A/N: New chapter! Yay! Sorry this came so late, though. My internet was being screwy and stuff, so it took forever to get finished and to my wonderful, patient beta-reader. Leave thanks to her for putting up with my lateness and for helping me out so much!
WARNING: This story will be slash. Repeat. Slash. And maybe some angst. Yes, definitely angst.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter. In fact, I haven't even read all the books. I've read most, though, and quite a bit of fan fiction. Harry Potter, and all creations within, does not belong to me.
Thanks to all my reviewers! Some responses at the end of this chapter.
Special note:I don't find a simple thanks the be sufficient for the support of my readers, and so I will be writing an extra scene. It won't be necessary to understand the story. I'm thinking it will either be a scene between Sirius and Regulus or Severus and his older brother. If you would like to read it, leave me a review with your email address or AIM screenname, as those are really the only ways I can be contacted. Also, if you have any ideas for the scene I write, by all means, tell me!
Tons of thanks to my wonderful beta-reader, Heather, who is helping to keep me from making a complete fool of myself! :DO
o
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Never take your loved ones for granted: they could be gone tomorrow.
-Dropkick Murphys "Forever"
Chapter
4
Forever
Second Year drifted on normally. Or, at least, as normally as life would ever be allowed when Severus was involved. He was constantly taunted, hexed, and teased. Potter and Black seemed to be around every corner, in every room, ready with insults falling from their lips, burning into him, sometimes literally.
They laughed constantly at his greasy hair, his large nose, his black eyes. Once, he scrubbed his hair until it was shiny and soft, something he had never had the energy to bother with before, something he had never before realized was so important. The next day, Potter and Black had ridiculed him endlessly. Their cruel voices had wondered aloud what girl had caught his eye to provoke such a change. They had accused countless girls of being his fancy, finally choosing a short, fat, pimply Hufflepuff girl, and going on about what a perfect couple the two would make until the girl fled, bawling.
Severus had already shut them out of his mind by then. This didn't please Potter or Black who, upon being ignored, decided to change tactics.
"Maybe we've been going about this all wrong, Sirius," Potter announced loudly. "Maybe our shiny new friend isn't interested in girls at all."
Sirius, catching on, stood up from his luxurious seat on a table top. "I think you're right, James. I think Severus fancies boys. It would explain why he always seems to be right behind us. He probably fantasizes about us every night, the disgusting poof."
The day had ended with Severus lying awake in bed, eyes squeezed tightly shut, telling himself that crying was shameful. But, then, so was being gay. In the end, he allowed himself to shed silent tears. He vowed that, after tonight, he would never be shameful again. After tonight, he would not cry. After tonight, he would not be gay.
It was easier said then done. The daytime found him daydreaming about silver hair and grey eyes, strong, masculine arms encircling him, never letting go. Those cursed tears always seemed just behind his eyelids, let out only in the deep darkness of night when no one was around to see them.
Nighttime also found him thinking of an entirely different boy. He tried to pretend the brown hair and eyes belonged to no one specific.
Finally, after monotonous, seemingly endless days, it was drawing near Christmas. He would be going back to the manor, back to his weak mother, his vicious father. He hated them, both of them. They had given him his greasy hair, his black eyes, his large nose, his silent suffering. They had given him this life and then deserted him, his mother in fear and his father in anger.
"Severus," a smooth, cool voice broke through his thoughts, startling him from his glower at the table, tensing his muscles.
"Lucius," Severus relaxed slightly, then straightened up and bit his lip, hoping his hair wasn't too disorderly. "What are you doing here?"
"I just came by to say hello," Lucius smiled, his slim, pristine body setting off embarrassing thoughts in Severus' mind. "Of course, we'll be seeing each other during the holidays."
"We will?" Severus asked, a bit dazed that Lucius was so close and speaking to him. Him, of all people!
"Yes, Severus," Lucius said patiently. "Your father has invited many pureblood families over for a holiday dinner, mine included."
"Oh," he nodded slowly, vaguely recalling reading something of the sort in the single letter he had received during his stay at Hogwarts. He had read over it so quickly in his nervousness that the subject had completely slipped his mind.
