[part 45...]
Great. This is just fabulous. What were Jen and Dawson thinking? She doesn't want this. She doesn't want to talk to me.
Joey continues to pound on the door. "Joey." I say firmly. "It's been an hour. They're not letting us out until they're good and ready to do so. In fact, I'd lay money on the fact that they're not even out there any more."
She stops, and turns. "That's not the point Pacey." She whispers.
"No, the point is that they've locked us in here to talk, and all you want to do is run."
She averts her eyes, and I regret my words. "It's not that simple Pace. You know it's not that simple."
"Why? Why can't it be that simple?" I started this, I might as well play it out. "Joey, I know I wasn't going to come to you. You weren't going to come to me. We're both way to stubborn for that and our friends know it. So they took the step for us. Let's just do this so that we can move forward." I refuse to say move on. I'll never move on.
"I can't do this Pacey."
"Why not?" I cross the room and stand next to her. "I'm not asking for a lifelong truce Potter. I just want to know why you brought up that conversation a month ago and then all but cut me out of your life again."
She closes her eyes. "Because you had to know. You had to know how hurt I was. You had to know that I was moving beyond that hurt." Her eyes meet mine. "I wasn't ready to go any farther than letting you know that I was going to be okay. I'm still not." She pushes past me and sits on one of the chairs.
"Jo, that's an explanation of why you've been avoiding me, not one about why you brought up a conversation we had three years ago in the middle of a scene."
"I know."
"So why won't you just talk to me?"
She closes her eyes. "Because I'm scared." She whispers. "I'm terrified of you Pacey Witter. I always have been. The way I feel when I'm near you, it absolutely frightens me. I don't know you anymore Pace, and that scares me more than you'll ever understand."
"You don't know me?" I ask her incredulously. "Jesus Jo! You're avoiding me because you think you don't know me? Just ask. All you ever have to do is ask." I sit down across from her. "For you, I'm an open book."
"You can't just do that Pacey. You can't just tell me that you're an open book. It's not that easy."
"Yes. It is. For us, it is. You know it as well as I do. Just ask, and I'll tell you."
She closes her eyes. "Okay then. I want to know everything. From day one, I want to know it all. I want to know you again Pace. Really know you, and be your friend. I don't want to just say I'm your friend and then avoid you."
Everything. Okay. I'm guessing that doesn't include the fact that every single action I've taken, every decision I've made, has been motivated by the fact that I'm in love with you and want you to be proud of me? Sure. I'll just make sure to gloss over that part then.
"I guess I should start in Capeside then." I pause, and she nods. "Needless to say I was wrecked after you left, but let's skip that for –
"No."
"Excuse me?"
"Don't skip it. I need to hear it."
I nod slowly. "I was wrecked, and convinced that you would come back to me. I waited on the boat all summer, knowing that when, not if, you came back, that was where you would go first to find me. I decided not to go to LA, in case you came back and I missed you. I didn't want to miss you coming back. The day the plane was scheduled to leave, Dougie and Dawson showed up and physically dragged me to the airport. They put me on the plane and tied me to the seat."
"I am so sorry. I should have stayed." She whispers.
"We've covered this Jo. You were hurting; you thought I had betrayed you. You didn't know. And I forgave you."
"I know, but that doesn't mean..."
"Yes, it does. Yeah, I hurt, but you're here now, and we're talking, so it's okay."
She nods, and then smiles a bit. "So they tied you up and shipped you out?"
I smile back. "Funny Potter. Do you want to hear this or not?"
She clamps her mouth shut dramatically and pretends to lock it with a key. She then throws the 'key' at my head. "Hey!"
She waves me on with her hand, smiling a bit more.
Great. She's being cute. She's not supposed to be cute when she's ripping my heart out by telling me she wants to be my friend. "Anyways, Dawson and I got to school, and found out they somehow managed to delete our housing request. We got an apartment, that we incidentally couldn't afford, and paid for it by modeling." I glance at her and realize she's convulsing with silent laughter. "Dawson already told you about the modeling didn't he?" I ask her.
She nods, and the laughter goes from silent to loud. "I'm sorry, I just – you – strutting – runway – "
Laugh it up Jo. Let's see you laugh at this. "Are you saying I'm not enough of a sex symbol to be a model?"
