A/N: Grrrr. I can't believe ff.net has got rid of the double slash marks and asterisks that my fics are filled with. Thanks to them, half of my fics don't even make sense anymore, as the speech is all muddled up with the rest of the text. So of course, I have to go through ALL my fics and replace the slash marks with brackets. Stupid website…it'll probably fix that error five minutes after I've re-uploaded all my fics, irony being what it is.

Also, even though this is called "A Day at The Carnival," I should warn all you readers that they don't actually get to the carnival in this chapter. (That happens in chapter two.)

A Day at the Carnival.

Chapter One: The Delights of Spam.

"Yami, what are you doing?"

"Checking my e-mail." Bakura clicked frantically, trying to find the right button. The laptop screen went blank. "Stupid thing! It must have broken!"

"You just told it to shut down, actually."

The spirit cursed in Arabic and switched it back on. "…Finally!"

('FATAL ERROR 109.23' appeared on the screen.)

Ryou's eyes narrowed. "Since when did you have e-mail? Or, come to think of it, a laptop?"

"This hunk of metal? It's Kaiba's…uh…spare one."

"Oh, okay." Ryou turned to go, then realised what his yami had said and spun around. "What?!"

Bakura hastily connected to the Internet before Ryou could do anything. 'Receiving message 1 of 45' flashed up on the screen. The Ring-spirit smiled. "I'm so popular." He scrolled carefully down, looking at his messages. "Ryou, do I want a lifetime's supply of Viagra? It's only $99.99 plus P & P."

Ryou shook his head firmly. "No, you don't. Besides, you've already used up all my money when you went on Ebay and bought tickets to see that Britney concert."

A dreamy look appeared on his yami's face. "That was the best concert ever."

"Yami, you didn't even go. You were having a water fight with Yugi's yami, remember?"

"That's not the point. The thing is, Britney and I would make the perfect couple."

"Yeah, if you don't count the three thousand year age gap."

Bakura scowled. "Oh shut up. You're just jealous because I'm more mature than you." He turned back to "his" computer. There were 42 identical e-mails titled, "The most important message of your life." He was about to open one, when his hikari stopped him.

"Don't bother. It's bound to be spam."

Bakura gave him a look. "Ryou, why do you always believe everything you read in computer books?"

"Um, because they're right?" the hikari offered.

Bakura snorted. "Sure. You'll be telling me the world is round next."

"It is."

"Yeah right. Why are you so gullible?"

"I'm not gullible!" Ryou protested.

"Uh huh. You keep believing that if it makes you happy." Bakura right-clicked on a message and chose 'open.'

'PENIS ENLARGEMENT!!!' screamed the heading. 'Only $49.99 per centimetre!'

The spirit of the Ring still wasn't very good at reading Japanese. Slowly and painstakingly he spelled out each letter, getting louder each time. His light resorted to sticking his fingers in his ears.

"Ryou, what does this mean?"

"Uh…I'll tell you when you're older."

"…Oh. Okay." Bakura opened the last message. "Cool. It's from Malik."

According to the computer, the e-mail had only been sent five minutes ago. It simply said 'PHONE ME!' in bright red letters. The spirit shrugged at this. "I guess I'd better phone him. How do you turn this thing off?"

"I'll do it," Ryou offered. He took the laptop, but his yami snatched it back.

"No! My computer! Mine!" He examined it carefully for an 'off' switch, but couldn't find one. "Oh well." He threw it out of the window. "…That worked."

"Yami! That was a brand new window! What am I going to tell the insurance company?"

Bakura was unconcerned. "Tell them I had a seizure or something." He picked up the phone and dialled Malik's number. It rang fourteen times with no answer. Bakura shrugged again and tried his mobile. It was picked up on the first ring.

"Bakura? Please tell me that's you."

"Uh yeah, last time I checked." In the background he could hear girlish giggling.

"Can you-" There were several ripping sounds, then Bakura indistinctly heard the Egyptian yelling, "Give that back! Yami, I'm warning you, give the phone back NOW or you'll be going to bed early!" Then: "Nooooo…!"

The next voice Bakura heard sent a shiver of fear down his spine. A familiar insane giggle made the hairs on the back of his head stand up. "Hello, Bakura."

There was a sinister laugh. The Thief's face went white with fear. "A-Anzu? What are you doing at Malik's house? And where is he?"

"Oh, Malik's a little…preoccupied at the moment." Another giggle. Then a smash, and the handset was snatched away.

"H-Hello?" Malik was panting heavily.

"What in the name of Ra is happening out there?"