"I should be going now," Lucius said, then paused , his finger moving to trace a single, deliberate cut on Severus' arm, near his hand. His voice was sharp when he finally spoke. "What is this, Severus?"
He winced, but didn't dare move his arm from the older boy's hand. "I don't know." He cast his eyes downward, hating to lie to this boy, his role model. "I-I must've gotten scratched while I was in the Owlery." It was a horrible lie, and he knew Lucius knew the truth, knew that the small cut was self-inflicted.
"Of course," Lucius nodded, and it was obvious he didn't believe a word of it. "Make sure you're careful next time. I know how nasty those... Owls can be. It wouldn't do to have you injured further. Understand?" Grey eyes narrowed.
"I understand," Severus nodded. "It won't happen again."
It was the truth. Satisfying as it was to see tiny dots of blood well up, the weak pain had done nothing for his inner turmoil. In fact, it had increased it as soon as he realized what he had done. Self-harm was a sign of mental instability, wasn't it? Mental instability was a weakness, it was shameful. He had thrown the knife halfway across the room where it had buried itself like a flag into his trunk. When his roommate had arrived that night, he had glanced nervously between Severus and the knife, then huddled under the covers of his bed, whispering a protection charm before falling asleep.
"Good," Lucius nodded and his finger stilled against the cut.
"Lucius," Severus began, then floundered, unsure what he wanted to say. The older Slytherin seemed to understand.
"Listen to me, Severus," Lucius' voice was quiet as he leaned closer, warm breath against his ear causing Severus to shiver. "Don't let the despicable Gryffindors beat you down. You have to be strong. You can't let them win."
Severus exhaled heavily, surprised that he had been holding his breath, as Lucius pulled away. He watched, squirming in his suddenly tight robes, as the older boy strode away. His ear still felt slightly damp where Lucius' breath had been. It tingled pleasantly, and he considered not moving, just in case that scared the feeling away.
Two days later, Severus went home. His mother, thin and waiflike in a pale blue dress, had smiled distantly as a house elf led him in. His father, he was told, was in his study writing letters to very important people, and he was not to be disturbed. He counted that as a very good thing. No doubt his father had heard many things from the snitches at school and he dreaded their next meeting.
Hungry as he was, Severus was tired even more so. He left his luggage beside the stairs, trusting the house elves to bring them up to his bedroom later. With that, he trudged up the dark marble stairs. It was dark and silent in his room, a safe haven in the midst of his own personal hell. A thin layer of dust had settled over his possessions, turning the room into a grey, ghostly sight. It rose in slight puffs as he drew a finger across his small, scratched dresser. He eyed a dent in the side, remembering the feeling of his head colliding with the wood. It seemed so long ago...
Slowly, his mind was beginning to warm up, his eyes blinking lazily. He felt as if the dust was covering him, as well, engulfing his exhausted body in a deathly embrace, coating his lungs with soft powder. He let himself fall onto his bed, wondering through blurry eyes as the dust the rose up then drifted back down. A moment later and he was in blessed sleep.
Severus sat stiffly in a high-backed chair. It was Christmas Eve and many pureblood families were over. The Malfoys were two hours late, if they were coming at all. He found himself wishing to just hide in the darkness of his room, to lick his aching wounds, rest his body.
"Severus," His father was glaring at him, eyes cold. "We have invited a new family over, and I want you to make a good impression on their two sons. Be a proper host. Take them outside to the Dueling Arena. I don't care what you do. Just take all of your friends and go. Do not come back until I have said you are allowed."
He nodded, standing nervously. A group of boys, mostly older than himself, were crowded around a small box. They would, all at once, let loose howls of laughter as Crabbe, a particularly large and stupid brute, poked at something in the box. Every once in a while a high pitched, terrified squeak would originate from the box. He approached nervously, trying to see in the box. Barty Crouch, Jr, a First Year Slytherin who had come with a friend, nudged Crabbe's ribs, nodding towards him.