She stops laughing and looks at me sharply, and there's something in her eyes, something deep, that gives me hope. "Of course not, it's just..." she breaks and starts to laugh again. "We were eight – and I wanted to be a men's clothes designer and you and Dawson were my models..." she trails off.
My eyes go wide. "You had me wear your sister's clothes!" I say, joining her laughter.
We laugh about that for a while. "Moving on then." I say carefully, and she nods her assent. "So we were models, and I hated it. I'm guessing in hindsight it was the traumatic childhood experiences with the trade. I focused on school, and graduated at the top of my class. Regency-Alliance gave me a five film contract with one of the films being one that I either wrote or chose. A prime contract for a beginner, but they loved my graduate film."
"Changes." She says softly.
"So I thought, but they loved it so much they wanted the rights. I sold it to them for a large sum of money, that I'm not allowed to disclose, and they told me to choose another one. So I did."
"That's it? Modeling and Movies?"
"And basketball. Every year, except this year, Dawson, Drai and I have gotten season tickets to the Lakers."
"And you're missing a game because of me."
"Yeah, but this was probably more important."
She smiles. "How is it that you just forgive me?"
"I just do."
She looks away. "It's not supposed to be that simple." She says softly.
I take her face in my hands and force her to meet my eyes. "It is that simple Jo. I forgive you."
"Why? I took your life away Pacey."
"No, you didn't." I pause to form my response. "No, I wasn't the life of the party. But I got my act together Joey. I coasted my way through high school; I know that. I barely made it into that film school, and point of fact, the only reason they took me is because Dawson refused to go without me. But when I got there Jo..." I stop.
"What?" she presses.
"I did it for you." I whisper. "I worked my ass off to impress you Josephine Potter, even if I denied I was doing it most of the time."
"You should have gone to the game tonight Pace." She whispers, letting the tears fall down her face.
"I'm right where I should be Jo. But this isn't a one way road." I tell her, pulling away a bit. "I want to hear about you too."
[part 46...]
"Me?" I ask carefully. He is me. He'll always be me.
"Fair's fair Jo. You heard about me, now I want to hear about you."
"Well, I guess it all kind of starts with Jack. I figured he was the only one who wouldn't know yet, since he was with his dad in New York. I went to his dad's though, and Jack wasn't there. His dad called him, and when he showed up, he took me to the apartment he had with James."
I look at Pacey and realize he has no idea who James is. "James is Jack's boyfriend. Geoff and Steve were friends of theirs; and now Jen and I as well."
"Ah. So you went to Jack's."
"Yeah. They let me vent for a while, and I started Law School. I wasn't doing very well in the money department, so Geoff gave me a chorus part in one of his shows. I guess it's kind of like Dawson. I caught the bug. After just one semester, I dropped out of school."
"One? Jo, you've wanted to be a lawyer since you were 9 years old!"
"Yeah, but I hated law. It was dry and lifeless to me. Other people didn't see it that way at school. It occurred to me that I was finding life in the theatre. I was free. On stage I could leave it all behind. The pain, the tears, all of it was someplace else. On stage I wasn't me, and I didn't have to deal with any of my own problems."
"You could be happy. Even if it wasn't for very long, you could be happy." He surprises me with the accuracy of his response.
I smile. "Yes. That's why I quit school. I refused to work for Geoff again for two years. When I auditioned for 'rent', I didn't realize he was directing it, and he wasn't involved in casting. I played 'Mimi' for five months, and then Dawson showed up."
"The belly button ring?" he asks carefully.
Right. The belly button ring. "Geoff was trying to re-neg on an agreement he had with Steve. Geoff, thinking he would be safe, declared that if I got my navel pierced, he would do his eyebrow. I grinned at him, entered the parlour and did it. That was about a year and a half ago."
"You always were one to rise to a challenge." He says, smiling at me.
"Yeah. That's me. Never could back down."
I catch a glint in his eyes. "I have a challenge for you." He says calmly.
Shit. Just say no. Can't be that difficult to do. "Oh do you?"
"I challenge you to be my friend."
Damn him. Damn him. Why me? Why does this have to happen to me? I should just say no. I should just tell him that I want more. I feel myself smile. "You're on." I agree, and extend my hand.
He takes my hand, and we shake on it. I'm such a chicken shit.
