Santa's Elf

Originally written for a Christmas challenge several years ago for the SB/RL list. This version is a bit toned down from the original.

Disclaimer: These characters are humbly borrowed from JK Rowling.

Summary: Remus finds a way to get Sirius to dress as one of Santa's elves.

Persistent car horns blared raucously in the street. They crashed through the bedroom window and drilled straight through the sleeping man's skull until they converged in a multi-toned holocaust at the epicenter of his hangover.

Semi-awake, and now aware of not only the automotive cacophony outside but also the pounding behind his bloodshot eyeballs, the black-haired man slapped a pillow over his head in an ineffectual attempt to smother sound. The horns finally stopped, yet it appeared that he would not be able to sink back into oblivion. His defense training half-heartedly kicked in.

First step: Remain motionless.

No problem with that one.

Second step: Determine one's location.

It certainly felt like his bed.

Third step: Be aware of the presence of others.

He couldn't hear or smell or sense anything out of the ordinary. Cautiously, his hand slid across the mattress. It didn't encounter another body. The thought was vaguely displeasing.

Fourth step: Assess one's physical condition.

Thirst, splitting headache, nausea, a taste of bile and beer and some other noxious alcoholic mixture at the back of his throat, and a tongue that felt like it needed a shave. Put it all together and he was positive that his diagnosis of a monster hangover was right on the money. 'Oh, yes, Black. You can't fool you. You know a hangover when you've got one.'

Now that his brain was somewhat engaged, his life began to return to him. He remembered a boisterous holiday party that started at a Muggle pub. The Red Lion? The White Lion? Once they started getting a little trashed, the sensible members of the group - Longbottom, Evans, Lupin, and Prewett - herded them towards the safety of Diagon Alley. The Leaky Cauldron had been packed, although Sirius recalled downing several shots of something with a fiery kick. His memory of the walk to The Spotted Dragon was sketchy.

The party had continued, with music and dancing and more alcohol. He danced the slow songs with Remus. That was crystal clear in his mind; their bodies pressed together, Remus' hands on his arse, the soft, clean-smelling honey hair against Sirius' face. He remembered kisses. Long, wet, deep, tongue-swallowing kisses.

And, somehow, he ended up alone in his bed. Another unpleasant thought.

With a groan, Sirius lurched upright, slid into a pair of sweat pants and a tee shirt and stumbled into the bathroom. He freshened up a bit, and chugged a few swallows straight from the bottle of Heeve's Hangover Cure. 'An aptly named product,' he thought sourly while he waited for his stomach to decide whether it would retain the liquid or angrily shoot it back up his throat.

The potion settled in place, but Sirius still didn't feel able to face the day. Perhaps coffee would help.

As he sat huddled at the kitchen table, nursing his second cup, he idly wondered where Remus had got himself off to. Like a genie called from a bottle, the door unlocked and his lover appeared, looking disgustingly cheery.

"Returned to the land of the living, I see."

"Hangover cures suck."

"How do you feel?"

"Like crap."

"Considering the amount of alcohol you consumed last night, I'm surprised you can sit upright, let alone form complete sentences."

"Oh, shut up."

"They're rather pithy sentences, but you do manage to get your point across." Remus leaned down to kiss his lover affectionately on the top of his head, ignoring the baleful glare.

"I've got your costume here. You will turn back into the charming rogue that I love by three this afternoon, right?"

Sirius looked at him blankly. "What are you on about?"

Remus' unfathomable hazel eyes narrowed with suspicion. "Don't think you're going to wriggle out of this! We made a bet, fair and square, and you lost! Even though I gave you three chances to back out, knowing how drunk you were, but no! You insisted! And you lost!"

Sirius had that horrible feeling that comes when one sees questions on an exam that deal with topics never studied. "Ummm…what bet?"

Remus gaze turned to one of complete astonishment. "You don't remember?"

With a shake of his head, a motion he immediately regretted making, Sirius said, "I haven't got a clue."

