Psyprass: Sorry about the length of this chapter – it just seemed to keep expanding as I typed. It also seems to lose most of its coherency by the end, due to the random, chaotic events that occur. I apologise for that too, if it doesn't make sense.
The next day, Ryouga crept sleepily out of his tent and stretched, yawning loudly. He had set up camp in the middle of a park, to which passer-byers stared at curiously. Of course, he wasn't about to spend the night at the Tendo's; that annoying, identity-confused Swan was staying there. Surveying his surroundings groggily, he decided that he would return to the Tendo's in a week – by then, that girl would surely have left by then. He was about to reach into his tent to pull out his backpack when a snide voice broke the peaceful quietness of the early morning.
"Heh. So you stayed here for the night? What a loser."
Ryouga gritted his teeth, hoping that his ears were deceiving him, and he turned around. Unfortunately for him, they weren't. Swan was standing behind him, wearing the same clothes she had on the previous night, only her hair had now bizarrely grown back to its original length and styled back into a plait. Her arms were crossed to reinforce the "tough" image and her expression was contorted into a malicious sneer.
Ryouga growled. "What do you WANT?"
"I just wanted to see how much of a dork you were." Swan replied smugly.
"Well get lost! You're the most annoying person I've ever met!" Ryouga, thoroughly irritated, turned his back on her to rummage around in his bag as an excuse to not look at her. He tried to ignore the snide remarks she kept shooting at him as he started to take down his tent. When he finally turned around to fly off the handle at her, he noticed, for a split second, a deep blush on Swan's face. When she saw him staring at her, she shook her head and began shouting at him.
"What? What are you staring at, LOSER?"
Ryouga's eye twitched. So she was acting all tough and calling him names, but in truth still had a crush on him? Was she trying to be "cool" or something?
Suddenly, as Swan continued to shout incessantly in his face, he got an idea. A horribly wonderful, ingenious idea.
Well, it wasn't really ingenious; it was actually quite simple. Looking to the sky, he thanked the heavens that there was someone else out there madly in love with him other than Swan.
"So… why are we going this way again?" Swan asked rudely as they walked together down the street.
"Uh…" Ryouga tried to make something up. "Well… I'm going to show you something…"
"Show me what?" she demanded, putting on her "tough girl" image as she crossed her arms.
"Show you a really nice park that I saw a while ago!" Ryouga fumbled, grinning unconvincingly. But in truth, he was luring her into a trap he had assembled to get rid of her. It wasn't a complex plan; he would merely lead her to the pig-sumo dojo and Akari, being in love with Ryouga, would become insanely jealous and attack Swan, causing her to flee in terror back to wherever she came from.
On the other hand, he could easily just beat Swan up and run away, but she was FAR too pathetic to be even worth hitting. He didn't like beating up weaklings, even annoying weaklings like her.
"A nice park? I'm not interested." Swan said, but she kept walking anyway. "And why are you showing me this place?"
"Because, uh, I like you very much!" Ryouga lied. Even though he was trying to deceive her, he could not bring himself to say "love". Not to HER, anyway.
Swan rolled her eyes. "Yeah right. And just a moment ago you totally hated me and called me the most annoying person you had ever met." But she blushed, looking as though she was trying very hard not to smile.
He blinked, not knowing what to say to that. They continued to walk. Unfortunately for Ryouga, however, his sense of direction failed him yet again, and he found himself staring at an unfamiliar street.
"Uh-oh…" he murmured to himself as he looked around.
"EX-cuse me?!" Swan said, trying to be tough again. "Why have we stopped? He-llo?!"
"Uh, don't worry, I'm just trying to remember where it is." he replied, trying to shut her up more than anything else. Swan gave a "hmph" of contempt and stamped her foot like a spoilt child. "I know all about your lousy sense of direction, Ryouga, so you'd better not have gotten us lost!"
Ryouga, ignoring her, now felt very anxious. Where were they? He cursed his abysmal tracking abilities as he realized that he might not even be able to carry out the plan now.
"Hello? Like, excuse me? What is up with you, idiot?"
Closing his eyes, Ryouga wished at that very moment that somebody, anybody, would come and distract the moment and shut the idiotic girl up.
"PIG-TAILED GIRL!"
Ryouga did not entirely register what happened next; it happened so fast. A dark blur had shot out of nowhere, and in the next moment Swan was sprawled on her knees with something nuzzling her.
"Oh pig-tailed girl, how I have missed you!" Kuno cried as he embraced Swan, who looked aghast.
"KYAAAAAAAA!!" was the reply that came from her as she screamed her head off, trying to push Kuno away. "PERVERT!!"
Kuno released her, startled by the sudden shriek, and glimpsed a look at her face.
"Oh… terribly sorry, young lady." he said apologetically, rising to his feet and helping her up. "I mistook you for another. It was just your pigtail…"
Trying to regain her tough composure, Swan pulled away from him roughly.
"If you ever, EVER touch me again, you pervert, I will KILL YOU! You hear me?!" she snarled at him.
