Yet another episode reaction to "A Whole New Ballgame". I don't think I'll ever get used to not seeing ol' AJ behind that huge, mahogany desk. Please excuse in any errors, I posted this in quite a hurry, I'll go over it again soon.
As Colonel Sarah Mackenzie glanced at Harm as their D.C. cab cruised down the beltway towards Georgetown, she couldn't help but feel a pang of longing, something that she hadn't felt for an incredibly long time. She shook it off and focused her attention to the passing scenery; the Monument towered high above the rest of the area, the beautiful illumination at the base of the spire made it stand out from the dull, bleak background of the underlying parks and government buildings.
"Mac," Harm said casually, startling her out of her stupor. "You hungry?"
"Always," she groaned, bringing her hand to her middle and patting it theatrically. "Need you ask?"
He folded his arms behind his head and gazed outside towards the setting sun. "I was thinking we could get a pizza. Half-half…I mean, if you want. I'm starving, and I can't be bothered to make anything. Or, two-thirds for you, one-third for me."
He would often ask her to join him for the odd night at home for dinner, or to join him and Mattie for a movie. She had yet to accept any of his invitations, always evading the subject or waving him off with a sarcastic remark, but he hadn't deterred.
"I'd love to," she said at once, then turned away to gaze out the window.
It caught him off guard. He was expecting yet another rejection, at the most a rain check, but nothing close to this.
Realizing he hadn't replied, he cleared his throat and tried to be nonchalant. "Great."
The rest of the journey was silent, except for the occasional friendly banter the driver made about the increasingly bad traffic, or the construction they were planning to do south of Union. As they pulled up to Harm's building, Harm quickly thanked and paid the fare before swinging his gangly legs outside the door.
As much as she hated to admit, and wanted so badly to deny, it was awkward. Everything, it seemed, was filled with tension whenever they were together. She wanted so badly for it to go away, but the feeling remained, looming overhead and mocking her.
Inside the apartment, he flicked on the light switch and strolled to the phone.
"Message," he explained, before pressing the blinking button.
"Hello, Sir," came Bud's voice over the speaker. "I just wanted to tell you that they've picked our new JAG!"
"Oh," Mac blurted out, not expecting the SecNav and other high officials to make a decision so soon, especially after Colonel Cresswell's 'explosion' in front of the committee. She stumbled up beside Harm, nearly tripping over her own legs in anticipation, ignoring Bud's babbling as he went over the tedious process of the decision-making involved.
She held herself up by propping her arm against the wall. Harm smiled, crossing his arms, "Told you that you didn't need to worry-"
"…General Gordon Cresswell, sir!" Bud laughed, interrupting Harm's trail of thought. "I wonder what it'll be like to have a Marine JAG. I know I already have Colonel Mackenzie as a CO, but this'll be way different than the Admiral."
"Mac…" Harm began, wanting desperately to terminate the line before Bud's innocent joviality could destroy his partner even more than it already had.
"Goodbye, sir." There was an affirming click as Bud's words hung in the air ominously.
Mac held her breath, hoping that perhaps Bud's voice would come back and jokingly say, "Just kidding, Ma'am. They actually picked that pleasant Admiral Stacey, the submariner. He was stationed on the west coast before coming to D.C…" But nothing came.
She ran her fingers through her hair and laughed sardonically. "I might as well kiss JAG goodbye."
"Don't say that," Harm started. "I'm sure he won't hold a grudge…"
Mac spun around. "That's easy to say when you didn't see him nail John's ass to the wall," she snapped.
Harm took a step back in surprise. He swallowed hard and swung his arms at his sides for a moment, gathering his thoughts.
"Sorry," she corrected herself. "I should head home, and you say hello to Mattie and…"
Harm grabbed her by the wrist. "Stay."
She sighed, "Harm, I'm in a foul mood. I don't want to say something that'd ruin everything."
"Everything, what?"
"With us," she admitted, meeting his piercing gaze. "I guess we're kind of getting back on pathway to wherever the hell it is we're headed."
He loosened the grip and his hold slid down to her palm, and then to the tips of her fingers. He squeezed reassuringly, his touch warming up her hand. "I'd like it if you stayed. Mattie's at a sleep over…and I'm a crotchety old man who needs some company."
She arched an eyebrow and let him lead her towards the kitchen. He motioned towards the bar stool and smiled, grabbing the phone off the receiver and dialing for the nearby pizza parlour. Mac propped her chin up on her elbow as Harm ordered the food. Her new boss was going to make working life a living hell. The problem was that working life seemed to be the only life she had.
"Yeah, half veggie, hold the onions. Half meat-lovers," Harm said, prodding her on the shoulder and shooting her a quizzical look. "Hold on."
"What?"
He held the phone under his right hand. "You okay with the toppings?"
She waved him off. "As long as it's edible, I'm fine."
Harm turned his attention back to the telephone. "Thanks," he said, hanging up. He slid into the stool beside her and scratched his head. "Stop worrying."
