Inspirational Song – "Does He Love You" By Rilo Kiley, How Soon is Now by The Smiths
Marco pulled a pair of pants on as quickly as he could, and ran from his room quickly down the stairs to the kitchen. "Momma, Papa! I'm going out to pick up some…uhh…Last minute project stuff!" He has been lying to his parents for so long now. What's the harm in a little white lie? "Be careful, Marco!" His father shouted back to him, not caring really. He was more interested in the Hockey Game.
What was wrong with Spinner? It had to be something serious. Last night had gone so well, and suddenly he was being rude again? Something had to have been up. Something terribly wrong.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So many things were running through Spinner's head. Too much for him to handle. To much for him to even begin to sort out. Why had he helped Marco? Why had he helped him get who he wanted? He could have left things the way they were. Why did he have to bring that mother fucker into this GODDAMNED relationship? It could've been him and Marco for ever. He had loved Marco. It was obvious. And it wasn't something he was happy about. He hated himself for it. How could he – Spinner – become a faggot? How was it possible? There was no way in hell he would ever act on these impulses. He was going to live a normal life, as a normal man, with a normal family. He would continue dating Paige, and give no attention to any man. Ever. These things can be suppressed, if he only tried hard enough.
"Spin! Spin! Where are you going?" Marco's car pulled up next to the boy who was now walking slowly down the street, starring straight ahead of him. "For a walk." He stopped the car now, and got out putting a hand on Spinner's shoulder. "GET OFF ME." He shouted, and turned around quickly, starring down at the smaller boy. "What is wrong with you, Spinner? What's going on?" The taller boy began walking away as fast as he could. "Don't turn your back on me now!" Marco shouted at him, standing on his tippy toes, hoping that he would be louder if he did so. "I've got to." He shouted back, never turning to look at him. "You don't have to, why do you have to!" He was chasing after him now. Walking slowly behind him, turning back every couple of seconds to make sure his car was still there. "Spinner, answer me!" He sped up to be next to him, and the he just began to walk faster. "Answer me, god damnit!"
"DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'VE PUT ME THROUGH?!" He released his rage quickly, turning to him, and pushing Marco into the steel linked fence next to them. "DO YOU?!" He pushed him again, and Marco screamed in pain. Spinner was much stronger than he was. He wasn't going to try to defend himself. "You just don't understand it." He turned away from him and began walking again. "I don't understand it, Spin? I don't understand it?" The smaller boy followed Spinner, tears welling in both their eyes. "You put me through the exact same thing." He turned to look at him and gave him a questioning look. "Oh please, don't give me that fucking look. I know exactly what you're talking about. You have to accept it, Spin. It's not something to pass off." He began walking again. "I don't know what you're talking about" He stated stoically. "Bullshit!" Marco shouted. "That is bullshit. Fucking bullshit! You know exactly what I'm talking about. Spinner, talk to me. If you can't talk to me about this, who can you?"
"I don't NEED to talk to ANYONE." He was crying now. Genuinely crying. For the first time in so long, he was crying. He couldn't let Marco see him cry. It would just prove how much of a fag he truly was. "Please, Spinner," He pleaded "Talk to me. Please." At that moment, Spinner couldn't handle it anymore. Things were just getting to be too much. He had only carried the burden for ten minutes, and already, it was too much to hide. He had to come clean to the one person he truly loved. The one person who was always there for him, and will always be there for him. He turned to Marco, fell into him, and began sobbing.
He couldn't believe it. Spinner was bigger than him, so he braced himself, as he caught him, and wrapped his arms around him. "It's okay, Spin. I know…" He comforted him. "It's all okay. Everything's gonna be alright, okay?"
