Thanks so much for the ongoing reviews, they are all awesome, and very much appreciated, there are a few responses at the end, thanks so much again and I hope you continue to enjoy this. Xx K
Ch 27
"Have you seen Amelia?" Abby asked Sam as she exited the elevator in the ER. She been to the cafeteria, the roof, over to Ikes, everywhere she could think of in the last forty-five minutes in search of her, she seemed to have disappeared into thin air after she rounded the corner upstairs.
"Mackenzie?" Sam asked.
"Yeah." Abby replied, nodding.
"Um, no but I only just got on, Lewis's been here a while though she might know." Sam offered, adding. "How's her kid?" before Abby could head off to continue her search.
"The same." She replied.
"If you find her tell her I said 'hi' will you?" Sam asked kindly, heading back over to triage.
"Susan, Susan." Abby shouted seeing her heading away from the admit desk. Turning Susan looked back towards the voice.
"Hey, I didn't think you were on." Susan said frowning.
"Have you seen Amelia?" Abby asked getting straight to the point.
"She's crashed out in the Lounge, how's she doing?" Susan asked frowning.
"I don't know, I don't think either of them are coping that well." Abby half smiled, relieved to have found Amelia at last, heading into the lounge. She found Amelia curled up on the couch, she was asleep, a pained, restless expression on her face, her hair damp, she'd obviously had a shower somewhere before passing out, she was wearing the same jeans she'd had on since she'd brought Lauren in four days ago, with a different long sleeved t-shirt and two scrub tops over the top, she was shivering slightly in her sleep. Abby sighed looking down at her. She hadn't seen Amelia asleep since she was four, she remembered how she used to have to go and remove her from Maggie's room whenever Maggie was depressed, how she used to sit on her bed beside her until she fell back to sleep, how she used to yell at her all the time when she was naughty, and how Amelia used to stare back, almost blankly when she knew Abby was really mad, she'd always known when she wasn't though, and then Amelia would just try her best not to smile. Amelia had always been so open when she was little, quiet but open, always trying to smile, through everything, even then you could see the cogs working in her mind, trying to figure out a way to make a situation better, however irreversibly bad it was. She pulled up a chair as she thought, staring down at Amelia. She'd never really seen how small she was, when she was a baby she'd been tiny, Abby remembered the first time she'd seen her, curled up in an incubator, in the same position she was lying in now, her hands in tight fists around her face, her back rounded, her knees curled into her chest, a tiny ball. She was taller than Abby now, not much but a little, as she lay curled on the couch she looked minute though, so vulnerable, just as she had in the first few days of her life as she lay trying to rectify all of Maggie's mistakes as she continued her life outside of her mother. Even then, at the age of nine as she stared down at her tiny new baby sister Abby had hoped that she wouldn't make it, that somehow she'd give up that she'd realise then, at three day's old that any mother who could put her in this position didn't need her to survive, couldn't deal with it if she did. Abby closed her eyes as she thought about it, sighing inwardly, shaking her head slightly as she looked back at Amelia, she'd never wanted her here, in this world, as part of their family, it wasn't something anyone should be born into, it wasn't something she felt anyone else should have to deal with, and yet, now, Amelia was the most positive thing that had come from their family, yet she was still not a part of it, she'd grown up away from it, from them, she didn't share Maggie's eccentricities or Eric's rebellion, or her own negativities, she had their survival instinct, she'd had that since she was born, to get through her first few day's of life she'd had to have it, but she'd developed something else as well, something Abby couldn't see in any of the rest of them, maybe it had been from her father, wherever the hell he was, maybe it was something she'd found having to look after herself form the age of four, but it was something, something that she couldn't put her finger on, it was something like stubbornness, but wasn't a stubbornness like Maggie's, or a defiance like her own it was something else, her body bore it even now as she slept, it was in her face, in her demeanour, it was a determination, whether born through nature or nurture it was a determination to go on regardless, a determination to fight everything that was placed in her way, she acted quietly, but rebelliously, like every rule that had been placed in her life was there to be bent or broken, like nothing was set in stone, nothing couldn't be proved wrong, nothing couldn't be challenged, like stereotypes couldn't be broken, that's what Amelia was, she was an exception to the rules, she was a product of the care system, she was the product of a bi-polar mother and a father who was looking for an easy lay, but you wouldn't know it, somehow amongst all of the odds that had been stacked against her since day one she'd pulled through and she still had the spark in her eye as far as Abby could see, she still had life in her that she was willing to fight for and she'd make it. She just hoped like hell that Lauren shared her mother's determination, she was her mother's carbon copy in appearance, Christ, she needed to be her carbon copy in personality. She continued to stare at Amelia, images flashed in front of her eyes as she did, like an old black and white movie, of Amelia as a baby, of Amelia as a grinning toddler, of Amelia as the little girl who followed her in and out of rooms, trailing behind her, she'd been like a limpet, as soon as she could shuffle around on the floor of their front room she always been attached to someone. But now, the reason she and Maggie and Amelia were in this same hospital wasn't something to do with family circumstance, beyond the fact that they were family, it wasn't the psychology of their family anymore, that had absolutely nothing to do with their situation now, it wasn't something that happened only to them, that had destroyed them so comprehensively, and so many times in her mind, this was purely physical, and it wasn't Maggie, and it wasn't Eric, this was Lauren, Lauren who was so new in her life, who was the rout of Amelia, this was the only innocent member of their family, the only one who hadn't caused any of the others any harm, the only one who was bringing them all together. She was it, and she was struggling.
