Chapter ten's here, Abby tells Amelia some home truths…
Abby watched Amelia stand up.
"I'm sorry." She heard her say, and something about work. She watched as she walked out, remaining where she was. She saw the apology in Amelia's eyes as she held her head down walking out of the apartment. Abby stood leaning against the counter, she couldn't look at Maggie, she didn't want to look at her. She could feel her emotions bubbling inside her, trying not to let them escape.
"I don't think that there's much I can do for you" Amelia's words echoed over and over in her head, she knew otherwise, she knew that Amelia could change the entire dynamic of their family if she wanted to, she didn't though or she wouldn't. If only she'd let Maggie back in, if she'd just let her be there, if she'd put up with her everything would change, it would make Maggie so happy. It wasn't going to happen though, she could see that now, she knew it before if she was honest. It was Amelia's right, she didn't have to become a part of their family, she hadn't been for too long and she could make her own decisions now as to whether she wanted to be again or not. She thought rationally for a second, her expression changed however as her resentment suddenly flared up, her face changing as she became defensive of her family, she looked harder somehow, frowning slightly, angry at her sister, half sister, she confirmed to herself reassuringly. 'How is this not your responsibility?' she thought. 'Fuck you Amelia, you can't walk in and out of our lives like we don't have feelings, what's that? You'll see me at work? Do you think that I'm independent of Maggie, you think that you can destroy my mother and expect me not to be affected by it, I still care about her.' Abby thought pushing herself off the counter following the route Amelia had taken only moments before. Maggie said nothing as she left, hardly noticing Abby storming out of the apartment.
Amelia felt her knees buckle as soon as she closed the door behind her, she paused briefly leaning on the wall outside Abby's apartment, breathing heavily she pushed herself off the wall, grabbing the handle of the banisters steadying herself as she walked down the stairs, heading towards the exit. As soon as the cold outside air hit her face she felt the lump in her throat explode and her eyes cloud over. She wasn't someone who cried, not ever, she didn't want to cry for Maggie, she'd given up crying for her mother when she was five years old, and she didn't want to start again now, however hard she tried though she couldn't stem their flow, they kept coming in a steady trickle down her cheeks, making her vision fuzzy as she tried to blink back the tears.
Abby bolted down the stairs pushing her front door open, quickly scanning the street in both directions, she saw Amelia walking slowly away and ran towards her; the thin sweater she was wearing doing little to defer the cold night air.
"Amelia." She yelled as she caught up. Amelia stopped abruptly but didn't turn around, standing stationary as she allowed Abby to catch up with her.
Abby grabbed Amelia's arm as she reached her, spinning her around.
"What the hell was that Amelia?" Abby raged her grip tightening on Amelia's upper arm.
Amelia sniffed angrily using her free hand to vigorously wipe away her tears, ashamed that Abby had caught her crying, that anyone had caught her crying. After a second she pulled her arm back, away from her older sister standing opposite her.
"What was that?" Abby questioned again angrily, ignoring the signs of defeat Amelia was showing. "You think you can just walk in and out of our lives like that, leaving me to pick up the pieces?" Abby continued, "She's not seen you since you were like four and you walk in there, into my apartment and tell her that you're not even willing to try?" Abby continued to rant. "Waving temptation in her face and then taking it away like it's some kind of a game." Abby stared at her, any respect she had for her gone.
Amelia stared away, looking at the cars passing by them, her attention not really focused on anything as she let Abby's words wash over her.
"You're fucking selfish, you know that?" Abby spat, resigned to the fact she wasn't going to get Amelia to talk to her but wanting to get her last two cents in. She watched for a couple more seconds silently waiting for a reply, Amelia still wouldn't meet her eyes and then she turned away, saying nothing more before heading back towards her apartment.
