The Weiss Kreuz Picture Show A Weiss Kreuz fanfiction by laila
Part Six: A Change of Plans
They're mad, Ken thought wearily as he followed Youji down the corridor from a lack of anything else to do. They are all absolutely and completely… utterly mad. Maybe he was going about this the wrong way. Maybe things would be easier if he didn't try to understand but let it all wash over him.
He winced sympathetically as Youji, brandishing a nasty whip, viciously belabored the fleeing figure of Crawford. Crawford tried to dart into the lift cage to get away from Youji, hammering at the down button with considerably less cool than he usually exhibited, but Youji followed him in. Ken, shrugging, went after them on the grounds that he hadn't been told to go away. Yes, they were all absolutely completely and utterly mad. Except Omi.
He wondered where Omi was and what on earth he could say to the boy next time they met up. Oh, hi, yeah I know we only started dating this afternoon but I just wanted to let you know I've already fucked around with Youji behind your back. Not a good start to any relationship – and yes, he still wanted to have a relationship with Omi. He loved Omi. No, that would never work and Omi would kill him and that wasn't a good foundation for a relationship either. What about begging for forgiveness?
Speaking of which… Ken tried to step back as Youji attacked Crawford with that awful whip again only to be incommoded by the lift cage. No doubt Crawford was relieved when the lift stopped and he dashed out, somehow maintaining his balance. Youji ran after him with the whip again.
"Hey, steady on!" Ken protested, feeling it was about time he registered some kind of disapproval.
Youji turned, as if surprised to see him there. "You stay out of this." he said coldly.
"But you're hurting him!" Ken replied indignantly. "What did he do anyway?"
"He let my beautiful creation escape!" Youji cried furiously, then his expression changed to one of the purest despair. "Oh, Aya…" He moaned, and looked as if he were about to burst into tears. "Oh, Aya, Aya, Aya!"
"Okay, okay, I'm sure he'll show up!" Ken said hastily, mortified by Youji's sudden turn for the hammy.
"I was only away for a minute, Master." Crawford finally managed to get a word in edgeways.
Youji now turned to him as if he were surprised to see him there. "Well, see if you can find him on the monitor," he snapped, giving Crawford another cut with the whip.
He missed the look on Crawford's face as the man walked over to the monitor and began flipping through the channels. Ken didn't and thought, oh dear. Now he really wanted to get out of here before someone else ended up dead! Getting caught in the crossfire of a potentially fatal falling-out between master and servant was not his idea of a good night out. Then again, none of this had exactly conformed with his idea of a good night out so far, why should it start now?
"Master, we have a visitor." Crawford said smoothly, stepping away from the monitor.
"What, another one?" Youji asked, giving Ken a critical look, then he smiled. "Are they fuckable?"
He hurried over to the monitor, eyes alight with curiosity. Maybe this visitor would be a hot and sexy woman. Ken followed out of misguided curiosity, doing a double-take as he recognized the figure – or, to be more precise, recognized their outline. Had said individual been in a well-lit room as opposed to skulking around the castle grounds in the gloom, Ken might well not have recognized him. However, by purest chance, the play of light and shade on the newcomer's face almost exactly mimicked that of the back-lighting in Persia's study.
"Hey, isn't that—" What would Persia be doing here, and at this time of night?
"Ah. Not fuckable." Youji interrupted, disappointed. "Pity."
Ken looked at him in surprise. "Haven't you had enough for one night?" he asked.
"Well, now that you mention it…" Youji took a pace toward him, giving him a significant glance.
Ken immediately backed off several paces, hands raised defensively. "Go away."
"Did you say you knew this… person?" Crawford asked, fixing Ken with a sinister glare which was easily the equal of Aya's.
Ken grinned awkwardly. "Well… if that really is Persia, then kind of…" He tailed off, wondering why Crawford and Youji were giving one another such weird glances. Either Youji was eyeing Crawford up or they were getting suspicious for no reason at all. "But it's not what you'd call a friendly relationship! It's more like he has me kill people for him from time to time…"
Okay, that didn't seem to work. Crawford and Youji were now exchanging very significant glances. It probably didn't help that, on the monitor, Persia was looking very sinister and suspicious indeed. Which was considerably more than Ken was doing. He tugged anxiously on his fringe, fidgeting and tried to think. What exactly was going on here? If he'd not known these guys were weird as hell before, this would have confirmed it. Too bad he had done.
"So." Youji said coldly. "Then you came here with a purpose."
"Do I look like I've got any kind of a purpose to you?" Ken asked incredulously.
Crawford smiled coldly. He was alarmingly good at it. "Appearances can be deceptive."
Which just about did it for Ken. "Look, you two! I came here because I needed to use the phone. If you'd let me do that I'd have been out of here hours ago! You guys were the ones who insisted on me sticking around so don't you now blame me for being here!" He folded his arms and seethed quietly to himself, looking quite credibly pissed off.
