----------------------------------------

December 15, 2004

----------------------------------------

This story takes place sometime in the short future. Kathy and Elliot's divorce is final and Elliot is now living in his own apartment in the city.

----------------------------------------

Olivia sat in the bathroom of her apartment, her shaking hand covering her mouth as she sat on the edge of the bathtub in shock. Her other shaking hand was holding a small plastic stick that she stared at unwaveringly. Oh God, was all she could think, over and over. Finally she closed her eyes and as she did a salty tear created a small river down the soft curve of her cheek.

----------------------------------------

The next day Olivia walked into work quietly, smiling only slightly at Elliot as she took a seat.

"Good morning," he said and stared at her.

"Morning," she replied softly. He studied her for a moment, concerned.

"Would you like me to get you some coffee?" He asked. She looked up and shook her head quickly.

"No thanks," she said and reached for a file on her desk. Elliot tilted his head slightly.

"You okay, Liv?"

"Mmhmm, fine," she murmured and didn't look up at him. He watched her for a few more seconds before he shrugged his bulky shoulders and looked back down at his desk. Okay then, he thought.

----------------------------------------

Later that morning Elliot glanced up from his paperwork again and looked at Olivia. She was leaning with her elbow on the desk and was pinching the bridge of her nose. Her eyes were closed and her brows were furrowed and she just looked quite pitiful.

"Liv," Elliot said quietly and reached across the desk. He didn't touch her, but he placed his hand, palm facing up, on her desk. She looked up quickly and dropped her arm into her lip. "Let's go get something to eat," he said. She shook her head.

"I'm not hungry."

"You need to get out of here for a little while, c'mon." He tried his best winning smile. "My treat." She sighed and then nodded slightly. "Good girl," he murmured and she didn't even have the energy to roll her eyes at him.

They decided to just walk to the café they frequented because it was close by and cheap. After they had sat down outside and placed their orders, Elliot turned to her. He studied her for a moment, noticing the dark circles surrounding her eyes and the tiredness etched in the lines of her face.

"Liv, are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine, Elliot." He sighed.

"I know that this is going to get me a swift kick in the balls if I say this, but I have to. You look like death, Olivia." She snorted and leaned back in her chair.

"Thanks for the pick-me-up, El," she said and looked away. He reached across the table and placed his hand in front of her again.

"Talk to me," he said quietly. She looked at him and met his gaze. He could see a war of sorts raging inside of her. He knew she hated leaning on anyone, but he also knew that he was her best friend, the one she did talk to. Olivia closed her eyes quickly because she couldn't stand the sympathy she saw floating in his. Her chin quivered and he sat back quickly, surprised. It was a rare occasion for him to see her cry, especially in public.

"I can't do this here, not now," she whispered without opening her eyes.

"Okay," he said quietly. "I won't ask you about it right now." She finally opened her eyes and he could see the tears swimming there. "Tonight, after work, let me drop you off at your place, okay? We can talk then," he said. She stared at him for a moment and then blinked rapidly as she swallowed hard. "Okay?" He repeated. She met his gaze and then she nodded once.

----------------------------------------

As soon as they got back from lunch, Cragen sent them to an apartment where a woman's body had been found. She had possibly been raped. Olivia wished they hadn't gotten this assignment, not today, but there was nothing she could do about it. She didn't want to alert the captain that anything was going on with her. She sighed and followed Elliot to their car.

They arrived on the scene and before they even stepped in to the room, Olivia could feel the smell of death smack her in the face.

"Oh God," she moaned and slowly followed Elliot in to the bedroom where the woman's body had been found on the floor. She reached into her pocket for a tissue she hoped was still there. She covered her face and looked over Elliot's shoulder at the body.

"I'd say she's been dead about a week," Elliot said and made a face. One of the officers who had been first on the scene came over.

"Neighbors reported a strange smell coming from the room. Landlady says that she hasn't seen Miss Jenkins for a few days but that doesn't necessarily mean much 'cause she didn't show her face too often."

