Disclaimer: I don't own LotR.
Scene: where we left off with the fellowship minus Frodo, Faramir, Eowyn, Haldir and Gollum. The car (obviously) has stalled, and things are again looking VERY grim for our heros.
"Oh drat," said Gandalf. "We're out of silly string. I think you guys are gonna have to…"
"WHAT?!?" enquired a paniced Aragorn.
"may um ent," muttered Gandalf.
"WHAT?!?" screamed Aragorn.
"MAKE THEM FAINT," said Gandalf, loud and clear.
"Ewww," said Aragorn.
"WHAT!" said Gandalf.
"I don't really care to think about what I'd have to do to make them faint," said Aragorn.
"ARAGORN, THIS IS NO TIME FOR IMMATURITY!" yelled Gandalf. "THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS!!"
"But, I don't want to be subjected to…" began Aragorn.
"OH HUSH, ARAGORN," yelled Gandalf "you don't have to do anything pervy or disgusting…Just…oh, I don't know…OH, got it. Do the swish thing you did with your hair at Helmsdeep."
Aragorn covered half of his face with his hair, and then drew Anduril, and threw the hair that had been covering his face off of it in one smooth motion.
"Like that?" asked Aragorn.
"PERFECT!" said Gandalf, "Okay, Legolas, you just pull one of your ridiculous elfy stunts, got it?"
Legolas nodded.
"Faramir…hmmm…do something similar to what Aragorn does…you too Boromir…"
"Now, um Pippin, hmmm…just talk to your fangirls."
"Talk to them?"
"Yes, Pippen. They really love your accent, and I think it would be enough to make at least MOST of them faint…"
"…Merry…um…just try to stay out of harms way…"
"Kay!" said Merry cheerfully.
"Huh," said Legolas, perplexed as he looked in the rear-view mirror "That's funny."
"WHAT?!?" demanded Aragorn.
"None of the Fangirls look even remotely acne prone, and…my god…some of them are wearing dresses as ridiculous as Arwen's…" he was inturrepted by a yellow book entitled 'The Half-Witted Morons Guide to Avoiding Fangirls.'
Gollum cackled gleefully, and said "Thatsss and apt dessscription of all presssent and accounted for, with the exclusssion of yourssss truly, precious."
"Shut up," griped Haldir.
Legolas began to read from the table of contents 'how to identify a fangirl…how to repel a fangirl…how to escape a Fangirl…blah blah blah…ah! Here it is. Who's who in the world of Mary-Sue," he began to read "If a fangirl is chasing after you, you may notice that she suddenly morphs into an almost unrecognizable form, such as a pretty elf maiden, a female Ranger, an insane hobbit, et cetera, et cetera. What this means is that she has morphed into her alter ego, the character who represents her in her Mary-Sue fics. Below is listed which are Fangirls of which Person/Elf/Hobbit;
Legolas Mary-Sues: there are two types; either elves, who are brainless eye candy and wear dresses as ridiculous as Arwens, or enchantress types who also happen to be eye candy in dresses as ridiculous as Arwens.
Aragorn Mary-Sues: female ranger types, more skilled with a sword than Aragorn himself, they typically have angsty, shadowy, tragic pasts.
Okay, I think we get the point, the point being that we are in TROUBLE with a capital trouble.
"It's okay," said Gandalf "I have a plan."
Five minutes later: FEFGH (fellowship, Eowyn, Faramir, Gollum, and Haldir) were driving through some Midwestern cornfield. They have now graduated from the east coast, and the great lakes to the plains, one of THE MOST monotonous places in the US considering that it is almost purely agricultural.
"I STILL think that this is a bad idea," said Aragorn.
"Shut up until you think of something better," said Gandalf. "Lets review; all of the people/elves/hobbits that the Mary-Sues will be after split into units of two, each unit standing at 15 foot intervals, those of us who are not in any sort of danger, namely me, Gimli, Eowyn, and Gollum, stand five feet in front of them, and give them signals. 'thumbs up' means 'all clear,' middle finger means 'Fangirls headed your way.' Now lets move!"
Ten minutes later: "This is so lame it is painful," muttered Aragorn to Legolas.
"Uh-oh," said Legolas "Eowyn's giving us the finger…"
"DUCK!" yelled Aragorn. "Make them faint Legolas!" he said, standing.
