Ok, here we go, kicking off where we left them…There are review responses at the end whoop de woo hoo hoo, finally got around to doing them!! Have at it and enjoy! Xxx K
"How do you not pity her for this?" He asked quietly, his fingers now curling the ends of Abby's hair round them as he felt her laugh slightly into his chest. She shifted slightly but didn't look up at him as she pouted tensing her jaw, thinking momentarily.
"You can't not really I don't think." She said as she swallowed hard, the smile fading off her face.
"That was the only thing she asked for, the only thing she wants from this and I don't know how not to let it color my view of her, and not in a bad way, but I can't see seeing her and not thinking about it." Nick said frowning, sighing as he did. Abby pushed her way off him and sat back up fully, facing him as she did.
"Nick," She started frowning slightly, not really at him but, trying to explain this, anything like this was almost beyond her, she wasn't sure she even knew what she was talking about really. "I think that probably she knows that anyone who knows her is going to feel sorry for her about this, but it's…" She paused, looking away for a second as she thought how to go on. "It's not, it doesn't make her any different from the person she was before you knew, before we knew, and so I think that maybe, I don't know, maybe it'll go away with time, maybe you have to learn to see her as she is again, and then when that happens you won't look for it in her every time you do see her." Abby finished, concentrated, frustrated concern in her eyes.
"That's fucking difficult to do though." Nick said meeting her eyes with a slight smile as his eyebrows rose.
"Yeah." She nodded, breathing slowly over the word, rubbing her hands over her face and through her hair. She brought her hands down and looked back at him, sympathy, empathy and upset in her eyes, not just for him, in fact probably least for him, she had no idea how to do this ether, all the nursing and doctor-ing skills in the world didn't really make this discovery any easier, with patients it was tough, with your sister it was tougher. He laid his arm out along the back of the couch again and sighed, he knew, well he didn't know, but he got the distinct impression that this was harder for her than it was him; he could see that she felt destroyed by this, she was trying to hide it, trying to be there for him as one of Amelia's oldest friends, but really, he knew, and he could see and see why this would cause her an enormous amount of distress, he had a little sister, he didn't have their circumstances but he knew that anything like this happening to her would make him feel like he'd failed in his role. She collapsed slowly back against him, stretching her legs out along side his, her feet reaching the edge of the table as her neck settled comfortably into his armpit and he brought his hand around and down to her side as she shifted into him again.
Once again they lapsed back into silence, into their own thoughts, the slight relief coming only from one another's presence as Nick shuffled to bring her body closer to his and she brought her knees back up to her chest allowing them to loll against his chest now as he wrapped his arm protectively around them, squeezing her close to him, kissing her temple gently as he relaxed his grip after a second and closed his eyes, breathing softly.
"Did she ever tell you why they took her into care?" Abby's voice petered quietly through the strenuously silent air that had been hanging in front of them for a while, Nick breathed out slowly as he shook his head and replied.
"No." He told her quietly, his lips meeting her forehead again as he spoke.
"She never told you?" Abby asked, frowning slightly, pulling away from him to look up at his face but not completely away from him, she'd figured that Amelia would have told him this stuff.
"No." He said unassumingly again as she settled back against him, frowning still.
"Maggie's bipolar." She said quietly, her face resting back against his chest again as her eyes stared fixedly at the street lamp blaring through the window. She felt Nick take a deep breath, as her cheek rose on his chest, he said nothing though and she looked up at him queering. "Do you know what that is? What it means?" She frowned vaguely at him, there was no reason why he should, it was one of the lesser known psychiatric disorders, it's not like it's schizophrenia or PTSD or OCD, it's not one of the more publicized diseases, there's no reason really why he should know. He moved the hand that wasn't wrapped around her up to the back of his neck and scratched at the hair at the base of his neck as he sighed again and she pulled away fully, crossing her legs, her eyes narrowed.
