Maybe one day I'll be an honest man,
Up till now I'm doing the best I can…
Long roads, long days, of sunrise to sunset
Of sunrise to sunset…
Alone again. They're all gone: Beast Boy is with Cy and Rob, I don't know where, probably riding on the freeway with Cyborg's car. Starfire is out for shop, she said that tonight she would prepare a special dinner, some sort of alien pudding with a name impossible to pronounce. Oh, maybe tonight I'll eat just some fruit, thank you Star…
And I'm here, in the T-Tower, reading an old book: "In Nomine Satani, Rex Tenebrarum". A very old book. And very dangerous, too. That's Latin. It means: "In the name of Satan, King of Darkness". It's full of spells, I can use them for… well, to manifest Satan. I will never use those spells, but I really like this book… It makes me understand many things about my father, that's his book. Plus, it's creepy. It's dark. I'm still a demon, y'know… I like those things.
And then… better this book, than go out with Starfire.
---
Dream on brothers, while you can
Dream on sister, I hope you find the one…
All of our lives, covered up quickly
by the tides of time…
Finished… well, dark and very dangerous.
Where is everybody? It's 9 o'clock. Star phoned one hour ago, she said she'll come back home late, she can't find some ingredients of that damn pudding… let's pray the good lord she'll never find them… The guys are late. None of them have called. Oh well, they'll come.
And now? What can I do? Read something else.
Suddenly, a hand brush against my left shoulder.
-Beast Boy! Are you crazy?! You scared me!-
-I'm sorry. You looked so absorbed… I entered and you didn't hear anything. I'm sorry Rae…-
-You already said it. Just never do it again!-
Why I treat him this way? It's true, I was absorbed in my thoughts, it's not his fault if he scared me.
-No, I am sorry Beast Boy. I shouldn't treat you this way…-
-I know you shouldn't. Plus, I'm used to it…-
-What do you mean?-
-C'mon, you treat me like an idiot every single day, so what's the problem if you do it again?-
Is he right? I treat him like an idiot? I am…
-Sorry- I look down, I don't want to face his accusing sight. Right now, I feel like a mean idiot.
He gives me his best smile.
-Don't worry, it's all ok. I know you have some good days and some bad days, as anybody else. I just accept that. If you need a friendly shoulder, I'm always here…-
-Thank you, Beast Boy- I feel a little better -How are you?-
-Why…?-
-Today is St. Valentine-
He forgot it? He always talks about a new girl he met some time ago, and now he forgets this day?!
-I know today is St. Valentine. I go out with Cy and Rob, just because I wanted to buy a present for a very special person…-
-Exactly what I was thinking. It's one month you talk about this mysterious girl: who the hell is she? When you met her the first time? Is she…?-
-Hey, calm down… you scare me, sometimes… I know her since a long time… She's charming, she's lunatic, creepy, but terribly beautiful… and I realized it just some times ago. How blind I was-
-Come on, it can happen to everyone. Now, who is she?-
-Well- he replies smiling -You-
Spend your days full of emptiness…
Spend your years full of loneliness…
Wasting love, in a desperate caress,
Rolling shadows of nights…
Me?! Is he crazy, or maybe is something worse?!
-You're kidding me?- I ask, totally shocked.
His face turns from happy to sad.
-I should know it. You don't like me. Can I know why?-
For many different reasons! But his sad expression moves me. He looks like a lost child.
-I want to be honest with you: you're friendly, sometimes your jokes really make me angry, but you're a good guy. It's just because of… me. I'm not ready for a relationship. First, I should learn to accept myself… then, who knows? But thank you, anyway. Nothing is wrong with you. Something is wrong with me-
He still looks sad, but he gives me another little smile. He's so friendly…
-That's OK. I appreciate your sincerity. By the way, I still have that present. Please, take it-
I try to refuse, but his green eyes convince me to take the little gift he bought for me. I open the blue package, and… it's a little teddy bear. Oh, it's so cute! A smiling, brown, soft teddy bear. For Christmas, Cyborg gave me one, but this is… special. This comes from a very special person.
