Chapter 9: Where's the looking glass

My eyes are still on the elderly woman as I am telling the story. She seems to be intent on hanging onto every word that I say as if it's important that she hear this. I still can't shake the feeling that there's something important about her, something that I just can't place right now. It's deep inside me now and I don't know if I can find the strength to ask her about it right now. That and somehow I got the feeling that it would interrupt the flow of the story that she wanted to hear. Taking in yet another deep breath I continue on, I am almost to the end I fear, the toughest and hardest part of the story for me to have to retell but I will retell it, if only for her.

I waited and almost there for a short time paced. Feeling as if that knock on my door was never going to come, I mean really how long could it take for one man to get across Chicago. Did I really want to hear what he had to say; this could go two ways, if what he wanted to tell me was indeed the news that he had to tell me, but the more that I thought about it the more that I was certain that was indeed what he wanted to talk to me about. I found my thoughts going ninety million miles an hour. Nervousness filled my body as I waited, patients never being one of my greater virtues.

Then it came, the knock on the door, it sent me flying out of my skin. It took me a minute to gather myself back up so that I could actually go and open the door. Why I so scared right now, this was couldn't be all that bad now could it be? Great ask yourself a million questions rather than open the door that will get your very far Ketura. I took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Hey John," I said moving to the side to let him in, "come in." I waited for him to come into my rather meager apartment before closing the door. I was a tad bit embarrassed that he had to see his sister, or his possible sister living in less than grand living conditions, but it wasn't like County was the best paying hospital in the region and I had to live with in my means.

"Thanks." I heard him reply as he appeared to be looking around a little, "nice apartment."

"It's not much but its home." I find myself saying to him, "Please have a seat." I had worked myself over in front of my favorite spot sitting down with my legs automatically curling up under me. "What is it that you needed to talk to me about?" I find myself asking as I watch him settle down onto my couch.

"The DNA results came back while you were away." He said softly looking down, "I was so sorry to hear about your mother."

I wasn't sure if that was pleasantry on his part or if there was a little bit of sincerity in his voice as he said that. "Thank you." I was now wondering what those results might have said since he mentioned my mother. With a lot more hesitation than I intended, the silence filling the room, I found the courage somewhere inside me to ask the question that was now in the forefront of my brain, "and what were those results John?"

My eyes are glued to him now; there is this every growing knot in my stomach that is tightening with every second that passes. My nerves are starting to fray even more, holding onto my little bit of sanity by a thread no bigger than a piece of dental floss. His facial expression right now is so hard to read, I can't tell what he is thinking and that alone makes me even more nervous. For some reason right now I can not pick up on what he's feeling that connection that had been so strong between us before didn't seem to be there or was completely failing me. Maybe he was masking his feelings and that didn't seem to give me any relief either.

Then there was a smile, small at first but ever growing that was forming across his face, the relief of that smile was slow to hit me. I sat still as a mouse waiting as if I was hanging on every word, if those words were ever going to come.

"John Carter you tell me right now before I either explode or throw up. I can't handle the suspense anymore." I say looking at him my arms folding across my chest to keep me from rubbing my wrist raw out of habit.

"You are indeed who they thought you were." He said as he finally started to talk, "you are my missing sister."

"Missing sister," those words hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't know what to think as the shock of what he just said was starting to sink in a little more. There was no smile on my face, I couldn't make myself smile. Not that I was frowning either, there was just no emotion on my face and I was sure that it was making him nervous. He couldn't have expected me to be jumping up and down with joy about that news, could have he? I just sat there holding my arms tightly across my chest, shock was the only emotion that I was able to feel right now. The silence in the room was overly unbearable, I think for both of us because I watched before me the smile that had been on his face start to fade.

"Ketura this is good news." I heard John say, yet the words just didn't want to register in my brain.

I am silent again for another minute still allowing it to sink in. I am wondering if he realizes the profound effect that this has upon me. Here I am finding out that my entire life, everything that I have lived as been nothing more than a glorified lie. I am not upset with him, far from upset with him. I am upset with the woman that had lied to me, who had taken me away from the family that I was born into and whisked me across the country to raise me where no one would think to look for me.

"Are you alright?" Still words are barely registering with me.

I have to think about what to say and there is nothing coming to my mind, without meaning too I let it slip out, "that woman lied to me, my whole life has been a lie, are you are asking me if I am alright, what do you think John?"

"I understand if you need some time…"

I jump in cutting him rudely off, "that is so kind of you to understand that I might need some time to adjust to all of this." I am snapping now, not meaning to but god this is a lot to have to take it right now, "you know this is my life, my life that is completely changing. You have to make room for one more person in your life, I have to make room and accept the fact that I have a family I know nothing about. That the people who I thought were my family are not who I thought they were." I stand up from the chair now as I start to pace some, my body needing something to do as my mind was going on with out stopping shouting things at me as I try so very hard to comprehend all of this. Right now I am not sure that I can fully comprehend all of this, there is too much and as it hits me I feel everything shutting down. I'm not sure if it's my own way of protecting me from overload or if I just honestly right now can't deal with all of it. Something inside of me is screaming stop just stop, you are overloading you are overloading. I try not to listen to my inner self, but it's no use. I collapse back into the chair, my head sinking into my hands as my body starts to violently sob. I am sitting there in complete tears and it actually feels good to be letting it all come pouring out like that. I am a grown woman now sitting in a chair crying like a baby whose favorite toy has been broken. I can feel my tears falling from my eyes, running down my cheeks and onto my palms that are holding my head up. Then I feel them, his arms wrapped around me, holding onto me as if I was some small china doll that he needed to protect.

I look at the old woman for a minute, my eyes meeting hers as I am talking to her. It was almost as if she could understand how painful that moment in time had been for me. I wasn't sure but I could almost feel some connection to the woman right now and that feeling was scaring me more than I was willing to admit to anyone. I had only felt that connection with two other people in my life, the first was the woman who I thought was my mother and the second was John.

I had never before in my life felt the comfort that I was feeling with his arms around me. There was almost this feeling of some unconditional love and understanding that was there again without words needing to be spoken between the two of us. It was as if, as if he could feel the pain that was in my heart, the pain tugging at my very soul. And it was a soul that was being ripped in two.