Ok it's been a long time and I know it, my degree is in jeopardy and I know it but I just cant resist, I was trying to give myself a break for a couple of weeks to get all of my course work finished and I've got till Monday and I've written 6000 words on this today so hey ho, life goes on, I've got a whole full circle thing going on here and there's a lot of Amelia/Jasper interaction in this and a lot of undesirable content (perceptually at least so I'm sorry!) But it's all part of life's rich pattern as my dear old dad would say.

There are a couple of review responses I'd love to do but I can't!! so thank you all very much for your time and input and it might be a week before I post again but believe me that everything that anyone said in reviews since early April have all been read and very much appreciated. XX K

The opening of the front door and the following slam as it closed announced Amelia's arrival as Jasper, Abby and Nick sat in the kitchen. Jasper slid his chair back to go and greet her, smiling at Abby and Nick as he did. He made his way out of the kitchen and through the living room towards Amelia who was busy dumping her stuff on the floor.

"Hey." He smiled at her as he spoke and made his way closer to her, she stood and turned as he did, her face covered in weariness. "You ok?" He asked softly as he saw her face. She'd been to Minnesota for the day, to a funeral and he was worried about her, he hadn't wanted her to go.

"I'm fine." She replied flatly. "Where's Lauren?" She questioned quickly scanning the empty living room.

"She had that sleep over thing." Jasper said quietly reaching for her shoulder as she nodded, her face empty and emotionless.

"Don't." She said, frowning slightly, knocking his hand away.

"What?" Jasper frowned, trying to reach for her again, confused by her actions. He laid his hand on her arm.

"Jas, don't, just, please…" She said, her face contorting into a semi-irritated frown as she knocked his hand away again.

"Amelia?" He said quietly, moving his hand up to her cheek, trying to get her to look at him.

"Don't Jas, just, fucking don't, don't touch me." She said pulling her body away from him, her voice rising. Jaspers forehead creased, as he stood shocked, looking at her, he'd expected her to be upset, but not like this. His hands moved to his hips as she sighed and ran her hands through a few wisps of hair that had escaped from the loose knot at the back of her head and over her face. "Where are your car keys?" She asked bringing her hands down and looking up at him, still keeping her body a safe distance from his.

"In my jacket why?" He replied, still confused.

"Can I have them please?" She asked holding her hand out, expectantly.

"Why?" He frowned again.

"Because I'm going to a motel." She replied flatly, still looking at him.

"What?" He said his face still contorted and questioning.

"You heard me, can I just have the keys?" She replied, her tone flat still.

Abby and Nick were sitting in the kitchen still, listening to the exchange, shooting glances at each other, both thinking that they probably shouldn't be listening to the exchange, both unable to help it as the voices filtered through to the kitchen.

"No." Jasper continued.

"No." Amelia said her voice riddled with sarcasm as her eyebrows rose, her hand still held out.

"No, not until you tell me why you're so upset." Jasper shook his head, his voice even and unassuming.

"I'm not upset." Amelia shot back.

"Your not upset." Japer replied, his voice slightly skeptical as he continued.

"I'm not upset, I'm angry." She replied her hand still extended.

"Why, what happened?" He asked his confusion turning to concern as he looked at her.

"I don't want to talk about it, just give me the fucking keys." She said her voice rising again, adopting a slight desperation.

"No, not until you tell me why you're acting like this." He said staring hard at her.

"Fine." She replied, picking her bag back up off the floor and turning, reaching for the front door.

"Amelia." Jasper grabbed her shoulder, preventing her leaving; she spun round as he grabbed her.

"Don't fucking touch me." She shouted into his face, her façade cracking slightly as she did.

"What the hell happened?" Jasper asked, stepping back slightly as he studied her, she dropped her bag on the floor again, looking down as she did, realising that she was being unbearably unreasonable, she paused momentarily before she looked up into his face, his eyes etched with distress for her, she studied him slowly, her jaw tensed as she swallowed and looked away again, she sighed as a moment passed in silence and she shook her head again, finally she looked back up at him.

"I'm pissed off Jas and not at you, I don't want to associate this with you, please just let me go, I'm angry with myself and with them and with all of it, and if you're here, if I'm with you then I do, I associate it with you, and it's got nothing to do with you so please…" She trailed off, pleading with her eyes as she did.

"What happened?" Jasper asked quietly, he wasn't going to give up, he watched Amelia rub the bridge of her nose slowly with her index finger as she sighed and looked back up at him.

