Title: What it Feels Like for a Girl (3/?)
Author: Beach Blonde Babe
Rating: I'm putting it at an R for now, but only because I don't know what's gonna happen later. Right now, it's at about a PG-13, for language.
Series Summary: Xander plays dress up at Dawn's insistence, but after a spat with Anya, badness ensues.
Chapter Summary: The Gang finds out about Xander's little problem, and they decide what they're going to do about it.
Pairing: Spike/Xander, mentions of Xander/Anya
Disclaimer: These people aren't mine (God, do I wish they were.) Joss owns them, the lucky bastard. I just play with them and then put them back.
Distribution: If you really want it, take it. Just let me know where I can find it afterwards.
Spoilers: None, really.
A/N: This is un-beta'd. I'm sorry if there are any glaring errors. You can write me a long, long review on how stupid I am.
A/N 2: This takes place after Hush sometime, probably late season four. Nothing's really specific. Dawn's in it, for my purposes, and Tara's in it, 'cause I like Willow and Tara together. So there you go. You can put this story anywhere you want to, within those parameters.
Man, I Feel Like A Woman! (Part II)
Willow rapped nervously on the door to the Harris' basement. Spike had called earlier that morning, telling her that something had happened to Xander, and that they should come over right away. She and Buffy had come as soon as was possible. Now, with no answer, Willow was really worried. She looked over at Buffy who was eyeing the door with equal concern, and some impatience. She heard Spike's voice, but couldn't make out what he was saying. She also heard - a woman? Confused, Willow knocked again, harder.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
"You're gonna have to come out of there sooner or later, y'know. Your friends'll be here any minute." Spike yelled through the closed bathroom door.
"Go away!" Xander yelled back, and Spike could have sworn that he heard tears in the whelp's voice. The thought made him grin. He shook his head, and his grin widened when he smelled vanilla. The Slayer was near.
"They're he-ere!" he called gleefully through the door. "Come and greet them, pet?" Once more couldn't hurt.
"Go to hell!" Xander dissolved into tears again.
Spike whistled a happy tune as he walked towards the door, though he'd kill before anyone knew that he enjoyed Rodgers and Hammerstein. He stood behind it, waiting. He let them knock once, then twice. Building up suspense and all. He opened the door while Willow was in mid-knock, and smiled cheerfully at the girls. "H'lo Red. Slayer, pleasure as alw-gak!" He was cut off by Buffy's small hand crushing his windpipe against a wall.
"Where. Is. He?" The Slayer was all business. Spike glurbled out a reply. Buffy pushed back harder.
"Um.... Buffy?" The Slayer looked to her best friend. Willow was looking at the small blonde apprehensively. "Maybe he could talk better without you trying to kill him? It's just a thought." Buffy nodded, and dropped Spike, who gasped, even though he didn't need it, and clutched his throat.
"Thanks, pet. Knew you were a good one." Buffy gave Spike a pointed look. "Right. In the loo, he is. Been in there for three hours straight." He crossed his arms in satisfaction.
"What's wrong with him?" Willow asked.
"I think he might want to be the one to give you that little tidbit of of info." Spike padded to the bathroom door. "Xander, your friends want to see the new you. You wanna come on out?" When there was no answer, Willow tried her hand.
"Come on, Xan, just come out. Whatever it is, it can't be that bad, right?" The door remained motionless. Willow begged and pleaded with a silent door to no avail. At length, the knob turned slowly. The door opened, and out walked one of the most beautiful women Willow had ever seen. Her eyes were all red and puffy, but she was still stunning. "Umm...Hi." Willow said, puzzled, but still trying to be polite. "Where's Xander?" Didn't work.
The girl burst out into gasping sobs. Willow looked to Buffy for answers. Buffy was standing stock-still, her eyebrows raised and her mouth forming a perfect "o." "Buffy? What's wrong?"
"Will, look at her clothes." Willow did. //Okay. Red shirt. Not seeing the big deal. A black mini skirt. What girl doesn't have one of those? Black stocking. Again, why is this important? Those were some really hooker-y looking boots. Kinda like her Halloween boots from three years ago. But she had leant those to Xande-//
"Oh Goddess!" Willow ran over and embraced her best friend, Buffy following suit soon after. Xander again, for about the tenth time that day, burst out crying, and Spike just sat on Xander's couch, pouting. It hadn't been as much fun as he had hoped. But wait! The Bit still didn't know. Spike's Cheshire grin returned, as he stood up.
