Part 18
Keep it together
~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@
I could feel his warm breath on my stomach and I closed my eyes, thinking of the
last time he'd been this close to me. I could feel the warmth of his fingertips
as they touched my skin, framing my navel. He touched the piercing and I felt a
shock course through my body. I still wanted him.
Shaking my head I stepped back abruptly. He didn't want me thhough. "Let's go."
I choked out.
He rose slowly. "Right." he indicated the ring. "It's nice."
"Thanks." I led the way out of the building and hailed a cab. We got in and sat
in near silence.
~~~@
We spent the day as tourists, returning to old habits of insult and retaliation.
I guess it was safer that way. We didn't touch, and the conversation was
carefully chosen it seemed. We talked about various events that had happened to
us over the three years since we'd last talked, but never once did we mention
that night.
I wanted more - so much more as we walked up to LUSH that night.
~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@
Part 19
Entry
Jen walked up to us with Geoff and Steve, her eyes wide at our similar outfits.
She said something to Geoff and he glanced at me sharply. I nodded, feeling bad
that I hadn't told him about Pacey the previous night.
Once they had reached us, Steve shouted out above the roar of the crowd.
"Josephine!"
I grinned. "Steven!" I shouted back, pulling him into a bear hug.
"Let's head in." he said. "Everyone came to wish you well."
I groaned. "Didn't I mention something about small? Because I could have sworn I
mentioned small Steve."
"The club is small. Be thankful you didn't leave us enough time to book T-dome."
Geoff categorized for us.
"You wouldn't dare!" Jen shouted incredulously.
"We certainly tried my darling." Geoff deadpanned. He twirled her around in a
circle. "Don't you look smashing!"
"Don't I always?" she replied flippantly, tossing her long hair over her
shoulders. This was, of course, an accurate description of her outfit. She'd
donned a one-piece black unitard and purple sarong. Her accesories were purple.
She'd worn her amethyst hoops, as well as a clunky but long purple necklace. She
had on a pair of purple platforms and approximately 40 bangle bracelets on each
arm - purple and black of course. Chic as always.
"Is it possible for you to discuss this inside Jo? Because there are plenty of
non-listed types who would love your spots inside and if you really want me to
I'll hand them over."
I turned around to see Mike, the regular bouncer at the door. "We're coming." I
held out my hand and he took it to guide me up the steps.
"New flame Jo?" he asked me - indicating Pacey.
I shook my head woefully. "Old friend."
"You'll fix that." he said, kissing my hand while eyeing Pacey, who was staring
blatantly at the exchange. I laughed as I entered the club to the pounding
beats.
~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@
Part 20
Possible Manipulation
~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@
Does she have to do that to him? She's gyrating like a sex kitten - and it's
killing him. All night she's been picking random guys - and girls - to dance
with as though she's about to jump them right there on the floor! And she's
doing it right in his line of sight so that it will inflict the maximum amount
of pain on him. I watch as she begins a slow grind with the average height
blonde guy she's been dancing with for three songs or so. Come to think of it,
she's mostly danced with him. That's odd. As she moves lower I see what she's
doing, because he turns towards the table. His hair is a little bit shaggy, and
his eyes are a piercing blue. He's just a tad shorter than Joey, and if you
ignore a few key facts, like the one that he's not Dawson, he could be Dawson.
God. She really wants to torture him.
The pain is evident in his eyes as he's dancing with some random girl. Or is she
really all that random? I notice that the girl is quite short, with short blonde
hair and delicate features. Not many curves on that one, which, according to
Dawson, is not usual for him. They turn to the music and I catch the reflection
of her green eyes. I swear sharply. He's fucking doing it too.
"What's wrong Jennifer?" Geoff asks me, obviously having heard me curse.
"Stupid fucking shithead. I'll kill him with my bare hands. Geoff which one of
them started dancing first?" I ask.
"They started at about the same time, why?" he asks.
"With THESE partners you dolt!" I shout angrily.
"She did, but had just discarded her the blond when he grabbed that girl. She
immediately re-grabbed this one and they've been with them ever since." he
explained. I knew he wasn't lying, he was very protective of Jo - with good
reason. The first time they'd met she had barely been able to communicate. It
was when she'd first arrived in New York. Before she contacted me 6 months later
to let me know she was alive. When she was still in pain over Pacey.
