Part 53
Can't hurt to look, right?
I step off the plane and spy the Lindley girl leaning on a fence. I approach her. "Where's Pacey?"
"With Jo. Come on, you're staying at the B&B."
"A Bed & Breakfast? That's so small town." How cute. "Is everyone there?"
She raises an eyebrow. "Nope. Just you. Dawson's house is full, and so is my Grams'."
I look at her suspiciously. "Dawson has a house here?" There is no way Dawson Leery keeps a house here.
She starts walking. "It used to be his parents' house. When they decided to sell, he bought it in case he ever wanted to come back."
"Right." I'll believe that when I see it. "So where exactly is this B&B?"
"Down the creek a bit. Jo's brother-in-law runs it. Normally, he does the food too, but he's taking some time off to spend with Alex and Jessica." We approach a small car. "Throw your stuff in the backseat and hop in."
What backseat? "Sure." I say quickly, climbing in. We ride in silence, and as we approach a small set of cabins, I realize we're there. "Nice." I say honestly.
"We'd have gotten you a cabin, but it's tourist season, so the place is packed. You'll be in the main house." Jen comments as we enter.
We bypass the reception desk, and the woman seated there smiles softly at Jen and I so I assume they've already checked me in. We walk up the stairs to the back and she opens a door to reveal a surprisingly spacious room. "This is beautiful."
"They don't usually have guests in this room, but like I said, it's completely booked up. Don't touch anything."
"Excuse me? Why can't I touch anything?" What kind of an ass-backwards business is this that I can't use the room I'm staying in?
"It's Bodie's room, not a B&B room. Don't touch his stuff."
"I'm sure they –
"He. And yes, he would mind. His wife just died. Don't touch the pictures, don't move the mementos. If you need to work, the office is the last door on the left down the hall."
"Oh." Oops. "Would you send my condolences?"
"I will." She pauses. "I have to go, Dawson and I are handling the funeral arrangements."
"Right." I say, watching her leave. Why would Dawson be handling the funeral arrangements for the owner of a B&B in Massachusetts? "It can't hurt to look though, right?" I whisper carefully, closing to door and moving to the first set of shelves to snoop.
Part 54
People in Heaven
I don't know what to say to Alexander. How am I supposed to tell my little boy that his mother is never coming home?
How am I supposed to tell Jessica that her mommy died because there were complications when she was born without her blaming herself?
How am I supposed to get through their teens without her?
"Bodie?"
I look up to see Dawson standing in the door. "Yeah?" I'm amazed at how hoarse my voice is.
"Do you mind if I sit?"
"Go for it." I tell him, and he sits on the chair next to me. "What am I going to tell the kids?" I ask carefully.
"Whatever you're ready to tell them. Jen and I tried to explain it to Alex a bit."
"Thank you. I just...I don't know how I can do this without her."
"There's not much advice I can give you. I'm not going to tell you I know what you're going through, because I don't. But I can tell you that whatever you do, wherever you go, you've got family. You've got Jo, and Pacey, Jack, Jen and I. We're not going anywhere. Anything you need, we're here."
I stare at this young man before me. "When did you go and grow up Dawson?"
He smiles a bit. "I don't really know about grown up, but I've learned a lot, especially since Joey blew back into my life. She's always been one for teaching me about life. I think she got it from her fantastic older sister."
"Jo fought Bess every step of the way, you know? And when she dropped out of college Bess was livid."
"But she made it. Bess provided everyone she met with a strength we didn't know we had inside of us. She gave that to you too. She gave that to both of her children, and she's standing up in heaven with her mother still giving that strength. I'm not saying you're ever going to stop missing her. I'm not saying it's ever going to stop hurting. But if you close your eyes, I think you'll be able to feel that strength. She's not standing here, but she's here none the less. Bodie, she's a part of every single one of us."
"I don't want parts of her Dawson. I don't want to see bits and pieces of my wife in everyone she met, in everyone I know. I want her." I close my eyes. I want you back babe. Come back to me, please.
Dawson sits quietly next to me, and I feel the tears come again. Come home Bess. I don't think I can do this without you. You promised you'd be here. I feel the couch bounce a bit as someone else sits down. "Dad?"
I turn to look at my son, sitting next to me with concern and sadness evident in his eyes. "Come here little man." I pull him into my arms and let myself feel the comfort of one of the only true pieces of my wife I have left.
"Mommy isn't coming home, is she? Uncle Dawson and Aunt Jen told me she went to heaven with Grandma Potter."
"She did. She's gonna' keep a close eye on us though, so we're all going to have to be real good and make her proud."
I look at his face and see tears that match my own. "I'm glad you're crying too." He says softly. "Johnny at school always says that boys don't cry."