"Yeah." He said nodding, running his hand up and over his hair, giving it a couple of extra ruffles as he moved his eyes to meet hers again.
"Why?" She frowned still at him, her frown turning from a questioning one to a defensive 'why the hell do you know if you've not been through this?' one.
"Why do I know about this mood disorder?" Nick asked, quietly gently not wanting to let his reaction to the information that he'd just been given show on his face, although he was failing slightly in his demeanor.
"Yeah." Abby nodded defensively running her hands through her hair as she sat staring at him, like she owned the rights to anything and everything even remotely related to this. Nick tensed his jaw slightly as he began to speak.
"I did a semester in family law while I was at law school, I was involved in a case where the father was trying to get access." Nick said quietly staring away from her.
"Did he get access?" Abby asked quietly, frowning in a slightly bitter questioning way. She was judging him and she knew she was and she knew it wasn't entirely fair, but she was doing it nonetheless.
"No." He told her quietly, his eyes moving back to her face, his tone never faltering. He knew this, or at least he knew it from an outsiders, very brief, very remote perspective, he'd wanted the guy to be able to see his kids, to be a part of their lives, he knew it was a manageable disease and he knew that the guy was a good father but that wasn't what this was about. He rubbed one of is fingers over one of his eyes for a second sighing before pushing himself back against the couch and bending his body forward, resting his elbows on his legs, his chin on the knuckles of his clasped hands as he looked up and over at her, frowning.
"That's why she was taken away, that's why all this happened, Maggie was bipolar, she couldn't handle it, she couldn't cope, she couldn't cope with us and she couldn't cope with Amelia, this is what started it, what finished it, what made it." Abby said quietly, her tone angry and bitter and directed at Nick as she looked down on his resigned face, intentionally and unintentionally; none the less she continued to stare angrily at him
"Amelia has never said she blamed her, to anyone." Nick said his eyes apologetic and focused, bearing a hint of empathy as he shook his head.
"No Nick she wouldn't have done, she wouldn't have blamed this or resented it because she didn't grow up around it she didn't have to deal with the depression or the moods or the things that you were allowed to do that got you hated and ostracized for because everyone else's parents were too sensible to let them do it, she didn't have to deal with the guy's she brought home or the times when she was trying to be a mother that you knew would end so you could never just let her be, or the times that the police brought her home and you had to beg a neighbor to pretend to be your father because you were terrified of anyone one finding out about the kind of life you were living, or the times she would humiliate you, or come on to your boyfriends or any of it because she didn't experience it; so of course she wouldn't blame it." Abby finished her brief rant, closing her eyes, rubbing her eyelids aggressively; looking away from him, she'd never gone off at anyone like that before about Maggie or her life and it was scary, scary and weird but in a relieving way, a relieving way if he didn't up and run away that is.
"Abby," He tried quietly at first, after she ignored him he tried again harder, slightly louder and more forcefully, reaching out for one of her arms, bringing it back towards him, "Abby, hey," He started as she met his eyes, "you can't resent her for anything, the fact she was taken away from your mother has nothing to do with you, it has no baring on what you went through, which I'm happy to admit and acknowledge wasn't something that you should have had to go through, but how would you have felt if all of you had been taken away from her?" He paused for a second making sure her had her eyes; he did, as he looked fixedly, concernedly into them, and so he continued. "Then you'd be pissed because she'd had to go through it on her own, because you'd left your mother to deal with this alone, and with the extra bereavement of not having had her kids grow up around her, she must have regretted Amelia being taken away otherwise she wouldn't have wanted anything to do with her when Lauren was sick, you need to know that what Amelia went through has noting to do with what any of you went through, but at the same time, you have to know that if she knew what you went through she'd be pitying you and feeling guilty for you about it, like maybe if she'd been there it wouldn't have happened, I know that I am." He sad sadly not looking at her for a second. "And that you maybe don't want it but, but neither one of you or your brother can change this, it's shit and it always will