Youji looked at him suspiciously. "You are either an absolute idiot or a very good actor, Hidaka."
"In which case I'm an absolute idiot, then!" Ken shouted.
Youji decided, once again, to ignore him. He turned back to the screen.
If it was at all possible for a sharply-suited man sitting calmly in a wheelchair to be creeping suspiciously around the place, then that was what the intruder was doing. He had discreetly entered the castle by a conveniently open door and was now poking around in one of the empty rooms, peering around under desks and in waste bins, looking for strange instances of sin. Unlike Youji's previous guests, he seemed to have come prepared. It would have been no surprise to discover that he had bell, book, candle and a drinks bottle full of holy water, not to mention a convenient gun or two, hidden under the natty Black Watch tartan blanket he had spread over his knees.
If anything could have been designed to convince Youji that, in the face of the damning evidence to the contrary commonly known as Ken Hidaka, he was falling victim to a Sinister Conspiracy, Persia's behavior would have been it. He turned from the monitor in medium to high dudgeon, turning to the patiently-waiting figure of Crawford.
"He's in the Group Sex Room."
"You have a Group Sex Room?" Ken asked.
"You're surprised?" Youji asked, raising a wry eyebrow. The look on Ken's face said no, he wasn't in the least surprised. "Good job I thought to have this giant magnet installed. Crawford!"
Obediently, somehow managing to hide the look of quiet disdain on his patrician features, Crawford threw a large lever set into one of the wall panels. Another irritating low hum started up and a bank of lights began winking on one after the other. Oh please, Ken thought, this is just getting stupid now. No, it got stupid several hours ago. They're all completely mad. Where the hell was Omi and why, if Youji was so pissed off to have him round the place, couldn't they just go? Maybe he'd been abducted. Oh, Lord, now Ken really wanted to get out of here and go home!
Youji, meanwhile, was watching the screen. On it, Persia's wheelchair had suddenly gone into overdrive and was now shrieking around the castle, bouncing up and down staircases, rattling and clattering along empty corridors and ricocheting off closed doors. At one point he burst through the open door of Nagi's room, and looped around the clearly bewildered figures of Nagi and Schuldich no less than three times before rattling back out and banging down another flight of steps, jolting Persia from side to side as if he had decided to go joyriding on a pneumatic drill. All the while Persia himself clutched the handrests and mouthed frantic instructions which the chair, of course, utterly ignored, heeding as it was the irresistible call of Youji's Giant Magnet.
Finally, the wheelchair burst through the wall of the laboratory in a great wumph of plaster dust and broken masonry tiles. Ken – who, with his usual unerring luck, had ended up stood almost in front of the new hole – just managed to jump clear before the wheelchair screamed past him and ended up stuck, quivering, to the magnet.
"Persia?" Ken scrambled hastily to his feet, looking the man over. He looked rather different without his back lighting.
By rights the manner of his arrival should have reduced Persia to a quivering wreck, but being a man of not inconsiderable cool he managed to shrug it off. He was, in truth, rather more surprised by Ken's presence. "Ken? What are you doing here?"
Ken shrugged. "I dunno, ask this guy."
Enough of the games, you two." Youji said coldly, utterly ignoring the baffled look Ken shot Persia and the only marginally less confused one he received in return. "You know full well why Ken is here, Persia. It was part of your plan, was it not, that he and that brat of his should check the layout of this castle for you. Why you chose such an absolute idiot to carry out such an important plan I'll never know—"
"Hey!" Ken shouted, affronted.
Persia looked coldly at Youji. "That's because there is no plan…"
Youji, sadly, disregarded them both. He was in full and splendid auto-rant and was not about to allow something as trivial as the truth to stop him now. "Unfortunately for you both, I'm afraid there will have to be a few minor alterations made to your cute little scheme. I'm sure you can find it in yourself to be… flexible, Persia. I know Ken is."
At which Youji gave Ken a look which managed to be both significant, seductive and more pointed than the average echidna. Ken responded by scowling at him. Maybe he was no good at the Death Glare, but scowling was something Ken could do, and do well. This was getting stupid. Did Youji really think he looked as if he'd come here with any kind of plan in mind?
"How many times, there's no bloody plan!" Ken retorted. "And screw flexible, my back's killing me, you bastard!"
Persia simply sat there, regarding the two bickering young men stonily and waiting for them to stop shouting at one another. Ken, recognizing the signs, shut up as soon as he'd seen the look on the man's face; Youji turned to him, surprised. He hadn't been expecting Persia to start with the Pointed Glares too. When he was sure he had everyone's attention, Persia finally broke his stony silence. "I can assure you that Ken's presence here is something I had not anticipated. As he has said, there is no plan. I came here to find Jei."
"Jei?" Ken looked blank.
So did Youji. "Who's Jei?"
"Or Farfarello, as he likes to call himself." Persia elaborated.