"Damn them!" I downed the last of my vodka-coke and slammed down the glass.
"What is wrong with you?" Geoff presses.
I try. "He - she - they - I - OOOH!"
He nods. "Right. Whatever they're doing is obviously evil, even though I don't
really understand why. So help them Jennifer."
"How can I help them when they keep doing THAT????" I ask, indicating the two,
whose eyes were locked in a silent duel as to who could hurt the other the most.
Crap.
"You're working with them, right? And so is another friend of theirs?"
"And?"
"A few missed appointments, some misheard dinner locations, accidentally locking
them in a room together...eventually they'll give in." he explained further.
"This is Jo. Jo who never ever ever gives in. Jo who pierced her navel to prove
to you that she wasn't chicken. Think about it. It won't work."
He shakes his head. "Yes, it will Jen. She wants it to. She wants it to work but
won't do it herself - and if you do it for her she doesn't have to."
I hesitate even as Pacey approaches the table with his dance partner. "What's up
all?" he asks. "This is Candi." he introduces the girl to us.
He has GOT to be kidding. Candi? "Why don't you go dance with Jo?" I suggest.
"CANDI, looks tired."
"Oh, no, I'm - " the girl starts.
"Back off Lindley. Besides, if I even asked Jo she would remove my testicles
with a spoon, and sorry, but I don't think so..." he trails off as Joey
approaches with her Dawson look-alike.
"Is Witter admitting that he doesn't think? By the way, this is Jason."
Jason? Jason? "No Potter, I'm explaining your violent tendencies to your lovely
friends here." Pacey interrupted my thoughts. Candi and Jason moved away,
intimidated, and began dancing with one another on the other side of the dance
floor.
"I'm not violent Witter, I'm defensive." she stated. "And you just cost me my
dance partner."
"Oh poor baby." he deadpanned. "Little Joey scared her partner away." he glanced
over to see Candi with Jason. "Mine too it seems."
"Not my fault Witter, she must have seen your hair."
"Or your fangs."
"STOP IT!" I shouted. "You're friends now, remember?"
They eyed one another warily and nodded. "Do you see what I mean Geoff?" I asked
him.
"They're impossible." he agreed.
I grinned at the two, who were eyeing me evilly. "You know, you're absolutely
right." I say to Geoff cryptically.
"I am?"
"Absolutely."
"Then I'll help" he offers.
"Thanks." I reply, getting a quizzical look from Joey and Pacey alike.
~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@ ~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@
Part 21
The shit hits the fan
Sitting on the plane to LA I couldn't help but worry. How was I going to work
with her? Every time she looks at me with friendship in her eyes it kills me -
literally kills me. But she obviously moved on, because if she hadn't, she
wouldn't have jumped straght to friends. Not if she really loved me. She would
have said friends, for now...or friends, until this is resolved...but not just
friends. No, she wouldn't do that. She has to know how much this is killing me!
I'm completely and totally in love with the female lead in my movie. And she's
opposite my best-friend, her ex-boyfriend, the infamous Dawson Leery. The shit
has certainly hit the fan.
Jen hung up the flight phone and Joey spoke without glancing up from her lines.
"How's Dawson?" she asked.
"Fine." Jen answered simply.
I blinked. "How could you possibly have known she was talking to Dawson? You're
sitting at the back of the plane, supposedly reviewing your lines, and I'm
sitting up here with her - I didn't know who she was talking to, why do you?" I
asked her.
"The only person she would call right now is Dawson. I just assumed."
"And if it had been someone else?" I pressed.
"It wasn't." she stated simply, turning back to her script.
"It could have been. You assume to much Potter."
Her head snapped up, eyes flashing. I knew that would get her. "You don't assume
at all though, so I suppose we balance out fairly well Witter." she smiled
tightly. "Maybe if you used your brain instead of other small organs you
wouldn't have such a hard time picking up on the subtleties of life."
That was low even for her. Of course so was my 'assume' comment. "That must be
your problem." I snapped.
"I firmly hold that it is the men of the world who think with their libidos, not
the women." she smiled.
Jen was rubbing her temples, probably trying to think of a way to shut us up.
"It's been a while for you, hasn't it Jo?"
"Not particularly, but your singe-mindedness on the subject suggest that it has
for you." she deadpanned.
