AFTERMATH -- PART FOUR

A/N – thank you for all the great reviews!

A/N 2 – I call this the Ford chapter. I almost didn't include it, because it's so heavy CCC, but what the heck!

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CHAPTER SEVEN: KNOCKING DOWN BARRIERS

Sheppard fell on his bed, his mind still buzzing and his arm and ribs aching. He wasn't sure when he finally succumbed to unconsciousness, but he must have lit out for a while, as the sunlight streaming in through the window in his room was completely gone when he awoke.

Someone was buzzing at his door.

"Yeah," he mumbled, wiping the sleep from his eyes.

The door opened with a soft noise, and Beckett walked in, followed by Ford.

"Just coming to check on you," the doctor said, reaching the bed and helping the major sit up. Sheppard let him—his ribs felt like they were made of porcelain. Beckett smiled, "And to bring you your meds." He opened up Sheppard's palm and dropped a couple of pills into it. Ford magically handed him a glass of water as well. He must have really been out of it, Sheppard mused. He took the pills, hoping they worked fast, drank the water, then blinked up at the two of them. Beckett reached down to take his hand, fingering his pulse.

"What's happening?" he croaked as Beckett continued to look him over.

"Hearing's tomorrow morning at ten," Ford informed him. "McKay asked that it be completely open. Weir argued with him for a long time, trying to explain it was supposed to be informal, just her, Bates and Doctor Travis and us, but McKay came armed with the expedition guidelines and….Anyway, she finally said okay…but only if he agreed to talk to the shrink first."

"Shrink?" Sheppard grimaced as Beckett took his other arm and started unwrapping the bandage.

"Heightmeyer. Not that it'll do much good. He blew her off when we first got home," Ford shrugged, "when you were still asleep."

"He just talks rings around her," Beckett added wryly, replacing the dressing and ignoring the hiss of pain from Sheppard. "She's not blind obviously, but McKay…well, that arrogant tone of his covers up a lot now, doesn't it. How are the ribs feeling?"

"He's such a pig-headed…Huh? What did you ask me?" Sheppard was still mulling over McKay's reticence about talking to a psychiatrist.

"Ribs? How do they feel?"

"Oh, stiff, sore and really, really obviously there, but no sharp pains, if that's what your asking."

"It is," Beckett nodded. "Good."

"Anyway, we're all expected to talk," Ford said, drawing the conversation back. "Everyone who was there. On the planet, I mean."

Sheppard grunted, not happy at the news. Beckett sighed and stood back up, eyeballing the major one more time then looking over at the hovering lieutenant. After a brief awkward pause, the doctor smiled at them.

"Anyway," he said, with forced cheer, "I'll leave you two. See you later." And, just as suddenly as he had appeared, Beckett was gone, leaving Ford with Sheppard.

The major finished off the water in his glass, and blinked up owlishly at the younger man.

Ford was staring at his feet. He was obviously waiting for something.

Sheppard sighed, "Go on, then, sit down."

The lieutenant turned, and plunked down in the only chair in the room. He immediately leaned forward, his eyes still on the floor.

Sheppard shifted to rest his back against his headboard, and proceeded to let the other man choose the pace. The lieutenant sighed.

"Look I," Ford frowned, "I think…."

Sheppard didn't make a noise, he just waited.

The lieutenant licked his lips, glanced up at the major, then looked down again.

"I made a mistake."

"Yes," Sheppard nodded, "you did."

"Doctor McKay didn't have anything to do with Gall's death."

Sheppard arched an eyebrow, but didn't say anything.

Ford looked up at that, saw the raised eyebrow on the major's face, then looked down again.

"See I…I was brought up…believing that suicide was a sin, major. That there was no excuse for taking your own life. God chooses when you die, not you. To kill yourself is practically one of the worst things you can do." He rubbed at his right leg unconsciously, then gripped his right hand into a fist. "And so…I got angry, when I saw…that Gall had taken his own life. I didn't…I didn't want to believe it. I," he licked his lips again, his eyes narrowing a little, his right hand opening and closing a few times, "thought that…that McKay should have tried harder to stop him. I didn't know until you told me that you had ordered McKay to give him the gun. I thought, maybe, that the doctor….I mean, you know what they're like in Canada. They…don't believe in things like we do. They…."

"They think exactly like we do, Ford. They don't have euthanasia, if that's what you're thinking."

"Yeah but…Doctor McKay…I mean, he…he seems like one of those…you know….He's not exactly...And…if Gall…what if McKay helped? And so, I wasn't sure….I mean, I thought, what if he gave him the gun, knowing what Gall would do with it?" Ford looked up at the major, his eyes bright. "But I was wrong. Dead wrong. I know he didn't have anything to do with it now. Seeing him before, in his room…anyway I know now. And maybe, what you were trying to tell me is…that I should have known then. And you'd be right."

Sheppard just stared back. Waiting. He still didn't say a thing.

Ford stared at the floor. "How did you know?"

