Secrets and Shadows: What You Don't Know
Part Two
Glasses clinked noisily in the bar, and the scent of cooking steak wafted out through the room, underpinned by baked potatoes and something spicy. The laughter and conversation around them ebbed and flowed, rising and falling in a rhythm unrelated to the beat of the band who howled out their tune through the background speakers of O'Malley's bar and grill on a Thursday night.
They'd dropped by the bar on the way to Dixon's place from another set of interviews up at Petersen. Only one of this lot had seemed any good to him, but he'd wait until tomorrow and their meeting with Hammond to discuss the matter with Dixon.
Since they were heading back early, Dixon had suggested a quick drink before heading home. "Give Bel a chance to order the kids into tidying up the house," the married man had suggested with a twinkle in his eye.
So they'd dropped into O'Malley's, and were sitting there, talking over everything from the recent election to the scars their respective teams had gained through the years. In an hour or so, they'd head out for Dixon's, where they'd meet Carter and Daniel, have dinner, then drive back to the base for the night.
The time out of the mountain was a nice change. Living on the base for the last two days had once again made Jack aware of how much he appreciated the sky overhead and the earth beneath his feet. When all was said and done, Jack was an outdoorsy kind of guy.
He'd just about relaxed, with good company and a good beer, when Dixon's eyes narrowed as his gaze drifted over Jack's shoulder. "Don't look now, but I think we're about to get a visit from a pissed-off cop."
Jack didn't turn around. He didn't need to.
A moment later, there was a hand on the table beside his elbow, and Shanahan edged into his peripheral vision. If the pugnacious set of the jaw was any indication, he was spoiling for a fight.
"Detective," he said, keeping his voice light.
"Colonel."
Jack glanced at Dixon, saw the other man's eyes take in someone else behind him. He trusted Dixon to give him adequate warning if anything went down. But surely even Shanahan wasn't so stupid as to force a confrontation like this.
Oh what the hell. Might as well plunge into the fray. "Have you called Carter to apologise, yet?"
"What for?"
"You know perfectly well what for."
Bitterness contorted the soft features into brief anger, "Is it mine?"
What do you take Carter for? "What do you think?" Jack asked acidly. Oh, this was a waste of time. Shanahan was going to believe what he wanted to believe, just the same way he'd believed that Carter's work was a threat to his relationship with her and followed her around so he could find out what she did. Nothing Jack could do or say was going to stop that.
But he regretted that Carter would pay the price in uncertainty and bitter accusation.
"You had your chance, O'Neill," Shanahan's words were ugly and Jack froze. "Your son is dead. Don't think you can take my child."
Dixon blew his breath out, waiting for the explosion.
He should have known Jack better than that.
"No-one," he said, icily, "Could ever replace my son." Especially not Carter's child by another man. He turned and looked up at Shanahan, staring him in the face with the most implacable, 'Do not fuck with me' expression he had developed in his years with the Air Force. "Nobody's taking anything from you that you haven't already thrown aside." Including a woman who is worth more than both of us put together.
"And what if I pick it back up again?"
"You're assuming she'd have you back." Personally, after the kinds of accusations Shanahan had been tossing around, Jack doubted anything would induce Carter to take this guy back. Even Carter wasn't that much of a masochist.
"She took you back." The sneer was calculated, and Jack stiffened for a moment, wishing he could turn around and slam his fist into Shanahan's face.
Restraint, Jack.
It would feel damned good in the moment to turn and snap the guy's neck like a piece of balsawood. Funny how Carter had dated the man for four months, and it was only after she'd dumped him that Jack felt the violent urges breaking out.
"It's probably a good idea to get your facts straight before making accusations, Detective." Jack leaned on the professional rank. "And right now, you're walking a fine line."
The memories rose in his mind, of Teal'c's bandaged form, of Daniel's wrecked house, of his burned-out truck. He pushed them away. You don't know that he did it. Of course, he didn't know that Shanahan hadn't done it either, only that if Shanahan continued in this vein much longer, Jack's instincts were going to get the better of his judgement and then there would well and truly be trouble.
It's complicated as it is, he reminded himself. Don't make it more so. And there was Carter to think about - Carter who was already struggling with the issues of her pregnancy and the father of her child.