be, and it'll be something that you cant really get away from any of you, ever, but it is what it is and you've accepted that I think, and I think she has and so you both need to accept that each other has too, and will move on, what happened in your life is crappy, and you know that and you have to know that you deserved better and she knows that too, I'm sure, but you can't undo what's been done, she'll have wanted to be with the three of you and you wanted to be with her right?" He asked, caching her eyes again. "And you should have been…" Nick paused rubbing at one of his eyes for a second. "What…" He trailed off again, "I don't know, I'm a lawyer and I do facts and figures and right and wrong, but no one is really in the wrong here, and stuff happened to you and your brother that the pair of you shouldn't have been responsible for and stuff happened to her." He paused again, breathing out heavily. Abby tried to grab her wrist back from him, but he gently, firmly implied he'd not finished as he didn't relinquish his grip and she allowed him to grasp her arm to him once again. "Abby I think that even though you and her have known each other for what, seven, maybe eight months, regardless of what happened before or what happens from now on, the pair of you know each other and, I. I hesitate to say it but, love each other," He paused again breathing deeply, avoiding her eyes as he voiced her thoughts, admitting, voicing things she'd never say, "Why she was taken away doesn't really factor into the present, as far as I know the pair of you have talked about that, and what you and your brother went through doesn't either right now, that's not to say that it's something that doesn't matter or factor into this entirely but, I think that this is about your sister being here and your sister trying to make sure she's ok, and your sister wanting you to be the one there when she chooses to crack about this, it's not anything other than that." Nick finished, he was frowning sympathetically as he looked back up at her, he'd learned over the years that his personal opinions were distinctly blighted, he wasn't a black and white lawyer as per usual, but he wasn't quite an 'all the shades of grey' person either, there were gradients, either way, he was dubious as to whether or not Abby's opinion would mirror or match his. Abby pulled her arm back eventually, looking at him, her eyes tied and sad.
"I know all that." She whispered quietly, swallowing hard.
"Abby…" He started quietly again, rubbing his eye.
"No, I know, and you're right, whatever happened before al this is…It's not what this is about, and I don't, I don't feel guilty about this," She took a deep breath and continued. "And I feel guilty about not feeling guilty about it, but I know that, that that's not what she wanted me to feel." She frowned slightly. "And she wanted me to know that yesterday, that was one of the things she made most obvious, that she didn't blame us for this." She rubbed her eyes for a minute and looked back at Nick for the briefest of seconds before looking away again "I just, I don't know." She sighed heavily into her palms, both of which were covering her face. "I feel responsible for her and for what Maggie did then and for the fact that she was taken away from us, and at the same time I know I'm not but it doesn't take any of it away, it doesn't stop me feeling that we could have stopped it." Abby sighed into her hands bringing them slowly from her face.
"This isn't down to you, none of this, and certainly not what was found out yesterday." He paused; bringing is hands up to meet hers, around her face.
"She went through things that could have been stopped, that could have been prevented, that I could have prevented." Abby frowned voicing her feelings flatly as he grasped his hands around hers, bringing her hands down from her face.
"No, you couldn't have." Nick shook his head honestly, "She told you, you're not responsible, your mother's not responsible, and neither's your brother, until she hold's you responsible you're not, any of you." He shook his head in confutation.
"Nick, that's all well and good, but it doesn't stop the way I feel about this, it doesn't stop the fact that I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. It doesn't stop the fact that if Maggie had gotten her life together enough she could have prevented this, and she could have gotten Amelia back and away from it." She said, her eyebrows tensing as she shot another look at him.
"No that's crap, that's fucking crap." He started, standing up as he did.
"Why? Why, why is that crap?" She asked frowning, pouting at him angrily, standing up and following him into the kitchen. He stood and paused; rubbing his hands over his face before letting them drift to his hips and running his tongue over his upper lip, as he stood in front of the fridge, looking at her, her demeanour defensive, his mirroring hers.