"Live alone?" Elliot asked. The officer nodded and Elliot nodded in return and then bent down over the body after quickly covering his nose. God, it was wrank. Elliot looked over his shoulder for his partner and saw her standing a few feet back with her tissue over her nose. She wasn't looking at the body.

"Benson?" He asked and she glanced at him quickly. Then she shook her head violently and raced back out the door. Elliot watched her go, surprised and confused. He wanted to follow her, but he had his job to do, for both of them now.

Olivia ran down the steps as quickly as she could manage and pushed out of the building. She took a big gulp of the fresh air and then plopped down onto the steps. She leaned forward and put her head between her knees.

"Oh man," she muttered quietly to herself. She took several small gulps of air in a row, trying to calm her rolling stomach.

"You okay?" Someone asked from above her. She looked up to find an officer looking down at her. Olivia nodded.

"Yeah," she said.

"You never get used to that smell," the woman officer said and then took a seat beside Olivia.

"That's the first time I've had a problem with it since I made myself sick over my very first body," Olivia said. The officer smiled.

"It happens to the best of us. I'm Officer Jennifer Michaels by the way," the woman said. Olivia smiled.

"Detective Olivia Benson," Olivia replied and then leaned her forehead against her knees. She wasn't quite up to par just yet.

"I came down to get a little air myself," Officer Michaels said quietly. Olivia tried to smile. "The smell somehow makes the entire case seem worse; dirtier." Olivia nodded and wished the woman would leave her alone. She hated being bothered when she was showing weakness and she hated making small talk, especially over the job.

"I'm going to try and walk this off," Olivia said and tried her best to smile politely. "Nice meeting you." The officer smiled back at her as Olivia stood up and walked away. She placed her hands on her hips and took another deep breath of air. She walked down the sidewalk and then back halfway before she turned around and did it again. On her fourth trip back, she saw Elliot come out of the building and look around for her. When their eyes met, she smiled weakly at him and walked towards him.

"You okay?" He asked and took her elbow, leading her to the car. She smiled.

"Later," she said and shook her head. He frowned at her, but nodded.

"Let's go," he said.

----------------------------------------

Later that night, Olivia, Elliot, and Cragen stood around the desks in the bullpen.

"We've got some samples in the lab and the body's with the M.E.'s office. It's getting late, so we for sure won't get anything back til at least tomorrow, if not later," Elliot told Cragen. Cragen nodded.

"Alright, that looks to be about all you can do for the night. Head out, get some sleep. See you in the morning," he said and turned to walk to his office.

"Ready?" Elliot asked as he turned to Olivia. She nodded even though she really just wanted to run and hide. She didn't really want to have this conversation with him, but she knew she had to. She walked to her locker to get her coat.

The cab ride to her apartment was silent. Elliot knew she wouldn't talk about anything in front of the cab driver and he also knew she wasn't in the mood to talk about small talk, so he just remained quiet until they arrived at her place.

After they shut the door to her apartment behind them, Elliot slid out of his coat and hung it on the rack she had inside of the door. He helped her out of her coat and hung it beside his.

"Want anything to drink?" Olivia asked. Elliot shrugged.

"I'm fine," he said. She walked to the kitchen and he followed behind her.

"I'm getting a glass of water for myself, you sure you don't want anything?"

"Uh, I'll take a glass, too, then." He sat down at the kitchen table as he watched her pull two glasses down from the cupboard. He waited until she had poured the water and was sitting across from him at the kitchen table before he said anything. "So…" He trailed off. Olivia looked down at the glass she had in her hands.

"Something happened a few weeks ago," she said. Elliot's eyebrows rose. She had acted fine the past few weeks, up until a few days ago, and namely today.

"Okay," he said softly, prompting her to continue.

"I…" She paused and met his eyes. He could sense the nerves dancing in the air. "You're not going to approve," Olivia whispered. His brows drew together in confusion.

"Of?" He asked. Olivia hung her head and swallowed hard.

