Ok, here we go, we're back on exactly where we left them, it seems like they're going to take millions of episodes to even get to Maggie's, that's actually a lie because there's one more after this; but I love road trips and I think that's maybe where this is coming from but we'll see, there's still the weekend at Maggie's to come and I don't really know where that's coming from or going to but I guess we'll see soon-ish!
I was going to put response reviews at the end of this but I haven't had time to write them and I wanted to get this up, but I am really appreciative of all of them and I will get around to it eventually ( - nine to fives are taking their toll…)
Anywho have at it and as ever let me know…..
"Just one, when I was with Richard." She said finally, bringing her head down, releasing her breath and looking over at Amelia. "I couldn't do it, I didn't want to do it, I didn't think it was fair on them, or on me." She said as she shook her head, resolutely avoiding Amelia's eyes as she looked down at the ground, scuffing her foot through a puddle again as she reached for the packet of cigarettes sitting on the hood, extracting one thoughtlessly as she took the lighter Amelia offered. "And now." She started with a mirthless laugh, "Now, I want to be with them, I want to be his wife and her mother, it was all something I could have had seven years ago and I decided then that I couldn't take a gamble like that, that I wasn't willing to take that risk, I wasn't prepared to do it, and now, I'm so close to screwing it all up for them instead." Abby shook her head biting her jaw again momentarily before bringing the cigarette to her lips and sparking the lighter, more in an effort to stop herself carrying on than anything else.
"Do you honestly think that you're going to screw their lives up?" Amelia asked frowned concern on her face.
"I honestly think that I can say with complete certainty that I can't promise them that I won't one way or another." Abby said assuredly, running her tongue over her lower lip as she looked over at Amelia.
"Well no one can promise that they'll never screw anything up, that's life, everyone fucks things up." Amelia reasoned with a frown, drawing another cigarette out for herself.
"Not like this." Abby shook her head, biting at her lip before taking another pull on her cigarette.
"Which part are you really worried about in all of this?" Amelia frowned slightly as she looked over at Abby. "Are you worried about you hurting them, them hurting you or what's gone before, what's already happened?" She asked shaking her head a little as she pulled herself up, using the bumper as a step, pushing herself up to sit fully on the hood of the car, resting her elbows on her knees as she gratefully took the lighter Abby handed back to her.
"I don't know, all of it, there are so many things I could have done differently, thing could have worked out a whole other way, and that prospect, it just, I don't know, I never expected any of this, I never expected to feel this way and now, it just, it seems like anything could happen and that's not something I want to deal with." Abby said as she scanned the distance, searching the blackness beyond the shelter for answers.
"Say things had worked out differently, say you'd made different choices then you wouldn't be standing here, you wouldn't be with the people you're with in the situation you're in, do you think that would be better, from a purely selfish perspective, from where you think you're at, would you rather it was a different way?" Amelia asked leaning forwards, her eyes gazing off in the same direction as Abby's as she brought her cigarette to her lips and directed her gaze towards Abby. After a pause Abby replied.
"Well ideally it wouldn't be freezing cold and raining." She said as she looked over at Amelia with a resigned eye-roll, Amelia's face cracked into a grin as she let out a breathed chuckle and nodded her head in agreement. "But no actually I don't think I would." She said honestly, an eyebrow raised as she tipped her head and smiled slightly at Amelia, she smiled back mildly and gave Abby an acquiescent nod. "It doesn't make it easier to accept though, I'm worried that I might be using her as a replacement for something that I never let myself believe I wanted." Abby said, her voice quiet again suddenly, avoiding Amelia's eyes again. Amelia paused and swallowed hard, clearing her throat before looking back over at Abby's profile.
"That's something only you can know." Amelia said her voice quiet, honest and sympathetic as Abby brought her head back around, her eyes darting to Amelia's and then away quickly.
"I still think about it." She said quietly, her eyes darting too and from Amelia's as Amelia nodded her understanding. "Seven years." She said shaking her head slightly, her eyes diverting out into the blackness again.
"You get caught up in the what ifs." Amelia said quietly as Abby began to nod again.