"My yami invited Anzu round so he could help us get ready for our date. You know, the one he arranged yesterday. Bakura, you have no idea the torture they are putting me through. I've managed to wipe off most of the lipstick, but now they want to play Kiss Chase. And Anzu is 'it.' I don't care if you carry me out on a stretcher, you have to get me out of this mad house."

"Isn't Isis helping?"

"No, she went to the strip-club about twelve hours ago. I haven't seen her since."

"Ah. Well, I'll pop round tomorrow and send whatever's left of you to the hospital in a matchbox. Bye now."

"No! Don't let them take me!" More screams. Then:

"The person you are calling is unavailable. Please try again later."

Bakura thought for a moment. "How much later? I'm kinda busy."

"Next year would be fine." Yami Malik hung up, sniggering.

…………….

"Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Nope." Bakura rang the doorbell loudly. When no one answered, he grinned. "Okay Ryou, stand back. I've always wanted to try this." He approached the door at a run and kicked it down. Or tried to.

"Shit!" the spirit howled, clutching his foot. "Dammit, the people in movies make it look so easy!"

"You know, you could just try turning the handle."

His yami gave a derisive snort. "Yeah. Sure. As if that would work."

Ryou turned the handle and the door swung open with an annoying squeak. He gave a smirk. "You were saying?"

Bakura growled and pushed him to one side. "MAAAAAAAAALIK?"

Yami Malik appeared with a grin. "I'm his… representative." He was clutching a headless Barbie in one hand and the Millennium Rod in the other.

Bakura's eyes narrowed. "Where's Malik?"

Yami Malik giggled. "Malik is out of his mind at the moment. Please leave a message." He giggled again. "I love saying that. It gets funnier every time."

There was a desperate cry from behind him. "No! Not the eyeshadow! Anything but the eyeshadow!"

"But you know you like it!" Anzu called. "Just let me try it in pink!"

Ryou raised an eyebrow. "You know, Malik's going to be needing therapy for the next ten years to be getting over this."

Yami Malik looked crestfallen. "He'll recover that quick? Damn."

"Yeah, it's a tremendous pity," Bakura said with feeling. "Anyhoo, we need to…uh…borrow him for a while, so if you don't mind…" He started edging past meaningfully.

"But we're having such fun!" The Psychotic One protested.

"Well…"

Ryou cut off his yami pointedly. "We want Malik back now," he said firmly. "Preferably in less than twenty pieces."

"Fifty." Yami Malik had a crafty look in his eyes.

"Thirty."

"Thirty-five."

"Done." Ryou and Yami Malik grinned, both convinced they had come off best.

Bakura wasn't going to let such a good opportunity go amiss, though. "Tell you what, you give the Millennium Rod and we'll let you keep Malik. In forty-nine pieces."

The Psycho's eyes widened. "It's a deal." He snickered suddenly. "Just…let me go get it."

He ran into the kitchen, and Bakura gave his hikari a triumphant look. "My Ra, I'm good. Go on, say it."

"I don't know about this…" Ryou began doubtfully.

The Tomb Robber made flapping gestures with his hands. "Hikari, stop spoiling my moment."

The Psycho returned from the kitchen, holding the Millennium Rod. Ryou peered at him suspiciously. "Why did you have to go into the kitchen? You were already holding the Rod."

The spirit blinked. "I had to…turn the safety catch off. Yeah, that's it." He shooed them both out of the house. "Wonderful doing business with you, don't come again, goodbye." He slammed the door and ran off rather quickly.

Ryou stood uncertainly on the doorstep. "That was…fast."

"Yeah, whatever. Come on, I can't wait to use this thing." Bakura held up the Rod triumphantly as he spoke. It gave a strangled shriek and turned into a rubber chicken.

"…Cool. I didn't know it could do that."

His light groaned. "Have you any brain cells AT ALL? We've been tricked. Or should I say, you've been tricked. He's given us a fake." He eyed the door. "I'm going to kick it down."

Bakura raised an eyebrow questioningly. "Are you sure that's a good idea? You know what happened to me last time. Maybe you should try the handle first."

"Don't be stupid, he's probably locked it. Anyway, shut up. I've always wanted to try this." Ryou launched himself at the door…and bounced off. There was a hilarious 'poing,' and Bakura burst into hysterical laughter. His light gave him a death-glare. "What's so goddamn funny?"

"Poing!"

Ryou shook his head and turned the door handle. It was unlocked, of course.

Yami Malik was standing in the hallway. Without looking up he recited, "No, we don't want to donate money, buy raffle tickets, have any cars washed or arses kicked." He looked up. "Oh, it's you. Crap."

He tried to close the door, but Ryou stuck out his foot and stopped him.

"We've changed our minds. Can we…um…exchange goods?"