Kuno raised his eyebrows. "Oh?" A smile spread across his face as he surveyed her. "And you name is…?"
"None of your damn business!" she growled back. But she told him her name anyway. "Swan. Why?"
Kuno seized her hands in his, and commented loudly, "My name is Tatewaki Kuno, and never have I seen such unfathomable beauty in such a woman! Your eyes are like the stars of Heaven, your hair is like the velvet curtain of night, your eyes…"
As Kuno rambled on poetically to a very astonished Swan, Ryouga smirked. Wasn't this the Tatewaki Kuno who constantly chased after Akane and the female Ranma? He had heard Ranma complaining about him, and Ryouga had vowed to deal with him for bothering Akane. But at this moment, Kuno was proving to be an interesting weapon. Swan was looking more and more disturbed by the second.
"Ew! Get away from me, you FREAK!" she spat, trying to free her hands. Kuno, however, did not appear to hear her, still rattling on about her "ravishing beauty".
Ryouga inspected the scene with amusement, watching this so-called tough girl struggle feebly against a flirting pervert.
"Oh, do you want me to save you again?" he asked wryly, a smile creeping onto his face.
"Excuse me? I can save myself, you good-for-nothing piece of trash!" she barked back. But at that moment, Kuno engaged her in a strong embrace, nuzzling against her face. A strange shudder seemed to run down from Swan's head to her feet, and her eyes popped out of her face.
"AAIIIII!!" she squealed. "SOMEONE SAVE ME—I mean, GET AWAY!!"
As Ryouga was watching the scene and chuckling, something heavy landed on his head, causing him to double over.
"Hey! Long time no see, P-Chan." A familiar voice commented from above his head.
"Ranma! Get the hell off me!" Ryouga shouted angrily as he threw the offending person from his head. "What do you want?" he growled as Ranma landed perfectly on his feet in front of him.
"Couldn't help but overhear some screaming in this direction. Just came to investigate." Ranma replied. He eyed Swan, who was struggling helplessly.
WHAP. He kicked Kuno a hundred feet into the sky, causing Ryouga to grimace. He had wanted to watch her flail about.
"Hey, you okay, Blade?" Ranma asked curiously. "I mean, judging by what you kept saying last night about your powers and all, I thought you would be able to deal with a grease ball like Kuno."
"SHUT UP!!" Swan roared at him, acting all tough again. "I could have easily – but YOU had to come in and interfere! You're such an idiot, you know that?"
Ranma was very much taken aback. "Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed…"
Swan was about to start yelling again when Mousse came running out of nowhere without his glasses on.
"OH SHAMPOO! HOW I HAVE MISSED YOU!!" he screamed, flinging himself onto Swan.
Swan squealed again and tried to struggle away, and Ryouga saw Ranma watching her skeptically. He grinned to himself.
"Hey Ranma!" A new voice appeared, and Akane came jogging around the corner. "Where on earth have you been? Your dad wants you back at the—"
Akane stopped short as she caught sight of Mousse and Swan. She blinked, confused.
"What's going on?" she asked.
"Blade here is showing us those ultimate fighting skills she was telling us about last night." Ranma snickered.
"Er…?" Akane watched Swan squirming feebly.
Finally, Mousse came to the realization that the person he was holding was not Shampoo, and he released her, putting on his glasses.
"Ah…" he said. "You're not Shampoo."
"OF COURSE NOT, YOU MORON!!" Swan exploded, spraying Mousse with spit.
"Why didn't you just fight him off?" Ranma asked her, grinning wryly.
"Shut up!" she growled.
"I was just wondering that myself…" Akane said.
A moment later, Shampoo came peeking around the corner.
"Did someone say Shampoo?" she asked.
"SHAMPOO!" cried Mousse. "HOW I HAVE MISSED YOU—"
He was silenced when Shampoo kicked him in the face. She looked around at the group.
"Why you all stand in middle of street?"
Ranma jerked a thumb at Swan. "We were saving her butt."
Swan looked as though she was going to tear him to pieces. "You numbskull! I'm so much stronger and more skilled than you. As if I need saving."
Shampoo glared at her, fist raised. "You no talk to Ranma that way!"
Swan looked slightly apprehensive at being threatened like this, but tried to remain tough looking. "Well," she started. "You're just a-"
She was cut off by the sudden arrival of Happosai, who had, judging by the bag of underwear lying discarded in the middle of the street, abandoned his panty-thieving to glomp this beautiful girl. He grabbed onto her chest and buried his face into her jacket.
"Oooh! A pretty lady!" Happosai cackled. "Why, you have such big-"
"AAAAAAAAIIIIIIGGHHH!!" screamed Swan once again, trying to pry the old man off. The rest of the group watched, half-startled and half-amused.
"I'm not even sure if I should stand here and enjoy this or beat up the old prune just for the heck of it," Ranma said.
"No, no. Just leave it be." Ryouga smirked.