"SHUT UP!" Jen broke in. "Just. Shut. Up. You both know exactly how long it's
been for the other so shut up!"
Joey is obviously floored. Her mouth opens and closes in astonishment. I'm
frozen. I focus on the world moving by at a rapid pace out the window as it
dawns on me that Jen just told Joey that I hadn't made love to anyone since her,
and that Joey hadn't made love to anyone since me. What could have held her
back? Is it possible, even just a little, that she still loves me?
~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@
Part 22
Sinking
~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@
Oh.
My.
God.
He - I -
oh.
my.
god.
I sit in my chair, frozen.
I can't move.
I can't speak.
I think back to that night. It was two days before I found him with Andie.
Only I didn't find him with Andie.
It was the most amazing feeling I've ever had in my life. At that moment, I knew
nothing could ever come between us. I realized in that moment that it didn't
matter what I said, or did, or tried, everything I was was for him - and had
been for a very long time. I haven't been able to be with anyone else since that
night.
I figured he must have.
I thought he was with Andie.
He wasn't with Andie.
He wasn't with anybody.
Oh.
My.
God.
I mouthed the lines to my script as I thought about what to say to him. How
could I even talk to him? Look at him? I was nothing to him.
How can we be friends now? How is it even possible for us to be friends now?
I think back to the feeling of his hands on my skin. He was so gentle, so
loving. Always so loving.
Why couldn't I trust that? Why did I run?
Why couldn't I believe that he would never tear me in two like he did?
Only he didn't.
I did that to myself.
If I had only waited.
I haven't felt whole since that night.
I thought I could again, once I saw him, once I found out what happened.
Except I can't.
I can't ever be whole again.
Because I couldn't bear to hurt him.
Not again.
I hurt him.
I hurt him because I didn't trust that he would never hurt me.
I hurt him.
I can never be forgiven.
I told myself that I couldn't hurt him. That's why I didn't send the letter when
Geoff told me to.
Because it would hurt him.
Even though he had broken me in two, I couldn't hurt him.
But I did.
I couldn't hurt him even though he betrayed all my trust in him.
But he didn't.
And I did.
I hurt him.
I can never be forgiven.
~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@
Keep it together
~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@
I could feel his warm breath on my stomach and I closed my eyes, thinking of the
last time he'd been this close to me. I could feel the warmth of his fingertips
as they touched my skin, framing my navel. He touched the piercing and I felt a
shock course through my body. I still wanted him.
Shaking my head I stepped back abruptly. He didn't want me thhough. "Let's go."
I choked out.
He rose slowly. "Right." he indicated the ring. "It's nice."
"Thanks." I led the way out of the building and hailed a cab. We got in and sat
in near silence.
~~~@
We spent the day as tourists, returning to old habits of insult and retaliation.
I guess it was safer that way. We didn't touch, and the conversation was
carefully chosen it seemed. We talked about various events that had happened to
us over the three years since we'd last talked, but never once did we mention
that night.
I wanted more - so much more as we walked up to LUSH that night.
~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@
Part 19
Entry
Jen walked up to us with Geoff and Steve, her eyes wide at our similar outfits.
She said something to Geoff and he glanced at me sharply. I nodded, feeling bad
that I hadn't told him about Pacey the previous night.
Once they had reached us, Steve shouted out above the roar of the crowd.
"Josephine!"
I grinned. "Steven!" I shouted back, pulling him into a bear hug.
"Let's head in." he said. "Everyone came to wish you well."
I groaned. "Didn't I mention something about small? Because I could have sworn I
mentioned small Steve."
"The club is small. Be thankful you didn't leave us enough time to book T-dome."
Geoff categorized for us.
"You wouldn't dare!" Jen shouted incredulously.
"We certainly tried my darling." Geoff deadpanned. He twirled her around in a
circle. "Don't you look smashing!"
"Don't I always?" she replied flippantly, tossing her long hair over her
shoulders. This was, of course, an accurate description of her outfit. She'd
donned a one-piece black unitard and purple sarong. Her accesories were purple.
She'd worn her amethyst hoops, as well as a clunky but long purple necklace. She
had on a pair of purple platforms and approximately 40 bangle bracelets on each
arm - purple and black of course. Chic as always.
"Is it possible for you to discuss this inside Jo? Because there are plenty of
non-listed types who would love your spots inside and if you really want me to
I'll hand them over."