"Oh, that guy!" Ken said in surprise, pulling a face. "Well you've had kind of a wasted trip, he's—"
Youji shushed him. "How do you know Farfarello, Persia?"
"I happen to know a great deal about a number of things." Persia said. Oh, don't you just, Ken thought. Far too much for anyone to be at all comfortable in your company. "You see, Farfarello – Jei – happens to be my brother's bodyguard."
Ken blinked. Partly because he was startled, partly because once again he didn't understand what the deal was. Maybe Persia was completely mad as well. "Oh. Who's your brother?"
Someone in the room seemed to have got Persia's drift, though. Someone gave a small, stifled gasp. Youji at first thought it was Ken (there was no way on Earth it could have been Crawford) and turned to him, but Ken was looking at him in a way that more or less said hey Youji, did you give a small startled gasp just now? Not Ken, then, Youji thought. He turned away, trying to work out where the noise was coming from, only to realize – it was the tank.
He hadn't left that thing covered up earlier.
A horrible doubt assailed Youji's mind and he stalked over to the tank. Ken, thinking along much the same lines and no happier about it than Youji was, followed. Before Ken could join him, though, Youji had made to tug the scarlet drapes off the tank. Something, however, wouldn't let him and tugged the drapes from his hand. Youji exchanged a suspicious glance with Ken, for the first time that night in perfect sympathy with him. Just as it seemed Youji was about to have to yell 'I know you're in there', a clearly disheveled Omi peeped up from the tank, clutching the drapes around him and blushing furiously. Aya, looking barely any less tumbled than Omi was, surfaced just next to him, an expression of dignified bemusement on his face.
"Omi?" Ken looked confused.
"Ken-kun!" Omi squeaked, trying to hide beneath the blankets.
"Aya!" Youji sounded scandalized.
"Omi!" Ken yelled, seriously affronted this time.
"Omi?" Persia wheeled himself over.
"Persia!" Omi said in shock.
"Youji." Aya said solemnly, looking rather less serene himself.
"Aya!" Ken shouted.
"Ken." Aya stared him down.
"Aya-kun!" Omi said beseechingly.
"Aya!" Persia got in on the act.
"Persia!" Youji shouted.
"Youji!" Persia retorted.
"Aya!" Youji wailed.
"Youji!" Ken snapped.
"Ken!" Youji turned on him.
"Omi!" Persia had caught on.
"Persia!" Omi cried again.
Crawford, witnessing the confusion with his usual air of glacial calm and holding himself scrupulously aloof from it all, thought they sounded like they were conducting some weird census – or, failing that, like they were all a bunch of idiots. He suspected it was the latter.
"I made you," Youji snapped at Aya, "and I can break you just as easily!"
Aya's expression said he doubted it. Aya's eyes said, where's my katana, let's see if we can prove it. Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough, though I for one am inclined to doubt it. Aya, in fact, managed to Death Glare Youji into looking away from him, though the playboy managed to disguise it quite well as a piqued, disgusted 'I turn my back on you' kind of gesture.
That didn't help Ken and Omi much. They were gazing at one another with frank mistrust, as if they suspected one another's motives, mixed with not an inconsiderable amount of embarrassment. They were, for the record, both blushing. Omi tried to hide beneath the sheets again, extremely conscious of the fact that he was wearing very little and had obviously been Up To No Good for the second time that night. Should he tell Ken he'd seen him having a bout of post-coital depression with Youji in an attempt to mitigate his own guilt somewhat? Ken, meanwhile, was wondering just why Omi had jumped into bed (no not into bed, don't be stupid Ken, that's a tank he's in) with Aya. Perhaps he really was too short.
Schuldich, with impeccable timing, chose that moment to interrupt and thus call an end to the impasse. Stepping through the hole left by the passage of Persia's wheelchair and brandishing a gong, he hit the thing with a resounding boom and stopped all conversation quite neatly in its tracks.
"Oi!" Schuldich called, far louder than was needed. "Dinner."
Youji exchanged a glance with Crawford, then nodded graciously, making a mental note to have a quiet word with Schuldich about the way he addressed him in front of guests. Such a casual tone did not do any credit to his position as Lord of the (oh so dubious, and oh how he loved the dubious) Manor. "Thank you, Schuldich."
"Dinner," Ken said, "at this time of night? What time is it anyway?"
It was a good question – obviously then it wasn't going to be answered. Youji turned to his determinedly unwilling guests. "Persia, you will be able to sample the specialty of the house – roast loin of pork. Under the circumstances," He said, looking meaningfully at the decidedly underdressed Omi and making Ken feel very grateful that he'd managed to find the yukata he was currently wandering about the place in, "I won't expect you to dress."
It gets worse, and worse, and worse. Sat at her desk with an expression of vacant disbelief on her face, Manx would have buried her head in her hands if she hadn't known there was more worse and worse to come and it would be better to save that grandiose gesture of despair for when it was really needed. She was beginning to wonder about these boys. She had never suspected Omi was such a sex kitten. As for Ken, his naïveté was getting alarming. The lights were on but Manx was getting the distinct impression that nobody was home, nor had they been for quite some time. As for Youji, the less said about him the better!