Jack felt the urge to punch Shanahan grow that much stronger.
Thankfully, Dixon intervened. "The inestimable Detective Shanahan, I take it? Do you mind?" The edge in his voice was plain, and Shanahan was unsettled by the unexpected interruption. "We are trying to sit and have a quiet drink here. Now, I understand that you have issues with my friend here, but frankly, so does half the Air Force and the Vice President of the United States of America. So take a number, and get in line."
Dixon, Jack decided, without a smile, had a very abrasive way with words. Add to that the muscular bulk of the younger Colonel and the way Dave could give people the impression that he was calculating just how much money you had in your wallet and whether he could take you out quietly...
Someone had once said that David Dixon had the look in his eyes of a thug who'd decided that the best way to beat others up was in a legit fashion and proceeded to join the armed forces. As jokes went, it was a pretty flat one, if frighteningly accurate.
One of Shanahan's companions murmured something, and it was enough to tip the balance. It was one thing to stand by while your mate baited another guy; but a pair of roused Air Force Colonels were another matter entirely.
"I'll have my kid one way or the other," Shanahan blustered. "You just remember that."
Jack wasn't likely to forget it. But he held his tongue and his temper as the cop walked away.
Then he dragged his hands through his hair and sighed. God, what a mess!
"I thought the Major had better taste than that," Dave muttered. "Guess even the smart ones get dumb sometimes."
"Yeah." And that was about all Jack was up to saying on the topic of Carter and Pete Shanahan right now.
He really hoped this behaviour in Shanahan was just the disppointment speaking. And hey, Jack could understand disappointment. He'd have felt the same way if his situation with Sara had been like it.
He just wouldn't have done to Sara what Shanahan was doing to Carter.
The accusations, the obsession, the uncertainty - it was getting to Carter, slowly and surely. Oh, she was blocking a lot of it out in preparation for the visit to Targonia in two days' time, but Jack was used to reading Carter in all her moods and tempers. Between her professional and her personal life, she was stressed.
It disturbed him to think that all this had come out of a couple of bad choices.
He wondered how deliberate Carter's choices were in the end. The words of Daniel's therapist friend echoed in his ears, "Sometimes, a woman will make what she subconsciously knows is a bad choice, rather than face being alone." Was that why Carter had taken up with Shanahan? To avoid being alone?
Or was it simpler than that? Was it just that she'd been in love?
In some ways, that almost seemed worse than the idea that Carter had made a bad choice to avoid the loneliness.
Jack didn't know what to think, what to do. Even without considering the possibility of Shanahan's involvement in the recent spate of misfortune for SG-1, he wasn't an unbiased player. Yet, in the face of Carter's pregnancy, everyone seemed to look at him as the person whose lead they should follow. For crying out loud, he was her former commanding officer, not her...not the man who'd... Jesus. He couldn't even think it past his internal censors!
What did that make him?
"You know," Dixon said into the silence, "You could do yourself a favour and just admit it bothers you."
"What?" A moment later, Jack realised that the sense of déjà vu came from having heard the same speech from Daniel only yesterday.
Dave's gesture was broad, encompassing a lot of things. "The whole situation. Major Carter's pregnancy, her ex's shenanigans, the way everyone's waiting for you to blow..."
Jack glared at Dixon. "What do you mean, the way everyone's waiting for me to blow?"
This time the silence was long. The younger officer stared at the table for a long moment then raised his eyes to Jack's. "It's not much of a secret when the only ones who aren't admitting it are the two involved," he said quietly.
Which pretty much put paid to the idea that nobody had noticed anything. Lovely.
"We're not... There's nothing..." How easily the denial fell from his lips. Smooth. Practised. Completely untrue.
Jack remembered the moment he realised Carter had a date - a hum-worthy one. He remembered the moment he realised he couldn't even dredge respect for the man she'd chosen over him, and how bitter the taste of defeat had been on his tongue. He remembered the drug-assisted relief as Daniel told him Carter had broken it off after the man crossed one too many lines for her liking. And he remembered the wracking agony, a torture as brutal as any he'd experienced in Iraq, as he looked at Carter and realised that she was carrying another man's child.