******************************
Great. This is just fabulous. What were Jen and Dawson thinking? She doesn't want this. She doesn't want to talk to me.
Joey continues to pound on the door. "Joey." I say firmly. "It's been an hour. They're not letting us out until they're good and ready to do so. In fact, I'd lay money on the fact that they're not even out there any more."
She stops, and turns. "That's not the point Pacey." She whispers.
"No, the point is that they've locked us in here to talk, and all you want to do is run."
She averts her eyes, and I regret my words. "It's not that simple Pace. You know it's not that simple."
"Why? Why can't it be that simple?" I started this, I might as well play it out. "Joey, I know I wasn't going to come to you. You weren't going to come to me. We're both way to stubborn for that and our friends know it. So they took the step for us. Let's just do this so that we can move forward." I refuse to say move on. I'll never move on.
"I can't do this Pacey."
"Why not?" I cross the room and stand next to her. "I'm not asking for a lifelong truce Potter. I just want to know why you brought up that conversation a month ago and then all but cut me out of your life again."
She closes her eyes. "Because you had to know. You had to know how hurt I was. You had to know that I was moving beyond that hurt." Her eyes meet mine. "I wasn't ready to go any farther than letting you know that I was going to be okay. I'm still not." She pushes past me and sits on one of the chairs.
"Jo, that's an explanation of why you've been avoiding me, not one about why you brought up a conversation we had three years ago in the middle of a scene."
"I know."
"So why won't you just talk to me?"
She closes her eyes. "Because I'm scared." She whispers. "I'm terrified of you Pacey Witter. I always have been. The way I feel when I'm near you, it absolutely frightens me. I don't know you anymore Pace, and that scares me more than you'll ever understand."
"You don't know me?" I ask her incredulously. "Jesus Jo! You're avoiding me because you think you don't know me? Just ask. All you ever have to do is ask." I sit down across from her. "For you, I'm an open book."
"You can't just do that Pacey. You can't just tell me that you're an open book. It's not that easy."
"Yes. It is. For us, it is. You know it as well as I do. Just ask, and I'll tell you."
She closes her eyes. "Okay then. I want to know everything. From day one, I want to know it all. I want to know you again Pace. Really know you, and be your friend. I don't want to just say I'm your friend and then avoid you."
Everything. Okay. I'm guessing that doesn't include the fact that every single action I've taken, every decision I've made, has been motivated by the fact that I'm in love with you and want you to be proud of me? Sure. I'll just make sure to gloss over that part then.
"I guess I should start in Capeside then." I pause, and she nods. "Needless to say I was wrecked after you left, but let's skip that for –
"No."
"Excuse me?"
"Don't skip it. I need to hear it."
I nod slowly. "I was wrecked, and convinced that you would come back to me. I waited on the boat all summer, knowing that when, not if, you came back, that was where you would go first to find me. I decided not to go to LA, in case you came back and I missed you. I didn't want to miss you coming back. The day the plane was scheduled to leave, Dougie and Dawson showed up and physically dragged me to the airport. They put me on the plane and tied me to the seat."
"I am so sorry. I should have stayed." She whispers.
"We've covered this Jo. You were hurting; you thought I had betrayed you. You didn't know. And I forgave you."
"I know, but that doesn't mean..."
"Yes, it does. Yeah, I hurt, but you're here now, and we're talking, so it's okay."
She nods, and then smiles a bit. "So they tied you up and shipped you out?"
I smile back. "Funny Potter. Do you want to hear this or not?"
She clamps her mouth shut dramatically and pretends to lock it with a key. She then throws the 'key' at my head. "Hey!"
She waves me on with her hand, smiling a bit more.
Great. She's being cute. She's not supposed to be cute when she's ripping my heart out by telling me she wants to be my friend. "Anyways, Dawson and I got to school, and found out they somehow managed to delete our housing request. We got an apartment, that we incidentally couldn't afford, and paid for it by modeling." I glance at her and realize she's convulsing with silent laughter. "Dawson already told you about the modeling didn't he?" I ask her.
She nods, and the laughter goes from silent to loud. "I'm sorry, I just – you – strutting – runway – "
Laugh it up Jo. Let's see you laugh at this. "Are you saying I'm not enough of a sex symbol to be a model?"
