Disclaimer: I don't own LotR.
A/N: I know this chapter kind of sucks, and I'm sorry
Scene: Everyone is trying to get Aragorn and Merry to shut up (except Pippin, who is egging them on) because they are having a HUMONGOUS argument about who is better: hobbits or humans.
"It is so OBVIOUSLY hobbits," said Merry "HOBBITS destroyed the ring, and the witchking would NEVER have died if not for a Hobbit, Faramir and Eowyn would be dead if not for hobbits…"
"HUMANS!!!!" yelled Aragorn "HUMANS successfully defended Minas Tirith AND Helmsdeep, a HUMAN killed the witchking, a HUMAN at least TRIED to save Boromir…"
"And we see just how well that worked out," muttered Boromir.
"Shut UP Boromir!" yelled Aragorn "Shouldn't you be on my side?!?! Anyway, AS I was saying…"
"They're worse than US," Gimli muttered to Legolas.
"I know. I didn't think that was possible," said Legolas, in a hushed voice.
"Why don't we settle this with a practice full of honor and tradition," said Gandalf. "Whenever the Istari would get into a dispute, we would settle it by…" he paused for effect "THUMBWRESTLING!!"
"NO FAIR!!" yelled Merry "his hands are twice the size of mine!!!"
"Merry," said Aragorn "We should just think of some sort of competition to settle this. How 'bout we sword fight?"
"NO!!!" shrieked Merry
"You should shoot," said Legolas. This idea was greeted with a shout of "NO!!!" from the infamous M&P.
"You could have an EATING COMPITITION!!!" said Pippin.
"All you think about," said Aragorn disgustedly "is food. And no. NO WAY am I foolish enough to involve myself in an eating competition with a HOBBIT!! Merry, you name the competition, and, as long as it is NOT eating, I will compete with, and beat you, at it, just to prove that humans are better than hobbits."
"Okay buddy," said Merry. "I can drink you under the table any day of the week. And there are conditions, too. Winner gets to sing. And loser has to dance to his song."
A couple of hours later, the oversized lime green Prius was parked outside of a pub somewhere in Connecticut with extremely bad lighting and dirty windows. Merry and Aragorn sitting on opposite sides of a table, Eowyn, Faramir, and Boromir are all grouped around Aragorn, while Pippin and Sam are standing with Merry. Legolas, Gimli, and Gabdalf have not picked sides, being neither hobbit nor human, and are seated.
"Nothing better than cheap amusement," muttered Legolas out of the side of his mouth to Gimli and Gandalf.
Gimli and Gandalf nodded their agreement.
"You can take him, dude," said Faramir to Aragorn.
"Yeah, man," said Boromir. "Look how much bigger you are than him!"
"We shouldn't even be worried," said Eowyn "Meaning no offense to Merry, but he's such a little guy, I'm betting it takes eight shots at the most to knock him out cold."
"Ready to watch humans kick some hobbit @$#?" asked Aragorn.
"Yeah man," said Boromir.
On the other side of the table, Sam was saying "Obviously, we have the hobbit metabolism and alcohol tolerance on our side."
"Yeah," said Pippin "that, and you drink more than anyone I know, Merry."
"ME?!?!" snorted Merry. "What about YOU?!?!"
"FOCUS, Merry!" hissed Sam.
Facing eachother, and shaking hands, Aragorn lifted his first shot glass and said "Before we begin, I propose a toast. Here's to Merry, and to me. May the best man win."
"Or hobbit," said Merry, lifting his shot glass.
Five minutes later, Merry and Aragorn both had about twenty empty shot glasses upside down in front of them. Merry was showing no signs of tiring, but Aragorn was shiny with sweat, and shaking.
With trembling, sweaty fingers, Aragorn raised his glass to his lips. He was about to swallow, when he put the glass down decisively.
"Enough." He said "I am going to puke if I have one more drop of alcohol."
Triumphantly throwing his twenty first shot down his throat, Merry crowed "I win!"