Remus snorted. "You bet me that you could recite more of the list of fantastic beasts from Scamander's book in alphabetical order than I could." He smiled pityingly. "You couldn't even say 'Acromantula.' I gave it to you anyway, but then you immediately forgot about Ashwinders and Augureys and jumped right to Billywigs." Remus shook his head in mock despair. "You never made it out of the A's. And to think all those Hogwarts professors thought you were such a bright lad."

There wasn't the faintest flicker in Sirius' memory of any of this. However, he had been royally drunk, so, maybe that shouldn't surprise him. His sluggish brain seized on something else Remus had said. "What was that bit about a costume?"

"That was the bet, you git! Loser has to dress up as one of Santa's elves and wander around the shops and sidewalks of Muggle London for two hours today, greeting all the children, and handing out candy canes. You'll be irresistible. Then, we're having dinner at James and Lily's flat. And, then, since you were completely useless when we got home last night, tonight you can make love to me for hours on end."

"That's the first sensible thing you've said in the last five minutes."

Remus said nothing, but his eyebrows arched pointedly. Sirius sighed. "Alright, alright, I'll wear the damn costume!"

Shortly before three o'clock, Sirius went in search of his elf suit. There on the bed was a neatly folded pile of scarlet clothing, topped by a stocking hat. The hat was decorated with a band of white fur around the edge and a large, silver bell hanging from its tip. Sirius shuddered at the sight and tossed the jingling thing aside. Frowning, he pawed through the rest of the clothing, separating the pile into its component pieces. There were entirely too many bells attached to the ends of things. "Quiet," he growled under his breath at the red fabric. He hated noisy clothing.

Sirius suddenly froze, his face a mask of horror. "I can't wear this!"

"Why not?" Remus asked innocently, leaning on the doorframe.

"There aren't any pants! You expect me to prance about in these…these…"

"Tights."

Sirius' mouth opened and closed several times. Remus tried not to laugh; he always got a kick out of shocking his lover speechless. "Don't worry. The top is tunic length. It'll cover most of your naughty bits."

"I'll freeze!" He looked beseechingly at Remus. "I'll get arrested!"

Remus merely glanced at the clock and back to Sirius' flushed face with not an ounce of pity. "It's almost three o'clock."

"Oh, bollocks!"

"Indeed. And, underwear is probably a bad idea. It'll bunch up under the tights and won't be at all attractive."

Sirius glowered at him. "Remus J. Lupin, I swear you will pay dearly for this."

Remus merely smiled beatifically. "I'll hit you with a warming charm once you're dressed. I want you to be comfortable as you spread your Christmas cheer. Oh, don't forget the boots." He left.

Muttering imprecations under his breath, Sirius stripped off his clothes and pulled on his costume. He was sure the tights would never fit over his long, well-muscled legs, but they showed an enormous capacity for stretching. They molded to his body like a second skin leaving very little to the anatomical imagination. He hastily donned the tunic.

The cuffs ended in the same white fur that adorned the hat. Fine, silken cords laced up the v-neck from sternum to collarbone. The tunic's hem was a series of serrated edges, as if a giant tailor had used monstrous pinking shears to cut the cloth. A silver bell hung from the tip of each edge. Sirius was willing to put up with the jingling he made with every step for the modicum of cover the tunic provided him. Glancing at himself in the mirror, he was dismayed to note that one bell hung exactly between his thighs. 'Why don't I just tie it to my cock and be done with it?'

He stepped into the scrunched red leather boots and jammed the hat on his head. Grabbing his wand, he stalked into the living room, looking for trouble. Remus was waiting and couldn't quite hide the avidity of his gaze as his eyes swept up and down the tall, perfectly proportioned vision in scarlet. The fact that the vision's smoky eyes were smoldering in barely concealed outrage only added to his pleasure. Licking his lips, he purred, "Mmmm…You look good in red."

Sirius' lip curled in a silent snarl.

They Apparated to the back of Westminster Abbey. It was easy to discreetly circle around the old church and mingle with the crowds of locals and tourists on Victoria Street. Remus crossed to the opposite side and timed his stroll to match Sirius' slow walk.