"Boys cry when it's important to cry, and when they hurt. Your mommy was the most amazing person, and we can cry about missing her whenever it feels right."
"What about Jessica? She didn't really get to know her."
"We're going to make sure that we tell her then. We're going to make sure that every day, we tell her something great about her mommy so that she knows how special and perfect she was."
"Okay." He leans into me and I look at Dawson, who nods.
"I'll go get her." He says softly, and a minute later, he hands me my beautiful baby girl.
"It's just the three of us now buddy." I say to Alexander. "Aunt Joey, Uncle Pacey, Aunt Jen, Uncle Dawson and Uncle Jack are going to be around, but mostly, it's just us."
"That's okay Dad. And we're not really alone. Mommy is going to be watching us, and making sure we're okay, remember? That's what people in heaven do."
I feel a small smile form on my face. "You're right little man. That is what people in heaven do."
Part 55
Coming Together in Grief
I'm eating my oatmeal when visitors are being announced, and I perk up. Five years and I still hope. Neither of them has been here since I got put back, why would they come now? I should just –
"Potter, John!" the guard says from the door and I stare at him. He's kidding, right? I don't get visitors, ever.
"Let's go Potter!" he shouts again, and I get up carefully, following him to the visitor's area where I get put in a relatively open room with no glass.
"What's going on?" I ask him. "I thought I only had restricted visits."
"They don't tell me reasons Potter, only locations. This is where I was told to bring you, so I did."
"Right." I agree carefully.
He leaves, and closes the door loudly. I take a seat on the fairly nice couch at the side of the surprisingly well-furnished room. The other door opens and I see my youngest daughter walk in hesitantly with the boy who brought her the last time she visited me. Pacey, I think his name was.
"Hi Daddy." She whispers softly, crossing over to me.
"Hey Sugar. Long time no see." I say, getting up and pulling her into a hug.
I feel small tears on my shirt and bring her eyes to meet mine. "What's wrong?"
"I should have visited more. We both should have."
"Hey, I don't blame you baby girl. I betrayed your trust. You're here now though, so it's okay."
"No, it's not. It's never going to be okay again."
I move her to sit on the couch next to me and the boy sits behind her. Close, but not intruding. "Jo." He whispers.
She looks at him. "I'm trying Pace, but..."
"No buts Jo." He looks at me, then back to her. "Tell him."
"Tell me what?"
"I was getting ready to go on set...Bodie called me...said Bess was in labor...but it was too soon, she was supposed to have surgery...they were so careful...I caught the next plane...they were waiting...the doctors...Pacey caught me...Bodie and Alex..." she sobs loudly.
I feel my nerves tighten. "Where's Bess? In the hospital?" Please God let my little girl be okay.
Joey shakes her head. "They tried Daddy. They tried to save her but she lost too much blood. They knew it wasn't safe for her to deliver. That's why they had the surgery planned, but...she went into labor and by the time...by the time they got to the hospital Jessica was crowning...Daddy she's gone." She collapses against me and I feel my heart break.
My baby girl is gone. What does a parent do when their child dies before them? What does a parent like me do when one of the only things they did right is taken from them? "Oh my God." I choke out, tightening my hold on Joey.
She clings to me and I cling right back. "Daddy what are we going to do?"
I feel the tears course down my cheeks and I meet Pacey's eyes. "I don't know little one. I really don't know." I pull back to look at her again. "But we'll figure it out together, okay? You and me against the world."
She nods. "The..." she trails off and looks at Pacey, who nods, and looks back. "The funeral is in three days. Dawson and Jen are taking care of everything."
I feel my heart constrict. "That's good of them." I say, trying to keep my voice even. I'm not going to get to say goodbye. I realize this and feel my heart shatter.
"Daddy, you don't understand. The judge has granted you a pass. For the ceremony and...for the cemetery too."
I hang my head. "I won't go to my daughter's funeral in a paddy wagon." I tell her calmly.
"What about a limo, with Pacey and I?"
"You know that's not –
"It's already been done. You'll be escorted by two guards, no cuffs, no uniforms, they'll be wearing suits and I've been informed that they'll be respectful of our privacy. We'll introduce them as mine and Pacey's security staff if anyone asks. Please Daddy."
"Why would they do this for me?"
"Because you made a mistake Daddy. And according to the warden, you've recognized that and worked hard to reform. I know I should have come sooner...we both should have come...but I need you there with me Daddy. Will you come?"
My baby girl. My beautiful baby girl is gone. "Of course I'll be there." I push the hair out of Joey's face. "Josephine." I whisper softly.
"We're going to make it Daddy. It's going to be hard, but you and me, we're going to make it through this."
"I missed you Joey."
"I missed you too Daddy."