The Psycho leered at him. "If you want an exchange you must show a receipt. Then we will give you another Item of lesser or equal floppiness."

Ryou scratched his head, temporarily baffled. His yami ran forward and punched Yami Malik. "Judo-chop!"

The Psycho stared at him, totally unaffected. "Do you want me to fall to the ground or something?"

"Yeah, that'd be great."

Yami Malik shrugged and fell to the ground.

Ryou rolled his eyes. "Oh for God's SAKE." He glared at his yami. "Don't you know that karate is a lot more effective than judo? Observe." He hit Yami Malik and yelled, "Karate-chop!"

The spirit shrieked and curled up into a ball. "Please don't hurt me."

Ryou blinked. "Did I actually hurt you? I'm really sorry."

"I forgive you." Yami Malik stuck out his foot and tripped Ryou up. "Not."

"Ryou! Nooooooooooo!" Bakura dashed to his hikari's side and helped him up. "You okay?"

"Um, yeah."

"Oh goodie. Because if YOU died that would mean I would die to. Which would be slightly inconvenient."

The hikari raised his eyes to the ceiling. "And for a moment I thought you cared."

Bakura just looked at him blankly. "Cared about who?"

Ryou sighed. He nimbly dodged Yami Malik, who was just getting up, and shot into the main room. Malik was there, with Anzu lying on top of him in an…interesting position. The white-haired hikari blushed. "Am…am I interrupting something?"

"For the love of Ra, help me!"

Anzu frowned. "Who is this Ra-girl? I warn you darling, I can get very jealous in a relationship. Just tell me it's all over between you and her."

"No! Wait! You can't go out with him!" Ryou shouted desperately.

The girl arched an over-plucked eyebrow. "And why not?"

"Because…because he's taken," the hikari continued wildly.

Malik nodded encouragingly. "You heard him. Sorry to deceive you and all that, but there you go."

"Who with?" Anzu whispered.

"With…um...er…" Ryou stuttered.

"Anyone!" Malik mouthed silently. "Just say a name!"

"With…uh…me!"

Anzu's mouth fell open. Then, with a wild scream, she started hitting the Egyptian over the head with her handbag. "No! It isn't true! Malik darling, say it isn't true!"

"…"

"No! You're mine! MINE!"

Within seconds Malik had become buried under a mountain of purses and make-up.

"How can this be?" Anzu sobbed. "How can the love of my life be GAY?!"

Her eyes fell on Ryou, and she let out a low growl. The white-haired teenager gulped and backed away. "Um…"

"You stole him from me!" the girl shrieked.

"But-" Malik protested. Dammit, I'm not gay!

Anzu cut him short. "How could you leave me for a boy even more girly than I am?" she wept.

Ryou's eyes widened. "Who are you calling girly?" The teenager happened to be very sensitive about his girliness. After all, it wasn't his fault he was good-looking, even if it was in a …girly sort of way.

Feeling an uncharacteristic (and girly) anger take hold of him, he seized a chair conveniently placed near the door and hurled it at Anzu. She caught it, twirled it around her head expertly and with a yell slung it back. The white-haired hikari was promptly crushed under said chair.

Anzu pumped her fist into the air. "Yes! Xena, Warrior Princess strikes again!"

From the outside corridor came several crazy shouts. Then there was a bang, and then silence. A few moments later Yami Malik skipped in happily, holding up a violently wriggling Bakura by the shirt collar.

"Look! I caught the Thief! I'm so clever!"

Bakura squirmed under his tight grip. "Eww, the Psycho's touching me. Someone get him off. Ra knows where he's been."

Ryou, with some struggling, pulled himself out from under the chair. (Yami, why don't you just go back into the Ring?)

((Oh yeah…))

The spirit promptly vanished. Yami Malik was left holding a handful of air. "Huh?" He blinked several times, obviously confused.

"Ha ha!" Bakura came back out of the Ring and reappeared next to him, grabbing the Millennium Rod out of his hand. "Yoink!"

The Psycho blinked again. "Wow. I have one of them too. In fact it looks a bit like-"

The truth dawned after a moment and he screamed, "THIEF!"

"Yup, that's me." Bakura looked very pleased with himself. "Cool. I'm famous. Anyhoo-" he stepped neatly out of the way as the enraged Psycho made a crazy lunge for the Rod- "I think this is our cue to leave. Come on Ryou."

"Don't forget me!" Malik scrambled out from under the avalanche of make-up, to find Anzu blocking his way, baring a mascara brush as if it were a sword. "Aaaaah!"

"There's no escape," the girl hissed. "I haven't given up on you yet. We were destined to be together, I know it…"

Bakura suddenly had a great idea (in his opinion). "Why don't you try all that make-up out on the Psycho? They practically look the same anyway."