"Don't you lot think Giles should know about this?"
____________________________________________________________________________________________
"Oh my God! This is sooo cool!" Dawn squealed and wrapped herself around Xander's now smaller form.
"No Dawnie! Not cool. Far beyond the realm of cool." Xander moaned in his new higher pitched voice. "This is, like, a billion miles before cool even starts to become a speck on the map!" He detached himself from the squealing thirteen year old, and flopped down dejectedly onto the couch. Giles, from his perch in his kitchen doorsill, shook his head. Poor boy. He always seemed to get the worst of everything. He cleared his throat.
"Well, uh, we'll get to work right away trying to discern the cause of this, um, occurrence. Until then, erm, Xander, if you would, ah -" Giles trailed off, looking slightly embarrassed.
"K. Y. L. C., Whelp." Spike finished for him, leering. Xander immediately pulled his legs shut, blushing furiously.
//Damnit. All this . . . . This sucks.//
\\Thanks, Brain. You're a big help.\\
//More'n you.//
\\Go to h-\\
"Xander!" Xander snapped back to attention as Giles snapped his name. "I would appreciate your attention, since this matter concerns you chiefly!" Giles glared at him over his glasses. Xander nodded, blushing.
"Sorry, G-Man. This is just a hell of a lot weirder than I like my strange." Giles rolled his eyes at the use of the familiar, and hated, nickname, but didn't comment on it. He simply sighed, removed his glasses, cleaned them, and replaced them.
"As I was saying. From all outward appearances, this appears to be some sort of spell." All eyes turned towards Willow, who gasped and looked extremely hurt.
"Nuh-uh! Not me!" She shook her head vehemently. "I float pencils and cover zits. That's the extent of my powers. Sex changes are far beyond my abilities." That seemed to appease Giles, but not Xander, who suddenly sat up and pointed at his best friend.
"Ooh! What about that whole "I-am-woman-hear-me-roar" shtick you two had going on last night? You were all Susan B. Anthony then!" Willow's eyes widened in pain.
"Do you really think I would do something like that??" Tears pooled in her large green eyes, and Xander was slightly shocked to see Tara place her hand on Willow's lower back, and shoot small-but-noticeable glares at Xander, who at least had the grace to look sorry. He slumped back into his seat on the couch, and put his head into his hands, his long dark hair spilling everywhere, shielding his face from view. He raised it again, dark curls spilling everywhere.
"No, Wills, but still. You know your track record with spells. I mean, you were all "I wish you knew what it feels like to be a girl." Giles gasped softly, and sat next to Xander.
"Xander. Have you and Anya recently . . . quarreled?" He placed a hand on Xander's knee, and then removed it when he realized that that would probably be an inappropriate place to be touching a young girl, even if that girl wasn't a girl. But then, he was. This was awfully confusing. Xander looked puzzled, and slightly frightened at Giles' hand.
"Umm . . . . Just a small disagreement about the party. She didn't want me to go, but I knew that I had to, for Dawn. She left in a huff, saying she was going to go visit some old friends." Xander went silent for a few moments, while the rest of the group caught on to Giles' point. Xander finally got the message. "Oh shit."
____________________________________________________________________________________________
"You have no idea how sorry I am! Sorry doesn't even begin to cut it. I don't deserve to live! I deserve to - to -" Willow paused in her stream of babble to think of a punishment suitable for a crime of this nature.
"Be fed to Spike?" Spike chimed in hopefully. A chorus of "Shut up, Spike!" sounded, almost as one, from the entire room, Giles' male voice being drowned out by the now five female ones. Spike slouched back into his chair, grumbling, "No one ever lets me have any fun." Giles searched through his library of books, trying to find the volume with Anyanka's summoning spell. //Damn. Must have leant it to Angel. He must still have it.// He went into his kitchen, and made the necessary phone call. Willow, Buffy, Dawn, and Tara swarmed Xander, trying to make him feel better.