"Three weeks ago I picked up a guy in a bar," she said and lifted her head to watch is reaction. She saw his jaw harden slightly, but he made no other move. She sighed. "I was just… I just needed to escape for a little while," she said softly. "So I went for some drinks and for some sex," Elliot cut her off.

"Why? What was bothering you?" He asked. She looked at him and couldn't bear to tell the truth. She shrugged.

"I don't know." She lifted her shoulders. "Just, everything, the job… Life." Elliot watched her closely. He sensed something else but she wasn't telling. "I went back to his apartment with him."

"Christ, Liv," Elliot said and pushed away from the table to stand up and pace the kitchen. "Do you know how unsafe that is?"

"I'm not a child, Elliot. I'm a grown woman. I'm a cop. I knew what I was doing," she said.

"You were drinking," he stated flatly as he stopped to stare at her. She nearly winced under his gaze. No wonder perps were so intimidated by him.

"Yes, I was drinking. I was also there with the sole purpose of finding someone to fuck," she said hotly. Elliot threw his hands into the air and turned around.

"Did you at least have the sense to use a condom?" He growled out, still not facing her. Olivia's stomach dropped heavily then. And there you have it.

"Yes, actually." She paused. "But that's what I need to talk to you about." He turned to face her. She stared at him for a moment and then pleaded with him. "Please sit down, Elliot, you're making me…" She stopped.

"What?" He asked. She nearly squirmed.

"Please sit," she whispered. He sighed and dropped into his chair. "We used a condom," she said very quietly. "But I guess it didn't work." Olivia wouldn't meet his gaze. Elliot was silent, shocked.

"What?" He paused and when she didn't answer he continued. "What does that mean? Did he give you something, because…" Elliot trailed off. Because what? What the hell would he do about it? Elliot stared at her.

"In a way, yes," she said and finally met his gaze. "I'm pregnant, El," she said and then burst into tears. Elliot froze and then stared at her, shocked. Oh my God, he thought. Oh shit.

"Liv, okay, it's okay," he murmured and slid out of his chair to kneel in front of her. She shook her head and sobbed quietly.

"Elliot, I don't even know his name," she said and dropped her chin to her chest. He pulled her up from her chair and wrapped his arms around her. She buried her face into his chest and clung to him for dear life as the sobs ripped out of her. He rubbed her back gently and laid his cheek against her head.

"Well, you were at his apartment, you can find out who he is," Elliot said. She let out another loud sob and shook her head.

"I don't know where it is," she said quietly.

"What?"

"I was… I don't know, I was drunk. We took a cab and I didn't pay attention when he gave the address. When I left I hailed a cab and I dozed the whole way home," she said. Elliot pulled her away and looked at her. She could feel his angry gaze on her face and she knew he was pissed.

"Olivia, I don't…" He stopped. "I don't understand how you… You're a cop, for God's sake!" He exclaimed. Her face crumpled again. His anger wasn't helping her cope, so she pulled away from him and walked towards the living room. He followed her and sighed. "Look, Liv, I'm sorry." He put his hand on her shoulder. "Okay? I'm sorry. I'm just… It upsets me that you would do something like that. I've worried about my children all this time, trying to protect them, hoping they wouldn't do something stupid. You're a cop and you know the dangers out there." He stopped again. "Okay." He held up his hand. "What's done is done, you're… you're not hurt or dead." He stopped.

"No, but I'm pregnant," she whispered. "That's still something." She turned away from him, not wanting him to see her shame. She was a grown woman, for heaven's sake. It had been her choice and she had known what she was getting in to. They had used a condom. It wasn't her fault that it broke.

"God, Elliot," Olivia pushed her hand through her hair and then crossed her arms under her breasts. "How the hell am I supposed to do this?" She turned back around and let the tears slide from her eyes openly. "How can I take care of this baby? How can I be someone's mother?" Elliot rubbed his hand on her upper arm.

"You can," he said softly.

"I'm a cop, El. You had Kathy to take care of the kids, primarily. Can you imagine if you had to do it alone? And you have other family members to help you out. I'm all alone," she whispered the last bit.

"You're not alone," Elliot said and tilted her chin up with his hand. "I will help you." She shook her head.