"I honestly believe it was the right decision, for then anyway, it was the only decision I think." She said her voice croaky as she steadied it consciously, her eyes narrowed, searching her mind for any other options she may have had. "But now I…I'm not sure; you've done it with Lauren and she's…" She paused laughing a little, forlornly. "She's here and she's great, and I don't know now, there wasn't another choice but it, just, maybe it wouldn't have been as bad as I thought it would be." She said shaking her head as her eyes began to water; she closed them slowly, her eyelashes sweeping against the top of her cheeks as she battled with her emotions.
"Abby." Amelia said quietly as she slid herself off the hood, flicking her cigarette into the darkness as she did, turning herself towards Abby as Abby shook her head and sniffed, wiping under her eyes simultaneously as she tried to make out she was fine.
"No, y'know, it was a choice I made, it was something I had to do, fuck, what would I have been bringing it into, an alcoholic mother, a father who was screwing everything and anything with a pulse and a family history of a debilitating, hereditary psychiatric disorder, the poor kid wouldn't have stood a chance." Abby frowned shaking her head, sniffing again as she let out a derisory chuckle.
"All of that doesn't change the fact that it would have been your kid." Amelia said quietly, kindly, gently, her eyes still fixed on Abby, unsure how to fix all this. Abby looked over at her and nodded slowly, the muscles in her cheeks flexing slightly, as she closed her eyes briefly shaking her head quickly, as if trying to dispel the thoughts.
"How did you get over the fear of reliving all of this, how did you have the courage to go through with it?" Abby asked frowning over at Amelia, her face holding something of a bewildered expression as she shook her head, the aim of her question clear. Amelia paused and looked down at the ground, thinking for a moment, her face contemplative.
"I never had it to get over, I don't remember it," She said honestly, looking a little apologetic.
"D'you know, I think every major decision I've made in my life has been based on this disease, things I've done, things I haven't; I blame it for everything that's gone wrong, I blame it for the kind of person I am, all of it, I just, I don't seem to be able to do anything without thinking about the fact it's lurking there in the background and inevitably, it'll rear its ugly head at some point before too long." Abby said frowning, sighing more at herself than anything else.
"Don't let it color this Abby, don't not do this with Nick because something might happen with Maggie or Eric, don't give it up." Amelia shook her head, her tone almost forceful.
"It has to factor into it Amelia, it can't not." Abby said, her manner resigned, but her tone vehement.
"Fine, it should, it does, but surely you know that the pair of them want you to be happy, they know that you've spent your life looking after one or both of them, they appreciate that, and I swear to god, if something happens with either of them then I'm going to come with you to sort it, to help at least, but please let yourself take something from life, take something that you want, because if you don't let yourself love Imogen or Nick because you're waiting to get a phone call about Maggie or Eric, it's it'll…" Amelia said trailing off searching for what she wanted to say shaking her head, trying to convince Abby that she was already there, that she had it for the taking and if she wanted to take it; it was hers.
"Look you shouldn't have to hear all this, you're his friend, you don't need to hear all this stuff." Abby attempted, shaking her head, taking a deep cleansing breath as she pushed herself away from the bonnet of the car and turned towards Amelia, an almost apologetic look on her face.
"I don't mind hearing all this stuff y'know, if you want to talk about it then I'm more than happy to listen, you've listened to me enough times, and I almost consider myself as much your friend as I am his." Amelia said honestly, half smiling as she offered Abby one of the two cigarettes she'd just pulled from the packet.
"Thanks." Abby said as she plucked the cigarette from between Amelia's fingers and turned to lean on the car again; they both knew Abby wasn't just thanking her for the smoke as Amelia passed her the lighter and they remained silent. They stayed silent for a while, both smoking, one of those perfect, pensive, thought provoking cigarettes, the kind that still make your fingers tingle and brain lift, despite how many have preceded it, the kind that still give you the buzz, the buzz you got when you first started smoking, when it wasn't just a hard to break habit, when it wasn't something you felt the constant pull of, the tingle that armed your body and span your mind when you first did it, before anything else was required to allow you to revel in the all consuming feeling that took you out of the moment and put you somewhere else entirely.
"You want to be her Mom don't you?" Amelia asked quietly, her voice completely straight, her tone unassuming but there was something underlying her words that caused Abby to look over and up at her as she spoke, it was a subtlety, a search for honesty, a search for confirmation.
Abby watched Amelia for a moment, she swallowed and looked away, suddenly looking back to Amelia after half a beat, meeting her eyes, something almost resembling guilt swimming in her irises as she bit her lip and began to nod.