And, as if things hadn't been uncomfortable enough, Manx was now having to watch Persia humiliate himself as well. Poor, poor Persia! She wished there was something she could do for him. Oh well, the sooner she got done, the sooner everything would be over.
"The sharing of food," Manx said, once again grateful that all she was being called upon to do was comment on the situation and she wouldn't be expected to eat any of the… banquet Youji was serving up for his now determinedly freaked out visitors, "has long played an important part in mankind's social rituals. The symbolic repast of the Communion; the last meal of the condemned man, the funeral supper. And now, this meal. However informal the setting, one could be sure there would be little 'bonhomie'."
The meal would later rank as perhaps the most uncomfortable moment of Ken's life (to say nothing of the most utterly, completely disgusting thing he had ever been forced to eat). Connoisseur of the various ways an individual could manage to completely humiliate himself that Ken was, he was quite used to feeling awkward. This meal, however, was something else entirely.
First off, nobody was talking. At all. And, though Youji may have not wanted them to dress up, surely he couldn't have intended there to be this much dressing down going on?
Youji sat at the far end of the table, stern and forbidding as any patriarch, though considerably better dressed and a lot sexier than the image might imply. Sexy or not, he looked dour. Omi, next to him, hadn't even had time to brush his hair and looked uncomfortably like something out of a cathouse. Nagi, opposite Omi, still wore his striped pajamas. He was fidgeting. Schuldich looked entirely too knowing and when Schuldich looked knowing there was trouble brewing. Sometimes he could have wished he could trade his telekinesis for something a little more useful, like Schuldich's telepathy. Next to him Aya sat, still dressed in nothing more than gloves, boots and briefs and looking rather inappropriately severe. Ken himself really missed his jeans and wished his feet weren't bare. Still, thank God for that yukata or he'd be feeling totally stupid about now. Finally Persia, sat opposite Youji at the other end of the table, looked far too respectable, as if he had accidentally wandered in from a different dinner party. His suit and tie rendered him utterly upright and out of place amongst the disreputable disarray of his companions.
Why, Ken wondered, was the table shaped like a coffin? And why were there so many forks? And why was Youji serving up a meal that consisted of meat and celery and nothing else? Ken didn't like the way this was going and judging by his companions' expressions he wasn't the only one.
It was a relief when Crawford and Schuldich appeared, Crawford brandishing a joint of foul-looking meat and Schuldich carrying a carafe of wine. After placing the joint beside Youji, Crawford joined Schuldich in pouring out large glasses of cheap red plonk for all present, as well as liberally spattering the tablecloth with the stuff. It didn't seem to matter. Once that was done, they went to stand either side of Youji, Schuldich now brandishing an alarmingly phallic carving knife, which he had exposed with the fake grin and triumphant flourish of a top-drawer game-show hostess revealing a not-that-terrific prize.
"A toast." Youji said, standing up. "To absent friends." He smiled pointedly.
"Absent friends." His guests murmured awkwardly.
Ken decided he was going to get drunk.
Following that, another uncomfortable silence descended as Schuldich handed Youji the very phallic knife and Youji began to attack the joint, enthusiastically buzz-sawing it into bite-size kibbles. He looked less like a genial host and more like a lumberjack hacking away at some poor, innocent tree. Certainly it appeared he could have done with some safety goggles. Finally though, the plates were distributed, everyone sung a ridiculously awkward rendition of 'Happy Birthday' to the grim-faced Aya, who by the looks of things would have preferred them not to bother, and the meal got underway. It was no surprise by now when it was conducted in an awkward silence. Ken picked at the meat, which to his mind tasted worryingly like Spam, and concentrated on gulping down as much wine as was humanly possible. You got more drunk if you did it on an empty stomach, right?
At last, Persia broke the silence. "We came here to discuss Farfarello."
"Farfarello?" Nagi squeaked.
Youji smirked. "I consider that choice of subject to be in rather poor taste, Persia. Would anyone like some more meat?"
Schuldich grinned madly. Omi paled, clapping his hands over his mouth and looking in wide-eyed dismay down at his plate. For all those who didn't get the import of Youji's comment, Omi's reaction and Schuldich's face-splitting smirk would both by themselves have been clue enough as to what he had been implying. Nagi looked appalled. Persia scrutinized his meat suspiciously. Ken pulled a face and pushed his own plate in the approximate direction of away.
"Oh, that's disgusting!" He exclaimed, wrinkling his nose. "Youji have you ever thought of having your head read? Where the fuck do you get your ideas? And why can't you leave us out of—"
"Excuse me." Nagi cut him off.