His mouth twisted and he didn't deny any more.
"Okay, that was a bit of an exaggeration, too," Dixon said, somewhat apologetically. "Nothing's happened. I can believe that. But you guys are so edgy about it."
"And how do you know all this?"
"Jack, you know how the deal works. We're supposed to keep an eye on worrying situations. Monitor the people under us. Make sure rumours don't go wild."
In the background music, someone was chanting something about walking five hundred miles. Jack wondered if that was comparable to crossing several hundred light-years to look for someone amidst the ruins of an Alpha site, with no idea if they were alive or dead.
Nobody gets left behind.
"So," he asked his friend, "What do you think?"
It was a calculated risk, asking the opinion a fellow officer - one who, in other commands, would be duty bound to report such a conversation to their superiors.
Dixon's jaw dropped. "You want to know what I think?"
"Yeah."
"It's none of my business."
"Make it your business," Jack retorted. "You're already halfway into enemy territory, just come out and say it."
"Gotta say, Jack, you have a way with words," Dixon said with a snort. "Enemy territory?" He sobered a little. "You want to know what I think?"
"Didn't I say that?"
There was a long and thoughtful pause. "You care about her," the other man said bluntly. "Doesn't take a genius to see that. And it's not skin, either. But the way you guys behave, even professionally, says there's a shitload more going on in here," he tapped over his chest, "than either of you let on." He shrugged. "Never seen it noticeably impact your professional work. You're still alive, so is she, so's your team."
"She was going out with Shanahan." Jack tried to squash the pang of betrayal he still felt, thinking about Carter and Shanahan. Not his business. Never had been. Never would be.
"Situations change, emotions don't." Dixon paused, as if he was pondering something. Jack watched him, but didn't ask. If Dave wanted to tell, he'd tell; if he didn't, well, that was Dave's business.
Finally, the other man leaned over his beer bottle and met his gaze square on, without waver. "Bel and I went through a rough patch about seven years ago. It was nasty."
Nasty wasn't the word for it. Jack could read between the lines. He could see the way the memory still affected Dixon. His jaw was utterly rigid and the fingers were clenched around the glass bottle as if he were trying to break it. Whatever 'nasty' thing had happened, it had left deep scars on the other man.
Jack wondered if he'd looked the same while Carter was dating Shanahan.
"We got through it. Mostly because of the kids at first," he said, slowly. "But you know what it's like to...to care. Might be easier if you didn't, but that's not something you can help. You just...do." He shrugged, as if a bit ashamed of his confession. "And the situation will change again and it gets easier. You don't forget the hard time, but you don't actively remember it either. And you don't stop..." He glanced down into his beer glass. "You don't stop loving her."
Jack felt the truth of the other man's words like a bullet in his chest.
Yeah, Jack understood. He hadn't stopped loving her. He'd just...put it aside for a while. He'd sublimated it with Melissa. He'd ignored it as best he could.
But nothing had changed.
"You asked me what I think?" Dixon was watching him, and Jack shrugged a shoulder. "I think you're either mad or a saint to have kept your hands off her for this long. Probably mad," he added, smirking a little. "Cause a saint you definitely ain't, Jack."
Jack couldn't argue. He'd asked Dave for his opinion, half-expecting to have the rule book quoted back at him. He should have known better. Dave wasn't the type of the rules where they didn't fit. It didn't stop him from an acid retort.
"Gee, thanks."
"I tell it like I see it." Dixon gave him a long and measuring look. "So, you're not going to do anything about the Major's ex?"
"What am I supposed to do?" Jack asked, cynically. He felt a little irritated by Dave's expectation that he should do something about Shanahan. "I've already been accused of threatening him - although where he got that idea, I don't know..."
"You're a terrifying guy, Jack. I'm shaking in my boots here..."
"Funny, Dave. No. The guy seems to be a pro at digging his own grave. I don't need to do anything to help him in that."
"Now if only he'd dig it deep enough to bury himself in it completely," Dixon muttered.
The idea that Dixon was more intent on being rid of Shanahan than Jack was somehow amusing. "And here I thought Daniel was the one who hated the guy."
Dixon shrugged, "He didn't strike me as the type to be sympathetic towards."