A gasp. "B-Brilliant!" Anzu squealed. "Also, no offence Malik, but your yami is kind of cute. I love the way he kills anyone who annoys him. He's not as cute as you are, though."

"Glad to hear it," the Egyptian mumbled sarcastically

"Although he'd probably look really hot in leather," Anzu continued thoughtfully. There was a dreamy expression on her face. "You know, like Yugi's yami. With lots of buckles and stuff." Her gaze fell on the psychotic yami in question, who was starting to look nervous.

He gave a strained laugh. "N-no way, d-don't listen to h-him-" His purple eyes widened as Anzu took a step towards him.

"Just let me try it in lavender. It would go so well with your eyes…"

"Nooooooooo…!" With a yell of pure terror Yami Malik bolted out of the room and ran for the stairs.

"Come back!" Anzu called. She chased after him, waving her make-up boxes frantically. "You have so much wasted potential!

Malik put his head around the door, watching his yami's flight for freedom. "…I hope he makes it."

"You cracked as well?" Bakura scoffed.

"No. But it's obvious even to me that lavender wouldn't suit him."

The Tomb Robber shrugged. "Fair enough."

Malik sighed. "At least maybe she'll forget about me, now that we told her I was gay. I mean, her face when Ryou told her he was my boyfriend…"

Bakura let out a cry of horror. "You…you're dating my hikari? Ewww! Have you no taste?"

(Huh, thanks yami.)

((It was my pleasure, believe me.))

"No! I mean, no as in I'm not dating Ryou. Ugh. Um, no offence or anything, Ryou, by the way."

"None taken. Well, a bit."

"Anyhoo, what're we gonna do now?" Bakura followed the two lights out of the front door as he spoke. "Malik? Any ideas?"

"Nope."

"Ryou?"

"Um…" The white-haired hikari said the first thing that came into his head. "…Read a book?"

Hi yami gave him a disgusted look. "All you had to say was 'no.'" He gazed around them. "Dammit, we have to do something! I'm bored already!" Looking up at the sun, he implored, "Oh Ra, give us a sign!"

A leaflet tore loose from the tree it was pinned to and blew straight into his face.

"…That was quick." Bakura unfolded the leaflet curiously. It was an advert for the local carnival, the sort with coconut shies and Ferris wheels and the like.

"Hmmm. Seeing as we've nothing better to do, why don't we go to this?"

Malik shrugged. "Okay." The two Egyptians dashed off with astonishing speed, leaving Ryou behind.

"Hey! Wait for me!"

"Whatever!" his yami called back.

"Oh for God's sake," Ryou mumbled. Out loud, he yelled, "You're going the wrong way!"

The Thief skidded to a halt, turned around 180 degrees and sprinted back, leaving Malik to catch up. "Just testing you, hikari."

(Yeah right.)

((What did you say?))

(…Of course you were.)

"Oh. Okay then." Bakura looked up in surprise as Malik rejoined them. "Where did you go?"

"I didn't go anywhere! You left me behind!"

"No I didn't. Anyhoo-" the spirit continued before the Egyptian could interrupt, "which direction are we really supposed to be going in?"

Ryou consulted the leaflet briefly. "That way." He pointed to the same direction that his yami had taken originally.

"What?! You said that was the wrong way! You just did that to make us wait for you!"

"And you have a problem with that?"

"No. Should I?"

Malik had raised an eyebrow so high it had virtually disappeared. "My Ra, you two are the strangest people I know." He paused, then added as an afterthought, "except my yami."

"That's different. He's crazy. I'm not," Bakura stated.

The Egyptian cleared his throat loudly. cough yeah right cough

"Just what are you implying?"

Malik attempted an innocent grin. To say it didn't work was an understatement. He ended up looking like a serial killer. "Nothing."

Bakura was thick, but he wasn't that thick. "Very funny."

Ryou thought it was, actually, and was trying unsuccessfully to hide a smile.

His yami gave him a death glare. "What's so amusing?"

Ryou promptly gave him the most innocent look imaginable. It was so sweet it put Malik's look to shame. "Yami, you know I would never dream of mocking you." cough loser cough

Malik immediately started laughing again. Bakura gave up. "…Fine, whatever. Let's go!" He made a move as if to run off again, but Malik was ready for him this time and grabbed the back of his shirt, causing the spirit to trip.

"Why you little-" He started chasing the Egyptian down the street.

Ryou sighed, and followed more slowly. "Why do I suddenly have a bad feeling about this?"

"Oh shut up, hikari." Bakura made another futile grab for Malik, and missed again. "Dammit!"