Invited: Eratosthenes, Pauline, Strong Bad, and Douglas N. Adams

Camera has a wide shot of a brick house with a white fence in front. Zooms in slowly to the front lawn where a company of four is sitting around a table, eating and drinking unidentifiable (¿edible?) objects. They are currently making small talk and commenting on Douglas Adam's books.

DNA: See, there was a whole philosophy behind Marvin the Paranoid Android's character. I was allowed to make him (does 'quote-unquote' sign) 'alive'.

E: How so?

DNA: Literary license.

E: But do you think it's appropriate to make a non-living, man-created object have feelings, opinions, thoughts…and even the ability to die?

P: Oh, get off it, Eratosthenes. Have you even read the book? Marvin and his personality are an essential part of it. If he wasn't (does 'quote-unquote' sign) 'alive', the story just wouldn't be the same.

E: As a matter of fact, I have read the books…

P: What? How?

E: (looking smug) How are we able to have lunch together? (Pauline looks down at her plate…this is lunch?) The author has literary license. This is a written work of fiction—we were written to have tea together, and I was written to know all about you, and Mr. Adams here. Though, about THAT one (points at Strong Bad, whose eating a bunch of cookies), I know virtually nothing.

SB: What? (Looks startled) How could you not know about ME? I mean, I'm Strong Bad! You're just some old guy with a white beard. Who the crap knows you?

DNA: Are you going to tell me that you've never heard of what Eratosthenes has done?

SB: Yeah. I've never heard of this 'Eratosthenes' person.

(There is a mellow silence for a while, in which Strong Bad eats more cookies, Eratosthenes determines the density of the liquid they were drinking, Douglas Adams examines his fingernails while thinking of what to say next, and Pauline takes a big gulp of something only to find that it tastes unremarkably like something from a Nutri-Matic Drinks Synthesizer, meaning that it tastes something which is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea, and she looks frantically around for something to wash the taste away.)

DNA: Yeah, I've never heard of you either. Exactly what have you done?

E: (pompously) I've only calculated the circumference of the Earth from my library in Alexandria without ever leaving the premises.

DNA: Where your results at all accurate?

E: Of course! Within 100 miles or so…

DNA: (muttering) "or so…"

SB: But how, just HOW, could you possibly determine that before space travel, or even computers?

E: Elementary, my dear Strong Bad!

P: That sounds awfully familiar…

E: (continuing) Where I come from, the time and place, there was a theory that the Earth was, in fact, round, and not flat as so many people believed. In fact, it was that theory that started the rumor that I'm insane…

DNA: And are you? Clearly, that beard says SOMETHING about your sanity.

E: Don't be ridiculous. I like my beard. Besides, I'm a genius, and insanity and intelligence often aren't far apart. I could very well be an eccentric, but that doesn't mean the Earth is not round; it is! But I had barely any proof; except for some I had gotten from Aristotle. Have you ever noticed that when a ship goes further out into the water, it seems to have a (does the 'quote-unquote' sign) 'sinking effect', where the front gradually disappears beneath the horizon, then the middle, and all you can see is the back, as opposed to the whole thing just dropping out of sight. That the one of the first pieces of evidence.

DNA: Well, couldn't the Earth be…what's that shape? I failed geometry, so there's no way I'm going to get this right… it's round, but it has flat surfaces on either side…what is that shape called?

SB: A cone?

DNA: Yeah, that too, but there's one other…

P: A cylinder?

DNA: That's it! A cylinder! (Turning to Eratosthenes) Well? Couldn't the Earth've been a cylinder or a cone?

E: Well, a cylinder, maybe, but not a cone, because then it would've disappeared faster in certain places and stayed in view a bit longer in others. So, in certain places, it could be a cylinder, aside from the fact that the (does the 'quote-unquote' sign) 'sinking effect' occurs everywhere, no matter which direction you go in from land, and a cylinder would've had the ship staying on top of the water in some places, and just dropping off altogether in others, depending which way the ship was traveling in.

P: But how would that help you find the circumference of the Earth? I mean, to find a circumference you need to know the diameter, and you didn't know that…I mean, the Earth's just so big. How far did you need to travel to find all this out?

E: (laughing slightly) a common misconception is that you have to be able to travel a lot in order to figure calculations about the Earth's size or shape. But I did all my research from my library in my hometown.

SB: What the…? That's, like, (does some counting on his boxing gloves), impossible!

DNA: Yeah…that seems pretty unachievable. How could you figure that out by not traveling or ever leaving your library?

E: Well, I suppose that, in a sense, I did leave. I had (does the 'quote-unquote' sign) 'connections' that traveled around Egypt a lot.

