Maggie and Amelia sit down, and she listens just like she promised, but she has a few things of her own to say too. Here we go, chapter 9, picking up from where we left off…

(Sadly none of the ER empire is mine yet, I'm still an impoverish student trying to avoid work!)

Abby, Maggie and Amelia were sitting around Abby's kitchen table, mugs in front of each of them, Maggie was desperately trying to break her way through Amelia's defenses, trying to get her to show some kind of emotion, so far however she wasn't having much success, Amelia had blocked every path she tried to go down with out uttering more than a few words.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you, it was the disease, I never meant for any of it to happen, I'm not the same person you remember any more." Maggie pleaded.

Abby knew this particular speech down to the word; she could practically quote it with Maggie, she stood up gathering her mug and placing the kettle back on the stove for what seemed like the millionth time. She watched her mother and sister quietly for a second as they sat in silence. Amelia's hands linked around her untouched coffee, her fingers picking around the skin on her nails, staring at some indefinable point on the table, a slightly pained expression on her face, Maggie leaning closer towards her, looking intently at her, pleading, trying everything she knew to get through. As Abby watched Amelia pulled her sweater further over her hands until only her fingertips were visible.

"Amelia please, don't think that I didn't love you, don't think that I wanted them to take you away, please." Maggie tried again.

Amelia slowly uncurled herself, un-hunching her shoulders she leaned back against the chair, crossing her arms over her chest, then crossing her legs under the table she looked up from her fixed point in the middle of her coffee and over at Maggie, their eyes meeting. The eagerness in Maggie's eyes was unmistakable, she thought that finally she'd broken through, Abby saw it though, Amelia was on the defensive, she wasn't about to give Maggie an easy ride, if any ride at all.

"Who do you think I remember Maggie?" Amelia asked looking straight into her mother's eyes, a calm hostility clear in her voice.

"What?" Maggie replied.

"You said that you're not the person I remember, who do you think I remember?" She asked still calmly, determined not to loose her composure yet.

"I…I, Amelia, I don't I didn't, it wasn't…" Maggie stammered unable to tear her eyes from Amelia's stony stare.

"D'you want me to tell you?" Amelia asked, not giving Maggie time to reply she continued, "I hardly remember you at all Maggie, I was four years old, I remember bits and pieces, I remember yelling and I remember begging, but I don't remember you as a definable person, part of you was like you are now, full of apologies, full of remorse, Christ Maggie it was never your fault was it? It was always the disease…"

Maggie cut in "It was the disease, I didn't choose it, I didn't want it but…"

"But you had it Maggie, you had it, and you knew it, and you knew what to do about it, and you chose not to do anything." Amelia finished, desperately, showing her emotion for the first time briefly before pulling herself back into check.

"I never meant to hurt you any of you." Maggie said quietly now, looking from Amelia to Abby, as if to reassure her too. Abby looked away hugging herself, knowing that Maggie meant every word she was saying, but also that Amelia was right, she could've sorted herself out sooner, and really she might have been able to get her back, but she would never be rid of it, it would factor into everything, it would be and always had been involved in every part of all of their lives.

"I can't turn the clock back, I can't change yours or Abby's or Eric's lives, but I'm sorry for them, for the things I did to all of you." Maggie sighed. "I love you, and I missed you every day, and I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I wasn't a better mother, but I want to be, I want to be your mother, and I want you to know how sorry I am." Maggie sighed again still looking intently at Amelia, who looked down again, resting her forearms on the table she sighed.

"Maggie." She started looking back over at her. "I don't want apologies from you." She said feelings brimming at the back of her shining eyes. "You've sat here and said every thing you could possibly think of to me, explained it to me, why you think it happened, that you never meant it to, but stop talking like you think I blame you, because I don't, that was your assumption, I've never blamed you for any of it, and I've never said I did, I knew my whole life you were sick, and I knew that it wasn't your fault not really." She sighed again continuing. "The only reason I can think that you keep on saying stuff like this is because you think that you have to, you feel guilty about, about all of it." Amelia looked back down to her hands on the table. "I don't want apologies from you Maggie because…" She paused again breathing deeply looking back up. "Because I don't want anything from you, I don't need a mother now, and I don't think that me being involved in your life or you in mine would make any difference, and I'm sorry for that, but I'm not here for you to relieve any guilt you might feel, I can't take that on, its your thing Maggie, it's yours to deal with, and I don't want to be the reason that you feel it, I don't blame you." Amelia reached over and touched Maggie's hand gently, almost reassuringly. "But I'm not going to say that it's all ok," She continued, "which I think is what you want to hear, because it wasn't, it's not, and beyond that I don't think that there's much I can do for you." Amelia finished pushing her chair back, standing up, retrieving her bag from the floor behind her. "I'm sorry." She said quietly looking down at Maggie. "I'll see you at work." She added to Abby who looked over at her nodding her dark eyes shining as she bit her lip. With that Amelia walked out grabbing her coat from the couch as she went, her calm serenity still in place.