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December 15, 2004
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This gets a little graphic in some places, and I don't even mean sexually.
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Olivia stood in the bathroom of her apartment, staring at herself in the mirror. She was ready for work and was going to leave in about five minutes, but she had caught herself in the bathroom again. Always watching her body. Sometimes she felt as if she'd wake up one morning and automatically just be the size of a house. It was hard for her to process a gradual growing of her stomach. She sighed and looked at her stomach through her shirt. She was only about six weeks pregnant and she knew she wasn't going to start growing for weeks to come, but she was still paranoid about someone at work noticing.
She turned sideways and untucked her shirt before lifting it to expose her stomach. She looked in the mirror and knew that there was nothing. Flat as normal, she thought and gently cradled her flat belly with the palm of her hand. She sighed and shook herself out of her reverie. She tucked her shirt back in and headed to the kitchen for her morning glass of orange juice.
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Olivia dropped into her desk at work and smiled at Elliot. "Good morning," she said. He smiled and looked over his shoulder quickly before lowering his voice.
"How do you feel?" He asked. She smiled and rolled her eyes at him. Every morning, like clock work, he asked her that.
"Same as yesterday morning," she replied. "And the day before that, and the day before that." She smirked at him.
"Alright, fine," he smiled. "See if I care."
"Benson. Stabler." Cragen walked out of his office. "Got a call for you."
"Already?"
"I just got here," Olivia said. Cragen smiled slightly.
"Someone found a body in Central Park this morning during their morning jog," Cragen said. Olivia shrugged back into her coat.
"We're on it," Elliot said.
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"Really, Liv, how do you feel?" Elliot asked in the car on the way to the park.
"Elliot, I'm fine, I swear," she replied and looked at him softly. He is such a good friend, she thought.
"I just want to be sure, 'cause I know you don't have anyone there with you. Nobody to help you with morning sickness and whatever," he said. She shrugged.
"El, I told you, I don't get sick that often," she said.
"Yeah, yeah, but still. I told you I would help out, so I'm doing my part."
"By worrying?" She asked and smiled slightly at him. He nodded.
"Somebody has to," he said.
"I don't need you to baby-sit me, Elliot."
"I'm not! I'm just being a friend," he replied. She smiled and reached over to pat his knee.
"I know. And thank you, I really do appreciate it." They smiled at each other before continuing to the park in comfortable silence.
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Two days later, Olivia and Elliot sat in their car on a stakeout. The body in the park had led them to a well-known drug dealer and so they were watching an apartment that he apparently frequented.
Suddenly Olivia caught a movement out of the corner of her eye. "Hey, what is that?" She asked and pointed to the movement in the alley. Elliot squinted and followed her finger.
"Looks like someone is struggling," he said. Olivia sighed.
"Think we should break it up?" Suddenly a gunshot blasted through the air and they rushed out of the car.
"I guess so," Elliot said and they pulled their guns. "Olivia, you should stay here," he said, but figured it was useless. She shook her head firmly.
"I'm coming with you, you need back up," she said.
"Well stay behind me," he said firmly as he rushed to the alley way. They saw a man lying on the ground with a bullet hole in his chest. "There he goes!" Elliot exclaimed, just as Olivia bent and checked for a pulse.
"No pulse," she shouted as Elliot took off down the back of the alley. She started running to catch up.
"Stay back, Olivia, he has a gun," Elliot yelled over his shoulder as he rounded the corner. No shit, Sherlock, she thought to herself and followed him around the corner anyway. She came to a screeching halt when she saw the dead end and the man aiming his gun at Elliot. The gun wobbled as he aimed it at Olivia when she came around the corner.
"God dammit, Liv," Elliot muttered. "Drop your weapon!" Elliot yelled, his heart pounding hard in his chest. I'll be damned if she gets shot while I'm with her, he thought to himself. "Put the gun down!" He yelled firmly. Olivia and he both held the guns in their hands tightly, aimed directly at the man's chest. His gun wavered back and forth between Olivia and Elliot.
"Drop the gun," Olivia said more calmly to the man.