Legolas pulled an arrow out of his quiver with a flourish, nocked it to his bow, and sent it flying into the stratosphere, and then murmured some elvish words, staring intensly at the sun, which was enough to make half of the Fangirls faint, and then Aragorn did the 'swish thing' with his hair, which made the other half who had headed their way faint.
"TO THE CAR!" yelled Gandalf, once the number of Fangirls that Faramir, Aragorn, Boromir, Merry, Pippin, Legolas et cetera had managed to make faint seemed sufficient and FEFGH sprinted to the car, jumped into it, and zoomed away as fast as it is possible to when you are driving through a cornfield in Middle America.
In their haste to get away, FEFGH had neglected to notice that Merry had been capture by Fangirls, who were now on their way back to the Helicopter. There was one person, however, who had not neglected to the notice. This person went by the name of MischiefHobbit, and had managed to find Merry after large amounts of agonizing. So there she was, marching through the very same cornfield that FEFGH had just left behind in a cloud of dust, armed with a flying carpet.
"CHARRRGE!" yelled MischiefHobbit as soon as she was spotted by one of the Fangirls. She managed to battle her way through the rank of fangirls, and was off, dragging Merry by the shirt collar.
"YOU," said MischiefHobbit.
"Me?"
"Didn't I TELL you to stay away from Fangirls?"
"Yes, but…" Merry protested as MischiefHobbit began to unroll the magic carpet.
"THEY ARE LIKE GROUPIES!! AND IF YOU THINK FOR ONE MOMENT THAT I AM GOING TO TURN A BLIND EYE TO THE FACT THAT…"
"They're coming after us," said Merry bluntly.
The magic carpet rose about a foot off of the ground, and then fell back to earth.
"The turbo just crapped out," Merry informed MischiefHobbit.
"That's OK," said MischiefHobbit, "the anti-gravity device just kicked in."
It proved to be true, and the carpet rose, slowly and majestically, until it was fifty feet above the ground.
"Now explain yourself, mister," said MischiefHobbit.
"Well," said Merry innocently, "we were just having our yearly 'fellowship reunion…'" he proceeded to tell her the tale of Frodo being kidnapped by the fangirls, and ended with "and now, well, here we are."
"Oh," said MischiefHobbit rather sheepishly "Well, in that case, could I have that ring back?" She indicated the ring that she had thrown at Merry when she had begun chastising him about Fangirls being like groupies.
"It looked better on me," said Merry, but nevertheless, he sounded extremely relieved and put the ring back on her hand.
"WE FORGOT MERRY!" yelled poor, distressed Pippin.
"Actually, we may have, but it looks like he's headed this way," said Legolas in an amused tone, as the magic carpet settled on top of the car and Gandalf pulled over, got out, and said "Welcome back Merry!"
Grinning from ear to ear, Merry jumped into the car.
"Thank you, MischiefHobbit!" he said brightly.
"Don't mention it. I expect to see you back in a month mister," said MischiefHobbit, waving cheerfully to FEFGH, and zooming away on her magic carpet.
"Who was THAT?" asked Legolas, his voice filled with malicious delight.
"My FRIEND," Merry insisted, turning bright pink.
"…Who's been calling you every day since we left," finished Pippin.
Merry turned bright red.
To my reviewers:
OnTheHuntForElijahWood: Yeah, I saw the Academy awards. I cheered extremely loudly when RotK won best picture. All the guys who played hobbits were sitting together—it was so cute!
The Pooks: um, good job, you just weirded me out which, needless to say, is EXTREMELY hard to do.
MischiefHobbit: CHAOS IS GREAT, CHAOS IS GREAT, MEOW MIX, MEOW MIX PLEASE DELIVER! If you didn't like how you were engaged/married to Merry, please tell me and I will change it.
mirielle: I wrote the chapter with Frodo and the ICU, but it kinda sucked, so I need to go back over it. SORRY!!
Galadriel-in-disguise: I am NOT going to ask because I have a feeling that I do NOT want to know…hahaha.
hyperactive forever: he has done NOTHING to resolve the deficit, and the idea of borrowing the money in bonds will ultimately put California FURTHER in debt…sorry, I can't help ranting about stupid government officials…