Ch11

Amelia walked away from her sister alone, thoughts cascading through her mind, after a short period of aimless ambling she found herself outside a twenty-four hour coffee shop, unwilling to go home she pushed her way inside. Setting herself up in a corner booth she ordered a diet coke, her biggest addiction in her view, although as she lit up her cigarette, pulling the ashtray towards her she felt some might disagree. The waitress delivered the soda and she ran her fingers down the sides of the freezing glass, making patterns in the condensation with her nails.

She sat alone in silence for an age, her thoughts tumbling over one another, fighting for prominence. Initially her memories turned to those of Abby and Eric and Maggie, as much as she tried all she could remember were the good times with them, she knew, deep in her heart that it was, by no means always good, she knew that there'd been horrific times, but Abby and Eric had protected her so much from that, that she couldn't see them as clearly as the times when the four of them had been happy, laughing, playing. She remembered the times when Maggie had been sick, when 'Mom wasn't feeling well' as she'd been told, and she could remember then, climbing into Maggie's bed, curling up next to her to go to sleep, rarely being pushed away if she curled up into the tightest ball she could be, then frequently waking up to find Abby struggling to carry her back from Maggie's room to her own bed, telling her not to do it again, she always had.

Inevitably her thoughts followed on to those when she was first in care, initially not understanding why she was there, not knowing why she wasn't at home with her Mom and brother and sister, every time being told it was because her Mom wasn't a good Mom, that she couldn't cope with a little girl like Amelia, she was crippled with guilt at the time, she cringed as she thought of it, the scars still deeply embedded in her soul, the type that never truly go away. Other thoughts cascaded through her mind too, of the other kids, the kids that missed their families as well, the ones she used to sit in corners quietly with, the ones she used to run around with playing tag, and the older kids who were in one of two gangs, the nice kids and the bullies, the social workers whose turnover was almost as high as the children's. She thought briefly of her first foster home with Nanny and Pop, as everyone called them, she was five and a half when she arrived and almost eight when she left, she loved it there, with seven other kids of all ages, and two of the kindest people she'd ever met. She skimmed over their deaths, somehow that memory being almost too awful to relive.

She settled on her next foster home experience when she was nine, her most distressing care experience, somehow as much as she hated it, it pushed itself to the front of her mind, and she'd learned over the years that letting it run it's course was easier than trying to push it away. In her mind it was her last childhood experience, being stripped by her fat foster mother and forced to have sex with her twelve year old foster brother, he was equally as unenthusiastic, she remembered being instructed to stroke his 'thing' until it stood up, being chastised for her hands being to cold, somehow they wouldn't warm up; and so her foster mother did it for her, all the while telling her how much trouble she could get into for it, she could remember his tears against her bony shoulder and the pain as his hips hit her own time and time again more clearly than anything else. She remembered being determined not to cry then, not wanting to show them that it hurt, not wanting to break under their gleeful gaze and sordid encouragement. She was broken.

Amelia rubbed her eyes with the palms of her hands, sighing trying to remove the mental images, as she skimmed through the next seven years in care which were by no means so bad, she actually remembered enjoying quite a lot of it. She was sixteen when she'd been freed from care, deciding she was old enough to go out into the big wide world on her own. Thinking back now she wasn't quite sure how she'd stayed in school through it all. She'd gone to New York then, and that was when she'd got lucky, she'd met Birdie and Ed, the people she likened most to parents in her life, they'd run a bar, and after a very unsuccessful day of job hunting she'd walked in and ordered a double vodka straight up, she could remember Birdie's words like it was yesterday and she smiled as she heard the thick cockney accent in her mind, the woman with the foulest mouth and the biggest smile in the world. 'Fucking hell luv', you must've had a rough day, you look like shit, but you gotta' know that I ain't gonna serve you that, you cant be more than fourteen, I'll give ya' a coke on the house and you can tell me your woes." She remembered her over made up face and her twinkling green eyes, with a wicked glint as she added a large measure of vodka to the coke. That was how she'd got into college, Birdie and Ed had taken her on as a buss boy effectively with a few other jobs thrown in for good measure there and then, three months later she'd reluctantly let them give her a room in their apartment above the bar, moving her out of her hostel, she'd worked for free and lived rent free, Birdie had watched over her, made sure she'd gone to school, 'Me' she'd said one day, 'I couldn't do fucking nuffink at school, you my darlin' you're gonna make me proud.' She'd always been good at school, if nothing else that had been her savior. When she was eighteen she was upgraded to a bar dancer and barmaid, 'Nothing sleazy Doc' Ed had assured her when he presented the idea of the juke box and routines to the barmaids, and we'll have the boys looking out for you.' The boys were Ed and Birdies three sons, who all looked like heavyweight boxers but wouldn't hurt a fly. 'They'll be the death of me them three' she used to tell Amelia on a regular basis. Amelia had become 'Doc' to everyone in the bar the minute she'd told Birdie she wanted to go to medical school, they'd never doubted her. She'd also told Birdie everything about care, she was the only person she'd ever told, and Birdie had promised her she'd take the revelations to the grave, exclaiming 'the fucking cunts.' She couldn't have summed it up better herself. She'd also told Birdie every thing she remembered about Maggie and Abby and Eric. 'They sound like good people luv, but you ain't gonna do yourself no favors living in the past.' Birdie had assured her. Birdie, Ed and 'the boys' were the first real family Amelia had ever had.

When Amelia had gone to Birdie at twenty-two, three years into medical school, six years after meeting her for the first time, and told her that she was pregnant Birdie had exclaimed that she'd always wanted a grandchild, Amelia's enormous doubts had been comforted by Birdie's enthusiasm. Again Birdie had pulled through, telling her that if she didn't want a child it was up to her but if she had it Birdie would make sure she'd be ok, adding 'I'll make you a deal, you stop telling me about the shit that comes out of the bloody human body and I'll look after the little one for you."

After Amelia gave birth to Lauren, Birdie and Ed were the first people to meet her, and they took her on as their own, loving her from the first minute. They'd been the first people to meet Jasper as well after they'd been dating for almost a month, 'bring the fucker over, I need to see he's good enough before you get too attached.' Birdie had fallen immediately in lust with him, and the fact he was English did a lot to improve him in Ed's book too.  The day Amelia graduated was the last time she'd danced on the bar, she'd loved the job, it was a release, but she'd told Birdie then, being a Doctor and a bar dancer weren't two jobs that would necessarily go hand in hand. They'd laid on the biggest graduation party New York had ever seen in their hip down-town bar, and Amelia couldn't help but smile as she thought of the night, almost everyone she'd met at school had been there, and Birdie had insisted that it wasn't every day that Lauren would get to see her mother become a Doctor so she let her stay up, and at one stage she was even dancing on the bar with her and Birdie and the other girls 'she's a natural.' Birdie had said to Amelia's horror, she was two.

Amelia's thoughts were interrupted unceremoniously when she heard the shrill ring of her cell phone coming from her bag. She glanced at her watch, surprised, noting that she'd been sitting there for almost an hour and a half. She flipped open her cell.

"Hi." She said smiling as she heard Jaspers distinctive British accent on the other end.

"Where are you?" He asked

"I'm in a coffee shop, where are you?" She answered.

"Home, and I'm lonely, Lauren's asleep." He said cheerily, adding, "Why are you in a coffee shop at quarter past ten?"

"Thinking." She replied.

"Yeah, anything interesting?" He asked.

"Bit's and pieces." She told him, adding. "I'm gonna come home now."

"Ok babe, I'll see you in a bit." He said concluding and hung up, she flipped her cell shut paid for her drink and headed home.