Lemony realized that the handcuffs had been fastened around the wrists of the gauntlets, not directly around his own wrists. He looped the chain around a low tree branch and with much tugging he managed to pry off the gauntlets without losing too much skin in the process. He swiftly tore off the rest of the armor and began to run through the water, hoping to catch sight of the lights of the house.
Bad luck continued to plague him. He slipped on a muddy bank and went down into a gully that was raging with a torrent of water. He kept his head above water by grabbing onto a floating log, but the current was too strong to fight. Before he knew it he was swept out to sea.
Lemony was miserable. His only love had rejected him for another. Trying to talk to her had only exposed her to danger. And now here he was, swept along by currents and powerless to help her. A storm blew up, but his face was already drenched with tears before it began to rain.
Waves battered the log. He had nearly given up holding on when he saw a large black frigate sailing nearby. He waved and shouted to it, and it turned in his direction. Someone on the ship threw down a life-preserver ring tied to a rope.
As Lemony grabbed it, he noticed the elaborate knot that tied the rope to the life-preserver. He recognized it as a Devil's Tongue knot, a trademark of the famous Female Finnish Pirates. They were likely going to rob him, and to toss him back into the sea when they realized he had nothing, unless he came up with something fast.
"Shiver me timbers!" he called as they pulled him on board, posing as a pirate experiencing amazement. "Glad to see more pirates, I am. I was swept off the deck of a pirate ship in the storm. Arr. Me name is Swashbuckling Snicket."
"Terve (hello), Pirate Snicket," said a tall woman with long blond hair. "My nimeni (name) is Pirate Jenni, the Captain of this ship. These are my crew-mates Pirate Eeva, Pirate Ronja, Pirate Ulla, and Pirate Sisko."
"Arr, pleased to meet you," said Lemony.
"Hauska tavata sinua (pleased to meet you)," chorused the other pirates.
"Their English is not good, valitettavasti (sorry)," said Pirate Jenni.
"Arr, I say kiitos (thank you) for saving me," said Lemony, putting to use one of the few Finnish words he knew.
Jenni seemed pleased. "We don't let men join our crew, but since you know some Suomea (Finnish) we might make an exception. Are you good with a weapon?"
"Arr, I can hit an olive with a bow and arrow from twenty paces, I can" said Lemony.
Jenni spoke to the others in rapid-fire Finnish and they fetched a bow and arrow and an olive for him to demonstrate. Though he was an excellent shot, Lemony was very nervous about attempting this on a rolling ship. His V.F.D. archery training came through, however. Pirate Eeva tossed the olive into the air, and Lemony speared it to the mast with a well-aimed shot.
"Sometimes our enemies try to poison us when we take food in raids," said Jenni. "Can you tell if food is poisoned?"
"Arr, me nose for arsenic is so good I can sniff it out in cheese fondue without even tasting for it," said Lemony.
Again Jenni instructed the others, who went below and came up with two pots of cheese fondue. Lemony carefully sniffed them both. Poison detection was another bit of V.F.D. training in which he had excelled.
"Arsenic in the one on the right, there is," Lemony said.
"One more test," said Jenni. "We want someone who can entertain us by reciting poetry on dull nights at sea. Can you memorize poetry?"
"Arr, I can memorize up to three pages at once," said Lemony. Memorization was a skill that all V.F.D. members had to have.
Jenni spoke to the others and they brought him a copy of the Kalevala, an epic Finnish poem. Needless to say, it was in Finnish. This was a real challenge, but Lemony managed to read three pages and recite them from memory.
"Tervetuloa (welcome) to the crew, Pirate Snicket," said Jenni.
Thus began several long and difficult months at sea. Though there were some consolations being the only man on a ship of Female Finnish Pirates, Lemony longed to get back to warn Beatrice. He also missed his marmosets, although he knew Olivia was taking good care of them back at the Caligari Carnival.
His chance to escape from the pirates came at last when they raided a coastal village. He ducked into a phone booth and called a taxi while the pirates weren't looking.
The cab delivered him to 1984 Brat Boulevard. He was too late. Flames were pouring from every window!
"Beaaatriiiice!" Lemony yelled. He tried again and again to get into the building, but the fire drove him back.
"Stick around and be arrested for arson, Snicket!" yelled a voice from a car parked across the street.
Lemony looked at the car; it suddenly started up and sped away. Sitting beside Count Olaf in the back seat was a woman Lemony hadn't seen for years: Esmé Gigi Geniveve. Both were laughing uproariously. There was someone else driving the car. He couldn't be sure who it was.
Lemony sank down on the curb and sobbed. If only he hadn't tried to see Beatrice, she would have been left happy in her new life. If only the two of them hadn't stolen back the sugar bowl from Esmé at her tea party. If only his relative hadn't betrayed both himself and Beatrice at the masked ball...
His mind began to give way. The only desire left was for revenge.