Abby held her finger to her lips as she heard the door open, looking up towards the sound she smiled weakly, but genuinely at Susan indicating Amelia, making sure she would be quiet, none the less Amelia shifted, both Susan and Abby froze in their positions as Amelia readjusted herself and fell back into her anguished slumber. Susan made her way quietly to her locker.
"I'm heading out for food d'you want anything?" She whispered, concern carved on her forehead as she spoke. Abby stole a look at Amelia before scribbling a 'Do not disturb!' and getting up.
"I'll come with you." She whispered back heading to her locker and pulling out her own jacket and a spare sweater, which she laid by Amelia before following Susan, taping the notice to the lounge door before heading out.
"You're up, here." Abby said handing Amelia a coffee and soda along with a brown bag containing a hamburger as well as every conceivably appetising high sugar treat she'd found in the jumbo mart.
"Thanks." Amelia smiled wanly taking the coffee appreciatively placing the bag beside her. Abby looked at her staring out into the space of the ambulance bay vacantly, she waited a beat before tentatively sitting beside her.
"You feeling any better?" She asked quietly looking out following Amelia's gaze, almost afraid to look back at her. She heard a small ironic laugh emanate from beside her.
"I knew as soon as I went to sleep that I'd be exhausted." Amelia said matter-of-factly, rubbing her temple. "I had that split second after you wake up but before you wake up properly, where you can't quite remember where you are or why your there, d'you know what I'm talking about?" She asked not deviating her gaze; Abby nodded regardless, her jaw tensed. "I had this one blissful split second where I didn't know that Lauren was upstairs, where I thought that she was at home, in bed and I was just at work, I don't want to go to sleep again, that second where you realise that everything's not ok..." She trailed off shaking her head swallowing hard as Abby looked back at her, and she ran her hand through her hair sighing. "I'd quite happily never sleep again if it meant I could avoid that one second where it dawns on you." She sighed closing her eyes still shaking her head. Abby stayed silent getting the impression that Amelia was prepared to carry on, that on some level she needed to just be aloud to talk, to get it all out and she was proved right as the silence was broken and Amelia continued to ramble her thoughts coursing over one another. "We see so many parents come through these doors, and you do what you can for their kids, eighty percent of the time the kids are fine but when their not," She paused shaking her head again looking over and into Abby's eyes, meeting hers with emotion. "I've said I'm sorry to so many parents and I learned not to see Lauren in all of those kids, but you still feel for them, every time I do it I still think about Lauren, and how I'd feel if it was someone telling me it was her." Amelia looked back out, her eyes focused on the 'J' on the sign across the street, looking into Abby's eyes was too hard, she needed to get it out she needed someone to know how she felt, "I've sat in that room for four days," Once again she paused, she couldn't quite figure out how much she was supposed to say, but carried on regardless, "The heart monitor," She shook her head frowning, "It's mesmerizing, I've never noticed it before, you begin to realize what it's like to know that the next line might not rise, and I know it will, I know that even if she's not breathing that the vent's going to keep her going, it's completely irrational, but I've watched it constantly for four days, I don't even remember the last time I looked at her face, it's just been that machine." She frowned again, swallowing hard, shaking her head. Abby continued to look at her as she remained almost expressionless staring off into the vastness of space. "I don't remember ever having been this scared before in my life." Amelia let out a slight chuckle, shaking her head still, the powerlessness she was feeling making itself visible in her face. Slowly Amelia closed her eyes and a single tear appeared, it made it's way down her cheek as she shivered visibly. She shook her head, finally letting go of her feelings. She didn't want to feel this; it was much easier not to feel anything, not to think about it, not to wallow in it, to pretend it wasn't happening, to pretend she could cope, but she couldn't, she moved to wipe the tear away, as she did Abby gently caught hold of her wrist. That was all it took for Amelia to dissolve, silent sobs shook her body, her demeanor crumbling as Abby gathered her into a tight embrace. She wanted to take away all the pain her sister was feeling, all the devastation, but she couldn't, no one could. The pair remained locked in their embrace as Amelia's sobs ran through her body and Abby concentrated on swallowing the unfamiliar lump in her throat.
Teertornado ~ thanks again, I'm glad you think it's getting better!!!
Blah ~ Cheers, I liked the little bit of carby talk too, it's not going to lead anywhere though, I'm all about Nick and Abby at the moment!
Loopylu1 ~ Cheers, I think that last chapter was my favorite so far so I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Foxywombat ~ By the time you get here I hope you haven't changed you mind!
Fran~ I hope that the chapter explanation has sorted you out, there's definitely more Nick/Abby coming, Carter's pretty much out of the picture in my head though….sorry!
There we go if I missed you sorry, I'll get you next time, aywho, let me know what you think as ever! Cheers.