"You drop yours!" He exclaimed and aimed the gun back at her. Damn you, Liv, Elliot thought and gritted his teeth.
"Hey!" Elliot shouted and the man jerked the gun back to him. Elliot tried to shift slowly so he was in front of Olivia. She sighed and stood her ground, shifting just slightly so that her gun wasn't aimed at the back of Elliot's head.
"There's nothing you can do at this point," Olivia said quietly but firmly.
"You don't want to add shooting a police officer on top of this," Elliot said quietly. The man stared them down, eyes darting from one of them to the other. Finally after what felt like hours, he lowered the gun. He held out his hands and dropped the gun to the ground.
Before the guy could think, Elliot was all over him. Olivia rushed forward and slapped the cuffs on him as she read him his rights.
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"Jesus Christ, Liv, I told you to stay back!" Elliot exclaimed as soon as they got in the car to drive back to the station.
"I told you I would have your back at all times, no matter what," she argued. He sighed.
"You're pregnant, Liv, you have more than one life at stake when you do that!"
"And you don't think I know that?" She asked. "In that situation, I had three lives at stake! Yours, firstly because I'm your partner and that's my job. The life growing inside of me, and lastly my life because it is a vital part of my child's life at this point of the game. But I can't leave you hanging!" She exclaimed. He sighed.
"This has to stop, Olivia." She sighed and dropped her head back against the seat. She waited a few seconds before speaking softly.
"I will request a meeting in the morning, okay?" She said and absently rubbed a hand over her stomach because there was a small cramp plaguing her. "I don't have the energy to do it tonight, is that okay, sir?" She asked him and raised his eyebrows. He sighed.
"I just want you both to be safe," Elliot said. She smiled slightly.
"I know, I'm sorry I snapped at you."
"No, I'm sorry I yelled. I know you understand the risks," he said. "I guess I just… I thought about Kathy and when she was pregnant with our kids and I never would have let her do something like that."
"I'm not Kathy, for one thing. Secondly, I'm not your wife. And thirdly, I'm a cop and it's my job to do what we did today and I know what my limit is. I reached it today, so I'm calling a meeting tomorrow," she said. He nodded and reached over to squeeze her hand.
"I know, I know. I'm sorry." He smiled. "I'm not the boss of you." She laughed then and cradled her stomach in her hand again.
"You okay?" Elliot asked, noticing the movement of her hand. She looked down quickly, unaware that she had done that.
"Oh, yeah, just a little cramp," she said. "Nothing big." He immediately got a worried look on his face.
"Liv," he said but she held up a hand.
"I'm a big girl, Elliot. And I'm fine." She smiled at him. He sighed and shook his head.
"I know, I know. Sorry," he said and he patted her knee again. They smiled at each other as they pulled up to the station.
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"Captain, could I talk to you for a minute?" Olivia asked as she knocked on Cragen's door. He nodded.
"Sure, what can I do for you?" He asked and she walked into his office, shutting the door behind her. His eyebrows scrunched together in surprise.
"I was just wondering if I could call a meeting tomorrow morning," she said.
"A meeting?"
"Yeah, with you, John, Fin, Elliot, and myself," she said. "At least."
"What's this about?"
"Actually, I'd rather just… do that tomorrow," she said. He stared at her.
"Everything okay?" He asked. She smiled.
"Yeah, yeah, everything's fine. I'd just rather do it all at once when everyone is here," she said. He nodded.
"Alright, that's fine with me. When you get here in the morning, we'll do that," he said. She smiled.
"Thanks Don," she said. He smiled.
"Sure thing. Now get out of here, you need your rest," he said. She smiled and thanked him.
"See ya tomorrow," she said. He nodded.
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Olivia hailed a cab and climbed inside. She gave the cabbie her address and then sat back in the seat with a wince. She laid her hand on her stomach as the cramps she felt earlier started to escalate. She nibbled her bottom lip worriedly.