His progress was more crawl than walk. People gravitated to Sirius like planets to the sun as soon as the crimson-clad elf made his appearance. No wonder, really. The deep red contrasted brilliantly with the pure, white fur and the raven black hair. And when one stopped to consider the well-formed, young, hard body that was tantalizingly evident under those clothes, it was no surprise that Sirius had drawn a crowd.

As they continued their slow parade down the street, Sirius presented children with candy canes, making the sweets appear as if by magic from hidden pockets of his tunic. The children squealed with delight and gazed up at him with such admiration that he felt himself relaxing into his role, smiling and joking with the tots and their parents. He turned to flash a smile across the street at Remus.

It froze on his face when he saw Mundungus Fletcher's ugly mug grinning from a doorway. Fletcher winked lewdly at him. Ignoring him, Sirius continued on his way. He had just finished extracting himself from the clutches of some over-eager twins when someone bumped into him.

"Oh, sorry. Excuse me, Mr. Elf," said a very familiar voice. Sirius found himself looking into the dancing emerald eyes of Lily Evans. She melted back into the crowd. He took a few more steps before he noticed the Longbottoms standing at a street corner, practically swallowing their tongues in the effort not to burst out laughing at him. With growing horror, Sirius realized that he recognized quite a number of witches and wizards scattered along the street, all craning their necks to get a good look at him. 'That bastard!' Sirius fumed silently. 'He's told everyone about this!' Remus, he noted, had developed a sudden interest in the window display of a maternity shop.

"I wouldn't mind a lick of that stick you've got there," purred a woman's voice in his ear. A hand brushed against his thigh and fondled a bell hanging below his hip. Sirius turned to see an unknown, young blond standing very close to him. She batted her eyelashes and snaked her fingers around a candy cane.

A flash of inspiration lit up his eyes, changing them from gray clouds to dazzling diamonds. It was time for payback. Turning the famous Black smile up to its full incandescent wattage, he grinned at his accoster and gave her a hearty, "Merry Christmas, love!" Then he swept her up in a close embrace and kissed her, full on the mouth, to the applause of those gathered around him. She laughed as he released her, taking this in good sport.

The kiss changed the tone of Sirius' progress down the street, as he knew it would. He continued to joke with children and their parents, but the real fire came from a flirtatious charm turned up to almost lethal levels. Most of the women who came anywhere near him were drawn even closer by an irresistible attraction. None of them had any complaints about exchanging a kiss and a hug, and some didn't hesitate in letting their hands drift southward down the elf's body. Casting a surreptitious glance across the street, Sirius smugly noticed that Remus had stopped smiling.

Their progress eventually led them to Victoria Station. Sirius posed for a picture with his arms around two giggling teenagers. As he turned from them, Remus bumped into him and declared loudly, "There you are! I've been looking all over for you! We're going to be late if we don't leave now!"

He grabbed Sirius firmly by the arm and marched him towards the underground, accompanied by the disappointed whines from the crowd of Sirius' admirers. As they took their seats on the train, Sirius looked innocently at Remus. "Won't we be showing up too early at James and Lily's place?"

Remus glared. "Yes. Too bad. I had to get you out of there before you started a riot."

Sirius' grin became decidedly cheeky. "What you really mean is that you had enough of watching other people fondling and kissing your lover."

"Fondling and kissing with your whole-hearted encouragement! You're incorrigible!" Remus huffed indignantly.

With a laugh, Sirius pulled off his hat. "I warned you that you'd pay for this elf nonsense." He leaned closer to the still-sputtering werewolf, his face radiant with the smile that only Remus received. "You know you'll have me all to yourself later."

Remus slowly shook his head. "I should have realized you'd happily find a way to make a public spectacle of yourself." His eyes slowly traveled down the long-limbed body that barely touched his own. "And, yes, I'll have you all to myself later. Every bit of you."

They arrived at James and Lily's early enough to help with the dinner preparations. Sirius insisted on changing into the set of normal clothes that Remus had brought along for him, over-riding the teasing pleas of his friends to remain in costume. Peter Pettigrew showed up with his current girlfriend and the six friends had a highly convivial evening.