"You know, Xander, if you want to change out of those clothes, I'm pretty sure we're about the same size." Dawn offered. "Although," she mused, "I think you've got bigger boobs." Xander looked at her in horror, and then burst into gasping sobs once more.
"Oi! What's with all the tears, then?" Spike demanded from his perch in Giles' armchair. Willow cut in before Spike could do more damage.
"He's right, you know. Having big boo - er - a large bust is a good thing."
"Not if you're a guy, Wills!" Xander cried even harder. He curled up into Tara's shoulder, a quivering mass of girl.
"Hate to break it to you, mate, but you're not so much a bloke anymore." Spike called to him snarkliy, knowing this would push Xander over the edge. He was right. The whelp started gasping for air, the sobs coming faster than he could breathe. He smirked, gloating over his victory. //Let's see him try to call me impotent again.// He gulped, however, when he saw the Slayer get up, murder and sharp, pointy wooden objects in her eyes. She hauled Spike up and pushed him into Giles' front door. The tiny decorative windows, while pleasant to look at, let in small patches of sunlight onto Spike's back and neck. Spike began to smoke.
"Listen, you bleached freak." Buffy growled, dead serious. "You will be nice. You will do whatever it takes to make him - her - hi - Xander feel better. You don't, and you will kiss daylight. Get me?" Spike nodded hurriedly, and when Buffy let him go, he dropped to the floor and rolled, trying to smother the small fire on his back.
Meanwhile, Dawn an idea formulating in her mind. "You know, Xander, since it looks like you're going to be . . . like this for at least a little while, -"
"A month." Giles cut Dawn off. Buffy noticed that her former Watcher looked very upset. "Angel can't tear himself away from LA for at least a month. I'm sorry, Xander." he said, looking apologetically at the young man-turned-woman.
"Whatever." Dawn said, waving her hand dismissively. "Look, you're going to need a month's worth of clothes." She looked to Willow and her sister, whose faces lit up. All three girls cried, "Shopping trip!" Xander groaned and dropped his head into his hands. Spike just snickered softly.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
In case you haven't guessed, next chapter: Shopping trip!!
Author: Beach Blonde Babe
Rating: I'm putting it at an R for now, but only because I don't know what's gonna happen later. Right now, it's at about a PG-13, for language.
Series Summary: Xander plays dress up at Dawn's insistence, but after a spat with Anya, badness ensues.
Chapter Summary: The Gang finds out about Xander's little problem, and they decide what they're going to do about it.
Pairing: Spike/Xander, mentions of Xander/Anya
Disclaimer: These people aren't mine (God, do I wish they were.) Joss owns them, the lucky bastard. I just play with them and then put them back.
Distribution: If you really want it, take it. Just let me know where I can find it afterwards.
Spoilers: None, really.
A/N: This is un-beta'd. I'm sorry if there are any glaring errors. You can write me a long, long review on how stupid I am.
A/N 2: This takes place after Hush sometime, probably late season four. Nothing's really specific. Dawn's in it, for my purposes, and Tara's in it, 'cause I like Willow and Tara together. So there you go. You can put this story anywhere you want to, within those parameters.
Man, I Feel Like A Woman! (Part II)
Willow rapped nervously on the door to the Harris' basement. Spike had called earlier that morning, telling her that something had happened to Xander, and that they should come over right away. She and Buffy had come as soon as was possible. Now, with no answer, Willow was really worried. She looked over at Buffy who was eyeing the door with equal concern, and some impatience. She heard Spike's voice, but couldn't make out what he was saying. She also heard - a woman? Confused, Willow knocked again, harder.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
"You're gonna have to come out of there sooner or later, y'know. Your friends'll be here any minute." Spike yelled through the closed bathroom door.
"Go away!" Xander yelled back, and Spike could have sworn that he heard tears in the whelp's voice. The thought made him grin. He shook his head, and his grin widened when he smelled vanilla. The Slayer was near.
"They're he-ere!" he called gleefully through the door. "Come and greet them, pet?" Once more couldn't hurt.
"Go to hell!" Xander dissolved into tears again.
