Disclaimer: ZIP-A DEE DOO DA, ZIP-A-DEE-AY, I DON'T OWN LOTR ANYWAY, PLENTY OF SUNSHINE, HEADIN' MY WAY, ZIP-A-DEE DOO DA, ZIP-A-DEE-AY.
Disclaimer #2: I don't own any of the songs I mention in this chapter, either
A/N: In this chapter, they all read fanfics (naturally, pandemonium ensues). As I wrote it, it became hard for me to tell the difference between the fic I was writing, and the fics they were reading, so I italicized all of the fics they were reading. And I probably just confused you even more, so I'm sorry.
Galadriels Prophecy: One of these days, Pippin is going to drive all of you 'round the bend.
Everyone but Boromir is asleep. Boromir is driving. If a hobbit can drive so can a ghost. They are now driving west on 84, and have just crossed the border into New York state.
Merry and Pippin's heads popped out of their sleeping bags at exactly the same moment.
"Time to get breakfast!" Pippin crowed.
"NO." said Boromir.
Pippin pulled an aluminum bat out of his duffel bag.
"So, we've upgraded our weapons, I see," said Boromir, without taking his eyes off of the road.
"Don't make me…" Pippin said.
"Make you what?" asked Boromir, in the same bored monotone.
"…Whack you in the head very, very hard," Pippin finished lamely.
"I'm not afraid of your stupid baseball bat," said Boromir. "Cause incase you hadn't noticed I'm a ghost. That bat would go right through me."
Pippin flopped back down on his sleeping bag and pouted. There was a stirring sound from the back, and Legolas's head emerged out from under his dark blue blanket which proclaimed, in large, swirling green font "I survived…killing a giant spider in Mirkwood."
"Idea," he said.
"What?" asked Boromir.
"I think we have three laptops between us, so if there were three of us to a laptop, Plus one person driving, we could research LotR fandoms and see if we could figure out where the fangirls headquarters are!"
"Dude," said Boromir "Why the HELL would you want to go there?"
"Cause we're rescuing Frodo from them!"
"Why does no one tell me these things?" Asked Boromir.
"WAKE UP EVERYONE!!!!" yelled Pippin. "We're going to find Frodo through the internet!!!!!"
"!@#$$%^%^&****()()**^_%+#_%+^!" yelled everyone.
Minutes later: Pippen, Sam and Merry have Gandalf's laptop, Gandalf, Eowyn, and Boromir have Aragorn's laptop, and Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn have Legolas's laptop. Faramir is driving.
"!@#$," said Legolas "My internet access is down."
"That can be easily remedied," said Gandalf, raising his staff.
"NO!!!" Yelled Legolas.
BAM. A cloud of sparkly magenta smoke that smelled of cheese enveloped Legolas's Laptop, as well as Legolas's head.
"I HATE YOU GANDALF!!!!" yelled the coughing Legolas as the smoke thinned, and it became clear that the laptop now had internet access, as well as a large picture of J-Lo's head on the desktop, and was magenta.
"Calm down," said Gimli "Could be worse." He glanced at the picture of J-Lo. "A lot worse."
"Gimli, you perv!!!!" screamed Legolas, attempting to hit him over the head with the laptop.
"HEY!!" screamed Gimli "NO!!! OWOWOWOWOWOW!!!! I DIDN'T MEAN THAT THE WAY IT SOUNDED!!!!! I WAS NOT REFERING TO J-LO!!!! I DON'T EVEN LIKE HER!!!!"
Legolas stopped whacking Gimli with the laptop.
"For me to like her," said Gimli, "She'd have to be over two thousand years old, tall, and have a deeper voice and pointy ears."
"EWWWW!!!!" screamed Legolas "STAY AWAY FROM ME, YOU PERV!!!!"
He started whacking Gimli again.
"NO!!!" yelled Gimli "I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT YOU, I WAS TALKING ABOUT GALADRIEL!!!!!"
Muttering darkly to himself about what the state of his mental health would be once the trip was over, Legolas began searching google for various fandoms that he thought would be helpful.
For a full fifteen minutes, all was silent except for the occasional "Click on that link will you?" and "No, that's not helpful."
Suddenly, there was a very quiet, but extremely traumatized "ewwwwwwwww," from Sam.
"What's wrong, Sam?" asked Aragorn.
"Ewwwww."
"Frodo and Sam were making out in Mordor!" sang Pippin.
"WE WERE NOT!!!" Yelled Sam.
"Let me read you a little excerpt," said Pippin. "'Frodo," said Sam, tears on his face "I think…this is the end…and…if it is…I wanted you to know…I love you.' 'Oh Sam,' said Frodo, smiling sadly 'I love you too. I always have.' And there, even as the world seemed to be ending around them, the two hobbit's lips met…"
"NOOOOOO!!!!!!" screamed Sam "NOT TRUE!!!! NOT TRUE!!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!! MAKE HIM STOP!!!! LALALALALA!!!! I DON'T HEAR YOU, PIPPIN!!!!! LALALALA!!!!! O-OH SAY CAN YOU SEEEEEEEEE…."