Standing, he stepped away from the table, pushed his chair neatly back into place, then walked calmly from the room. Omi looked as if he would have liked to do the same, only at a run. Ken downed the last of the wine in his glass then wiped his mouth. No wonder that meat hadn't tasted quite like pork! Only Persia looked as if he wasn't in the least bit surprised but, being a man of considerable cool, it would have taken a lot to surprise Persia.
"I knew he was in with a bad crowd." He said finally, serenely, rather disappointing Youji who had secretly rather hoped the revelation that he was eating his – what was it? – brother's now determinedly ex-bodyguard would throw Persia off-kilter somewhat. "But it was worse than I imagined. Espers!"
"Persia!" Omi cried.
Ken leant over to look at Youji. "… Is there something you've not been telling us?"
Youji leered at him. "My mental power is my phenomenal sexiness and skill at fucking people."
"That's a mental power?" Ken looked nonplussed.
"Well, it certainly isn't normal, now, is it?" Youji grinned. "Do carry on, Persia… or should I say Shuichi Takatori?" he added with positively poisonous sweetness, leaning forward across the table to gaze a little more closely at the man.
Omi gasped, shocked. Good God, did Youji mean it? His wasn't the most extreme reaction, though. That cane from Aya, who had remained largely quiet, but now suddenly sat bolt upright, grabbed a table knife and held it clenched tightly in one fist. "Takatori…" he muttered under his breath. The knife began to shake. Omi shuffled his chair a little closer to Ken's. Okay, so Aya was pale and cool and very sexy. But he was by the looks of things verging on the psychotic as well. Omi thought he could cope with Ken being rather less pale and cool and sexy under those circumstances.
"I just don't get it…" Ken said vaguely.
Okay, so Ken was also an airhead. But at least he wasn't psychotic. "What are you implying, Youji-kun?" Omi asked, and got menaced by the table knife for his pains.
"That's all right, Omi." Persia said gently.
Omi gazed at him, troubled. "Persia…?"
Persia ignored him, picking up some meat on a fork and regarding it with a pensive, dreamy air. So this was what had become of Farfarello, was it? Perhaps he shouldn't have been surprised…
'Farfie'
Persia:
That boy was designed
To be trouble.
Committing crimes
To see if God cried.
No ifs or buts—
In her study, Manx steepled her hands on the desk in front of her and leant forward earnestly, to deliver her own verdict on the situation.
Manx:
It's quite clear that
He was totally nuts.
Persia:
It's all his fault his mother died.
He tugged a dossier out from under the natty Black Watch tartan blanket, flicking through it to show Farfarello as a surprisingly normal-looking child, various still images of crime scenes, Farfarello as a weird adult leering at the camera in a police mug shot and newspaper cuttings detailing scenes of carnage and mayhem – mainly at churches, convents, seminaries and various other God-related locales.
Persia:
Once he'd lost his mind
All he lived for
Was harming himself,
And killing for kicks.
Torturing God.
Manx:
He was a bloody-minded,
violent sod!
Yes, Manx had shed her air of professional detachment, but in Farfarello's case she felt she was quite within her rights to. There was really no way one could remain objective about, well… a bloody-minded violent sod like Farfarello, was there?
Persia:
Who liked to think his sins were justified.
All:
When Farfie said God was better off dead
You knew he was out of his mind.
When he went to kill nuns
'Cause he found it fun…
Youji:
He was nuts.
Omi:
Weren't he just!
Persia:
Death was kind.
In his bedroom, Nagi knelt in front of his desk, staring wistfully up at – oh, horror! Oh, terror! How could he sleep with the thing without getting screaming nightmares? – a considerably more than life-size portrait of Farfarello posing dramatically with that dreadful extendable spike of his. He had been caught in the act of creating some kind of Farfarello Shrine: the portrait was surrounded by candles and flowers, and two sticks of incense were burning.
Nagi:
His parents tried to trick him,
The poor man was a victim!
He had good cause to sin –
Just look at how his God hurt him!
No matter what he did
Poor Farfie couldn't win.
And he collapsed on his laughably undersized bed, burying his head in the pillow and thinking dark thoughts about anger and grief and, of course, revenge. A furious telekinetic is not a pretty sight. It was to be hoped the castle was well-made.
Persia:
And then he made
His fatal error.
I know 'cause he gave
Me this note which reads
Now Persia produced a note from beneath his Black Watch tartan blanket. Ken, with a complete lack of decorum, tried to tug it down in order to see what was written on it, and when that didn't work he got to his feet and went to stand behind Persia, all-too-obviously reading over his shoulder. The note appeared to have been written with some brown stuff. Chances were that said 'brown stuff' was oxidized blood.
All:
Oh, come on –
He was mad!
Farfarello:
I've gone quite insane
And I'm missing half my brain
It's great news because God hurts when I bleed!
Ha!
Persia refolded the note, his eyes closing momentarily as a mark of respect for the dead. Omi had gone to stand on his other side now, and he traded a glance with Ken over the top of Persia's head. Persia had seen Farfarello, hadn't he?