-Thank you… it's wonderful-
I can't talk. I'm too damn happy. Just two minutes ago I was bored; this gift make me so happy… What I feel for him? At the beginning, nothing. Or… maybe something. But my stupid self comes always before everything. Now, something is moving inside my heart; that little piece of flesh, most of time I forget of it, is pulsing faster. Do I love him?! Nah, it's... impossible, I'm emotionless, I do not feel love… no, I'm in love. I'm in love. Oh, yes. That teddy bear and his expression of lost child, make me change my mind.
Dream on brothers, while you can
Dream on sister, I hope you find the one…
All of our lives, covered up quickly
by the tides of time…
The sands are flowing and the lines
are in your hand,
In your eyes I see the hunger, and the
desperate cry that tears the night…
-Beast Boy?-
-Yes?- his eyes are full of hope. He probably knows what I want to say. I love you.
-I…-
The door opens. A smiling Starfire, followed by Robin and Cyborg, enter in the room.
-Hi friends! Guess what? I found the ingredients!-
-Oh, what a good news…- Beast Boy humorously replies.
-How are you, Rae?- Cyborg asks me.
-Fine. Where did you go?-
No, I'm lying to my friend. I'm not fine. They came in the wrong moment. I was saying something very important, and they interrupt me. How will I do with Beast Boy? I was telling him my true feelings… but now I can't. Too much people. Plus, courage has gone. I'm again imprisoned in my shell of emotionless. I must solve it. I don't care. After dinner I'll do something. The problem is that I don't know what to do. Should I… confess? Or maybe I should not care? At least, he's still very close to Terra, even though she's a stone… Should I think to her, and just leave everything as it is… or think to myself? I'll just let my heart talk. Whatever will come out…
---
Spend your days full of emptiness…
Spend your years full of loneliness…
Wasting love, in a desperate caress,
Rolling shadows of nights…
Midnight. I'm in my room. The moon shies outside the Tower. The dinner, as I expected, was deadly. Cyborg and Robin ate some of that pudding. Now, they're in their rooms, crying with pain. Poor guys. I don't know how she did, but Star ate everything… with much mustard. Just thinking of it, makes me nauseous. I ate some fruit, I'm not so stupid to eat something cooked by Starfire. Beast Boy was… strange. He didn't eat a thing. Neither pudding nor fruit. He looked… sad. Very sad. I'm sorry for him. It's all my fault; when I said… I said I couldn't love him, because I'm not ready for a relationship. I said: "something is wrong with me". Now he's sad because of me. Why, when he asked me, I didn't say: "I love you"? Because… well… I'm timid. Probably I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I love him. Probably since… I don't want to know. It just makes my sorrow grow up. I must do something. I can't suffer his smiling face turned to sad because of me. Damn idiot! I hate myself… Stop crying, Raven. Go out of your bed and tell him your real feelings. Now!
Wait: it's midnight, what if he's sleeping?
"Love can't wait…" A little, childish, voice comes from inside my head. I'm totally in love, there's nothing to do. Ok. I don't care. Stop being timid, break this shell, go out there and tell him the truth.
Truth… What is the truth?
I lied to everybody. I make them believe I'm a different person. I wore a mask for a long time. Raven, the emotionless Goth. God, I'm such an idiot… Stop complaining yourself, go do that thing.
In a few minute, I'm perfectly awake, dressed up and out of my room. Everybody is sleeping: I can hear Cyborg's snooze, Robin has finally stopped to cry with pain. Star… she's peacefully sleeping, after all that pudding and mustard… and I'm the creepy one… I'm in front of Beast Boy's bedroom.
"Come on, knock that door!" The childish voice looks less childish. Right now, my mind is flying in other spaces… I'm not thinking of what I have to say, I'm thinking of what's next. I never thought of it. If we'll be a couple… what will we do?! I know I'm blushing, but I can't stop my mind. Me and Beast Boy, closed in his room, doing what probably every girl dreams: have sex with your true love. The first. And the last. The one you want beside you for the rest of your life.