The entertaining display was only broken by the return of Kuno, who looked as though he had fallen into a deep fryer by the way he looked. Or, to be precise, Ukyo's restaurant's deep fryer – she was chasing him with her giant spatula and yelling at Kuno.
"MY LOVE!!" Kuno yelled as he knocked Happosai out of the way and glomped Swan.
"You're gonna pay for the damage you caused, slime-ball!" Ukyo shouted angrily as she thrust her spatula at him. However, he leaned over tighten his hug at the last second, causing her to strike Swan directly in the face.
Cross-eyed, Swan wobbled back and collapsed on the ground. Kuno an obscene poetic phrase of revenge and drew his sword to attack Ukyo, but received a hard clout in the face by Happosai who had jumped up.
"How dare you hit me, you brat!" Happosai cried.
"You're the one who hit ME!" Kuno hollered, and the two began to brawl.
Mousse, who had lost his glasses upon being kicked in the face, rushed to Swan's aid.
"Are you okay, Shampoo?" he asked, helping her up. Swan pulled away roughly.
"Leave me ALONE!" she snarled.
Ranma gave a derisive laugh, causing her to fly off the handle at him again.
"And you! You ugly, good-for-nothing loser! I wouldn't laugh if I were you, considering how pathetic you are!"
Ukyo and Shampoo rounded on her like a pair of angry dogs.
"You!" Ukyo growled, clutching her spatula threateningly. "Don't you dare say such things about my Ranma!"
"You no insult Ranma!" Shampoo said, cracking her knuckles.
Akane made an attempt to step it. "Hey… maybe we should… cool off a bit, shall we?"
"You shut the hell up too, you ungirly uncute weakling!" Swan shouted at her.
The entire area went silent for a moment as both girls stared at each other. Then, everything seemed to turn dark as a crackling aura that formed around Akane blazed with an inferno that could only mean one thing – imminent death for Swan.
The three girls advanced on her, prepared to beat her into oblivion. It was then that Swan completely ditched her "tough girl" act, terrified, and hid behind Ryouga.
"Make them leave me alone, Ryouga!" she whined, clutching his shoulders and hugging his back.
Ryouga rolled his eyes. "Yeah. Right. What makes you think I would do something like that – anyway, you can take care of yourself. You told us so."
"R – Ryouga! My love! Please, don't let them hurt me! Save me, my love! Save me!" Swan cried, tears forming in her eyes as she hugged him.
A voice rang out from behind them. "NO!"
As they all turned around, they saw Akari charging forward on the back of her sumo pig, Konishiki.
"He is MY love! I won't let you take my Ryouga away from me!" she cried. "Konishiki, attack!"
The giant pig gave a snort and increased his speed as he lunged at Swan. Swan gave a shriek of terror and took off down the street, waving her arms around. Shampoo, Akane, Ukyo and Akari gave chase after her, their furious auras burning together as one. A few moments later, Kuno, Mousse and Happosai chased after her too.
"Wait, my darling flower! I love you!" Kuno called.
"Pretty lady!" Happosai screeched.
"Shampoo, I'll save you!" Mousse cried, still under the impression that Swan was Shampoo.
Ryouga and Ranma were left standing in the middle of an empty street. A breeze picked up, and a ball of tumbleweed blew past in the silence.
"Well…" Ryouga said. "That takes care of her, I guess…"
Ranma stared down the street, frowning. "Who – or should I say what – was she?"
Ryouga chortled, and put his hand on Ranma's shoulder, beaming. "Whatever she was, it doesn't matter anymore. She's finally gone, and that's all that counts."
Chuckling, they both started back to the Tendo dojo – Ranma leading, of course.
Ryouga had never been happier. He spent the night camping in the Tendo's backyard, and the next morning he awoke to the birds singing in the clear air and wonderful prospect of solitude. Wonderful, wonderful solitude. Finally, that horrible girl was gone! It was a miracle he could hardly grasp the concept of.
Stepping out of his tent onto the dew-filled grass, Ryouga beamed at the morning sky and idly strode over to the Tendo's pond. The shimmering blanket of water winked at him in the sunlight's reflection, diamond specks flickering here and there amongst the flecks of lotus leaves and flowers. A fish with bright blue scales glided into sight, and then disappeared into the azure depths.
After a moment of admiring the pond, Ryouga turned around to move back to his tent, sighing happily. An enormous splashing sound as something large broke the surface of the pond sprayed him with water from behind. He whipped back around.
An extremely bedraggled-looking girl, with her torn and shredded biker clothes barely holding together, was leaning on the bank. Her disarrayed and wildly tangled black hair was untamed, and hung down in front of her face partially concealing it under the thick dirty strands. Her entire body was covered in cuts and bruises, and she sported a bleeding nose. Breathing raggedly, her bestial-looking blue eyes were wide open with lunacy and portrayed pure psychotic vehemence. The girl opened her shaking lips and lurched something from her mouth in a coarse voice.
"R… Ryouga… my… love…"
THE END