All:
When Farfie said God was better off dead
You knew he was out of his mind.
When he went to kill nuns
'Cause he found it fun…
Youji:
He was nuts.
Omi:
Weren't he just!
Persia:
Death was kind.
Even Crawford and Schuldich were getting into the swing of things now. Schuldich was looking at Crawford as if he'd kind of like to lead the American into another dance – Crawford was concentrating on everything else in the hope Schuldich would let things lie. All the same, the couple still looked worryingly knowing. As did Youji. As it had already been revealed that dinner was 'long pig' and not genuine pig, why they looked so self-satisfied was… well, it was probably about to be revealed.
All:
When Farfie said God was better off dead
You knew he was out of his mind.
When he went to kill nuns
'Cause he found it fun…
Youji:
He was nuts.
All:
Whoa, whoa, whoa…
Omi:
Weren't he just.
All:
Hey, hey, hey…
Persia:
Death was kind.
All:
Farfie!
And then Youji sprang to his feet and grabbed the ends of the hanging tablecloth like either a pissed-off housewife or a member of the Magic Circle hoping to perform the old 'yank the tablecloth away leaving the cutlery' trick. It was to be hoped it was the pissed-off housewife as, when Youji yanked away the cloth, ninety percent of the dinner service ended up on the floor. However, Youji's aim hadn't been to do a magic trick, so that was all right. He had only been hoping to show his guests what was under the tablecloth.
It was really no wonder the table was coffin-shaped. The table was, in fact, a coffin. A glass coffin. Inside of which were the mortal remains of the late, lamented Farfarello. He was not a salubrious sight. The only way things could have gotten any worse was if he had sprung out of the coffin and pounced on someone. Luckily, he didn't. Even so, it was rather a disgusting thing to be confronted with.
That would be why Youji and the staff had looked so knowing.
Schuldich had obviously been in on the surprise – either that or he was a complete sadist, because he started laughing. It wasn't easy to tell quite which. Crawford allowed his lips to twist upwards in a sardonic smile. Persia quickly wheeled his chair back, allowing himself to look rather ruffled. Ken just stared, or he did for all of a second and a half before Omi screamed and practically flung himself into Aya's arms, clinging to him in a genuine panic.
Which was Omi's Fourth Big Mistake of the night.
"Oh, Aya!" Youji exploded, almost literally too. "How dare you!"
Ken looked as if he'd have quite willingly hit someone. "I knew it! I'm not bloody tall enough am I?!"
Omi looked between Youji and Ken in a panic. Oh, dear. It wasn't his imagination – he had just done something very, very stupid. Now Youji was advancing on him and Aya with a look of murderous fury in his eyes. Ken was in an identically foul mood, all his body language saying that here was someone who had just lost his temper. Ken could get incredibly angry, not to mention horribly rash with it, if he put his mind to it so Omi was, needless to say, more than a little perturbed. He squeaked and tried to duck behind Aya as Youji made to take a swipe at him.
Luckily for Omi, he was spared the consequences of his Fourth Big Mistake by Ken, who made a misstep so immense it made Omi's pale into insignificance.
Before Youji's blow could connect with Omi's cheek, Ken – wondering even as he did so why he was bothering about Omi when Omi certainly didn't seem half that concerned about him – caught his wrist and gave Youji a vicious right to the jaw. A punch which, unlike Youji's own, did connect. Which, needless to say, even if he had been in the mood to hit someone and do it hard, was A Very, Very Bad Move.
Youji turned. He had obviously been taking lessons from Aya and Crawford, because affixed to his face was the nastiest Death Glare he had ever managed in his life. It suggested that he had seen Ken's future and it was both short and nasty. Never mind Omi jumping his beautiful Aya. That could wait. Youji had just been cracked around the jaw by Ken (who had been getting on his nerves anyway) and it hurt. That might well leave a bruise, dammit! How could he be gorgeous and sexy with a badly bruised cheek? Oh, Youji was not a happy man. Not one little bit of it…
Ken did the only thing he could think of to do under the circumstances. He ran for it.
Youji, naturally, followed Ken as he ran from the room, nearly getting clocked by the dining room door as Ken slammed it in his face, hoping only to slow him down. Cursing, Youji stalked on through, breaking into a run himself as soon as he reached the corridor. Crawford and Schuldich exchanged glances as dinner descended into a ludicrous, inexplicable game of Chase – Schuldich's baffled, Crawford's not a bit surprised. He'd known this was going to happen.
Omi, meanwhile, looked up at Aya in confusion. What was going on?
'Try Again, Ken'
Ken could have told them what was going on. He was being chased down a corridor by Youji, to what end had had absolutely no idea, and he didn't like it one little bit.
Youji:
I'll tell you once
But not thereafter
You'd better shut up,
Ken Hidaka.