"You have no idea do you?" Amelia said to Abby's retreating form, just loud enough for her to hear, she could have chosen to ignore it but she didn't, slowly she turned back around. Their eyes locked as Amelia continued to speak. "You have no idea how much it took for me to come here tonight do you?" she asked shaking her head. Abby looked at her for a long second listening. "I thought about the three of you almost constantly for over fifteen years, and now my life's sorted I have to do it all over again." Amelia said quietly, pausing, "And now, now I'm fucking selfish for giving you the time of day?" Amelia said the irony evident in her voice, which was rising, the shameful tearstains still on her cheeks. "You asked me to come here tonight, you asked me to talk to her, to listen to her and I did, I have, I've done every thing you asked of me, because I felt I owed it to her and to you, there's nothing I wanted to do less but I did it" Amelia laughed bitterly shaking her head slowly, turning to walk away. "If I'm fucking selfish what the hell are the two of you?" She threw back over her shoulder quietly, bitterly, as she headed in the opposite direction.
"No" Abby shook her head vehemently, taking a couple of steps towards Amelia adamant that she wasn't going to take the blame for any of this she grabbed her again. This time though, without Abby pulling her Amelia spun round violently.
"What the fuck do you want from me?" Amelia yelled, her patients snapping as she stared angrily at Abby.
Abby was taken aback by Amelia's sudden display of rage, never having seen her angry side before she was startled and took a step back, raising her eyebrows slightly.
"I …I want …" She started, and she was about to go on when Amelia cut in angrily.
"What you want me to do is go back in there and tell her everything will be fine, that everything is ok that I love her, that I still think of her like she's my mother, like she's had a big effect on my life, like not a day has gone by when I haven't thought of her, of all of you, you want this to be a happily ever after and it, it cant be and I won't make it, I won't because my life has been full of so much shit that it can't be a happy ending and I'm not going to make it, not for you and certainly not for her, I just sat in there Abby and told her that I didn't blame her, and that's the truth, I don't, but I don't want to and I won't forgive her, for not stopping it." Amelia stopped, suddenly feeling the unfamiliar lump forming in her throat again. Abby watched as she shut her eyes turning her head away, only opening them again when she was certain Abby wouldn't be in her eye line. She stood there stunned for a minute, watching Amelia's face, looking over at the buildings a sad, angry expression on her face and it struck her just how much she looked like Maggie and herself, a blonde haired blue eyed version, but it was definitely there, god, how had people not figured it out before? She thought.
"Why can't it be a happily ever after?" Abby asked quietly taking another step towards Amelia, knowing that she didn't believe in happily ever after's herself, and fairly sure that Amelia wouldn't either, but it was the question that mattered as Amelia looked back over at her.
"You know it can't be." Amelia replied shaking her head in confirmation.
They stood in an awkward silence for a second.
"Why?" Abby asked, "I could do with one." She added quietly smiling a little.
"I can't." Amelia replied her eyes watering; still trying to keep the lump in her throat from making it's presence known through her eyes. "Self protection." Amelia added.
"I thought you were shit at that." Abby replied remembering their conversation on the roof at county.
"Not when it really matters." Amelia replied.
"You don't need to protect yourself from her." Abby countered.
"Ha" Amelia half laughed, "I can't Abby, not just now, I can't be your happy ending, I'm having a hard enough trying to find my own." She added quietly. Abby saw all the serenity and calm fade from her younger sisters persona, it was replaced by doubt, fear and sorrow as she watched. Amelia pulled her coat closer around her and she became aware for the first time that she was only wearing a sweater, she crossed her arms, trying vainly to conserve some of her own body heat. Again they stood in silence momentarily.
"It's freezing, do you want to come back up? Maggie will probably've gone to bed." Abby offered
"I have to go home." Amelia replied, not wanting to go any where near Abby's apartment again tonight.
"Ok." Abby nodded, adding "I'll see you then."
Amelia nodded reassuring herself more than anything. Abby saw her try to smile slightly, sadly before she turned and carried on down the route Abby had originally intercepted her from.
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