SB: Ah-ha! I knew you were cheating somehow!

DNA: Bloody shut up, and let him finish.

E: On one day, my friend noticed that a well had no shadows in it—the sunlight was streaming straight down into it, and there were no shadows anywhere in the town. But, at the same time, where I was a few miles away, there were shadows everywhere. See, that would only occur if the world was round, in a shape such as a sphere. If is was just flat, the shadows would be the same everywhere.

DNA: So, if I do not see shadows on the top of your head, that could mean that your head is, conceivably, flat?

SB: Very corny, F minus minus

E: If the light was shining down directly on top of my head, then you would see no shadows on the top, but the lower half of my face would be covered by them.

P: Ever read the book Prey?

E: No, why?

P: Just a scary thought, but keep going.

E: There were a bunch of numbers too big for (looks disdainfully around) you wouldn't understand, but the general gist of my calculations were, if you measured the angle of a stick in my city, which had shadows, and measured the distance between the two cities, and, assuming that the Earth was a sphere, you would know that all circles have 360º in them…that's all that you need to calculate the circumference.

SB: That's all? Holy crap…

P: Well, what did you do with all that information?

DNA: Hold on, lemme write this down. I might want to use this in a book one day.

E: The angle of the shadow would be the same as the angle between the two cities in the center of the Earth. Okay, lets use symbolic letters for this sort of thing. Say 'a' equals 'angle', 'd' equals 'distance', and 'c' equals the unknown 'circumference' of the Earth.

DNA: I really gotta give it to you, coming up with those kind of letters.

E: Is anyone listening to him?

(There is a slightly uncomfortable silence.)

E: Good. Allow me to continue. The equation I used was a/360 s/c.

P: Wait, why 360 again?
SB: The number of angles in a circle.

DNA: No! That's the circumference of the Earth! (Everyone looks over at him, and he siddles off into oblivion. But only for a second.)

E: No, no! The number of degrees in a circle!

P: Ah. Knew there was a connection somewhere.

E: The degree of the angle was 7º, and the distance between the two cities was 500 miles. So the equation was 7º/360º 500/c.

SB: But what's 'c' equal?

P: (In a sing-song voice.) We don't know that yet…

DNA: That's what we're trying to figure out, right?

E: Exactly. So, after that, I just found the ratio of 7 to 500, and multiplied 360 by the result, and that was what 'c' equaled.

DNA: (copying this down) Wait, so, what was the number you got?

E: (Pausing for a second.) I don't remember right now… Pauline, do you happen to have a calculator on you? (Shakes head) Anyone? Then I can't figure it out right now…but drop me a line when I get back home, and I'll send them to you.

DNA: Sure thing, Eratosthenes!

P: Hmmm…that formula sounds awfully familiar. (Shakes head vigorously) Can't remember where I might of heard the name (does 'quote-unquote' sign) 'Eratosthenes' before…Oh well (shrugs)

(There is a meaningful silence for a while as everyone reflects on Eratosthenes' experiment, then, suddenly, DNA looks around.)

DNA: Say, do we have any tea around here?

SB: Tea? What the crap are you talking about? Just have some of this pie-monade.

P: Wait, I've heard of this before. Tea, the taste of dried leaves boiled in water?

DNA: Er, yes. With milk, if there is any.

P: Squirted out of a cow?

DNA: (Squirming slightly) In a matter of speaking, I suppose…

P: I'm gonna need some help with this one. I'm going into the house to look for backup. (Turning to Eratosthenes) Do you have the keys to your house?

E: (In surprise) MY house?

P: Yes, isn't it yours?

E: (Pausing a minute to ponder this) Honestly?

P: Yes!

E: No.

P: (Turning to the others) Is this house any of yours? (They shake their heads) Then whose is it?

(Enter Homestar Runner)

HR: Hey Strong Bad, I'm in your house.

SB: What the…? Homestar, this is not my house.

HR: Oh. Oh, I see then. Then I will claim it as my own. (Turns around and walks into the front door)

P: I'm gonna see if he has any flavor of dried leaves in that house of his. (Follows him up the walkway.)

SB: Oh, what the crap, Lemme go see if I can steal some stuff. (Strolls up to the house and starts checking windows to see if they're open.)

DNA: Well, that's an odd assortment of froods, eh?

E: (looks around, bewildered) Yes…yes…nothing like I'm used to at home.

DNA: Say, do you want the recipe to a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster?

E: Is it similar to tea?

DNA: Not quite, but better. Some say it's like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick…

(Camera zooms slowly out on that conversation, leaving the viewers wanting to read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy…highly recommended by the author, producer, and by student who wants a good grade.)