Remus and Sirius Apparated back to their flat. No sooner had Sirius turned from reinforcing the protective wards on their front door than Remus was on him, pinning him to the door, stealing his breath in a deep kiss that went on forever. Their lips, full and moist, slid together, tasting and feeling and stroking in deliciously familiar sensations. Remus' hands caressed Sirius, starting at his neck and slowly wandering down the length of his body, unbuttoning his shirt. His hands slid inside over the warm supple skin. His scalp tingled to the touch of Sirius' fingers sweeping through his hair. Remus grabbed possessively at Sirius' hips. He leaned in, pushing his thigh into Sirius' groin, hearing a barely audible hum of encouragement, as Sirius' teeth nibbled along his neck.

Remus pulled his head back. Their breathing audible, their eyes met and each saw the identical look of lust in the other's. "Want me?" Remus whispered, his voice dropping into his hoarse, bedroom tone. Sirius nodded, his eyes glittering even more brightly. Remus slowly moved away until only his fingertips nailed his mate to the door. "Stay," he commanded in a throaty murmur. Sirius stayed still, splayed against the wood, his entire attitude shrieking his surrender to Remus' desires.

Remus smirked. "I need to brush my teeth." He turned and walked quickly towards the bathroom, but not before he caught Sirius' look of wide-eyed shock at the need for a bathroom break. Smothering a chuckle, Remus tended to his various needs. When he was done, he glanced down the hall towards the door, wondering if Sirius was still standing, or if he had collapsed into a ball of sexual need on the floor.

He had vanished.

Stripping his sweater over his head, Remus sauntered into the bedroom. And froze in his steps at the delectable treat that awaited him. Sprawled across the black sheets like flame against midnight, was a very sultry, scarlet elf. Sirius had donned his costume and now lay waiting for Remus, a festive Yuletide offering.

His sweater falling unnoticed to the floor, Remus made no attempt to hide the feral grin that lit his features as he stalked over to the bed. Reaching down, he pulled off the soft red, leather boots. "I thought you hated this costume, Paddy."

"I do, but I decided to give you an early Christmas present and let you peel it off me. That was the whole point of this exercise, wasn't it?"

Remus' hands ran lightly up and down the firm calves, still smiling. Kneeling on the bed, he grasped each ankle and raised Sirius' legs so that, knees bent, his calves rested on Remus' shoulders. "So they were right about you at Hogwarts. You are a bright lad." His hands fondled the strong thighs in long, firm strokes. They slid down to cup and massage Sirius' arse and ran lightly back up to his knees. The tight fabric seemed to disappear under his fingertips as if there was nothing between them and the dancer's legs they explored. Sirius lay motionless, but the naughtily compliant look on his face showed he knew full well what was coming. He licked his lips with eager anticipation.

The tunic had to go. It kept too much hidden from view. Remus reached up and yanked the cords loose. Pushing the tunic up over Sirius waist with a musical cascade of bells, his eyebrows arched at what was revealed. "My, these tights can stretch! I'm surprised you haven't poked a hole in them!"

Leaning closer, he grasped his lover's legs right behind the knees and pushed them farther apart. Sirius' feet dropped back to the mattress and he dug in his heels, raising himself off the bed as Remus once again sought to get the tunic out of his way. With the grace of long-accustomed movement Sirius' whole body moved in one giant undulation in time with Remus' hands as they finally stripped the tunic past his chest, over his head and tugged it off his arms.

Remus stretched out to his full length atop his lover, nestled between his legs. One hand fumbled through the crumpled tunic and fished out the stocking cap. "Wear this for me?" He whispered, slipping the hat on top of the silky dark hair. His hands seized Sirius' head, holding him motionless, his thumbs sliding across the parted lips. Sirius' tongue flicked out with a teasing touch. Remus pressed his thumbs in past Sirius' teeth, chasing after that darting muscle, seeking to capture it inside the wet cavern of Sirius' mouth. His thumbs were strong and fast, but no match for this slippery, agile adversary. Fearing his elf was slipping out of his control, Remus snatched his thumbs away. It was time to subdue this tempting imp.