When she got home, she pulled off her jacket and threw it aside. She kicked her shoes off and walked to the restroom. She ran a brush through her hair lightly and then unbuckled her belt. She pulled it off and dropped it onto the floor as she thought about the things that sucked about being pregnant. Like not being able to have caffeine. God sometimes she just needed a shot of it to get her going in the morning. Sometimes she felt groggy clear through until lunch and she hated that. She hated feeling sluggish on the job. Then again, the sluggishness could be due to the pregnancy anyway.
She sighed as she sat on the toilet to relieve her bladder. She rolled her head back and rubbed her neck gently. She stretched a little and then reached down for some toilet paper. On the way to reaching for it, her arm froze in midair.
"Oh God," Olivia murmured quietly. There was blood in her underwear. "Oh man," she said softly and rubbed a hand over her face as she just stared at it. She felt her chin start to tremble as tears gathered in her eyes and she had to stop for a moment to gather herself. She reached for the toilet paper and cleaned up, nearly letting out a sob when she saw more blood. She reached for a pad under the cupboard and she slipped it on quickly. She stood up and grabbed her belt, slipping it back on. She had to get to the hospital, she thought, even though she desperately didn't want to do that. But if she wasn't having a miscarriage, she needed to be fixed. If she was, well, she'd rather do it at home alone, but she couldn't risk the fact that maybe it was something else that could be fixed.
After she grabbed her jacket and her purse she stopped for a moment before she opened the door to collect herself. She sent up a quick prayer to the God she didn't believe in before she opened the door quickly and walked out.
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"Stabler," Elliot said as he put his phone to his ear.
"El," he heard Olivia's voice say softly on the other line.
"Liv?" He asked. "You okay?"
"Could you come over to my apartment?" Olivia asked.
"Olivia, what's wrong?" He asked again, his heart starting to pound.
"I need you to come over," she said, her voice stiff and flat.
"Okay, alright. I'll be there as soon as I can," he said and hung up the phone. He reached for his jacket and keys and was out the door just like that.
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Elliot pounded on Olivia's door.
"Liv, it's me, open up!" He exclaimed. He could hear her on the other side so he waited, rather impatiently, for her to open the door. When she did, he was shocked by what he saw. She was wrapped up in a huge sweatshirt and sweatpants with thick socks on her feet and a shawl wrapped around her shoulders.
"Liv?" She stepped aside to let him in. She's like a ghost, he thought to himself. "Olivia, tell me what is wrong," he said and took her shoulders into his hands.
"I… need to sit down," she said. He immediately led her to the couch and sat beside her.
"What is going on?"
"When I got home from work," she paused and stared at him, her face as pale as death and her eyes dark and wide. "There was blood in my underwear," she whispered it. His heart dropped to his stomach.
"Oh, Liv," he murmured and gathered her icy hands up in his.
"I was worried that maybe I was having a miscarriage, but I wasn't sure, ya know? I mean, I've never been pregnant before, so I went to the hospital. 'Cause I thought maybe if I wasn't having a miscarriage, they could fix me up, you know, make the bleeding stop or whatever." She paused and looked down at their bundle of hands. He rubbed them gently, trying to warm them. Her voice lowered to another whisper. "They said that the baby was probably… had probably been dead for a week," she said softly.
"Oh, baby, I'm so sorry," he said and reached for her. She let him hug her, but she was too numb to hug him back.
"The baby was dead for a week, El, and I had no clue," she said and shuddered. "I was a walking grave and I didn't know it. How did I not know? Why didn't I feel something?" She asked, her voice cracking.
"You can't know these things, Liv," he assured her and rubbed a hand down her back.
"I'm a cop, I should have felt the death or something," she muttered. He shook his head and rocked her gently.
"No, Liv, that's not how it works, not with things like this," he murmured and brushed a kiss across her temple.
"Oh God, El, I lost it," she said and suddenly her arms wrapped around him tightly. He held on to her as she let the grief-ridden sobs wrack her body.
Ten minutes later she was asleep in his arms. He wasn't sure what to do. He knew he wasn't going to leave her here alone, but he didn't want to put her in her own bed, either, because when she woke up, he didn't want her to think he had left her alone. He didn't want her to be alone. He shifted slightly, lying her back against the couch. He got up and went into her room. He gathered up a blanket from her bed and walked back to the living room. He lay it gently over her and then settled himself onto the floor. He turned the television on and put it on mute. He could watch the news and the sports without the sound, they usually had enough bulletins running along the bottom for him to figure things out anyway.