The tears didn't stop for a long time. He cried deeply into his shoulder, not being able to hold any of it back. Marco led him back to his car and sat him down in the back seat, seating himself in the driver's seat, and pulled into the nearest parking lot. He had stopped crying as hard by now, and was wiping his nose with his sleeve. "Awww, don't do that." Marco laughed, and pulled napkins from his glove compartment. He pulled the latch on the door and sat himself in the back seat next to Spinner, whose head fell immediately on his shoulder. "C'mon, Spin. It's not that bad." He joked, but joking wasn't the right thing at this moment. "It is!" He cried and blew his nose in one of the napkins. "It's worse than you think, Marco." Marco took a napkin and wiped beneath the other boy's eyes, and smiled at him. "No more crying, Spin. None. I won't allow it in my car. You gotta smile, now! The worst part is over. Admitting it is the hardest part." He began scrubbing his cheeks now, making sure he was completely dry. "God, I can't believe this…" Spinner sighed. "I can't believe this. I can't believe I'm actually doing this." He laughed, which was a good sign. He was listening to Marco. Marco had been through this once before, and he knew he could trust him. "I know, I know." Marco threw his arm around Spinner, pulling him closer to him. "But you know what?" Spinner looked up at him, "It's better this way. No more lying to yourself. No more lying to anyone else. It's time to come clean. Completely."
No more lying to anyone else. That meant he'd have to tell Paige! How was he supposed to do that?! It was an impossible feat. He could live through this! He wouldn't need to tell Paige! He could just… pretend he wasn't gay! They could last! If he told Paige, she'd tell everyone, and no one else could know! No one! "You've gotta tell her, Spin." Marco's voice broke his thoughts. How did he know what he was thinking? "Remember what happened to me and Ellie? It doesn't work. You've got to tell her."
"It doesn't work like that, though! I've got a reputation! You didn't! Everyone already thought you were gay." Marco laughed, and rolled his eyes. "It didn't matter! But with me, it's different! I'm the asshole who fucked up your life for an entire week, remember?! I'm the asshole who wrote you were a fag in the bathroom!"
"You can't think of it like that, Spin. You've gotta forget all of that crap. Just think of it as a new beginning. It's a new Spinner! A new you!" He laughed, and hugged him closer. "I can't believe I'm doing this…" He said again, and started laughing. Slowly at first, but soon it grew to a hysterical laughter, one that couldn't be controlled. "What?" Marco looked at him like he was crazy. "What's so funny?" He couldn't help himself. He began laughing as well, as if he understood the joke as well as Spinner did. "This all just, too fucking much." Spinner choked out between laughs.
After the laughter died down, they both sat there, silent for a long time, listening to the songs on the radio - the same songs that played the night they drove to the beach. "Hey, Spin?" Marco, again, broke the silence. "Yeah?"
"What do you think about Jimmy?" He laughed, and Spinner laughed as well. He had never really thought of Jimmy like this before, of course, he had, but he had never given it any real thought. "I guess he's uhmm…kinda…cute." The words were forced, he couldn't get them out. It was just too weird. Marco cringed when he said it and laughed. "God that was odd…" He said. "Too weird…" Replied Spinner. Marco pushed on.
"What about Craig?"
"Craig's hott." He noted, and they both laughed hysterically.
"Brad Pitt?" Questioned Marco
"Gorgeous!" Shouted Spinner, and again they laughed.
"Oh god, this is so weird! Sean!"
"Eh, he's got potential at least!"
"Dylan?" Spinner didn't answer. He wouldn't. The name brought out so much jealousy, and so much hatred in him.
"Spin?"
"Yeah?"
"What about Dylan?" Spinner didn't look at him. Instead he pulled away slowly. "You don't like him, do you? It's because he uhhh…'stole me' isn't it?" Spinner nodded. "What do you mean by 'stealing me'? Did you mean – uhhh, just as friends? Or uhm, y'know. Like – uhhh… Y'know." The words wouldn't come out. Spinner having a crush on Marco? It was impossible.
'Shit!' Thought Spinner. 'Fuck – Cock – Ass! DAMN!' The expletives could be explained. While in a jealous rage that night at the beach, Spinner had exposed to Marco his biggest secret! He had a crush on Marco! Not just a crush, he was IN LOVE with Marco! Head over heels, madly in love with him! Spinner was speechless. What was he supposed to say? Was he supposed to tell him "Yes, Marco! I love you!" Or was he supposed to say that he stole him in a friendly way?! No. This was a new Spinner. A new truthful Spinner. One who never lies. No more lies! None!