"They were there, and they spoke to me and they gave me a letter and they fucking…" She trailed off, shaking her head laughing mirthlessly looking away from him as her eyes glazed over.

"Jesus, why the hell did you go?" He asked, his question more sympathetic than anything else, he didn't want her to hurt, but she quite clearly did.

"I'm not going to explain to you again why I needed to go." Amelia's tired, emotional voice filtered through to Abby and Nick in the kitchen.

"I'm not asking you to explain it again, but Mealie, you tell me 'they' were there and I don't really know who 'they' are, and you try and rip my hand off when I touch you." He said softly.

"Sorry." She replied quietly, "I, I, just, I didn't mean to, I just…" She trailed off unable to think of a way to explain what she was doing or thinking. There was silence momentarily as Amelia rubbed her face and sighed heavily.

"Talk to me." He whispered. 

" 'They' are the people who fostered us." Amelia said quietly, Jasper nodded, his jaw tensing, "They are the ones who made him like he was, in and out of rehab, constantly on medication, constantly having breakdowns of one kind or another, Jas they broke him, his whole life revolved around what happened to us eighteen years ago, he lived the most miserable life because of something he was made to do as a twelve year old, something that I was involved in when he was twelve years old." She shook her head at him, her eyes full of guilty sorrow.

"The couple that fostered the pair of you?" Jasper asked, his eyes questioning, Amelia looked back at him nodding slowly.

"Yes." She whispered.

"What did they say to you?" He asked, his voice tender and quiet, his eyes still holding the same concern. She let out a half chuckle as she returned her eyes to the floor and scuffed it aimlessly with her foot, crossing her arms over her chest. "What did they say to you?" He repeated his question, still softly but with more force. A small desperate laugh escaped her lips again as she wiped under both her eyes simultaneously, trying to prevent any tears from falling.

"She said that she always knew I'd grow up to be beautiful, always had that twinkle in my eye that told her I would be a whore." Amelia laughed disgustedly again. "Said that it was what made her pick me." She said shaking her head looking away from him.

"That's all she said?" He asked tentatively.

"No, she had a few other pearls of wisdom but I didn't stick around to hear them, she just handed me a letter." She said sighing, not looking up at him. "And I wasn't thinking clearly enough to not take it." She told him.

"Jesus Meal, I'm sorry." He whispered, she nodded accepting that there wasn't really much else he could say, tentatively he reached for her again, all he wanted to do was gather her into his arms, to hold her to take everything away, he hated what had happened to her and he hated that there was nothing he could do about it. The back of his hand gently grazed her upper arm and she flinched visibly again.

"Please Jas, please just don't." She said shaking her head, pulling her body away again, he was mildly relieved that his action hadn't resulted in her screaming in his face this time, but it still wasn't the reaction he'd hoped for.

"Amelia, please, this is me." Jasper said empathetically, trying to catch her eyes. She looked back up at him.

"I know that, I really, I do, but Jas, I'm back where I started eighteen years ago, I can't see beyond intimacy being sordid, I can't see past the idea that every touch or look or suggestion even isn't cloaked in some kind of inappropriate intention and…" She trailed off sighing, rubbing her hands over her face. He stayed stock still, waiting for her to continue, he knew she would, and she did as her hands fell from her face again. "I love you Jas, and I love being with you and I know that none of what we do is sordid or unpleasant, but right now even the idea of it makes my skin crawl, and I can't be like that around you, I don't want to be like that around you." She told him, hoping against all hope that he'd understand and accept what she needed to do.

"I know." He nodded at her, his arms hugging his chest. "Did just seeing them bring all this on?" He asked gently, watching as her face adopted a bitter expression and her jaw tensed again, she shook her head slowly. "What else?" He asked quietly, not sure he really wanted to know.

"Nothing." She shook her head again.

"Amelia." He pushed frowning, knowing that clearly there was more. "This has upset you, I need to know what else happened, I want to be able to understand this." He said quietly, wanting to know how to deal with the situation.

"I told you I'm not upset." She shook her head at him.

"Yeah, I know, but you clearly are." He said calmly.

"I'm not, I'm angry, I'm angry that I let it happen, I'm angry that they made it happen, I'm angry that no one realized what was going on, and now I'm pissed off that eighteen years later I've let it back, I've let them take control again, that they still have an effect on me, I'm angry that what happened meant that Nate lived a shitty life and that he let it take over to the point he felt that killing himself was the only way out. Angry Jasper; not upset." She said pointedly.

