I will begin Lemony Snicket's story, as he did ours, not at the very beginning, but at a critical turning point in his life. He had just returned from a mission in the South Seas, where he had encountered an erupting volcano, a series of corridors built entirely out of human skulls, and a sinister cabal that owned a horrible sea-monster.
When he returned to his home-in-exile in Peru, he found a letter waiting for him addressed to "Monty Kensicle". Only a few people knew he had begun writing incredibly cute but incredibly boring books about the Littlest Elf under that pen-name. The letter was stamped with the seal of the Duchess of Winnipeg, who was always known to him by the name "R".
There was no letter enclosed, only a single clipping from the Daily Punctilio, an obituary notice:
"Widdershins, Beatrice. Died unexpectedly at sea from an attack by man-eating manatees. Survived by husband Captain Ishmael Widdershins, and by her two children, Fiona and Fernald (the latter is wanted for arson in connection with the Anwhistle Aquatics fire). No flowers, just do what you can to make the world a quieter place."
Lemony gasped. His beloved Beatrice, dead? NO!! But then he remembered what she told him years ago when they trained together in the Valley of the Four Drafts.
"If you ever hear of my death, and it has anything to do with manatees, that will be my sign to you that I'm not really dead. I just had to disappear."
If Beatrice wasn't dead, perhaps she had faked her death to be free of her husband. Then there was hope again, hope he had not dared to have for the last fifteen years since their engagement had been broken. He must return and find her again! But he would have to be very careful. Like her son Fernald, he was wanted for arson... a crime he had never committed.
Fortunately, his years on the run had made him a master of disguise. He was able to smuggle himself back into the country by hiding himself in a shipment of bananas, disguised as a large tarantula. The dock workers screamed and ran when they saw such a gigantic spider, giving him the chance to slip away.
The first thing he had to do was get in touch with Duchess R, to see if she had any more information for him. She had been his friend from his earliest days in the V.F.D., when they met in the infirmary, telling each other stories to distract themselves from the pain of their new ankle tattoos.
With an exchange of coded postcards they agreed to meet in the coffee shop of a large drugstore. R came disguised as Lemony disguised as her, and Lemony came disguised as R disguised as him. That way, if the police saw them they would be so confused that they wouldn't know who to follow.
"O Mr. Sni..., or should I call you Mr. Kensicle?" said the Duchess. "I didn't expect you to come rushing back here... but I knew you would want to know about B's death."
"Call me L," said Lemony. "Please keep this very confidential, but I don't think she's really dead. She told me years ago not to believe a report of her death if it involved manatees."
"Oh my, how extraordinary! I had no idea," said R.
"I have to see her again," said Lemony.
"How can you do that? She has completely cut off contact with everyone. She had to, you know, to pretend to be dead," said the Duchess.
"I'll find her somehow," Lemony declared.
"If you can find her before my masked ball next month, I'll arrange an invitation for her. She can attend disguised, to protect her new identity. And you can attend disguised as well, to hide your identity from the police."
"Thank you R, that will be wonderful," Lemony said.
"I'll do anything I can to further the course of true love," said R.
"Would you give me an update on how our organization has been doing? I've been rather out of touch, in exile for 15 years since the schism," Lemony said.
"L, the schism has gotten worse and worse. M's Reptile Conservatory was burned down just last week. He's trying to find the surviving reptiles and moving them out to a new place in the country. The other side is looking for them, too."
"Very bad. How are my brother and sister, J and K?"
"I wouldn't approach them if I were you... terrible things are happening now even on the quiet side of the schism. There was a huge scandal with B and J's son, F. He went over to the other side and burned down Anwhistle Aquatics. That what the newspapers say, anyway."
"Just a moment... you said B and J's son? I thought the Captain's name started with an I," said Lemony.
"F is B's son by your brother J, L. F's younger sister, also F, is too," said R.
"What? How could he betray me like that? He knew I loved her!" said Lemony, aghast.
"Well, you left under a cloud of suspicion. I never believed you were guilty, but J and B apparently did," said the Duchess.
"J helped me flee the country. He was supposed to tell B not to believe what she read in the papers about me!" said Lemony.
"He didn't tell her any such thing, as far as I know" said R, "I think he took advantage of your absence to win her for himself. But she eventually saw through him; she divorced him and married the Captain."
"Thanks for the warning, anyway," said Lemony. "I'll be sure not to go near my siblings."
"K is still on your side, I think," said the Duchess. "But she has hardened a lot in the past few years. Now she's designing a ship to catch and punish traitors... one with a slave galley, I heard."
"If only our organization could be as pure and and noble as it was in the old days..." said Lemony with a sigh.
"I guess there's no going back," the Duchess sighed as well.
"One more thing..." Lemony said.
"Yes?" said the Duchess.
"I need to travel light and move quickly. Would you store this box of things for me? It has my spare disguises: the wigs, the fake wooden leg, the navy blue suit, and that chest-of-drawers costume I wore when I stole back the V.F.D's master sugar bowl from E."
"That reminds me, you must be very careful of O," said R. "He still very much wants revenge on both you and B for taking that sugar bowl."
"I'll be
careful," said Lemony. "The box also has my best typewriter and my
bright blue accordion, which is my third favorite. Please take good
came of it, R"
"Of course I will, L," said the Duchess. "I'll put it
in your old guest room, and if you can find B she shall have the guest
room next to yours. It's so romantic!"
And so Lemony Snicket set out to find the missing Beatrice in her new identity, a decision that would have tragic consequences for them both... had he but known.