I turned around to see Mike, the regular bouncer at the door. "We're coming." I
held out my hand and he took it to guide me up the steps.
"New flame Jo?" he asked me - indicating Pacey.
I shook my head woefully. "Old friend."
"You'll fix that." he said, kissing my hand while eyeing Pacey, who was staring
blatantly at the exchange. I laughed as I entered the club to the pounding
beats.
~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@
Part 20
Possible Manipulation
~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@
Does she have to do that to him? She's gyrating like a sex kitten - and it's
killing him. All night she's been picking random guys - and girls - to dance
with as though she's about to jump them right there on the floor! And she's
doing it right in his line of sight so that it will inflict the maximum amount
of pain on him. I watch as she begins a slow grind with the average height
blonde guy she's been dancing with for three songs or so. Come to think of it,
she's mostly danced with him. That's odd. As she moves lower I see what she's
doing, because he turns towards the table. His hair is a little bit shaggy, and
his eyes are a piercing blue. He's just a tad shorter than Joey, and if you
ignore a few key facts, like the one that he's not Dawson, he could be Dawson.
God. She really wants to torture him.
The pain is evident in his eyes as he's dancing with some random girl. Or is she
really all that random? I notice that the girl is quite short, with short blonde
hair and delicate features. Not many curves on that one, which, according to
Dawson, is not usual for him. They turn to the music and I catch the reflection
of her green eyes. I swear sharply. He's fucking doing it too.
"What's wrong Jennifer?" Geoff asks me, obviously having heard me curse.
"Stupid fucking shithead. I'll kill him with my bare hands. Geoff which one of
them started dancing first?" I ask.
"They started at about the same time, why?" he asks.
"With THESE partners you dolt!" I shout angrily.
"She did, but had just discarded her the blond when he grabbed that girl. She
immediately re-grabbed this one and they've been with them ever since." he
explained. I knew he wasn't lying, he was very protective of Jo - with good
reason. The first time they'd met she had barely been able to communicate. It
was when she'd first arrived in New York. Before she contacted me 6 months later
to let me know she was alive. When she was still in pain over Pacey.
"Damn them!" I downed the last of my vodka-coke and slammed down the glass.
"What is wrong with you?" Geoff presses.
I try. "He - she - they - I - OOOH!"
He nods. "Right. Whatever they're doing is obviously evil, even though I don't
really understand why. So help them Jennifer."
"How can I help them when they keep doing THAT????" I ask, indicating the two,
whose eyes were locked in a silent duel as to who could hurt the other the most.
Crap.
"You're working with them, right? And so is another friend of theirs?"
"And?"
"A few missed appointments, some misheard dinner locations, accidentally locking
them in a room together...eventually they'll give in." he explained further.
"This is Jo. Jo who never ever ever gives in. Jo who pierced her navel to prove
to you that she wasn't chicken. Think about it. It won't work."
He shakes his head. "Yes, it will Jen. She wants it to. She wants it to work but
won't do it herself - and if you do it for her she doesn't have to."
I hesitate even as Pacey approaches the table with his dance partner. "What's up
all?" he asks. "This is Candi." he introduces the girl to us.
He has GOT to be kidding. Candi? "Why don't you go dance with Jo?" I suggest.
"CANDI, looks tired."
"Oh, no, I'm - " the girl starts.
"Back off Lindley. Besides, if I even asked Jo she would remove my testicles
with a spoon, and sorry, but I don't think so..." he trails off as Joey
approaches with her Dawson look-alike.
"Is Witter admitting that he doesn't think? By the way, this is Jason."
Jason? Jason? "No Potter, I'm explaining your violent tendencies to your lovely
friends here." Pacey interrupted my thoughts. Candi and Jason moved away,
intimidated, and began dancing with one another on the other side of the dance
floor.
"I'm not violent Witter, I'm defensive." she stated. "And you just cost me my
dance partner."
"Oh poor baby." he deadpanned. "Little Joey scared her partner away." he glanced
over to see Candi with Jason. "Mine too it seems."
"Not my fault Witter, she must have seen your hair."
"Or your fangs."
"STOP IT!" I shouted. "You're friends now, remember?"
They eyed one another warily and nodded. "Do you see what I mean Geoff?" I asked
him.