"Is that a bad thing?" She asked quietly, flicking the ash off the tip of her cigarette as she looked down and watched the tiny white flakes sweep away, mingling with the rain and the wind as they danced into the distance. She looked back at Amelia whose eyes she could feel still on her face, watching her; she ran her tongue over her dry lips looking almost nervous. Their eyes locked for a moment, Abby's looking for reassurance, Amelia's looking for honesty, they both found what they were searching for, Amelia smiled faintly and Abby began to nod again, slowly as she sighed.
"Abby, she wants you to be her mother, and she wants you to be there, and in my opinion, which, I know, doesn't really factor into any of this," She said with a slight, self-effacing shrug, before continuing. "But I honestly don't think she could make a better choice, you're good at this, you're better than good at this." Amelia paused smiling slightly still, her one emotion mixing with the next, as her face took on an almost pained expression. "But you need to know that you're good at this, because you are." She nodded and swallowed as she continued to hold Abby's eyes. "You're the one person she goes to if she can't sleep or if she's sleepy or if she's upset or if she's hurt herself, and she loves you as that person and you have her trust completely, and that's not something you can forge, it's something you earn, and if you've earned it then you disserve it and if that's the case then you get to be her Mom, and if that's something you want then it's something you have and it's not something that you should doubt." Amelia said as she rested herself beside Abby, looking away from her now as she brought her cigarette up to her lips again, pausing before she looked back at Abby. "But there are only two people who can make you believe that, one of them is her and the other one is you, I can say it and Nick can say it and Jesus, anyone who sees the pair of you together can say it but the two of you are the only ones who know how it works." Amelia said looking a little apologetic as she looked at Abby.
"I don't know if I've earned that though." Abby said quietly tearing her eyes from Amelia's, looking down at the puddles.
"Why?" Amelia asked quietly, concernedly as she fixed her eyes on Abby's profile. Abby sighed and shuffled her arms over her chest, pulling her black jersey cardigan tighter around herself as she paused and pouted, shaking her head confusedly as she stared away.
"I haven't done anything to disserve that, to disserve her trust or that kind of devotion." She said, looking confused, as she frowned and shook her head.
"You've been there Abby, you've talked to her you've made sure she was ok, you've not just been her Dad's girlfriend, you are and you always have been more than that to her and that's why she's the way she is with you." Amelia said frowning now as well.
"But that's not hard though, anyone can do what I've done with her, anyone." Abby shook her head, blinking again.
"I don't think that's true, and even if it is it doesn't matter because despite the fact anyone can do it, you're the one who's done it." Amelia said with an eloquent shrug.
"It still doesn't mean that I won't end up being shit at it though." Abby replied swinging her head over cautiously to look at Amelia again. Amelia paused as she took another drag, quickly bringing the cigarette away from her lips and exhaling before replying, after a slight chuckle.
"We're all shit at this, at parts of this, I mean, who isn't?" Amelia shook her head and pouted, squinting slightly as she continued. "None of us are saints, there's no set of written rules to say how you should raise kids, or how to be married to someone, or I don't know maybe there are but no one can follow all of them, all anyone has is some vague concept of how to do it and then you have to fill in the gaps." She shrugged and looked down at the ground. "Since I married Jasper, which is what almost two, two and a half months ago, I can count on one hand the number of times I've made dinner, and in that time I think that we've had maybe two whole weekends off together, and if you look at this idealistic concept of domestic bliss then really we should be making dinner for our families every night, pipe, slippers and all that shit, but realistically it doesn't work, it can't work, but there's no reason to bend yourself all out of shape to try and fit into a mould that you have no desire to fit." Amelia shrugged, a small smile playing on her lips.
Abby paused, narrowing her eyes, a trace of a smile creeping onto her lips as she turned her head to look at Amelia.
"Doesn't any of that worry you though, I mean, there is, to a point at least an image in society of how it's supposed to be, how it should work, all of this, wife, mother, all of it." Abby shook her head looking to Amelia still.
"The image is a sham, really, could you ever imagine yourself turning into the archetypal soccer mom, really? Can you ever imagine Nick wanting you to be that?" Amelia said looking as though the very thought horrified her, laughing slightly.
"No, but I never imagined myself in this position either." Abby asserted with a raised eyebrow.