A kiss, starting soft and sweet, supple lips caressing back and forth, molding perfectly together until the liquid sensation demanded more. Their mouths battled. Their tongues wrestled. Remus writhed into Sirius' groin, his body already moving to the rhythms of the sacred, sexual dance they shared. All he felt was Sirius; the beautiful, strong body beneath his own, the searching fingers weaving through his tawny hair, the succulent mouth open to his invading tongue. And the firm, blatantly masculine bundle straining against the tight, red fabric, trapped against Remus' hip.

As delectable as these sensations were, Remus wanted more. Prying their mouths apart, he pushed himself up on his knees, followed by Sirius' quick fingers, which darted to unfasten his trousers. The sounds of their heavy breathing accompanied Remus as he stripped.

Licking his lips, Remus' hands slid into the waistband of Sirius' form-hugging tights. He started

tugged them off, when he suddenly changed his mind. One hand slid deep down between the tensed thighs. The other hand clamped over Sirius' cock, bound as it was inside the stretchy cloth. Remus rubbed and caressed, loving the way the hard length twitched in response. Loving the noises Sirius made. Mangled, half-formed words poured out of a mouth no longer quite capable of normal speech, accompanied by a chorus of earthy moans and growling sighs. Remus loved this song.

Peeling the scarlet tights off Sirius' muscular legs was definitely the best time he had ever had unwrapping a Christmas present. And such a beautiful present! Remus dove onto the turgid flesh, wringing panting cries from the depths of his lover's lungs. Sirius moved beneath him, thrusting in time with the motions of the magic mouth pleasuring him. Remus hummed in carnal enjoyment. It was more stimulation than Sirius could stand and he came with a wild cry.

Remus was unaware of the low growl that continued to vibrate in the back of his throat as he looked at the wanton expression on Sirius' face. Pushing Sirius' legs wide apart, Remus poised on the verge, letting the anticipation build to incredible heights. And then he fell, diving into the warmth of his lover's body. He felt himself building to climax but held back, still aching to feed the primal hunger that could only be sated when he was one with Sirius. His gasps changed into muttered words. "So much," he mumbled. "Love you so much, love you so much, love you…" until his voice was smothered by Sirius' mouth kissing him. Remus felt the familiar rumbling, powerful rush that surged from the depths of his body, his heart, his very soul and erupted like a volcano.

Remus collapsed, burying his face against Sirius' neck. Panting, they lay still, except for the slow, silken caress of Sirius' fingers stroking over Remus' back. Their breathing gradually quieted. Finally, Remus raised his head to smile into his lover's eyes. He reached toward the headboard, collecting the wayward hat that had slipped off Sirius' head in their writhing passion. Remus drew the soft fur along Sirius' cheek. "You are a very sexy elf, you know."

Sirius grinned knowingly. "And another of Remus Lupin's hidden fantasies comes to life! I should consider myself lucky you don't want me to dress up as Cleopatra!"

Remus snickered. "Well, maybe not Cleopatra, but she must have had some nubile servants, with kohl-lined eyes, dressed in short white robes with those sandals that laced up to-"

"No! Get it out of your mind. It's not going to happen. If you think for one minute-"

Remus kissed him just to shut him up. It was an activity Sirius was more than happy to participate in. Their kisses slowly became more intense, more heated. "Want you…" Sirius mumbled against Remus' mouth. He twisted, rolling them both over until Remus rested on his back, looking up at Sirius. Remus' eyes twinkled deviously. "Don't we have a New Year's Eve party to attend?"

Sirius looked at him warily. "Several. Why?"

"Well, I was just thinking. Maybe we could make a bet, loser to dress up as Cleopatra's servant, and if, by chance, I got you really drunk-"

Sirius knew only one way to derail Remus' train of thought and that was to smother his mouth by making sure two tongues occupied it.

END