A tall, strawberry-blond haired boy with blue—nearing purple—eyes stepped forward, slim body illuminated prettily in the cool lighting. Evan Rosier, he mused to himself, a Seventh Year Slytherin. He had known long ago that Evan's body rivaled Lucius', but the snowy-haired Malfoy was kind and protected him. He wished he was looking at those silver eyes now no matter how enchanting the blue in front of him were.
"Severus," Evan's lip curled up in a cruel smirk. Not a good sign. "We were just wondering when you'd make an appearance. Our current subject is kind of boring."
Severus licked his dry lips, peeking secretly into the box. A young, silky, seal-point Siamese rat was huddled in a corner, black eyes darting anxiously around, whiskers quivering. Righteous anger welled up in his chest, but there was nothing he could do. Not while eyes were on him, at least.
"My father says we're to go outside," he lifted his chin, feeling especially small under the glare of all the older, bigger boys. "And we can't come back in until they say so."
"Business for the Dark Lord?" one boy asked.
"If so, I don't see why I'm not included..." Evan scowled at the carpet.
"If we go, do we have to take the brother of that goody-two-shoes Gryffindor?" Goyle asked.
Severus looked up. That must be the sons of the new family. Apparently one was a Gryffindor. That meant that they might recognize him. He certainly hoped not, though.
"Oi, runt! Regulus!" Evan called out, turning to the couch where a previously unnoticed, dark-haired boy sat staring into space.
"What?" the boy asked stiffly.
Severus glanced back at Evan then strode forward, coming to stop in front of the boy Evan had called Regulus. The name stirred something within his memory, but he couldn't quite place it. The face, as well, was eerily familiar. Dark hair and cool eyes paired with a long, elegant body. Still, he had never seen this boy. It was obvious he was still too young to attend Hogwarts.
"Regulus, right?" Severus asked, continuing before the boy could answer. "My name's Severus Snape. My father is hosting this gathering. At the moment, however, we've all been kicked outside. If you would follow me, that would be good."
Regulus' eyes searched the room. "I was looking for my brother, but I couldn't find him. Is he outside?"
"He might be," Severus shrugged. "I haven't seen anyone else our age around. Assuming he is our age?"
"He's a Second Year at Hogwarts," Regulus said, frowning and looking at the ground. "I wanted to go outside and look, but I didn't know if I was allowed."
"Well, we have to go now," Severus shrugged. "We might see your brother."
Severus stalked over to the group of boys. They were laughing and chattering over the terrified rat again. When Regulus had joined their ranks, he ushered them towards the door leading outside, saying he had to tell his father they were going. It was the truth, really, but there was no reason he couldn't have done it before they left.
He suffered his father's icy glare, then dashed over. As he passed the box with the rat in it, he flung a hand out. It went spinning, a terrified squeak coming from within, before landing on its side, a small nose peeking out. He smirked and made his way easily out the door to where the other boys were waiting, many staring off somewhere into the trees towards the tiny lake. A group of girls, the daughters of his father's friends, were sitting at its edge, toes dipped in the frigid water.
"I say we go visit them," Evan grinned.
Severus cringed at that thought. His father would beat him half to death if he allowed such an 'improper' thing to happen. Let them do such things on their own time, their own property, but there was no way his father was going to take well to the idea of falling from the grace of their parents. As much as the idea pained him, he was going to have to mention what his father had suggested. They didn't have to know it was a suggestion.
"My father said to take you all to the Dueling Arena," he said, voice low and cool to mask his nervousness.
"I suppose I have no complaints about that," Evan said, studying him a moment. "You will, of course, be kind enough to help us test some spells, won't you, Severus? Your daddy dearest surely wouldn't be happy to hear what a dreadful time we've had."
Clenching his jaw, Severus led the way to the Dueling Arena. It was a specially marked off area with powerful wards around it to prevent anyone from realizing magic was being performed in it. It only worked about four hours a day in all and could only operate on a fairly small space, but it was enough to train an underage wizard without anyone else knowing it.