"Well – " He started, but stopped. He had no idea what to say. "Y'know, well – Uhhmm…Y'know who like --- uhm. Like…" He still had no idea what to say. He was just stalling. He was stalling and thinking. He tried to think of something, but nothing came to mind. Nothing was right. No words would come to him and he couldn't think of anyway to explain this. Suddenly, kissing him seemed like a good idea. But Spinner's good ideas sometimes were just bad ones wrapped in gift paper. He didn't care, good or bad. This was the new improved truthful…
He leaned in quickly, not thinking, really, and kissed him. His lips were warm, and soft. It was a new sensation, a new feeling like he had never felt before. The warmth he felt on his lips, and the warm heavy feeling he felt in his heart were like nothing he had ever felt before. The void had been filled, the night was suddenly full with stars, his canteen was full. He pulled away slowly and looked straight into the smaller boy's eyes, which searched his own. They were both at a loss for words. Marco's breathing became heavy, and he quickly got out of the car and began walking away.
… stupid, idiotic, impulsive Spinner!
"Marco, Wait!" He shouted. "I'm sorry!" He followed him. It was like a game of cat and mouse tonight. Someone was following someone wherever they went! "I'm sorry!" He repeated and Marco stopped and turned to look at him. "It's not your fault! It really isn't!" Spinner was surprised by this. Apparently Marco was more in tune with his own emotions. He knew how to handle himself. "It's my fault. I should've stopped you, or – or pulled away, or something!" He said quickly, but Spinner shook his head. "It's not that I don't like you, Spinner. It's just that… I've got Dylan, y'know? And, although it's a meaningless relationship now, you've got Paige. We just… we can't be doing this!" Spinner nodded again. He had no idea what to say. "If you need a ride, I'll give you one." Marco began walking quickly back to the car, but Spinner did not follow. "I'll walk, thanks." He called to him, but Marco did not respond. "I'll see you in school on Monday!" Again he did not respond. He just entered his car, and drove away.
"What the hell am I going to do now?" Spinner said out loud to himself, and began walking back home. 'I can tell Paige that I kissed one of her best friends – and her brother's boyfriend. Or I can keep this all to myself.' He couldn't keep it all to himself! He was the new improved truthful Spinner! But the new improved Spinner didn't seem like much of an improvement. He had to lie. He had to lie so as not to hurt anyone. He finally realized, for the first time ever, that his actions had an impact on everyone around him. Dylan – Paige – Marco. They were all directly impacted by his actions.
"So that's it then. A lie to protect someone else can't be bad, can it?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The music was too loud, and so were the guests. The room was too crowded, and it was much too hot. This party was not well organized. No one knew how many people were going to show up. No one anticipated this many people. There wasn't enough room to move. It wasn't like it was a fun party either. It was an irritating party filled with people Marco didn't want to see. Tonight was just one of those nights. Those nights where nothing seems to be going your way. He and Dylan had just had quite a large fight about privacy, which was started by Marco. He seemed to think that Dylan calling him that night seemed to be a little much. He felt "stifled" and wanted to "spread his wings". Translation: Marco's brain is all fucked up. What was he to do? What was he feeling for Spinner? There was something there, and he knew there was. He just didn't want there to be anything there. He wanted to ignore it, leave it alone. Nothing could happen between Spinner and himself. He had Dylan and Spinner was – well Spinner was Spinner. He had ignored Spinner for the past couple of days, and it seemed as if Spinner was ignoring him.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The music was at that perfect decibel, and so were the guests. The room was empty, not enough people dancing on the floor. Sure, there were a lot of people there, but not as many as Spinner had hoped. It seemed to be a great party, well organized with a lot of people invited. He figured there'd be this many people here. It was going to be an awesome party with awesome people that Spinner was dieing to spend time with again.. It was going to be one of those nights. Those nights where you get piss drunk and forget everything that happened to you. This week had been terrible. Everything had fallen down around him, and it was time to take his mind off of things. He had apologized to Paige, she understood, as she always did. After all, she did owe him money – lots of it. A party is just what he needs. A nice loud party with music and booze to take his mind off of everything that has crumbled before him. He was going to have a great time. Great normal time. Time that didn't involve being gay – with anyone. He didn't want to think about Marco like there. Those times were over – he was going to fight it again. He had Paige and Marco was – well Marco was a guy. He had ignored Marco for the past couple of days, and it seemed as if it was killing him! He didn't seem like the same normal Marco any longer! He was unhappy and was slacking on his work! Just the other day he had been chastised for not handing in a very important paper. It was so important even SPINNER handed it in. Spinner had done well at resisting him.
