My Children

'Are you okay Ross?' Rachel asked on their way to Chandler and Monica's the next evening.

'Oh, er, what was that sweetie?' Ross said, suddenly aware that Rachel had spoken but unable to work out what she had just said.

'You're not concentrating,' Rachel said, annoyed. He was the one who had insisted on driving. She would have been perfectly happy to do the driving - she would have preferred it, he seemed so absent minded today, but Ross had been in an "I can take care of everything mood today." He had even tried to carry all of Emma's things down from the apartment, as well as Emma. Emma however had preferred Mommy today, so no juggling was required.

'Sorry,' Ross said, but to Rachel that sounded offhand and she said severely,

'You're driving, you should be more careful. We've got Emma in the back.'

'Sorry.' That still sounded too offhand to Rachel. Didn't he realise how important it was to drive safely? Emma had her whole future ahead of her, a future that could be wiped out in seconds if Ross wasn't careful. They hadn't had any near misses, but that wasn't the point.

'Don't you care about your child?' Rachel asked, trying to get some reaction.

'Don't say that!' Ross exploded, scaring Rachel. That was a lot more reaction than she had expected. That had come out of nowhere, and she found that she was pressing herself against the side of the car to be as far away from him as possible. 'Of couse I care about my children,' he said angrily, 'both of them.' Emma started wailing in the back, and red faced and upset, Rachel reached between the car seats to calm her down.

'There there, sweetie, Daddy's not cross at you, you're a good beautiful little girl, yes you are,' she said, aware of Ross's tension. She soothed Emma down and then retreated into hurt silence for a few minutes. She wondered why Ross had said 'both' like that. She hadn't even hinted at Ben - of course what she had said would apply just as much if he was in the car with them. She had never ever suggested that he should treat Emma any better just because he loved Rachel and didn't love Carol. Ben was just as important to him as Emma. Was he mad at her for suggesting that he wasn't - even though she had done no such thing? But he had been acting weird for a couple of days. It couldn't be anything to do with Ben.

It was several minutes later when Ross said,

'Sorry.'

'I just wanted to know whether you were okay or not,' Rachel said.

'Why shouldn't I be okay?' Ross asked evasively.

'You haven't been listening to anything I've been saying and now you're snapping at me. Are you mad at me for something? I'd like to know if it was my fault.'

'No,' Ross said immediately, 'No Rachel I'm not mad at you, you haven't done anything wrong. You never do anything wrong.'

'Wow can I hold you to that?' Rachel said, surprised. This was not her Ross talking. They weren't afraid to disagree with each other or tell each other that they were wrong - they did that all the time. 'What's going on?'

'Nothing's going on. It - it's just work.'

'Work?'

'Yeah, very boring but it's annoying me.'

'Oh,' Rachel said. 'No-one stole your sandwich or anything?' His reaction to a stolen sandwich had been a high watermark of his reaction to the aftermath of Emily. An idle thought crossed her mind - how upset would he be if he lost Rachel? She pushed it aside. She'd seen him unhappy - things would have to be very wrong indeed before she could be the cause of that. Thank goodness all of his problems with Emily were truly in the past. There was nothing lingering that could disturb him.

'No,' Ross said, and then improvised, 'Er yes, not my sandwich no but I buy a can of soft drink every day - '

'You never told me you did that.' They had formed a vague plan that they would protect Emma's diet by keeping her away from junk food including soft drinks, so there was none at either of their apartments, apartments that would soon be merging.

'No, it's not important, only once in a while someone takes it. They take it, even though I've got my name on it. I put a sticky label on the can every morning - it's quite clear whose drink it is. They're not that expensive they can get a can of their own. Or even ask me - I'm not selfish, if someone really needed that drink, you know, I'd probably let them have it if I wasn't very thirsty myself, but someone just takes it,' Ross said, 'Even though it's got a label on it.'

'That's annoying,' Rachel said. And then wondered. 'It's annoying Ross, that's all it is.'

'Yes I know.'

'It's just a soft drink - you can get another one from a vending machine.'

'I know.'

'You won't go thirsty,' Rachel said.

'I know.'

'There's no need to scream at everyone.'

'I'm not going to scream at everyone, it's all under control. I don't have an anger management problem any more.' There were reasons for it then, when he'd felt his life was out of control. He wondered just then whether it could come back, because now, in some way, his life, or at least a part of it was out of control. The person who was at the top of his mind then was once again, at the top of his mind.

'You just shouted at me for no reason,' Rachel pointed out.

'I'm sorry but I get like that when anyone says things like, that I don't care about my kids.'

'Oh Ross, I didn't mean to say you didn't care about your kids, I just wanted you to be careful with your driving. It worries me that you're driving and not concentrating. iI know you're driving well but it still worries me.'

'I know,' Ross said, 'I shouldn't have yelled at you, it's not your fault.' 'Well,' Rachel said 'As long as you're not going to start having problems.' There was no possible reason for him to have problems. Everything in their lives was perfect. She couldn't help smiling. She turned back to look at Emma who was playing with a toy dinosaur.

'I won't.' His life would not get out of control. But at the moment he was having difficulty in tracking down Emily and he was starting to feel a growing sense of panic. He had a feeling that if she left without him seeing her he would never ever have the chance to see his children. Emily's uncle was not at Bloomingdales being on some kind of leave of absence. That would make sense if his wife was seriously ill, Ross thought. He had no idea where his son, Emily's cousin, could be contacted, not that he wanted to find him unless it was really necessary. That cousin had evicted him at a time when he'd had more than enough troubles, treating him like he'd done something wrong. He'd have to talk to him, if there was no choice but someone at Bloomingdales had promised to try to pass a message through, and maybe that would succeed.

'Ross?' Rachel asked in an insistent way that made him realise that it wasn't the first time she'd spoken.

'Sorry.'

'Again?' Rachel couldn't help asking. 'We're here.' He hadn't realised it but he'd managed to find Monica and Chandler's house without really thinking about it.

'Oh,' he said. And surprising Rachel considerably he pulled her into an embrace and kissed her, apologising in his mind for the trouble he was about to bring into her life.

'Ross is so absent minded today,' Rachel said at dinner, 'You'll have to forgive him if he drops out of the conversation.' Monica looked at him sharply. He gave her a little "I can't help it shrug." He had already told her in a very quick conversation that he had not had any luck in finding Emily. She had responded that they had better be quick and she told him that Phoebe had agreed to watch the delicatessen and that she would phone him if she saw Emily. 'You'll have to give him all the soft drinks he wants,' Rachel said.

'Soft drink?' Chandler looked at her in puzzlement.

'Someone's been stealing his soft drinks at work, even though he labels the can.'

'At least we don't have all the shouting,' Chandler joked, 'I don't think we could stand all that again.'

'No,' Rachel said, and to Ross's relief didn't talk about the shouting in the car. He felt ashamed of it - taking it out on the innocent Rachel. How was he going to tell her? But first he had to work out what he was going to tell her.