"MAAAAN!!" said Faramir, taking out a fistful of money and shoving it at Sam.
"You SELLOUT!" said Boromir disgustedly, throwing his wallet at Pippin.
"I'm sorry, Aragorn," said Eowyn, putting a hand on Aragorns shoulder. Aragorn shook his head.
"GO MERRY!!" screamed Pippin "IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!! WE'RE GONNAPARTY LIKE IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!!"
"Shut UP Pippin!" yelled everyone.
"I don't know what song to sing," said Merry.
"Why don't we think of it on the road. After all, we're SUPPOSED to be rescuing Frodo, not goofing off in some third-rate pub," said Gandalf.
"Good idea," said Gimli. So everyone got up with a scraping of chairs, piled into the Prius, and, with Gandalf driving again, drove off.
Hours later: They are now driving west. I'm not sure what highway they were on, because I have misplaced my road map of the U.S., but I will tell you as soon as I figure it out.
"I feel nauseous," said Aragorn.
"Um, dude," said Boromir "You just drank twenty shots. What do you expect?"
"It's not the alcohol. It's them," said Aragorn, pointing to Merry and Pippin, who were writing in an ominous black notebook.
"I'VE GOT IT!!" yelled Merry suddenly, causing Gandalf to jam on the brakes.
"Got what?" Asked Aragorn incredulously.
"The lyrics!! You have to waltz with Legsy to them!!!"
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!!" yelled Legolas "and I REFUSE TO DANCE WITH ARAGORN!!"
"You are going to dance with Aragorn whether you like it or not," Pippin informed him, cheerful as ever.
"Says who?" enquired Legolas, pulling an arrow on him.
"Says me," said Pippin, pulling a can of whipped cream and an overly large mushroom on Legolas.
"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!" said Legolas "just KEEP AWAY FROM ME WITH THAT MUSHROOM!!!" They pulled over, and Aragorn and Legolas stepped out of the car.
"A-ahem," said Merry. "Here is my song. It's called why the world is cool."
"And incase you couldn't tell, because Merry can't carry a tune," said Pippin, "It's to the tune of 'my favorite things.'"
Trying to stay as far away from each other as it is possible to when you are required to make physical contact with the other person, Legolas and Aragorn began to waltz halfheartedly.
"I WANT TO SEE SOME MORE ENTHUSIASTIC WALTZING!!" Pippin yelled right before Merry began to sing:
to the tune of 'My Favorite Things'
Mushrooms and carrots and ale by the flagon
Singing and dancing down at the green dragon
Fireworks and pipeweed and being a fool,
Are just a few reasons why this world is cool
Hiking, horse riding and being annoying
Attacking Isengard from night until morning
Ripping orcs heads off without any tools
show that this world is incredibly cool
When the bashers bash
When the slashers slash
When the Mary-Sues DROOOOL
I'll remember how I kicked Aragorns butt
And know that this world…
IS COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
As soon as Merry hit the last note, Aragorn and Legolas leapt ten feet away from each other.
"ENOUGH!" said Gandalf "You've finished your stupid bet, now if we could PLEASE get back to rescuing Frodo?"
A/N: I am sorry if I have offended anyone.
To my reviewers:
DiamondTook3: Before I say anything I must say: THANK YOU!!! As always, I appreciate your review greatly. YAH, Pippin save people from getting annihilated!! SQUEE!!
Aeccu: Yeah…Pippin driving…I don't know about you, but I, for one would NOT feel safe with a hobbit driving.
mirielle: Legolas shall NEVER ESCAPE FROM THE FANGIRLS!!!!! NONE OF THEM WILL!!! They are doomed to have rabid fans FOR ALL OF ETERNITY!!!!
The Dark Wanderer: yup. Boromir rocks!!
THECheeseTurkey: Stories where fangirls attack…YAY!!!! Thanks for reviewing, and PLEASE continue to.
SuGaRbAbI513: THANKS!!!!!!!!
You, person reading this right now, whoever you may be, you need to review!!!!!!! Yes, I mean you!!