Ken slipped and tried to right himself, allowing Youji an opening, and the chance to back him up against one of the banisters, molestation on his mind. Ken disputed Youji's right to do this by trying to nail the man where it would hurt most. The blow landed less than an inch short of home base – an unlucky miss, that – but it distracted Youji for long enough to allow Ken to break free.
Youji:
You sure could do
With being smarter.
You'd better shut up,
Ken Hidaka.
May I enquire
If you can spell 'desire'?
Omi grabbed Persia's wheelchair and, giving it a hard shove, took off after them. What was going on? He'd slept with Aya and it was Ken Youji was nuts with? Something, Omi thought, isn't right here!
Youji:
I know for sure
You're way too pure
And too old for it to be appealing
Do you understand
A single thing?
Ken found the laboratory door. Ken had problems with the laboratory door. The bloody thing wouldn't open! He glanced back over his shoulder and wished he hadn't when Youji loomed up all of a meter away. Youji smirked and reached out with one hand, trapping Ken against the wood. Rather less intelligently, he also grabbed the door handle. The inevitable happened: the door opened and they both lost their balance, landing on the floor in an undignified sprawl. Frantic, desperate to get out of his second Far Too Compromising Position of the night, Ken struggled out from beneath the slightly dazed Youji and made a break for it. Youji jumped up and ran after him, slamming the door in Persia's face.
Youji:
Don't lose your head
Obey your master.
You'd better shut up,
Ken Hidaka.
They'd ended up on the laboratory balcony. Ken saved himself a bit of time and trouble by ignoring the ramp down, running for the rail and leaping over it, landing neatly on the floor. Youji, unfortunately, followed him, stalking over to his wall control panel. Omi, meanwhile, was doing things the easy way. He and Persia had taken the lift.
Youji:
Don't you protest –
You need a rest.
Omi and Persia had barely left the lift before Youji threw another lever on his control panel, with the bizarre consequence that both of them ended up stuck to the floor. And Ken, a few feet away, likewise.
They say you should always be prepared for every eventuality. Youji, it seemed, had adopted this as his maxim. Any man who could think to install a Selective Floor Sticking Device as well as a honeymoon suite and a giant magnet into his laboratory was taking preparedness to absolutely ridiculous heights.
"What the fuck—" Ken had discovered the problem.
Omi looked around himself quickly, trying to work out what was happening. "I can't move…!" He said in amazement. "Youji-kun, what have you done?" And have you done all this to other people before? If so, how many times? Next to him, Persia shoved at the wheels of his chair, unable to budge them an inch in either direction.
Crawford and Schuldich appeared on the balcony above them, watching the scene with mild interest. Aya had made it about halfway down the ramp and was reclining against the wall. He wasn't about to ask what Youji thought he was doing but all the same, what did Youji think he was doing? It didn't make any sense to Aya. It didn't make any more sense to Ken but he, as was his way, was considerably more vocal about it.
"I'm probably going to regret asking this," Ken said wearily, "but what the hell's going on!" His last five words were delivered at a shout.
Youji smiled easily. "That was my sonic transducer." He explained. "Like it, Kenken?"
"It's very interesting." Omi said earnestly. "How does it work? I would have thought that kind of thing would be impossible to build—"
Persia held one hand up as if calling for silence. Now the initial shock of being literally glued to the spot had passed off, he was back to looking remarkably serene. "Perhaps now isn't the time to ask, Omi." He said quietly.
"Isn't it enough that we're trapped?" Ken demanded. Youji, lounging by the control panel, smirked at him and it suddenly occurred to Ken that they'd all been pretty damn stuck already without being literally stuck to the floor. "Okay. More trapped, then…"
Youji:
You know perhaps
It's for the best
'Cause left alone
You're a disaster.
Ken:
Hey!
Persia had been thinking. Like Ken, he was wondering what was going on. Unlike Ken, he had been trying to think about it as opposed to demanding to know what was going on and getting ignored for his pains. As he watched Youji out of the corner of his eye, the playboy walked languorously across the floor and climbed the ladder to the tank, striking another casually seductive pose.
Ken looked rather pointedly at Omi and determined to ignore Youji. He'd apologize profusely to the boy for cheating on him and he'd try. Sexy Youji may have been but there was one major drawback to him. The man was a maniac!
"You won't find non-psis quite the easy mark you're expecting, Youji." Persia said, looking sternly at the lounging blonde. "This sonic transducer – it is, I suppose, some kind of audio-vibratory physiomolecular transport device…"
Omi looked taken aback. Not so Ken. He had been lost all evening and this conversation was only making him loster. "Huh? Could you run that by me one more time? Audio what?"
"I wouldn't strain your brain worrying about it, Kenken." Youji said easily. "But perhaps you should have paid more attention in science class."
"Science class, hell!" Ken shouted. "It doesn't make any sense! And stop fucking calling me that!"
Up on the balcony, Schuldich grinned hugely. "Sounds like a sex aid to me." He gave Crawford a quick grope which the man managed to ignore almost completely, gently but firmly removing Schuldich's hand from his backside and giving him a light slap on the wrist.