"AND," said Pippin "Let me read you a pleasent little Mary-Sue!!"
"NOOOOO!!" yelled Legolas.
"Elwing was the younger sister of Arwen, and, though there was no ill will between Arwen and Elwing, her elder sister had won everything she had ever desired, and Elwing had never won anything that she desired. But this was all to change, one fateful day, when Elwing won the one thing that she had always desired. And it was that one thing that Elwing prized above all others. This one thing was the love of Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood.
It had begun one day when Elwing stood on the bridge overlooking the peaceful river that flowed gently by Rivendell, looking wistfully at the fading Rivendell, and remembering the golden age of the elves, when Rivendell had been bright, golden, and beautiful.
'Milady?' said a quiet, soothing, deep voice behind her.
Elwing turned to see Legolas standing beside her. 'My lord,' she said, breathlessly.
'It grows dark. You should not linger out here.'
'I am in no danger here,' she said. Even as she spoke, Legolas gently put a hand on her shoulder, and she trembled, a shudder visibly shaking her slender frame.
'Milady, you are cold,' said the handsome and chivalrous elf, draping his cloak around her shoulders.'
'It is not the cold that makes me tremble,' she said, and with that, walked gracefully back up to her fathers house. Legolas stared after her, stunned by the Ladies great beauty and grace.
Upon the dawning of the next day, Legolas knocked on the Ladies door, and upon entering, discovered that she was making ready to leave.
'where are you going, milady?' he asked.
'I am coming with you, and the Fellowship,' she said.
'The road is dangerous, and rough,' said Legolas. 'I would fear for your safety, should you come with us.'
'Shhhh," she said gently, silencing him with a kiss…"
"I HATE YOU, PIPPIN!!!!" Screamed Legolas at the top of his lungs, putting his fingers in his ears. "ZIP-A-DEE-DOO-DA, ZIP-A-DEE-AY, MY, OH MY-Y WHAT A WONDERFUL DAYYYY…"
"AND," said Pippin "an AU where Boromir gets the ring!"
"Thank you SO much for bringing up such a painful subject, Pippin," said Boromir, before he stuffed his fingers in his ears and began bellowing "ROOOOOOXANNE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT ON THAT RED LIGHT, ROOOOOXANNE…"
Hours, and an AU where Faramir died, and Eowyn fell in love with Boromir, a Legolas/Aragorn slash, an Aragorn/Boromir slash, three Mary-Sues, a Legolas/Gimli slash, an AU where everyone died, a bash, a parody, and a Merry/Pippin slash (read by Aragorn, to get revenge on Pippin) later: Sam was still yelling out "the star spangled banner," Legolas was still screaming out "Song of the South" (aka "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Da), Boromir was still bellowing "Roxanne," Faramir had begun singing the Gondorian national anthem at the top of his lungs, Eowyn was screaming "respect," Aragorn was yelling out "smells like teen spirit," Gimli had begun some dwarvish chant that sounded suspiciously like "the Real Slim Shady," translated into dwarvish, and Merry and Pippin had begun screaming "jingle bells," and the end result was a medley that sounded more awful than I care to announce. And Gandalf, the only person in the car who had managed to retain any semblance of sanity, was driving.
"EVERYONE SHUT UP!" Gandalf roared suddenly. Everyone went silent, and heard the shrill, ecstatic screams that could mean only one thing.
"AAAAHHHHH!" screamed all of the young/cute males in the car.
To my reviewers:
Mirielle: Quite right, they will never escape.
Pippin: starts running
Me: chases Pippin. There is a loud crash, and I return, dragging Pippin by the hem of his Lorien cloak. No, they never do learn.
DiamondTook3: GO HOBBITS!!!!! Ahem.
Galadriel-in-disguise: ARAGORN ABUSE?!?! BAH HUMBUG ARAGORN ABUSE!!!!! Who's fic was it that he was dressed in CHEERLEADER DUDS IN? Who said he likes Britany Spears, HMMM? All I know is that it certainly wasn't ME! Sorry. And I would agree that Thomas Jefferson was a hypocritical idealist. And Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton, and THAT STUPID TEXT BOOK RUINED THE SMALL AMOUT OF EMPATHY I HAD FOR HIM (Alexander Hamilton) BY PATRONIZING ME!!!!!!
Galadriel-in-disguise: Cheese is good. So is hyperness.
The Dark Wanderer: Ah yes…poor, poor Aragorn. I was in a Cassius-like (evil) mood the day I wrote that…
rgdsg: I know that I misspelled Pippin's name for the first few chapters. Sorry, folks.
Eowyn: You're trying to tell me that Merry and Pippin weren't friends? That's like saying 'Sam was Frodo's gardener, not his friend.' I realize that they were cousins, but they were also friends.
Aeccu: Is Frodo lucky…or isn't he? Maniacal cackle. Don't worry, if anything bad happens to Frodo, I will let everyone know.
TheHappyReader: THANK YOU!!!!
REVIEW, PLEASE!!!!