Jack was willing to concede that. "It's not your business, Dave. It's not my business either."
And that was the end of it as far as Jack was concerned. No, he didn't like Shanahan; there were no surprises there. He'd found himself hard-pressed to respect the man, even on Carter's adoration. Perhaps there was no small amount of prejudice there, but for starters, it wasn't as though he spent all that much time in Shanahan's company; and secondly, it wasn't as though Carter needed his approval of her dates.
"And if it became your business?"
"It wouldn't." He met the other Colonel's gaze steadily. If Dixon said one more thing in that direction...
Dave had good self-preservation instincts. He changed the topic. "Hey, I heard something about Hammond calling a base meeting tomorrow morning."
"Yeah. Oh, and Daniel was looking for Balinsky earlier today. Cultural stuff about the Targonians."
"Cultural stuff. Figures." Dixon spoke affectionately, for all that his words were deprecating. While the more military-minded personnel made fun of their cultural and linguistic team-mates, most had found a happy co-existence on their various teams. It could make for some personality and mission clashes, but also for broader horizons - and some good teasing potential. "Balinsky nearly chewed my ear off when he first heard about the Targonians. I fobbed him off onto Wells."
"Hey, at least you weren't there when Daniel realised the implications of whatever the Targonians were going on about," Jack retorted. "Luckily for Teal'c and I, Peyton seemed willing enough to listen to him go on about it." He didn't add that if Carter had been part of the conversation, he would have been a bit more willing to listen to what was being said. He wouldn't have understood any more of it, but he would have listened.
"Ever noticed that they all seem to ramble a lot? Bosworth figures it's the academic thing. They gotta sound important, so they use a lot of words."
"Carter claims it's the thinking process," Jack told him. "Something about the type of mind that processes things in the foreground instead of the background. Logical vs intuitive - or some stuff like that." He'd been listening to Carter's explanation, he just hadn't remembered any of it. But it had made sense at the time.
"So which are we?"
"Intuitive, apparently." That was probably the bit which had confused him. "She said something about coming to the correct conclusion based on fragmentary evidence. But then she said something about Daniel being both intuitive and logical..." He shrugged. "I only understand half of what she says half the time anyway."
"I think that can be said of almost everyone on the base, Jack." Dixon shook his head. "We're gonna lose a damn good Major when she goes, Jack."
"Tell me something I don't know."
Dixon grinned, then glanced down at his wristwatch. His mouth twisted, "Okay, we'd better get out of here soon or we're going to be late."
Oh yeah, Dixon was whipped. Jack hid a smirk, and drained the rest of his glass. "Can't have that, can we?"
Out in the parking lot, Dixon paused. "Earlier, you asked how many people 'know.'"
"Yeah." He eyed the other man warily over the hood of the Rover.
"You'd go to hell for one of your team, Jack. That's common knowledge. But you'd do only marginally less for anyone on the base. And that's common knowledge, too." Dixon fished around in his pockets for the keys. "This is going to sound cheesy, so if you ever tell anyone I said this, I'll completely deny it. I have a reputation to keep as a hard-ass Colonel."
There was the momentary suggestion of a twinkle in Dixon's face as he regarded his friend. "The reason I, or Hammond, or any other man, woman or alien on the base trusts you is because, in a pinch, you'll do the right thing, Jack. That's what I know from experience. And what you feel for Major Carter, or your team, or anyone on the base doesn't mean shit."
Daniel had said as much once, a long time ago, after Jack had shot Carter to drive the electrical entity out from her. Jack had half-listened at the time, but dismissed it, too caught up in his self-guilt to really listen.
It was surprising how much more it meant coming from Dave. Not to insult Daniel, but the difference was that Dixon knew the kind of organisation the Air Force could be. He'd risen through the ranks in just the same way that Jack had, and he'd seen what could happen if the personal got in the way of the professional.
He knew the deal, both the military side and the personal side of things.
And he was saying that Jack had never yet crossed that line from Dave's obseration.
That meant a lot to Jack.
Once again, Jack found himself saying, "Thanks."
Dave smirked slightly. "You're welcome, Jack. Now get your ass into the car. Dinner's waiting."