But it didn't feel right. He wanted to be there for him, to comfort him. To tell him "Everything's going to be alright." He wanted to take the smaller boy in his arms and keep him warm. He wanted Marco to laugh again. To smile, and to kiss him – one more time. But it wouldn't happen. And he couldn't let it happen. Ever again.
"C'mon Honeybee! We're wasting precious drinking hours!" Paige's voice rang clear over the loud noise emitting from the hordes of Mongols that had ransacked this usually quiet and normal home. The kitchen was full of loud impatient people. The rule was that once you got your beer from the kitchen, you were to leave it immediately. Make room for everyone else. Most adhered to the rule, but weren't so happy about it, and the edict was usually abandoned by the end of the night – as almost everyone was piss drunk by that point. Spinner had just taken the beer from the boy who was handing them out. He didn't really like beer, but whatever got him drunk quicker he'd take. With beer in one hand, and Paige in the other, he led her to the Patio area. The outside was deceivingly quiet. It was the area sanctioned for making out and for comforting crying friends – two complete extremes. He had every intention to get into Paige's pants, maybe that would take his mind off of things.
Kissing her wasn't the same at all. Her lips felt foreign and the taste of her mouth was absolutely disgusting. Spinner couldn't figure out why – maybe it was because of the beer or maybe it was because she was…a girl. Suddenly, the fact that he was kissing her didn't seem so appetizing. He pulled back quickly, feeling sick to his stomach, and keeled over fearing he might vomit any minute now. "Are you okay, Honeybee?" Her disgusting voice pierced his ears and made him more sick. He could feel now, that he wasn't going to throw up. It was the guilt that made him sick. It was the fear – the fear that someone might find out that he kissed…a man. He picked his head up and looked past her to see directly behind her.
Directly behind her was Marco. He had been watching them this entire time, and had just caught Spinner's eye. He took his beer bottle and went back inside. His insides gave another twist – another turn – and tied another knot. "Paige we gotta talk…"
"What's wrong?" Another knot.
"NOW."
"We're talking, Honeybee, we're talking!" He shook his head and pulled her farther into the shadows, farther down into the yard, past the dog house, past the shrubbery, next to the fence blocking access to the neighbors house. No one else could hear this.
"Well – uh…I…" He began, but he couldn't continue. Why was this all happening so fast? Why was everything flying by in a matter of seconds? Time had been ticking so quickly! How much of a quitting loser pussy was he? He had been hiding this for what, a week now? Why did he have to give in? It couldn't be this hard the whole time could it?
But in one week it had been this hard. Everything had been so tough to keep in and he just wanted to stand in the middle of the hallway and shout "I'M GAY." But he knew that doing that would lead to his untimely death. Well, not exactly, but something close to it.
"What's wrong?"
It was now or never. He could tell her now, and end everything – both his and Marco's. Maybe they could finally be together, maybe they could love eachother in peace and not have to worry about anyone else.
"I…Fuck. Paige – I don't know how to say this – at all. I - …I can't even –"
"Just say it!"
"I - …" His voice got low and hushed "I kissed Marco…"
"You what?"
"You heard me…"
She shook her head. "No, I didn't. You gotta be louder, sweety."
He sighed and shuffled his feet a little. "I – I – I kissed Marco." He was louder this time.
"YOU WHAT?!"