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Olivia woke a few hours later on the couch, quite disoriented about what had gone on. She saw the blue flickering of the television against the ceiling, so she turned her head to look at it. She saw the back of Elliot's head leaning against the couch and instantly everything hit her in the gut. The baby, she thought and laid her hand on her empty belly. She squeezed her eyes shut as the tears gathered in them again.
She lay still for a few moments, indulging herself in a silent cry. When she was finished, she sat up and swung her legs over the edge of the couch. The movement and the noise jarred Elliot awake from his light slumber.
"Sorry," Olivia whispered. He looked up at her and the glanced at the clock.
"Must've fallen asleep," he muttered and pulled himself up onto the couch. He reached over to touch her cheek gently with the back of his fingers.
"You okay?" He asked. She smiled slightly and held his hand against her cheek.
"Thank you for coming over," she murmured. He nodded.
"Anytime," he said quietly. She sighed. He reached around and rubbed his hand over her back gently.
"I asked the doctor if I had the miscarriage because of today," she murmured. Elliot listened to her silently. "That's when she told me that it had probably died a week ago… Because it was so small, under developed, she said." She scrubbed her hand over her face. "She said that nothing I could have done could have prevented anything. Sometimes these things just happen for no reason," she repeated the words of her doctor softly. "I was so worried that it was me, the job. After all of your lecturing, I thought for sure that I had fucked up somehow," she said and shook her head.
"You didn't do anything wrong," Elliot murmured. She nodded, but deep down didn't believe it. Her chin trembled.
"I keep thinking that I didn't want it enough, ya know?" Elliot shook his head and pulled her close.
"No, Liv, you're wrong."
"I just… It was an accident, I didn't mean to get pregnant. And I can't honestly say I was enthusiastic about it at first between the job and being a single parent. I mean, I never really thought about having kids because I was never with anyone that long. If I had been, maybe I would've had kids, but with the way my life was going, I didn't expect I would ever have any. And I was fine with that because of the job. There are so many things we see every day and you have to raise your children with those things on your mind. I never had to worry about that on top of the job itself." Olivia wiped a tear away from her cheek as it fell. "Plus, with my parental background, I was never rushing to be a parent anyway," she said with an ironic laugh. Elliot nuzzled her temple slightly and rubbed a hand over her arm.
"But I did want that baby, El," she murmured with a voice thick with tears.
"I know you did," he said quietly.
"God, I don't know what I'm going to do," she said softly. "Ugh, I asked Cragen for a meeting yesterday and in the morning I guess I'll have to follow through." She paused. "What am I going to say?"
"It's up to you," Elliot replied quietly. "You should maybe take a day or two off. Maybe you could just tell Cragen and only him. You can cancel the meeting and if you want, let him know what you were going to say." Olivia shook her head then.
"No… I should just be honest. You know, and Cragen, Munch, and Fin have the right to know. But I don't know if I want to take a day off," she said.
"You know Cragen will send you home," he said.
"Maybe I can just get desk duty," she murmured. "I can't be home alone right now, not doing anything. It will drive me crazy." Elliot nodded and continued to hold her against him. She sighed. "I'm tired," she murmured quietly. Before he could say anything, she continued. "Elliot, would you stay?" She asked and looked up at him. He stared at her for a moment and then he nodded.
"If you want me to," he said.
"I don't want to send you home this late and," she paused, "It'd be nice to know you're here." He smiled and kissed her temple gently.
"No problem, I'll stay on the couch." She smiled.
"Thank you, Elliot. For everything."
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The next morning when Olivia and Elliot walked in to the station, Cragen came out of his office.
"Olivia, I know you wanted," he stopped when Olivia cut him off.
"Yeah, Don, could I have a little pow-wow with you, Elliot, John, and Fin in your office, please?" She asked. He raised his eyebrows slightly.