They soon arrived at the Arena. The floor was made of an easily-cleaned grey stone with thick pillars of the same material at each corner holding up a shimmering silver roof. The boys clambered behind him to the middle of the Arena, watching as he concentrated. He let a whisper of magic waft out to touch the barriers. Thin black walls shot from one pillar to another as they recognized his magical identity.
Regulus, standing slightly to the side of him, separated from the crowd of boys, inhaled sharply. It truly was an amazing sight, he supposed. The walls, though darker than dark, let off a radiance of light bright enough to duel with ease. The settings were changeable, of course, but he had a much higher chance of defense if he was able to see his opponents.
"This should have been mine," Evan muttered to someone standing beside him. "We were supposed to inherit it, but the names must have gotten mixed up. The Snapes had nothing before they got this mansion. They still don't have much."
Severus pretended to not have heard. It was common knowledge that the Snapes were far from well off. The house and all the possessions that came with it were forbidden to be sold, and charmed to that effect, as well.
He heard the spell before he saw or felt it. It collided against his spine with a sharp crack, and for a moment he thought maybe it had broken something. That theory, however, did not hold up with the feeling in his bones. Icy coldness spread from the inside of his bones to the out, starting from his spine and traveling up and down with lightning speed. He felt as if the flesh around his bones was freezing, turning to ice.
Then came the heat. It seared over the frost, a sudden, unexpected change. It was worse than the ice, but so very similar. How was it that both fire and ice burned? This time, however, it felt like his flesh was being branded from the inside, burning, trying to curl away from the bone. He refused to make a noise, refused to give the other boys the satisfaction...
And then the curse was lifted. He immediately grabbed at the wand in his robe pocket only to find nothing there. His head snapped up to see Evan, one wand gripped in his right hand and another, his, dangling from the fingers of his left. He hissed and made a lunge, but the bigger boy snatched it away at the last second.
"Now now, Severus," Evan smiled grimly. "You wouldn't want to spoil the fun, would you? You wouldn't want to anger daddy."
"Give me my wand," he scowled, holding himself up as straight as he could despite the tingling that lingered in his bones.
"Later," Evan shrugged, tossing it into the crowd of boys, grinning as Crabbe caught it. "I want to practice first. Right, guys?"
There was a rumble of agreement from behind him. Regulus, now slightly behind the crowd, looked slightly confused and quite terrified. He couldn't see the look on the boy's face as someone threw another curse at him.
He dropped down to the floor like a bird shot from its perch. For a moment he thought, actually thought, that the spell was just meant to hold him down. It wasn't a foreign concept to him, but he should have known that the boys weren't as nice as that. It became very apparent as an invisible weight began pressing down upon him, crushing him to the ground. It felt as if the world was caving in, dropping onto his body like heavy stones. His ribs ached with the pressure, his breath choking in his throat. The boy laughed uproariously.
Someone swore loudly and then the weight disappeared. Severus shot up immediately in time to see Evan glaring at a nervous Regulus. The older Slytherin's arm was bleeding from a small cut near his elbow.
"You shouldn't have done that!" Evan pointed his wand at Regulus.
Severus cursed to himself. It was obvious the boy had done something to distract Evan and break the curse. A big mistake, really. Regulus was too young to be able to properly defend himself from Evan. It was amazing that someone like Evan, so pretty and innocent looking with his hair and eyes, could be so lethal. It was a lesson that Regulus would do well to learn. Of course, if anything happened to the boy under his watch, his father would paint the walls with his blood. Literally. He had done it once before, and it certainly wasn't a pleasant experience.
"What, Evan," Severus spoke as loudly as he could. "Did the little child hurt you?" He almost faltered as those eyes, deep purple in their anger, turned to him. Almost. "Drew blood, even. I had thought you were stronger than that, really. And now... Now you must defend your name against an insignificant little boy? Has it been so beaten down?"
"Shut up," Evan growled, eyes narrowed.
"Hasn't anyone ever told you that to attack in anger is to attack in shame?" Severus asked innocently, the familiar phrase stinging even himself. "Or perhaps you're far too shamed already to care? I wonder what the Dark Lord would think."