Sheppard shrugged, "Well, for one thing, because he said so."

Ford frowned, obviously not expecting that, "What? When?"

"In the jumper."

The lieutenant was clearly confused, "He told you in…?"

"No Ford. He told you."

Ford seemed taken aback by that, and he looked down, obviously puzzled.

The major sighed, "But, even if he hadn't said anything, I knew anyway."

Ford grimaced at that, looking up again. "You did? How?"

Sheppard's eyes narrowed, "You tell me."

Ford shook his head, the motion nervous. "I don't understand."

"You should have known he didn't have a hand in Gall's death, for the same reason that I know and Teyla knows that he didn't."

Ford looked pained now, with the mention of Teyla. "But…how do you know?"

"Because I know McKay. I'm not saying that he absolutely wouldn't…do something like that…if the circumstances were such that he had absolutely no choice--if other people's lives depended on it or the person asking was in unrelenting pain and there was absolutely no hope left….then maybe, but even then, I seriously doubt it. He doesn't think that way. Most people don't, until the situation is so extreme as to be utterly hopeless…."

"Hopeless?" Ford frowned a little, "But, sir, how can anyone know when there is no hope left?"

Sheppard stared at him, his face so still, it really began to frighten the younger man. Ford's brow furrowed.

"Surely, sir, there is always…."

"I shot Colonel Sumner, Ford."

The major's announcement was ice cold, and Ford's eyes widened a little. "What?"

"You heard me lieutenant. I killed him, before the Wraith could completely desiccate him."

Ford's eyes stayed big, and he looked down at the floor again.

"I had to make a decision, Ford. He was dying, and the pain that thing was causing him…the Wraith was taking more than just his life, she was reading his mind. Sumner looked right at me…and nodded, asking me to kill him before she finished him off. That was situation where there was no hope and no choice. But Gall wasn't at that point yet, and McKay knew it. He would never have helped Gall die. Gall made that decision on his own. He didn't consult McKay." Sheppard stressed the word, watching Ford carefully, and saw realization finally dawn.

"He didn't consult me," Ford whispered under his breath, finally remembering McKay's response in the jumper. The meaning finally sunk in.

"You should have at least listened, lieutenant. Had you listened, you would have known, even if you didn't know already."

Ford lowered his head again. "Yeah. I guess I need to—"

"But that wasn't what I was angry about, lieutenant. That's not what I meant when I told you to think about what you set in motion."

Ford frowned, looking up, eyes confused.

Sheppard's expression was deceptively calm, "Ford, whether or not McKay had a hand in Gall's suicide isn't important. That is," he waved a hand, "it's important now, when people are trying to put things together, but on that planet, your top priority should have been making sure your teammates were all right and getting us home, in one piece. Two people were dead, I was…." he waved his hand again, "and McKay was a basket case because of Gall. I admit, I didn't see it immediately either, not until I woke up again. But Ford, while I was down, you were the leader. How you act, what you say, and what you do in such a situation is incredibly important. Your teammates…all of them…needed your guidance, your support, and your help. Things had obviously gone horribly wrong, and yet, instead of objectively providing leadership, all you did was accuse McKay without listening to him or even seeing him, driving him inward, and both Markham and Johnson came back with the impression you had given them, spreading it to others, and leading to the situation we are in now. You let someone else's pre-conceived notions about suicide color your judgment, and you can't do that in the field. McKay's your teammate. You are going to be relying on him, trusting him, expecting him to trust you and rely on you in return. Do you think he can trust you now? Knowing that you would do something like that to him? Knowing that you would put your friends and teammates second, and put your disgust over Gall's suicide first?"

Ford's eyes shut.

Sheppard sighed, and shook his head, "Look…Ford, I don't mean to be harsh, but…just think about it. You'll get it."

The lieutenant imitated the sigh, then nodded, "Yes sir."

The major watched him for a moment, letting the silence stretch for a few moments. Ford's hand untwisted from the grip it was in, and the boy's shoulders fell. Finally, he shook his head.

"I get it."

"Yeah?" Sheppard tilted his head.

"Yeah." Ford covered his head with his hands, then rubbed harshly at his thick hair before letting his hands fall back to his lap. He glanced up at the major, and grimaced. "I'm an idiot."

Sheppard smiled lightly at that. "No, not really. Just young. Gotta lot to learn. Hell, believe me, I know. I screw up all the time, as you know, and I've got a good dozen years on you. And McKay doesn't make it easy. Just…remember to try taking a step back a little next time."

Ford didn't bother to fight that—in this case, the major was right. So, he just nodded.

Sheppard's smile grew. "Hey."

Ford looked up.

"What's for dinner."

Ford's face screwed up, "Rubber pizza."

The Major's smile grew, "Sounds delicious. Wanna help me to the mess?"

Ford's smile was weak, but it was there. Standing, he went and held a hand out to the major. Sheppard took it gratefully. Age meant experience, sure…but it was also a real pain in the ass.

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TBC