Disclaimer in first chapter
Spoilers: anything up to season four
Authors Note: it has come to my attention that Sara and Gil have to much of a background to just jump into bed together. I hope that this explains everything. Thanks to my reviewer for this chapter. Without your words I probably would have just left it as it was.
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"You're my Butterfly"
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Grissom woke up the next morning to an empty bed. His skin still tingled from where Sara had placed hard kisses on him. Just the thought of her naked body made him want her again.
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Sara woke up lying next to Grissom.
'Oh god. What did I do? I came here to talk to him, not fuck him. As soon as he kissed me I-I-I-I just don't know what happened. Actually I do know what happened; I had the best sex of my life.
I can't stay here I have to go.'
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Sara was now sitting at her computer desk. As soon as she got home she wrote Grissom a letter, then logged on to her computer and made reservations for a flight to Canada.
'Shit, I've got to get to work before he gets there, I can't let him see me like this.'
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Grissom walked into his office and found a small envelope on his desk. He opened it and began to read.
Dear Gil,
I remember the first time I fell in love with you. It was about four days into a forensics seminar. You were wearing khaki pants with a blue polo shirt. At first I thought 'great this is just what I need, a crush on my professor.' and then you left. I cried. Can you believe it? My sister thought I was crazy, I had never cried in front of anybody. Since that day you are the only other person I've cried in front of.
Remember that day you told me I shouldn't chase rabbits, and that no victim is special, but then you found that baby. I was so mad at you, but I loved how gentle you were with him, for him. A few months later, when we found that woman in her water tank, I 'brushed chalk off your face'. All I really wanted to do was hold you. Then that case with the twelve year old girl, the one being sexually assaulted by her dad. I just couldn't take it anymore. I had flirted with you for a year! All you did was disrespect me (no it wasn't 'just the hamburger thing') I wanted to leave, just for a little while, sort things out in my head, try to move on, then I got the rose bush and I thought you understood. I came back for you. Then you told me that I was the reason for your interested in beauty, I wanted to kiss you right there on that cold bench. That's when it all seemed to stop. We didn't really work together again until that model that killed herself.
When you found out about hank, you looked so sad; I didn't know what to say. It was the truth when I said that we were only seeing movies together. It only happened once or twice. We were just friends, you didn't believe me, you didn't trust me, and then you went to lady heather. I know that was a while later but it still hurt. Months later, I was being selfish and decided to do something for me. I asked you to dinner, maybe not the best time to ask, but I let myself believe that it was, why? Because you called me 'honey' when we were sitting outside the lab. I fooled myself into thinking you actually cared for me.
Last night was, I don't know, but it wasn't love. It was angry sex and I regret that it wasn't out of love. I was mad. I bet you didn't know that. I don't really know what I'm thinking right now, so before I do something stupid (like sleep with my boss…again) I'm going to take a few days off, a week maybe two. I just don't think I can face you right now. Not yet.
If you need to get a hold of me I'll be in Canada with my sister. Everything you need is in my file. I'll miss you, but I need to think hard about this.
Sara
Xoxoxox
When he was finished reading the letter he let out the breath he had been holding. He was sitting at his desk with a puzzled, hurt look on his face. That's how Catherine found him
"Hey boss, you okay?"
"She's gone"
"Who?"
"Sara. She's in Canada. We spent the night together and when I woke up she was gone. She left me this letter. I don't know what to do"
"Do you love her?"
"Yes I do, but I don't know if I can fix what I've done"
"Well I don't know what to tell you. I can't fix things for you. Why don't you go home and rest. Maybe call her and talk to her"
"Thanks Cath. Are you sure you can handle things tonight? You will be short two people"
"If I need you I can get a hold of you. Don't worry about work, go home and rest"
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Gil drove home to his empty townhouse. He knew she wasn't going to be gone forever, but he felt horrible.
'I should feel like shit. I fucked up, I drove her away. She has every right to leave me.'
He couldn't call her, not yet, so he wrote his own letter.
My dearest Sara,
I don't know what to say. I know that I screwed up, and I'm not trying to make excuses. I've been through a lot in my life. I've never told ANYBODY this. During my time in Canada, at that seminar, I was happily married. She was beautiful and smart, and funny. A lot of the time I can almost see her in you. We had a little girl together, her name was Amy. She was my butterfly. I had been back in Vegas for about a week when I got the call. There had been an accident and they didn't survive. I was at work when the call came in. I wanted to die. That was when I started coming into work early and leaving late. I had just lost the love of my life and I never thought I would love again. Then you showed up. When I heard your voice for the first time in years, I knew I loved you. I couldn't let myself get close to you though. I don't think I could stand to lose another love of my life. I would let you get close, but then I would see what I was doing so I would push you away. I had no choice. At least that's what I told myself.
There is something I should tell you; almost a year ago I had surgery. My hearing was going. When I thought I would never be able to hear your voice again I made an appointment. That's why I couldn't go to dinner with you. My mother had it and past it on to me, I gave it to Amy. She never even got to hear my voice. I would love to have children with you but there would be a very good chance that he/she, or they, would inherit it. I know that we would love them to the end of the earth, but I grew up with a 'strange' family. I was always teased as a kid. I don't want that for our kids.
I love you Sara, with all my heart, I want to be with you. Waking up without you was terrifying. I let my walls down when we had sex. I couldn't believe you were gone.
I told Catherine about us, I didn't show her the letter. I am truly sorry for all the pain I have put you through. When you come back we are going to have to talk some things through, and I'm ready for it.
I love you Sara sidle, and I hope with all my being that you love me too. I miss you so much.
LOVE Gil.
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"Grissom"
"Hey"
"Sara?!"
She sounded sad, like she had been crying.
"Yeah, I got your letter. You should've told me Gil. I didn't know. I feel like shit for how I treated you"
"Sara, I wrote that letter to help you understand why I am how I am. I didn't want you to feel sorry for me"
"Well I do. I want to come home and hold you. I know things aren't resolved between us, and it will take time, but I want to work it all out, but only if your ready…….Gil?"
"I'm here."
"Are you okay?"
"I miss you Sara. Your voice, your smell, your touch, how you taste, I miss all of you"
"My smell? I know that I haven't smelt the same since liquid man, but you could've told me"
"Thanks"
"For what?"
"Talking to me, being my friend and my lover"
"I knew"
"What?"
"About your hearing. When you didn't give an explanation for your leave, I cornered her and made her tell me everything"
"Hmm…I would've loved to see that. Why did you do it?"
"I had to see for myself that you were okay."
"I was fine. I want to see you Sara."
"Turn around"
"What??"
"You heard me"
When he turned in his chair he saw her, standing tall and confident at his door.
"When……"
"I got your letter the other day, with the help of FEDEX. I caught the first flight to Vegas that I could get. I made Catherine promise not to tell you that I was coming back. I just got in an hour ago."
He rushed over to her and held her.
"God Sara, I love you, and I do trust you, and respect you."
"I know you do. I was just angry, at myself and you. It still hurts but I want it to be okay. Will we be okay?"
TBC?