"If you're hell bent on feeling guilty about not feeling guilty then there's nothing I can do about it." He half shrugged at her. "If you need to fight with someone about this, fight with me please do, but I'm not about to accept that anything, that any of this is your fault, because I don't think it is, and I don't understand how this has all gotten turned around because this isn't about you and it's not about me, it's about your sister and one of my best friends, not you or me or anything else." He finished shaking his head, he noted that she was sinking into a chair at the table, he was mildly surprised by her unobtrusive attitude. He pulled open the fridge regardless and obtained what he was after. "Look, listen…" He started cut off but Abby as he tried to start.
"No, no, you have it pinned, it's about her, it's all about her and her reaction…" She paused frowning. "Except what do you do when she tells you that she doesn't want to be the focus, when she tells you that she needs live? To keep life going on around her, to just, to just keep going on, to keep life flowing when everything in your life grinds to a halt; it just keeps revolving around one factor in one persons life, what do you do then if you could have prevented it, because I cant see past this now and I know that it's not in the same way that she cant see past it, because this isn't me, and it's not something that's happened to me but I feel like it is… I feel like I want to take this on for her and I feel like I want it to be me for her I feel like I can deal with this if it's me and she cant if it's her" She finished sighing, yawning, laying her hands against her outstretched arms.
"Then all you can do is talk to her, if she'll talk to you then just be there, it's enough." Nick said quietly, mildly dubious about the information he was imparting as he took a seat beside her.
"But how do I take it away? How do I fix this?" Abby asked her arms as she directed her question at Nick.
"I believe it's called counter transference and as a potential shrink I think that you should know that." He half smiled, at this late stage in the game it was the best he could do as he cupped his hands around his drink and looked down at his girlfriends hanging figure.
"How'd you know about that?" She frowned as she picked her head up and looked over at him.
"Counter transference?" He questioned mildly amused as he met her eyes, and she frowned quizzically nodding at him wearily. "I just listen when you're mumbling medical journals to yourself," He quipped, obviously winding her up. " Look, this whole psychoanalysis mumbo jumbo or not." He started avoiding her question, a concerned frown etched on his forehead as he caught her gaze looking up from her arms. "If she talks to you about this then she wants you there, that's the bottom line, that's just my opinion, but that's it and she's proved that, I mean when Jas phoned me today he said there'd been some kind of burning ritual in their yard, and I assume you were there, because Amelia would have probably just used the house as kindling if she'd been on her own " Nick smiled, she smiled back slightly, Amelia was reckless, and yeah, she'd probably have been reckless enough to do just that last night, but she'd been really quite responsible in the end.
"I just want her to be okay." Abby told him quietly, her eyes telling her exhaustion.
"I that's probably what everyone wants for her, and she will be." He nodded back quietly as she looked up at him and he smiled slightly, reassuringly.
REVIEW RESPONSES
Tracey~ I'm glad you think that they're comfortable with each other. I wanted them to be but you never really see her like that, or confiding anything and so it means moving away from the character which I didn't want to do, but here I am doing it! Let me know what you think about this bit….Sorry you missed out on your hug as well, it will come I swear!!!!
Blah~ Thank you so much, I was a bit disappointed with Abby's quick change of heart with Nick too, I had a whole other bit I wanted to add but it was taking way too long – which is an awful excuse I know!- in a way I'm glad to hear you were horrified! That was kind of the aim – I have no idea how I came up with it!
Hibbs~ Thanks so much, it was a weird thing to write but I'm glad u thought it was ok.
Teertornado~ I don't blame you for not knowing how to review it, I keep reading it myself and I'm not really sure what I'd say about it either! Thank you so much for encouragement though; you're very good at ego enhancement!
Ok, if I missed you out then I'm sorry keep reviewing and I will get to you, I can't remember the last time I responded to reviews so I'm not entirely sure who I've said thanks to and who I haven't, but rest assured they are all very much appreciated!! – Keep 'um coming…