"I KISSED MARCO!" He was shouting now, but no one looked at him. If anyone was around them they were too busy in their drunken states, making out with their significant others. "I HEARD YOU!" Her eyes were wide, and she had this wild look in her eyes. Before Spinner could say another word, she smacked him – hard – across the face. "I can't believe you…" Her words were cruel, dripping with poison, and she stomped off, but she chased after. "Wait, Paige!"
"Wait?! You KISSED my BROTHER'S BOYFRIEND! SAYING MY BROTHERS BOYFRIEND IS ODD ENOUGH – BUT NOW HAVING TO SAY MY BOYFRIEND KISSED MY BROTHER'S BOYFRIEND?! DO YOU KNOW HOW ODD AND DAMAGING THAT IS TO A GIRL'S EGO!" The words rang loud across the lawn, and everyone heard now. Lights went on in the neighbor's home, and people were looking at them. "Do you have to be so loud?!" He followed her, and she stopped. "YES. I DO. I want EVERYONE to know that YOU KISSED MY BROTHER'S BOYFRIEND." He put a hand on her shoulder, trying to create a warmth, some kind of connection. "No you don't."
"Yes I do. And get the fuck off of me." Her nails dug into his hand as she grabbed it and pried it off of her shoulder. "You don't want to! You're going to ruin other people's lives!"
"You've already done that, thank you! Thanks to you EVERYTHING is all fucked up! Everything natural and right in the order of our tiny little high school! I'm supposed to be dating you – you're supposed to be girl crazy - and Marco is supposed to be dating MY BROTHER! It doesn't seem like that's going to last so long, does it?! You've fucked too much up tonight, Gavin Mason. I'm going…"
"How the hell are you going to get home?!"
"I'll walk!" She shouted, and she disappeared down the street. He wasn't going to try to catch up with her. It was too late now. She was right, everything had been ruined. Dylan's life was fucked up. Marco's life, Paige's and now especially his. He could hope and pray that no one would remember what she had been screaming. It would slip into nothingness with all the other activities the drunkards had taken part in. All the sloppy hook ups – the drunken kisses – and the unconscious blow jobs.
"She's right, y'know" Came the soft voice from behind him. It was monotone, and devoid of any kind of emotion. "Everything's fucked up now. You've ruined so fucking much now." The sound of shattering glass, and the wet feeling of liquid splashing against his ankles. It must've been beer. "You've fucked up so much for me. I had a perfect relationship. You didn't need to tell her, you know. You didn't need to tell her." The tears were too much to hold back now. They flowed freely from the taller boy's eyes. "I didn't need to tell her? You told me I needed to be honest." He turned to meet Marco eye to eye, but as soon as he did, a fist crossed his face. It hurt.
Not physically. No. Marco was physically weaker than he was. A lot. Marco's punch was like a child's, it was nothing. It was the fact that Marco punched him that hurt the most. That hurt more than the punch.
"Fuck you." Marco's voice growled. "Fuck. You. You've ruined so much for me. You have hurt me so much. I don't think I've ever felt this way – EVER. I don't think anyone has. In two days, you ruined my life. Now in a week you've made it worse. I forgave you – I TRIED TO FORGIVE YOU. And you just had to make things worse. I never want to see you – ever. Ever again." The sentence finished, and a crack sounded. The sound of Spinner rising up and swinging directly at Marco, and knocking him over. He didn't mean to. He didn't want to punch him. He didn't mean to. It just happened, like so many other things. He had acted on impulses again.
He had made another mistake. "I'm sorry…" He said quietly. "I'M SORRY, OKAY?!" Marco picked himself up. "I'm sorry…" The stress was too much to take. The nerves, the hate, the fear, the love it was all too much. Spinner's knees gave way, and he fell into Marco's arms, for the second time. His arms wrapped around the taller boy's large body, and they stood there, in that warm embrace for so long.
"You shut your mouth, how can you say I go about things the wrong way. I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does. There's a party if you'd like to go, you could meet somebody who really loves you. So you go, and you stand on your own, and you leave on your own, and you go home, you cry, and you want to die. When you say it's gonna happen now, but what exactly do you mean? See I've already waited too long, and all my hope is gone.""
- The Smiths