***
Can't hurt to look, right?
I step off the plane and spy the Lindley girl leaning on a fence. I approach her. "Where's Pacey?"
"With Jo. Come on, you're staying at the B&B."
"A Bed & Breakfast? That's so small town." How cute. "Is everyone there?"
She raises an eyebrow. "Nope. Just you. Dawson's house is full, and so is my Grams'."
I look at her suspiciously. "Dawson has a house here?" There is no way Dawson Leery keeps a house here.
She starts walking. "It used to be his parents' house. When they decided to sell, he bought it in case he ever wanted to come back."
"Right." I'll believe that when I see it. "So where exactly is this B&B?"
"Down the creek a bit. Jo's brother-in-law runs it. Normally, he does the food too, but he's taking some time off to spend with Alex and Jessica." We approach a small car. "Throw your stuff in the backseat and hop in."
What backseat? "Sure." I say quickly, climbing in. We ride in silence, and as we approach a small set of cabins, I realize we're there. "Nice." I say honestly.
"We'd have gotten you a cabin, but it's tourist season, so the place is packed. You'll be in the main house." Jen comments as we enter.
We bypass the reception desk, and the woman seated there smiles softly at Jen and I so I assume they've already checked me in. We walk up the stairs to the back and she opens a door to reveal a surprisingly spacious room. "This is beautiful."
"They don't usually have guests in this room, but like I said, it's completely booked up. Don't touch anything."
"Excuse me? Why can't I touch anything?" What kind of an ass-backwards business is this that I can't use the room I'm staying in?
"It's Bodie's room, not a B&B room. Don't touch his stuff."
"I'm sure they –
"He. And yes, he would mind. His wife just died. Don't touch the pictures, don't move the mementos. If you need to work, the office is the last door on the left down the hall."
"Oh." Oops. "Would you send my condolences?"
"I will." She pauses. "I have to go, Dawson and I are handling the funeral arrangements."
"Right." I say, watching her leave. Why would Dawson be handling the funeral arrangements for the owner of a B&B in Massachusetts? "It can't hurt to look though, right?" I whisper carefully, closing to door and moving to the first set of shelves to snoop.
Part 54
People in Heaven
I don't know what to say to Alexander. How am I supposed to tell my little boy that his mother is never coming home?
How am I supposed to tell Jessica that her mommy died because there were complications when she was born without her blaming herself?
How am I supposed to get through their teens without her?
"Bodie?"
I look up to see Dawson standing in the door. "Yeah?" I'm amazed at how hoarse my voice is.
"Do you mind if I sit?"
"Go for it." I tell him, and he sits on the chair next to me. "What am I going to tell the kids?" I ask carefully.
"Whatever you're ready to tell them. Jen and I tried to explain it to Alex a bit."
"Thank you. I just...I don't know how I can do this without her."
"There's not much advice I can give you. I'm not going to tell you I know what you're going through, because I don't. But I can tell you that whatever you do, wherever you go, you've got family. You've got Jo, and Pacey, Jack, Jen and I. We're not going anywhere. Anything you need, we're here."
I stare at this young man before me. "When did you go and grow up Dawson?"
He smiles a bit. "I don't really know about grown up, but I've learned a lot, especially since Joey blew back into my life. She's always been one for teaching me about life. I think she got it from her fantastic older sister."
"Jo fought Bess every step of the way, you know? And when she dropped out of college Bess was livid."
"But she made it. Bess provided everyone she met with a strength we didn't know we had inside of us. She gave that to you too. She gave that to both of her children, and she's standing up in heaven with her mother still giving that strength. I'm not saying you're ever going to stop missing her. I'm not saying it's ever going to stop hurting. But if you close your eyes, I think you'll be able to feel that strength. She's not standing here, but she's here none the less. Bodie, she's a part of every single one of us."
"I don't want parts of her Dawson. I don't want to see bits and pieces of my wife in everyone she met, in everyone I know. I want her." I close my eyes. I want you back babe. Come back to me, please.
Dawson sits quietly next to me, and I feel the tears come again. Come home Bess. I don't think I can do this without you. You promised you'd be here. I feel the couch bounce a bit as someone else sits down. "Dad?"
I turn to look at my son, sitting next to me with concern and sadness evident in his eyes. "Come here little man." I pull him into my arms and let myself feel the comfort of one of the only true pieces of my wife I have left.
"Mommy isn't coming home, is she? Uncle Dawson and Aunt Jen told me she went to heaven with Grandma Potter."
"She did. She's gonna' keep a close eye on us though, so we're all going to have to be real good and make her proud."
I look at his face and see tears that match my own. "I'm glad you're crying too." He says softly. "Johnny at school always says that boys don't cry."