"Amelia, you never let any of this happen." He shook his head, looking at her,

"I didn't stop it." She countered.

"You were nine years old for Christ's sake how the hell could you have stopped it?" Jasper said shaking his head, looking at her, disbelief that she was blaming herself for this settling on his face.

"I know how old I was Jasper." She said quietly.

"Jesus Melia, I let you go today to lay ghosts to rest, ghosts that have been almost dead for a long time and now they're consuming you, this is what killed him, why the hell are you letting them take over again?" He said, his eyes fixed on hers.

"You let me go today?" She said her eyebrows raised, a 'who the hell do you think you are?' expression settling on her face as she crossed her arms.

"Amelia I didn't want you to go, you know that, and you told me that it would be fine, that you would be fine and your not, you're so far beyond fine that I don't know what to do." Jasper said holding his hands out, his forehead creased again.

"You don't need to do anything." She said quietly looking down again, her eyes focussed on the floor, her arms still crossed defensively.   

"I want to help" He said, his voice still calm as she finished

"How the fuck do you think you can help?" She asked, her tone adopting clear hostility as she looked up at him. "Please, really, what do you think you can do that's going to help, nothing you do can undo what's already been done." She said shaking her head, her eyes meeting his, slight laughter in her voice.

"Amelia I love you and you need to let me into this, you need to let me help with this." Jasper said, passion underlying his words.

"Eighteen years ago two people made me have sex with my twelve year old foster brother, who killed himself last week, and today I saw those two people for the first time in seventeen years and he went to hug me and she said stuff to me…" Amelia laughed disgustedly momentarily shaking her head before continuing quietly, "And as it transpires they took photos of us, I knew that they'd taken photos of the beatings, I remember those, but today I got the privilege of seeing myself in a series of child porn photographs." She stopped, shaking her head looking down at the floor, sighing, keeping her eyes focussed on the wood patterns as she continued. "Jasper, I don't know how you can help with this, I really don't because I don't know how to help myself with this." She sighed looking up at him, her eyes lost.

"Jesus Amelia." He sighed, his eyes watering with grief for her.

"Yeah." She nodded exhaling slowly, biting her lip, looking away from him. He reached out slowly and again touched her arm.

"Please Jasper." She shook her head at him, her eyes pained, she didn't move away but he dropped his hand to his side.

 "Sorry." He mumbled quietly, looking at the ground.

"No, you shouldn't have to apologize, I just I thought that it was all over, y'know." She said looking up at him now. "I thought that they would never, ever touch me again and today they both did." She shook her head, her face contorted like she'd just eaten something unbelievably bitter. "Jas, I know what happened, you know what happened, but it's just that it all got brought back today, and none of it changes what I already knew." She looked at him earnestly, "I'm not going to let them take away everything that means anything again, they did it once and they have no right to do it again, I won't let them, I promise you that, but I can't be here with you, I cant be thinking about it while I'm with you." She paused frowning slightly, hoping that he understood what she was saying. His mouth was crocked, his face covered with concern and empathetic concentration as they looked at each other. "Tell me you can understand that." She shook her head slightly as she looked at him. He nodded quietly.

"I'll go to a motel." He nodded at her.

"No, it's fine I'll go, can I have your keys?" She told him decisively.

"Meal, stay here." He countered, not liking the idea of her driving around the Chicago suburbs looking for a place to stay.

"Have you been drinking tonight?" She asked looking up at him, trying to figure out if he could drive, reality suddenly dawned as she asked her question and he brought his hands up over his mouth as the image of his beer and Abby and Nick's smiling faces flashed into his head.

"Oh fuck." He said as he cupped his hands over his mouth and nose.

"What?" She frowned slightly looking at him as his hands slithered down his face.

"Abby and Nick are here." He said quietly, he watched as Amelia's expression changed from a frown to a combination of utter horror and surprise.

"Please tell me you're joking." She said shaking her head.

"I'm so sorry we were having dinner and…" He tried to explain, his forehead creased again as his arms moved in unison indicating the kitchen and back towards her as he shook his head. She shot him a look as she headed for their kitchen, stopping dead in her tracks as she arrived to see Nick staring at her and Abby with her head hung, her eyes focused on some indefinable point on the table, three half empty plates sitting languidly in front of them.

I know that the theory behind the person interaction is horrible but let me know what you think… Kay XXX

It's been a while…. There's more cheerful stuff to come…