And I said I wasn't ready for a relationship! I even lie to myself?!
Without thinking of it, my right hand knocks on the door. I wait for a couple of minutes, but no voice comes from inside.
"Maybe he's sleeping… I should sleep too. But If I don't say it now, I'll never say it…"
I'm going to knock again, but something distracts me: the lights of the kitchen are on. How is this possible? I turned 'em off, I'm sure of it. I was talking with Robin, I moved the fingers for reaching the switch… Absolutely, I'm sure of it. Maybe…
"Maybe Beast Boy is awake, too. Maybe he's drinking a glass of water. Maybe he's eating something now. Or maybe is someone else. Let's check…"
I enter in the room, totally unprepared for what is waiting for me inside the kitchen.
A large bloodstain is in the wall, right in front of the table. Blood is on the floor. Blood is on the chairs. And on a chair… there's Beast Boy.
Still shocked, I run beside him, I realize that his wrists are cut. A sharp knife lies near his left hand. He seems… peaceful.
I can't believe what my eyes are seeing right now. This is a nightmare.
-R… Raven…- with his last strength, he tries to speak -What you're doing here…?-
He's smiling. Even in front of death, he still smiles. I start crying, tears are flowing out of my eyes, out of control. I can't care less.
-Beast Boy… why…? Why all this…?- I can't understand. Or… I perfectly understand, but I don't want to admit it to myself. He did this… because of me.
-Don't worry… it's not because of you… it's… something is wrong with me. I… I still love Terra… don't cry; that's the truth. And it hurts… I was hiding from my feelings… I tried to forget her with… another person I thought I loved… I was wrong… the truth… is… I still love Terra. And I'm sorry for you, Raven… I'm so sorry if I make you cry… just… it's not your fault… I…-
Now he's crying too. He smiles, but he cries. I want to disappear. Like I never existed. I want to run and hide somewhere. I know that smiling, sad, crying face will crack my dreams night after night…
-Hey, Rae… say hi to everybody. Tell 'em I love 'em more than my life… they're great friends… and you… you are special… I'm sorry of everything… you were right, I'm not a guy you should love… you need somebody… better… than me…-
-No! Beast Boy! Before the guys came home this night, I was trying to say… I love…-
He can't hear me. His eyes are closed. Tears stop their fall. He's still smiling. He's dead.
"I killed him… I killed him… I killed him…"
Spend your days full of emptiness…
Spend your years full of loneliness…
Wasting love, in a desperate caress,
Rolling shadows of nights…
I did the most horrible thing in this world: kill the only person that loved me. I'm a monster… He didn't love Terra… he lied to himself… Just like me. He found a way to make his pain stop. I was his source of pain. He was very closed to Terra, when she got petrified, he was very sad… I was the one who make him smile again… and I killed him. Why?! WHY?! Why I hadn't say just: "I love you"?! If only… He will be still… alive…
More tears fall down my eyes. I can't see a thing, too much tears. First, I was lonesome… I was a girl full of loneliness, I was alone, nobody loved me… I found somebody who really took care of me… Now he's dead. And that's my fault. Desperation is eating me alive.
How will I live without you? How can I carry on with this weight on my shoulders? Your death?
I have no wills to live anymore. There's no reason for my existence. Can I go on?
I can't.
The knife. Is still there. Stained with Bb's blood. I feel so bad… It's an insane thought. But right now, I'm totally insane. I just find my lover in a blood pool.
"… and that's my fault… I killed him… my fault…"
I take it and I slit my wrists. The blood flows out, like… my tears. Unstoppable. My time has come? I don't care. I want to die. I want to reach Beast Boy. I want to see his smile once again.
I hug the warm body of Beast Boy, my lover, and I cry on his shoulder. I want to pass with my head on his right shoulder. Just like I dreamed some minutes ago…
-Wait… for me… and… by the way… I… love… you…-
Spend your days full of emptiness…
Spend your years full of loneliness…
Wasting love, in a desperate caress,
Rolling shadows of nights…