"Well now you are in this position so it's up to you, no one's going to tell you that you have to handle it in any certain way, Jesus, I think just handling it at all is quite a feat." Amelia smiled, her admiration honest, but subtle, she knew Abby wouldn't appreciate her singing her praises.
"I seem to be flaking out though, I mean we've been together for almost a year now, and now I'm getting all weird and scared about it, and it's not the fact that it's happening that freaks me out, it's the idea that I might not be able to follow through on it, I see the getting married part, and I can see the beginning, but I can see how it's going to work out." Abby said taking a deep breath, exhaling slowly.
"That's just life though isn't it? If we all knew where everything was going, and how it was all going to end, then we'd spend our lives searching for the best way and never end up getting anywhere." Amelia shrugged.
"I still know that it's actually something I want, but I just I don't know if I can do it." She shook her head and kicked at the ground again.
"I think you can do it." Amelia said quietly as she looked down at the ground, watching Abby's foot splashing at the water, an honest almost blank, yet reassuring expression on her face.
"Yeah?" Abby asked looking over at Amelia who was already nodding.
"I think you're already doing it, in their minds you're a part of their family, the only question is, are they a part of yours." Amelia said smiling at Abby slightly, her eyes wide as they locked with Abby's. It's true, Amelia thought; the eyes are the window to the soul. She watched Abby for a moment; there was something in there that conveyed the kind of longing that only a very few people experience, the kind of heart crushing longing, the desire for something you can see, for something you want so very much, but you're not sure if you can have it, if you disserve it, or if you'd be better of denying yourself, for safety's sake.
"I think they'd be better of not being a part of my family." Abby said with an eye roll.
"You're going to have to start watching what you say now." Amelia smiled over at her, defending herself good-naturedly.
"No, but you know what I mean." Abby said, tipping her head slightly, just short of a shrug.
Amelia nodded and smiled at her; they lapsed back into silence, Amelia took one final drag on her cigarette and threw the butt away from herself as Abby dropped hers beside her foot.
"We should get going again, it's twenty past ten already." Abby noted glancing at her watch.
"Shit, yeah, we should." Amelia said pushing herself off the hood, not having realized it was that late.
"Thanks Amelia." Abby nodded over at her appreciatively as she headed for the door.
"You're more than welcome." Amelia smiled back as she pulled open the door and climbed back into the car, as did Abby. "But you have to understand if you don't let yourself do this then I'll take you're head and bang it against the closest wall, I'll fucking frog march you down that isle, and scariest of all, Birdie will fly out here and beat Nick round the head with a beer pump for letting you get away." Amelia said getting a little desperate, as she looked at Abby with a smile and a derisory chuckle as he eyebrows rose and her forehead tensed as Abby smiled over at her. "I'm not kidding." Amelia shook her head, trying to pull her face into a serious expression, falling somewhat short though.
"I'm not going to run from it Amelia, I won't, but it's all a lot to take on, it's the whole instant family thing, and it feels a little like I'm invading their lives, like I'm being accepted into something that isn't rightfully mine." Abby nodded over at her, the tone somehow suddenly lighter, along with her demeanor.
"They want you there Abby, you wouldn't be there if they didn't, and I can't see you being there unless you wanted to be." Amelia said smiling over at her genuinely.
"Jesus this serves me right for moving in with a guy whose motto for life is 'let it be'." Abby noted with an eye roll.
"It's positive you're focusing on that and not on the fact he wants to be 'your hero baby'." Amelia said trying not to let herself crack up as she fired the engine.
"He told you about that?" Abby asked her eyes widening slightly in disbelief.
"He told Jasper about it." Amelia said, her cheeks dimpling as she tried not to laugh.
"God, I thought he was going to keep that to himself, he was embarrassed about it when he was doing it even." Abby laughed slightly shaking her head.
"Yeah, well he had every reason to be, Enrique Inglesias, Christ." Amelia laughed shaking her head as she pulled out of the truck stop and back onto the free way.
"You all talk to each other way too much." Abby shook her head chuckling.
"I'll give you some bait too, this is good, I caught Jasper singing along to Christina Aguilaria in the shower the other day, that wouldn't have been too bad but he was doing the moves as well, the actual moves from the video." Amelia said raising an eyebrow as she looked over at Abby.
"I think you may have grounds for divorce right there." Abby said as she laughed.
"Yep that and intentional infliction of emotional distress." Amelia nodded her agreement.
Ok there you go, let me know…