Spike whistled a happy tune as he walked towards the door, though he'd kill before anyone knew that he enjoyed Rodgers and Hammerstein. He stood behind it, waiting. He let them knock once, then twice. Building up suspense and all. He opened the door while Willow was in mid-knock, and smiled cheerfully at the girls. "H'lo Red. Slayer, pleasure as alw-gak!" He was cut off by Buffy's small hand crushing his windpipe against a wall.
"Where. Is. He?" The Slayer was all business. Spike glurbled out a reply. Buffy pushed back harder.
"Um.... Buffy?" The Slayer looked to her best friend. Willow was looking at the small blonde apprehensively. "Maybe he could talk better without you trying to kill him? It's just a thought." Buffy nodded, and dropped Spike, who gasped, even though he didn't need it, and clutched his throat.
"Thanks, pet. Knew you were a good one." Buffy gave Spike a pointed look. "Right. In the loo, he is. Been in there for three hours straight." He crossed his arms in satisfaction.
"What's wrong with him?" Willow asked.
"I think he might want to be the one to give you that little tidbit of of info." Spike padded to the bathroom door. "Xander, your friends want to see the new you. You wanna come on out?" When there was no answer, Willow tried her hand.
"Come on, Xan, just come out. Whatever it is, it can't be that bad, right?" The door remained motionless. Willow begged and pleaded with a silent door to no avail. At length, the knob turned slowly. The door opened, and out walked one of the most beautiful women Willow had ever seen. Her eyes were all red and puffy, but she was still stunning. "Umm...Hi." Willow said, puzzled, but still trying to be polite. "Where's Xander?" Didn't work.
The girl burst out into gasping sobs. Willow looked to Buffy for answers. Buffy was standing stock-still, her eyebrows raised and her mouth forming a perfect "o." "Buffy? What's wrong?"
"Will, look at her clothes." Willow did. //Okay. Red shirt. Not seeing the big deal. A black mini skirt. What girl doesn't have one of those? Black stocking. Again, why is this important? Those were some really hooker-y looking boots. Kinda like her Halloween boots from three years ago. But she had leant those to Xande-//
"Oh Goddess!" Willow ran over and embraced her best friend, Buffy following suit soon after. Xander again, for about the tenth time that day, burst out crying, and Spike just sat on Xander's couch, pouting. It hadn't been as much fun as he had hoped. But wait! The Bit still didn't know. Spike's Cheshire grin returned, as he stood up.
"Don't you lot think Giles should know about this?"
____________________________________________________________________________________________
"Oh my God! This is sooo cool!" Dawn squealed and wrapped herself around Xander's now smaller form.
"No Dawnie! Not cool. Far beyond the realm of cool." Xander moaned in his new higher pitched voice. "This is, like, a billion miles before cool even starts to become a speck on the map!" He detached himself from the squealing thirteen year old, and flopped down dejectedly onto the couch. Giles, from his perch in his kitchen doorsill, shook his head. Poor boy. He always seemed to get the worst of everything. He cleared his throat.
"Well, uh, we'll get to work right away trying to discern the cause of this, um, occurrence. Until then, erm, Xander, if you would, ah -" Giles trailed off, looking slightly embarrassed.
"K. Y. L. C., Whelp." Spike finished for him, leering. Xander immediately pulled his legs shut, blushing furiously.
//Damnit. All this . . . . This sucks.//
\\Thanks, Brain. You're a big help.\\
//More'n you.//
\\Go to h-\\
"Xander!" Xander snapped back to attention as Giles snapped his name. "I would appreciate your attention, since this matter concerns you chiefly!" Giles glared at him over his glasses. Xander nodded, blushing.
"Sorry, G-Man. This is just a hell of a lot weirder than I like my strange." Giles rolled his eyes at the use of the familiar, and hated, nickname, but didn't comment on it. He simply sighed, removed his glasses, cleaned them, and replaced them.
"As I was saying. From all outward appearances, this appears to be some sort of spell." All eyes turned towards Willow, who gasped and looked extremely hurt.
"Nuh-uh! Not me!" She shook her head vehemently. "I float pencils and cover zits. That's the extent of my powers. Sex changes are far beyond my abilities." That seemed to appease Giles, but not Xander, who suddenly sat up and pointed at his best friend.