"But I am alone. El, you're not this baby's father. And when we're at work what am I going to do with it?"

"We'll figure something out," he said quietly.

"No, I'll figure something out," she said and stared at him.

"I will help you, Liv."

"You're not responsible."

"Maybe you should try and find the father." Olivia's lips lifted slightly in an ironic smile.

"If I wanted to," she said. Elliot stared at her.

"You don't want to?" She shook her head.

"Why should I? He didn't mean to get himself into this anymore than I did."

"You didn't do it alone, Liv. Just because you're carrying your child doesn't mean that it's not just as equally his. His child and his responsibility." Elliot stared down at her. She pulled away and began to pace the living room. She shoved her hand through her hair again.

"My mother did it alone, I can too," she said. Elliot sighed.

"You don't want to do that to your own child," he said. She looked at him.

"How the hell do you know what I want?" She yelled. He sighed.

"You always wonder about your father. You know he's a monster, but you always wonder. Do you really want to leave your child wondering, too? You don't know anything about this man. You don't even know his name. Do you want to do that to your kid?" Elliot argued, angry with her. Olivia sighed. Elliot was such a good man. Responsible. She knew he took on the weight of his children as much as he could. He thought all fathers should be as big a part of their children's lives as much as he was with his children. But Olivia knew better. That's not how it worked, not nearly often enough.

"I'll think about it," Olivia lied, hoping it would calm him for the moment. He nodded, but didn't really believe her. He just knew he shouldn't argue with her like this.

"So, how did you know?" He asked quietly, shifting back into concerned Elliot mode. She sighed.

"I just felt wrong." She paused. "I got sick a couple times and then my period was two days late. That's not normal, because I'm as regular as clockwork. And I was already suspecting something, so I took a test." She sighed. "I bought another one to double check."

"Is that what happened this morning? At the Jenkins apartment?" Olivia nodded wearily and then walked to the couch and dropped down on it. She sat back and sighed.

"The smell just… got to me. More than normal," she said. He nodded, understanding. He sat down beside her.

"What are you going to do about work?" Olivia looked at him. "When are you going to tell everyone?" Olivia sighed.

"I don't know, I guess I wanted to wait a while," she said and before he could say anything, she barreled on. "I know that… If Cragen knew, he'd put me on desk duty or something like that, and I don't… I can make my decisions on this, Elliot. If something is going to potentially put my life, this baby's life, in seriously threatening danger… I'll back down. If we know something could happen, I will speak up, because not only is my life on the line, but so is yours. I'm your partner, I've got your back and if I can't go in there and back you up because of this, I will make sure that someone else can back you up. If it comes to that, I'll tell the captain." Elliot sighed, not really happy with that, but he knew it was her choice and she was firm about it.

"I don't know how long that will work, Liv," he said. She shrugged.

"Any time I can have is good enough. I won't get… fat for awhile, so I don't have to say anything until then. But I probably will, I just need some time, okay?" Elliot nodded. "I needed to figure this out for me." Elliot reached over and folded her hand into his. He squeezed it gently.

"I just have to work on not dropping any hints on accident," she said.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, this morning you asked me if I'd like some coffee and I said no because it's caffeinated. But if I do that every day, decline coffee, somebody's going to catch on." Elliot chuckled.

"Your mind works like a detective," he grinned.

"We work with a bunch of detectives who are trained to pick up on details, so you can't be too safe," she said. He chuckled.

"Well, why don't you start drinking tea or something? You can bring your own and tell people you're giving up coffee for whatever reason and then it'll be fine," he said. She shrugged.

"Good point. But I might cry every morning when I don't get that added boost of energy," she said. "Either that or murder anyone who comes across my path." He chuckled.

"I'll be sure to watch out," he joked. They sat silently for a few moments before she spoke again.

"Elliot?" She asked softly, her voice watery. He glanced at her and saw the tears hovering on her eyelids. He smiled sadly and pulled her into his arms.

"It's okay, Liv, it's going to be alright."

----------------------------------------