' parents had been converged upon by Mr. and Mrs. Lupin, who were eager to talk about their sons. Both Blacks wished nothing better than to hit their hosts with a good Silencing Charm, or perhaps a few illegal curses; but they ground their teeth and put up with it. The Lupins were doing most of the talking, as the Blacks had little, if any, supportive things to say about one of their sons falling in love with a werewolf of the same sex.
It's just so wonderful that they have each other, Mrs. Lupin was saying, as the Blacks picked the skin off their chicken wings. It's so hard for werewolves to find acceptance in the wizarding community. But Sirius makes my Remus happy. Anyone can see that.
Mrs. Black grunted in reply. Mr. Black nodded curtly.
Silence. Then Mr. Lupin tried a different tack. Well, Cépheus, what's your betting that the Montrose Magpies are going to make it to the top of the League this year?Magpies suck! said Sirius, who had overheard. The Ballycastle Bats are going to the top!Shut it, Black! James retorted. Wigtown Wanderers all the way!Shows what you two know, Mr. Lupin retorted with a smile. Sirius chuckled and went back to grilling, and Mr. Lupin turned back to Mr. Black. It seemed a response was needed, so Mr. Black shrugged.
he said grudgingly.
Mrs. Black sniffed, and stood up. Excuse me. She headed back for seconds, eyeing her eldest son, whom she had a suspicion had spit in her last burger. He avoided all eye contact as he slapped a new one on her plate. She turned sharply on her heel (the six-inch heel of the granny boot she was wearing digging a hole in Mr. Lupin's meticulously cared-for lawn) and headed for the condiment table.
a loud bark sounded, making Mrs. Black screech. A huge, shaggy grey dog had just bounded into the garden, trailing a broken rope from its collar. It lunged straight at Mrs. Black, barking happily and wagging its tail. Mrs. Black shrieked as the dog collided with the condiment table, sending bottles and Tupperwares all over the place. Mustard and coleslaw splashed the front of her blue silk dress, which had cost roughly seven hundred Galleons at Gladrags Wizardwear and was nearly impossible to clean.
The ketchup flew the length of the garden and landed on Regulus' head with a faint plop!. Red cascaded down his sleek hair and into his eyes, and he wailed, dropping his plate. The enormous dog was at his feet in an instant, licking up the food. Regulus screamed, and his father darted in to rescue him - but slipped in a puddle of mayonnaise and fell on his bottom, his fine trousers instantly greased and smeared with the stuff.
Mrs. Lupin was wailing, trying to scrub off Mrs. Black's dress with a handful of paper napkins. Lily ran into the house to fetch a damp rag, but slid in spilled relish and wound up head-first in a bush. Sirius wasn't even trying to hold in his laughter, which doubled when Narcissa and Bellatrix tried to help their uncle up and only succeeded in falling in the mayonnaise themselves.
Scruffles!! Bad dog!! the woman from next door, Mrs. Perkins, came charging into the garden. She was wearing a flowery old housecoat with soup stains down the front and a pair of fuzzy pink slippers. Her hair was done up in rollers, and she was waving a rolled-up newspaper in one hand. No! Scruffles! You miserable beast!
Scruffles barked loudly, charging at her. Mrs. Perkins grabbed the dog by the collar and hauled him away.
Stupid mutt! Mrs. Black was in a towering rage, her fine dress almost certainly ruined. I hate bloody dogs!Oh, Adhara, I'm so sorry! Mrs. Lupin sobbed, trying in vain to blot out the damp coleslaw stains on Mrs. Black's gown.
Mrs. Perkins came back, wringing her hands. Heloise, I'm sorry! The damn dog broke his rope! He must have smelled your barbecue! Miserable animal, he never stops eating!!
Sirius was howling, tears and eyeliner running down his face. Remus was trying to shut him up, but was giggling himself. The Blacks were beside themselves with fury, and again Remus wondered why they had worn their finest clothes to a barbecue.
Regulus was clinging to his father and whimpering. Fourteen or no, Regulus was still sufficiently scared enough of dogs to cry whenever one was near. Sirius had often wondered if a visit from Padfoot might not make him feel better.
It took awhile to clean everything up and restore order. The hose was employed to wash the condiment stains off the grass. Everyone trooped inside to be out of the way while Mr. Lupin hosed down the garden. They all clustered together in the dining room. It was very crowded.
Mrs. Lupin attempted to smile. Well, who's ready for dessert?
To Be Continued.
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(A/N: Poor Sirius. Poor Remus. Poor everyone! Except for the Blacks, though. They deserve it.)