She stops laughing and looks at me sharply, and there's something in her eyes, something deep, that gives me hope. "Of course not, it's just..." she breaks and starts to laugh again. "We were eight – and I wanted to be a men's clothes designer and you and Dawson were my models..." she trails off.
My eyes go wide. "You had me wear your sister's clothes!" I say, joining her laughter.
We laugh about that for a while. "Moving on then." I say carefully, and she nods her assent. "So we were models, and I hated it. I'm guessing in hindsight it was the traumatic childhood experiences with the trade. I focused on school, and graduated at the top of my class. Regency-Alliance gave me a five film contract with one of the films being one that I either wrote or chose. A prime contract for a beginner, but they loved my graduate film."
"Changes." She says softly.
"So I thought, but they loved it so much they wanted the rights. I sold it to them for a large sum of money, that I'm not allowed to disclose, and they told me to choose another one. So I did."
"That's it? Modeling and Movies?"
"And basketball. Every year, except this year, Dawson, Drai and I have gotten season tickets to the Lakers."
"And you're missing a game because of me."
"Yeah, but this was probably more important."
She smiles. "How is it that you just forgive me?"
"I just do."
She looks away. "It's not supposed to be that simple." She says softly.
I take her face in my hands and force her to meet my eyes. "It is that simple Jo. I forgive you."
"Why? I took your life away Pacey."
"No, you didn't." I pause to form my response. "No, I wasn't the life of the party. But I got my act together Joey. I coasted my way through high school; I know that. I barely made it into that film school, and point of fact, the only reason they took me is because Dawson refused to go without me. But when I got there Jo..." I stop.
"What?" she presses.
"I did it for you." I whisper. "I worked my ass off to impress you Josephine Potter, even if I denied I was doing it most of the time."
"You should have gone to the game tonight Pace." She whispers, letting the tears fall down her face.
"I'm right where I should be Jo. But this isn't a one way road." I tell her, pulling away a bit. "I want to hear about you too."
[part 46...]
"Me?" I ask carefully. He is me. He'll always be me.
"Fair's fair Jo. You heard about me, now I want to hear about you."
"Well, I guess it all kind of starts with Jack. I figured he was the only one who wouldn't know yet, since he was with his dad in New York. I went to his dad's though, and Jack wasn't there. His dad called him, and when he showed up, he took me to the apartment he had with James."
I look at Pacey and realize he has no idea who James is. "James is Jack's boyfriend. Geoff and Steve were friends of theirs; and now Jen and I as well."
"Ah. So you went to Jack's."
"Yeah. They let me vent for a while, and I started Law School. I wasn't doing very well in the money department, so Geoff gave me a chorus part in one of his shows. I guess it's kind of like Dawson. I caught the bug. After just one semester, I dropped out of school."
"One? Jo, you've wanted to be a lawyer since you were 9 years old!"
"Yeah, but I hated law. It was dry and lifeless to me. Other people didn't see it that way at school. It occurred to me that I was finding life in the theatre. I was free. On stage I could leave it all behind. The pain, the tears, all of it was someplace else. On stage I wasn't me, and I didn't have to deal with any of my own problems."
"You could be happy. Even if it wasn't for very long, you could be happy." He surprises me with the accuracy of his response.
I smile. "Yes. That's why I quit school. I refused to work for Geoff again for two years. When I auditioned for 'rent', I didn't realize he was directing it, and he wasn't involved in casting. I played 'Mimi' for five months, and then Dawson showed up."
"The belly button ring?" he asks carefully.
Right. The belly button ring. "Geoff was trying to re-neg on an agreement he had with Steve. Geoff, thinking he would be safe, declared that if I got my navel pierced, he would do his eyebrow. I grinned at him, entered the parlour and did it. That was about a year and a half ago."
"You always were one to rise to a challenge." He says, smiling at me.
"Yeah. That's me. Never could back down."
I catch a glint in his eyes. "I have a challenge for you." He says calmly.
Shit. Just say no. Can't be that difficult to do. "Oh do you?"
"I challenge you to be my friend."
Damn him. Damn him. Why me? Why does this have to happen to me? I should just say no. I should just tell him that I want more. I feel myself smile. "You're on." I agree, and extend my hand.
He takes my hand, and we shake on it. I'm such a chicken shit.
******************************