"I can't," she murmured, burying her face into her hands. "I have no idea what he'll do. Send me on TAD across the Atlantic, out to Okinawa again or…"
Not knowing what else to say, Harm muttered, "You went on TAD after the Brumby…fiasco." He couldn't find any other word to describe it.
"I wanted to go then," she said, surprisingly unperturbed by the comment. "I like it here, now."
Harm's next statement just shoved her further into the crux she was in. He knew it, but didn't care. "On the ship, you said you didn't want…"
"I did," she said, being as straightforward as possible. "I mean…I know what you're talking about." At that precise moment, she decided that she wasn't going to run away, even though she was terrified of the possible encounters with Harm. She knew it was awful to hope for it, but she wanted him to run away first, just so she wouldn't have to deal with it.
He opened his mouth to reply when a knock on the door pulled him away from the conversation. He shed his jacket off and threw it to the couch. The pizza boy stood on the other side of the door, handing him the flimsy box. Mac got up and made her way to the door before Harm could get his wallet out.
"I got it," she said, fishing out a twenty from her pocket and handing it to the kid. "You paid for the cab."
After saying goodbye to the boy, he made his way back to the counter and slid the pizza on it. "But I'll be reimbursed. I doubt JAG'll be willing to pay for this."
She ignored him and flipped open the top of the box. They steamy aroma filled the room instantly. She grabbed the slice closest to her and brought it to her mouth before he could put a word in. After wolfing down the piece, she turned around to see an amused Harm with his hands on his hips, standing expectantly.
"Well?"
"Well, what?" she groaned, hoping he hadn't gotten into one of his badgering moods.
He grabbed two plates from the cupboard and slid one in front of her. "Where were we before that display of…I can't even find a word for that."
"I don't know," she said innocently, making a grab for another slice, when Harm pulled the pizza box out of her grasp. "Harm…I'm a guest."
"I know," he grinned. "But you get what you give."
She crossed her arms in front of her and leaned her head up against it, peering at him over the folds of her uncomfortable uniform. "Aren't you going to change?"
Harm glanced down at himself and shrugged. "I'm fine. And don't change the subject, Colonel."
"Fine, what do you want?"
"I want to know what you meant when you said that."
He didn't reiterate her words. All of a sudden, Harm's fear was evident to her. He diverted his gaze out the window and gripped the countertop haphazardly, his knuckles turning white at the sheer power of the grip.
Mac hadn't budged from her position, but watched him curiously. All of the signs showed his anxiety, and it didn't ease her anymore. "Why? I thought-"
"I can't keep doing this." His voice was barely a whisper. "I need to know that I'm waiting for something."
Her breath caught in her throat, and she slowly pushed herself up. "Waiting?"
"For this. For us. I mean, the only reason that I keep doing this…dance, as you so eloquently put it," his smile was melancholy, and he finally rested his eyes on her face, "is because I keep on believing. Maybe it's naïve, but I won't stop until you say something."
Mac's tongue felt as if it was a three-foot wide sponge. She swallowed hard to get rid of the dry sensation in her throat. "What do you want me to do?"
"I've tried to show you how I feel," he hung his head in defeat. "I keep hoping, and hoping…and I just don't know if what I want will ever be there."
"I told you on the beach."
"You didn't say anything!" his voice rose slightly, but he put it back under control. "And I think this'll be the death of me."
Mac slid off the chair and took a step back towards the door. "Thanks, Harm. You really know how to-"
"Please, Mac, just wait," he sighed. She turned around slowly to see him staring at her. "I need you to say one thing."
Harm held his hands out in surrender and rounded the counter. He came to face her and stood toe-to-toe with her, not letting her out of his sight.
"Tell me that there's nothing worth waiting for," he breathed. "And I'll be out of your hair for good. It's all I need to know."
"Harm-"
He cut her off, feeling one of her lengthy but circumventing speeches coming on. "Just tell me again. What you said in Paraguay…say it again now."
Mac curled her toes and stood up to his imposing figure. "You have no right to do this."
He caught her hand in his own, and tangled their fingers gently. "I feel something, Mac. It's the only reason I hung on after Paraguay…but if you don't feel the same I need you to tell me."
"Don't." She pried herself from his grasp and chewed her bottom lip, biting painfully into the flesh.
Harm side-stepped to stand between her and the door, his voice flat. "It's not fair to me if you just lead me along. Just stop this now."
"You know I can't," she snapped, bringing her hands to her head in sheer frustration.
"Do you want there to never be anything?" Harm whispered, not ceasing his onslaught.
She wiped her eyes as her vision started to blur from the incoming, but not yet shed tears. "I should leave."
"It seems the only way I can get through to you is to do it like that."
Mac ignored him as she blew past him in a flurry of anger. She reached for the doorknob when she heard him sigh in resignation and march towards his bedroom, loosening the tie from around his neck as he went. She watched for a moment, but exited once he went out of view behind his disjointed glass wall.
TBC