"Sure, yeah, that's okay." He looked at the three men. They all nodded and shrugged before crowding into Cragen's office. Elliot put a hand on the small of Olivia's back and Fin and Munch raised their eyebrows at each other. They came in together and now Elliot was handling her. It definitely raised Munch's suspicions.
"Sit, Liv," Elliot murmured gently. She sighed at him but took a seat anyway as the three guys stood around her.
"What's up?" Cragen asked. Olivia smiled and looked down at her hands.
"Elliot knows everything that I'm about to tell you," Olivia paused, "But that doesn't make this any easier." Munch raised his eyebrows.
"What?" Fin asked, worried about her now. She sighed and looked up. They were all surprised to find her eyes wet with tears. Elliot stood behind her and massaged her shoulder gently with one hand.
"I did something pretty stupid almost… seven weeks ago," Olivia said. "And when I told Elliot about it three or four weeks ago, he got pissed, so I'm expecting nothing less from you," she said with a half-hearted grin. She didn't see Elliot shake his head behind her in warning to the other men. They understood it for what it was; don't get upset yet, let her finish.
Olivia looked up at all of them. "I went out drinking and picked up a random guy at a bar. I went back to his apartment and I… slept with him," she said quietly and continued to stare at them all. She is so unaware of the strength inside of her, Elliot thought silently to himself. Cragen's brow lifted and he rubbed his hand over the back of his neck. Fin just pursed his lips and waited for her to continue on. Munch looked the most sympathetic, or rather the least upset.
"It happens," Munch said quietly. Her eyes flickered to his and then she smiled slightly and nodded her head once.
"Elliot reminded me of the risks and I'm aware of them, so there's no use going back down that road again," she said and then shrugged. "But that's besides the point. That's not why I asked for this meeting."
"Okay, go on," Cragen said.
"I got pregnant," she said and held up a hand quickly. "Before you say anything, yes, we used a condom. I wasn't that drunk and I'm not that stupid. Apparently it just didn't work."
Fin and Munch just stared and Cragen rubbed his eyes hard with the palm of his hands.
"So," Cragen said. "What do you need?" He dropped his hands to look at her. She smiled sadly.
"There's more."
"More?" Fin asked. She nodded then she lifted her chin strongly.
"Last night I had a miscarriage," she stated simply.
"Oh, man," Fin said and shook his head.
"Olivia," Cragen held out his palm and she knew he meant to comfort her, he just didn't have the words.
"It happens," Munch said quietly again. Olivia nodded and then her chin trembled again. A tear slid down her cheek.
"I asked you for a meeting yesterday, Don, to tell you that I was pregnant. Apparently I jumped the gun," she said with a sad little smile and paused for a moment. "When Elliot and I took that guy down in the alley, I realized that I had to put an end to it. I couldn't risk my child's life anymore. And then I went home… and now I don't have to worry about that anymore," she said quietly and her chin dropped to her chest. She struggled with herself, trying not to cry. "Since I had already called the meeting, I figured I should go through with it and tell you anyway." Elliot kept his hand on her shoulder, hoping to give her some of his strength to go along with hers.
"Olivia, if you need some time off," Cragen started but she looked up and shook her head. She wiped her tears away with her hands and tried her best to smile widely.
"No, I don't. If I go home I'll just drive myself crazy thinking about it. I can't do that right now," she said. He nodded.
"Take it easy today, though, alright?" She nodded, knowing that it was the best she could do. "Desk duty for today," he finished.
"Thanks Don," she said and stood up. Fin came around and hugged her quickly before walking back out into the bullpen. Munch smiled and took her into his arms. She smiled back and he kissed her temple quickly and walked out. She nearly broke down again, just because of these men. Her own little family; her brothers, her father. Cragen came around the desk and took her hands in his.
"I'm glad you told us, Olivia." She smiled. "If you need anything, time off or anything, you let me know, alright?" She nodded and he hugged her quickly.
"Thank you," she said softly. Elliot put his hand on her shoulder and she smiled at him quickly before they left the office. Cragen sat down at his desk and sighed. Olivia has been through so much and it just never ends, he thought. He shook his head and grabbed a piece of licorice to chew on as he thought.
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