The other boys looked nervously between themselves. He took the chance their unease gave him. He strode over to Regulus, took the boy by the arm, and led him over to the wall. A swift thought and a large square of black wall disappeared, cool night air rushing in. They burst outside and walked quickly towards the manor again. The boys would soon come back to themselves and be out for his blood.
"Regulus!" A loud, horribly familiar voice spoke out of the shadows. The hated face of Sirius Black followed suit, and Severus finally realized why the boy's face had looked so familiar.
"Sirius!" Regulus cried out, obviously relieved.
"Regulus, get over here," Sirius' eyes were now turned to Severus. "What are you doing with my brother? I won't have you blackening his mind with your greasy filth." Regulus stopped nervously between the two boys, as if unsure of where to go.
"I," Severus growled. "Have been saving your idiot of a brother from certain pain."
"Don't you slander my brother!" Sirius stepped menacingly forward. "You have no right to it. All you care about is your own neck, and you'll do anything to save it. I won't have you teaching him to be a selfish prick with no thought for others!"
"Instead of lecturing me on my ways," Severus clenched his teeth, eyes narrowing. "Perhaps you should be teaching your brother to adopt some of them. That sometimes the fight is futile for others and to save one's own neck is the wisest choice. Or at least teach him not to attack those above him, as he has done to one Evan Rosier. At this rate, he's going to end up an idiotic Gryffindor, as well."
"Evan Rosier?" Sirius had gone a bit pale at the name, turning to face his brother. "You didn't. Tell me you didn't."
"Well, yes," Regulus scowled and kicked at the ground. "But he was-"
"Regulus!" Sirius looked horrified. "I thought I had taught you better! Evan Rosier, for Merlin's sake! The boy could tear you limb from limb if he wanted to!"
"And it seems he plans on it, as well," Severus observed, watching the group of boys sprinting towards them. "Oh, don't worry," he continued acidly at Sirius' wide eyed stare. "I doubt he's actually coming to hurt your brother. In fact, I'm sure of it. He wouldn't lower himself to attack a little boy when he has larger game to hunt. Perhaps you two should leave." He didn't wish one of his worst enemies to see the mangling of his body.
"Now look what you've done!" Sirius scowled at his brother.
"You don't need to lecture me, you know!" Regulus stood up straighter, jutting his chin out defiantly. "I know full well what I've done. I'm old enough to take care of myself!"
"You," Sirius glared. "Are only nine years old. You run screaming from moths."
"I thought it was a bat!" Regulus defended angrily. "It was very big, and you had no right to laugh at me because you were just as frightened as I was!"
Their quarrel brought back old but clear memories from his own youth. He could remember a smiling face, a warm voice, gentle hands. He had loved to look up into the sparkling blue eyes, the eyes that so resembled his mother's own. Indeed, the face had seemed to inherit the pretty features of his mother but the masculinity of his father.
"Watch him carefully, now." His mother's voice, younger and more alive than it had been in years.
"Don't worry, I won't ever let him get hurt," the blue eyes kind, arms around Severus protectively. "Not ever. I promise."
He could still remember how loyally that promise had been kept.
"Ew, look!" a young girl's voice. "Look at the ugly little baby."
"Shut up, he's not ugly," the blue eyes, normally warm, had grown cold. "He doesn't look like a troll, like you. Is that a bird I see peeking out of the nest you call hair?"
"Mommy!" the girl's voice faded as she ran, sobbing, to her mother.
"Don't listen to her," His voice was calm and kind again. "They don't know you. They can't see that you're so much better than them, inside and out, little brother."
If only his brother could see him now. Would he be very ashamed at how horrible he had become?
"Well, I suppose you mean to stay, then," Severus said sarcastically, breaking the brothers from their bickering, his mind from its painful thoughts.
"Shit," Sirius cursed, pulling Regulus behind him. The protectiveness was painful.
"Think you could get away, did you, Severus?" Evan Rosier called, stopping a mere few inches away.
"I made no move to 'get away', as you call it," he looked up icily into the purple eyes. They were so close that Evan's breath was hot against his cheek, and it was nowhere near as pleasant as Lucius'. "I was just walking back. I thought that you would be above petty fighting."