"They're impossible." he agreed.
I grinned at the two, who were eyeing me evilly. "You know, you're absolutely
right." I say to Geoff cryptically.
"I am?"
"Absolutely."
"Then I'll help" he offers.
"Thanks." I reply, getting a quizzical look from Joey and Pacey alike.
~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@ ~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@
Part 21
The shit hits the fan
Sitting on the plane to LA I couldn't help but worry. How was I going to work
with her? Every time she looks at me with friendship in her eyes it kills me -
literally kills me. But she obviously moved on, because if she hadn't, she
wouldn't have jumped straght to friends. Not if she really loved me. She would
have said friends, for now...or friends, until this is resolved...but not just
friends. No, she wouldn't do that. She has to know how much this is killing me!
I'm completely and totally in love with the female lead in my movie. And she's
opposite my best-friend, her ex-boyfriend, the infamous Dawson Leery. The shit
has certainly hit the fan.
Jen hung up the flight phone and Joey spoke without glancing up from her lines.
"How's Dawson?" she asked.
"Fine." Jen answered simply.
I blinked. "How could you possibly have known she was talking to Dawson? You're
sitting at the back of the plane, supposedly reviewing your lines, and I'm
sitting up here with her - I didn't know who she was talking to, why do you?" I
asked her.
"The only person she would call right now is Dawson. I just assumed."
"And if it had been someone else?" I pressed.
"It wasn't." she stated simply, turning back to her script.
"It could have been. You assume to much Potter."
Her head snapped up, eyes flashing. I knew that would get her. "You don't assume
at all though, so I suppose we balance out fairly well Witter." she smiled
tightly. "Maybe if you used your brain instead of other small organs you
wouldn't have such a hard time picking up on the subtleties of life."
That was low even for her. Of course so was my 'assume' comment. "That must be
your problem." I snapped.
"I firmly hold that it is the men of the world who think with their libidos, not
the women." she smiled.
Jen was rubbing her temples, probably trying to think of a way to shut us up.
"It's been a while for you, hasn't it Jo?"
"Not particularly, but your singe-mindedness on the subject suggest that it has
for you." she deadpanned.
"SHUT UP!" Jen broke in. "Just. Shut. Up. You both know exactly how long it's
been for the other so shut up!"
Joey is obviously floored. Her mouth opens and closes in astonishment. I'm
frozen. I focus on the world moving by at a rapid pace out the window as it
dawns on me that Jen just told Joey that I hadn't made love to anyone since her,
and that Joey hadn't made love to anyone since me. What could have held her
back? Is it possible, even just a little, that she still loves me?
~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@
Part 22
Sinking
~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@
Oh.
My.
God.
He - I -
oh.
my.
god.
I sit in my chair, frozen.
I can't move.
I can't speak.
I think back to that night. It was two days before I found him with Andie.
Only I didn't find him with Andie.
It was the most amazing feeling I've ever had in my life. At that moment, I knew
nothing could ever come between us. I realized in that moment that it didn't
matter what I said, or did, or tried, everything I was was for him - and had
been for a very long time. I haven't been able to be with anyone else since that
night.
I figured he must have.
I thought he was with Andie.
He wasn't with Andie.
He wasn't with anybody.
Oh.
My.
God.
I mouthed the lines to my script as I thought about what to say to him. How
could I even talk to him? Look at him? I was nothing to him.
How can we be friends now? How is it even possible for us to be friends now?
I think back to the feeling of his hands on my skin. He was so gentle, so
loving. Always so loving.
Why couldn't I trust that? Why did I run?
Why couldn't I believe that he would never tear me in two like he did?
Only he didn't.
I did that to myself.
If I had only waited.
I haven't felt whole since that night.
I thought I could again, once I saw him, once I found out what happened.
Except I can't.
I can't ever be whole again.
Because I couldn't bear to hurt him.
Not again.
I hurt him.
I hurt him because I didn't trust that he would never hurt me.
I hurt him.
I can never be forgiven.
I told myself that I couldn't hurt him. That's why I didn't send the letter when
Geoff told me to.
Because it would hurt him.
Even though he had broken me in two, I couldn't hurt him.
But I did.
I couldn't hurt him even though he betrayed all my trust in him.
But he didn't.
And I did.
I hurt him.
I can never be forgiven.
~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@