"Boys cry when it's important to cry, and when they hurt. Your mommy was the most amazing person, and we can cry about missing her whenever it feels right."
"What about Jessica? She didn't really get to know her."
"We're going to make sure that we tell her then. We're going to make sure that every day, we tell her something great about her mommy so that she knows how special and perfect she was."
"Okay." He leans into me and I look at Dawson, who nods.
"I'll go get her." He says softly, and a minute later, he hands me my beautiful baby girl.
"It's just the three of us now buddy." I say to Alexander. "Aunt Joey, Uncle Pacey, Aunt Jen, Uncle Dawson and Uncle Jack are going to be around, but mostly, it's just us."
"That's okay Dad. And we're not really alone. Mommy is going to be watching us, and making sure we're okay, remember? That's what people in heaven do."
I feel a small smile form on my face. "You're right little man. That is what people in heaven do."
Part 55
Coming Together in Grief
I'm eating my oatmeal when visitors are being announced, and I perk up. Five years and I still hope. Neither of them has been here since I got put back, why would they come now? I should just –
"Potter, John!" the guard says from the door and I stare at him. He's kidding, right? I don't get visitors, ever.
"Let's go Potter!" he shouts again, and I get up carefully, following him to the visitor's area where I get put in a relatively open room with no glass.
"What's going on?" I ask him. "I thought I only had restricted visits."
"They don't tell me reasons Potter, only locations. This is where I was told to bring you, so I did."
"Right." I agree carefully.
He leaves, and closes the door loudly. I take a seat on the fairly nice couch at the side of the surprisingly well-furnished room. The other door opens and I see my youngest daughter walk in hesitantly with the boy who brought her the last time she visited me. Pacey, I think his name was.
"Hi Daddy." She whispers softly, crossing over to me.
"Hey Sugar. Long time no see." I say, getting up and pulling her into a hug.
I feel small tears on my shirt and bring her eyes to meet mine. "What's wrong?"
"I should have visited more. We both should have."
"Hey, I don't blame you baby girl. I betrayed your trust. You're here now though, so it's okay."
"No, it's not. It's never going to be okay again."
I move her to sit on the couch next to me and the boy sits behind her. Close, but not intruding. "Jo." He whispers.
She looks at him. "I'm trying Pace, but..."
"No buts Jo." He looks at me, then back to her. "Tell him."
"Tell me what?"
"I was getting ready to go on set...Bodie called me...said Bess was in labor...but it was too soon, she was supposed to have surgery...they were so careful...I caught the next plane...they were waiting...the doctors...Pacey caught me...Bodie and Alex..." she sobs loudly.
I feel my nerves tighten. "Where's Bess? In the hospital?" Please God let my little girl be okay.
Joey shakes her head. "They tried Daddy. They tried to save her but she lost too much blood. They knew it wasn't safe for her to deliver. That's why they had the surgery planned, but...she went into labor and by the time...by the time they got to the hospital Jessica was crowning...Daddy she's gone." She collapses against me and I feel my heart break.
My baby girl is gone. What does a parent do when their child dies before them? What does a parent like me do when one of the only things they did right is taken from them? "Oh my God." I choke out, tightening my hold on Joey.
She clings to me and I cling right back. "Daddy what are we going to do?"
I feel the tears course down my cheeks and I meet Pacey's eyes. "I don't know little one. I really don't know." I pull back to look at her again. "But we'll figure it out together, okay? You and me against the world."
She nods. "The..." she trails off and looks at Pacey, who nods, and looks back. "The funeral is in three days. Dawson and Jen are taking care of everything."
I feel my heart constrict. "That's good of them." I say, trying to keep my voice even. I'm not going to get to say goodbye. I realize this and feel my heart shatter.
"Daddy, you don't understand. The judge has granted you a pass. For the ceremony and...for the cemetery too."
I hang my head. "I won't go to my daughter's funeral in a paddy wagon." I tell her calmly.
"What about a limo, with Pacey and I?"
"You know that's not –
"It's already been done. You'll be escorted by two guards, no cuffs, no uniforms, they'll be wearing suits and I've been informed that they'll be respectful of our privacy. We'll introduce them as mine and Pacey's security staff if anyone asks. Please Daddy."
"Why would they do this for me?"
"Because you made a mistake Daddy. And according to the warden, you've recognized that and worked hard to reform. I know I should have come sooner...we both should have come...but I need you there with me Daddy. Will you come?"
My baby girl. My beautiful baby girl is gone. "Of course I'll be there." I push the hair out of Joey's face. "Josephine." I whisper softly.
"We're going to make it Daddy. It's going to be hard, but you and me, we're going to make it through this."
"I missed you Joey."
"I missed you too Daddy."
***