"Not now, Schuldich."
"How so?" Youji asked, but light dawned almost immediately. "Oh, the audio-vibratory bit. With you."
"So it's a sex toy?" Ken asked.
"No it is not a sex toy Ken-kun!" Omi cried, blushing furiously. He supposed he couldn't blame Ken for not keeping up with scientific breakthroughs given that he was far more interested in soccer but dear God this was getting embarrassing! Wasn't it obvious that Persia wasn't talking about a marital aid? "It's a device which is capable of breaking down solid matter and projecting it through both space and time, if it's made right!"
Ken blinked. "That's not some kind of a death ray, is it?"
Youji smirked, leaping elegantly from his perch on the ladder and jumping over to his captive audience, closing in on Ken. Standing behind him, he grabbed him round the waist. Ken flinched and tried, almost instinctively, to pull away but the Sonic Selective Floor Sticker rendered it impossible.
Youji:
Try.
Again.
Ken.
You'd better shut up,
Ken Hidaka.
You'd better shut up
Or you'll fuck up.
You'd better shut up.
Youji had progressed from holding Ken's waist to a kind of junior molestment. Ken wasn't at all happy about this and was struggling to make Youji let him go without overbalancing in the process. No easy task when the guy was right behind him and he had somehow ended up stuck to the floor. Omi, too, was beginning to get annoyed. He nearly pitched himself over in trying to get over to Youji.
Manx:
Then he shouts out—
Ken:
Stop!
He punctuated the cry, one of purest frustration, by, finally, managing to grab a hank of Youji's hair and give it a vicious wrench. Vexed, Youji pried his hand off and staggered back, out of Ken's range— Not the hair! Omi had to bite back a cry of relief. That was more like it, Ken-kun!
Youji:
You're acting kinda crazy –
Better cool it, baby.
Omi:
Youji Kudou,
Think you're having a
Real big problem.
Your mind's gone.
Crawford and Schuldich had meandered down to ground level by now. At Youji's signal, Schuldich hurried over to the control panel and yet another convenient lever. This one controlled the Medusa Ray. A single tug and the furious Omi was, somehow, turned into a statue. A naked statue. Youji's operation added a whole new meaning to the phrase 'preparedness'.
Persia:
Youji Kudou,
Think you're having a
Real big problem.
Your mind's gone.
Youji frowned. This was getting to be a bit too much. He gestured to Schuldich again and Persia, in scolding pose, was also transformed into a naked statue. Complete with stone glasses, stone Black Watch tartan blanket and stone wheelchair. Which left Ken, who was by now obviously on edge.
Ken:
Youji Kudou—
All things considered, Ken was probably rather relieved to be turned into a naked statue too.
Youji sighed, leaning wearily against the wall. He felt, after all that, as if he needed a break. That, sadly, wasn't about to be granted to him. Down the ramp, past the quietly censorious figure of Aya, who had watched the entire confrontation in mute disapproval, came Nagi in his striped pajamas, dead set on a confrontation. He looked about as furious as Youji thought he'd ever seen him, which admittedly wasn't saying much, but all the same he did seem decidedly teed-off.
"Youji." Nagi said, stopping short at the foot of the ramp.
"Oh, hi Nagi." Youji said wearily. "What is it?"
Nagi turned away from him, evading his eyes. "I've had enough," he said calmly. "Look at this." He gestured at the laboratory, a single expansive gesture taking in the whole sorry scene – the statues, the sternly disapproving Aya, so still he might as well have been a statue himself, Crawford and Schuldich by the control panel, Youji himself. "Is this any way to live your life? This is excessive. And you're only doing this because you can. Is that why you killed Farfarello? Well I'm tired of it, Youji. You're never satisfied with anyone, are you? Me, Farfarello, Aya over there… even that weird couple who showed up tonight. Why can't you make a choice and stick with it instead of messing around with everyone? I don't want any part in this any more. From now on you can count me out!"
"Nagi?" Youji said quietly. "Do shut up, there's a good boy."
And, stalking over to the control panel, he shoved Schuldich away from the Medusa Ray control and turned Nagi into another naked sculpture. Raising his eyes to Aya's, he frowned deeply when the redhead looked away, folding his arms. The gesture said he, too, wanted no part in any of this, that he thought it was all stupid and he'd be out of here just as soon as he found his katana. Oh, and a coat. Scowling, Youji turned him into a naked statue out of sheer spite. If Aya was going to be like that, he could just be made of stone and nude for a while. He'd soon change his tune!
Crawford and Schuldich gently but firmly pried Youji away from the lever after that. They had no wish to become naked statues as well.
Author's note: I know. This last song should have been about Omi. But you try fitting 'Omi Tsukiyono' into the space intended to fit 'Janet Weiss', never mind rhyming it. It's a complete wash! Hence Ken.