"Ooh! What about that whole "I-am-woman-hear-me-roar" shtick you two had going on last night? You were all Susan B. Anthony then!" Willow's eyes widened in pain.
"Do you really think I would do something like that??" Tears pooled in her large green eyes, and Xander was slightly shocked to see Tara place her hand on Willow's lower back, and shoot small-but-noticeable glares at Xander, who at least had the grace to look sorry. He slumped back into his seat on the couch, and put his head into his hands, his long dark hair spilling everywhere, shielding his face from view. He raised it again, dark curls spilling everywhere.
"No, Wills, but still. You know your track record with spells. I mean, you were all "I wish you knew what it feels like to be a girl." Giles gasped softly, and sat next to Xander.
"Xander. Have you and Anya recently . . . quarreled?" He placed a hand on Xander's knee, and then removed it when he realized that that would probably be an inappropriate place to be touching a young girl, even if that girl wasn't a girl. But then, he was. This was awfully confusing. Xander looked puzzled, and slightly frightened at Giles' hand.
"Umm . . . . Just a small disagreement about the party. She didn't want me to go, but I knew that I had to, for Dawn. She left in a huff, saying she was going to go visit some old friends." Xander went silent for a few moments, while the rest of the group caught on to Giles' point. Xander finally got the message. "Oh shit."
____________________________________________________________________________________________
"You have no idea how sorry I am! Sorry doesn't even begin to cut it. I don't deserve to live! I deserve to - to -" Willow paused in her stream of babble to think of a punishment suitable for a crime of this nature.
"Be fed to Spike?" Spike chimed in hopefully. A chorus of "Shut up, Spike!" sounded, almost as one, from the entire room, Giles' male voice being drowned out by the now five female ones. Spike slouched back into his chair, grumbling, "No one ever lets me have any fun." Giles searched through his library of books, trying to find the volume with Anyanka's summoning spell. //Damn. Must have leant it to Angel. He must still have it.// He went into his kitchen, and made the necessary phone call. Willow, Buffy, Dawn, and Tara swarmed Xander, trying to make him feel better.
"You know, Xander, if you want to change out of those clothes, I'm pretty sure we're about the same size." Dawn offered. "Although," she mused, "I think you've got bigger boobs." Xander looked at her in horror, and then burst into gasping sobs once more.
"Oi! What's with all the tears, then?" Spike demanded from his perch in Giles' armchair. Willow cut in before Spike could do more damage.
"He's right, you know. Having big boo - er - a large bust is a good thing."
"Not if you're a guy, Wills!" Xander cried even harder. He curled up into Tara's shoulder, a quivering mass of girl.
"Hate to break it to you, mate, but you're not so much a bloke anymore." Spike called to him snarkliy, knowing this would push Xander over the edge. He was right. The whelp started gasping for air, the sobs coming faster than he could breathe. He smirked, gloating over his victory. //Let's see him try to call me impotent again.// He gulped, however, when he saw the Slayer get up, murder and sharp, pointy wooden objects in her eyes. She hauled Spike up and pushed him into Giles' front door. The tiny decorative windows, while pleasant to look at, let in small patches of sunlight onto Spike's back and neck. Spike began to smoke.
"Listen, you bleached freak." Buffy growled, dead serious. "You will be nice. You will do whatever it takes to make him - her - hi - Xander feel better. You don't, and you will kiss daylight. Get me?" Spike nodded hurriedly, and when Buffy let him go, he dropped to the floor and rolled, trying to smother the small fire on his back.
Meanwhile, Dawn an idea formulating in her mind. "You know, Xander, since it looks like you're going to be . . . like this for at least a little while, -"
"A month." Giles cut Dawn off. Buffy noticed that her former Watcher looked very upset. "Angel can't tear himself away from LA for at least a month. I'm sorry, Xander." he said, looking apologetically at the young man-turned-woman.
"Whatever." Dawn said, waving her hand dismissively. "Look, you're going to need a month's worth of clothes." She looked to Willow and her sister, whose faces lit up. All three girls cried, "Shopping trip!" Xander groaned and dropped his head into his hands. Spike just snickered softly.
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In case you haven't guessed, next chapter: Shopping trip!!