"Stop trying to make excuses," Evan shoved him back hard, and it was clear the thinly veiled insult had hit him. "You're going to regret defending the little runt."
"Will he, now?" A cool, dangerous voice asked.
"Lucius," Severus looked up in surprise from where he was kneeling. "I... Thought you weren't going to come."
"My father had ministry business," Lucius said, eyes turning idly to Evan again. "Surely you were just jesting, Rosier? You wouldn't dare attack someone, especially a fellow Slytherin. I'm sure my father would disapprove."
"I was just joking," Evan scowled, looking away.
"Maybe you should go inside," Lucius said, an order clear through the suggestion. "Severus' father sent me to tell you all that you're allowed back inside. The party is almost over."
"Come on, guys," Evan grunted, turning and trudging back towards the manor.
"Get up, Severus," Lucius said, then turned to Sirius, who was watching suspiciously. His eyes turned to the boy peeking out from behind the Gryffindor. "Regulus, is it? I hope to see you sorted into Slytherin when you arrive. For now, however, I suggest you and your brother make you way back to the Manor."
Sirius glared and tugged Regulus' arm. Severus watched wistfully as the two brothers walked away. His mind replaced them with two different boys, a pair of brothers that never aged so far together.
"It would not do to provoke Evan Rosier again, Severus," Lucius spoke quietly. "You're lucky that he won't be at Hogwarts next year. You'll have trouble enough watching your back the rest of this year. Come on, let's go inside. It's rather cold out here."
Severus followed beside as they made their way to the manor. He wondered if his brother and Lucius would have gotten along. Would he have approved of his little brother's lifestyle? Would he have even still cared about an annoying little brat?
Severus looked up towards a hill on their land. A tall gravestone shone bright like bone in the moonlight. The sight, depressing as it was, assured him that, yes, his brother would always love and protect him. He would never have tired of it, and for that Severus was thankful. He would do his best to never let his brother down. He would always remember the kind blue eyes, the gentle hands, the warm voice, the protection and love that had been cast over him for the beginning years of his life.
Your kindness for weakness I never mistook,
I worried you often yet you understood,
That life is so fleeting,
These troubles won't last,
Forever,
Inspired me truly you did from the start,
To not be afraid and to follow my heart,
There's a piece of you with me they can't tear apart,
Forever.
-Dropkick Murphys "Forever"
A/N: Review please! Also, if you would like to see an extra scene, please refer to my author's note waaay up above, the part that's all bold and italic and attention-drawing. Thanks!
Review Responses
Morena Evensong: I'm glad you like my fic! I, myself, can't imagine Severus just lying down against bullies. I really do think that getting in trouble would be one of the main reasons the Marauders didn't end up at the bottom of a river in the books. :P I like Snape/Lupin a lot as well, but I can never seem to find one that caters to my exact tastes. So I made one that did! Or, well, it will... I, also, get kinda mad at Lupin for not standing up to Sirius and James. But really, they're his friends, and he's a werewolf and probably afraid that no one would want to be around a creature like him, although they don't find out about him until 5th year in canon... They all do end up very good friends though, even in my story. As for the teachers... Well, originally, I wasn't really going to put much about that type of thing, mostly just main happenings and such, whatwith me basically already knowing what happens in my HP world, but now I feel like I'd be selling my readers cheap! So thank you for opening my eyes. XD And please, leave more long reviews, I love them!
shewhodares: Yes, I wanted to give him a hug, too, hehe. I am so, so mean to the characters I like. Of course, you beta'd this new chapter, so you knew what other meanness I did to poor wittle Sevvie. You know my cruelties before everyone else! Maybe you could warn me if I cross a line and people will be coming to murder me in my sleep? XD
hipa: Yes, it was incredibly mean, but, you know, tough love. Or something. Heh heh. It will get better though, eventually, yes. And he does have someone to care for him. Or did. But kinda does. Lucius and all... He'll be happy someday, I promise!
yammi: Thanks for the review! Yeah, I'm a bit mean to little Sevvie. If you keep reading, though, you'll see he (eventually) gets to be happy!