I'm not really queen of Valdemar. And I don't own it... Not really. Amnet is the name of my fish. As to who Amnet really is... that will be answered later, if you haven't already guessed. Feel free to guess! Though, it's not who you might think... Anyway, Thanks to everybody who reviewed the first chapter! And on to this one...

"Sorry kid. You got the gift, but it looks like you're waiting for something.... your next life maybe, who knows. That's the way these things go." -- The Matrix
"And now I'm serving time for mistakes made by another in another lifetime." -- Indigo Girls, "Galileo"

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Well, maybe not at the beginning. The beginning... was a hard place to start. Too hard at the moment; maybe there was someplace easier. Ah, yes...

"I... I've been having dreams." This was probably the easiest one, one that had actually felt like a dream. "I dreamed that when Van died I went looking for him. I went to the next world to bring him back because I couldn't live without him. I went to the Shadow-lover, to Death, to where he lives in his world, his castle. A great dog was at the gate and barred my way, but I lulled it to sleep with a song and then I went inside. Inside, there were people everywhere who promised me anything if I would just stay with them, but they were dead souls, all of them- I could see right through them. Finally, I came to Death and I asked him to give my Vanyel back. He laughed, but I wouldn't leave, so he told me that if I accomplished something I could take Van back with me. If I couldn't do it, I would lose him forever. He said I had to go up out of his kingdom without looking back. Van would be right behind me, but I couldn't look back at him until we got back to the world of the living. I thought I could do that, so I said that was all right. And I did it; we were there at the border of the worlds." I really had thought we had made it. "But when I reached back to pull him out into the sunshine... I guess we hadn't made it yet, because he smiled at me a little sadly and just vanished." I stared at nothing for a long while before I pulled myself out of the spell of the dream.

Well, that hadn't been so bad. Maybe I could do this. Maybe I could make it through in one piece... Moondance regarded me with unreadable eyes, and I knew that he knew I wasn't telling him even half of what had driven me here. I sighed. Well, I was just going to have to do it. Reliving those memories was something I would rather not do; in fact, I would rather attempt to walk alone and without protection into Karse. But... curse it, it was something I had to do. "That wasn't the first dream. It came later. The first..." I took a deep breath and tried not to think.

"The first dream I had, I dreamed I…" I blushed slightly, and as I continued my voice was nostalgic. "I dreamed it was the first night I… spent with… Van. We were in his room at Forst Reach and it was storming, just like that night, but it was wrong." I frowned as even the memory of the dream filled me with an unwarranted horror. "The room changed, it was no place I'd ever seen before, and then Van… changed. He was… younger," was the only way I could explain it. "And I… I wasn't me." I was shivering, but I kept talking. "Van woke up and looked at me, and he said, 'What's wrong ashke?' and I told him that I wasn't me, but it wasn't my voice. And then…" I took a deep breath. "I don't… I don't know exactly what happened, but suddenly I wasn't me anymore." No, that didn't make sense; I focused on breathing and tried to stop shaking. "The me that I thought I was but it wasn't me, he… pushed, and then it was like I wasn't in me anymore. I just kind of… floated away, and I heard him say, 'Oh, that's better,' and Van just laughed, and I…" There were tears running down my face by then and I'm pretty sure my voice broke on the next sentence, but I was too far gone to care. "He said, 'Yes, that's much better 'Lendel-ashke,' and he kissed him but it wasn't that, I could feel them together, like… like… And he just pushed me away…"

I started hiccupping and I wrapped my arms around my knees and buried my wet face against them. I felt like such a child. A touch on my shoulder startled me; caught up in the memory, I had forgotten that I even had an audience. Moondance's face showed how deeply he empathized with my pain; he pulled me toward him in a comforting embrace, and I did not resist. I don't know how long we sat there but it was full dark by the time I came back to myself; I cried as he rocked me softly, not trying to shush me or deny what I had experienced but assuring me with just his presence that I was not alone. I snuffled one last time and looked up at him. Before I could say anything, he spoke. "Before you continue I will tell you that this dream, as well as the ones that immediately followed, we sent to you by a malicious spirit and are in no way the product of your own mind or are in any way based in fact." I breathed deeply, the very air around him like a balm for my soul. I sat up and, meeting his eyes, I nodded. He returned the gesture, and, though he looked like he wanted to say something else, he said only, "Go on."

"I dreamed that, or something very like it, for the next several nights," I said, though he seemed to already know that, "and then for about a fortnight I couldn't remember what I dreamed." I frowned slightly; that had been a mixed blessing because, while the horror that had filled me after that first dream no longer woke me in the middle of the night, I still worried that I had been dreaming the same dream- or something worse- and I just couldn't remember it. This worry did it's part, and while I didn't wake up screaming there were still times I couldn't get to sleep for thinking. "But after that... I dreamed something different, though in a way it was the same thing." Previously, this had been one of the hardest things to try to explain to people.

"I dreamed again that I wasn't me, and Van was younger, and we were in that room… but it was… nice." My brows furrowed in concentration as I searched for a way to explain it in words. "It was a little different; I mean the exact conversation was different. They didn't… talk about getting rid of me. I was just there, and it was like I was…" I couldn't say his name, "but also like I wasn't. Mostly it was different because… It just felt different." I looked at Moondance to see if he understood me, but before he could say anything I added, wistfully, "It felt… happy. They were so happy."

He nodded, and decided to add something. "The reason it felt different is that the dreams were sent by different sources. This was… a true dream; a memory actually." Again, he looked like he wanted to say more, but he seemed to be waiting for something. I thought I might know what it was; and really his words so far were no surprise. But oh, it felt so good to hear him say them!

"The… the next dream was…" I decided to drop any sort of preamble; there really was no way to clarify this next one. "I dreamed I was in a part of Companion's Field, a sort of little clearing with some pine trees growing there. Van always liked going there, and I knew that's where I was even though I've never seen it look the way it did. In my dream, it was a grove full of huge pine trees. I walked into it and… there was a man there…" Why prevaricate? I knew who it was. I took a deep breath. "Tylendel. Tylendel was there. And he was waiting for me.

"He looked… older than I imagined him being, and he was wearing Whites. He… he smiled at me and said, 'What took you so long?' But his eyes were sad, and then he said, 'I'm sorry.' I… I couldn't say anything, but he kept going, and he said, 'It's all my fault you know.' He turned away slightly and wrapped his arms around himself and stared at the ground. 'Why you'…" I faltered, but took a deep breath and continued. "'Why you don't remember your family. It's because of Staven, because I was too close to him. Why you were raised on the streets, so you'd grow up faster, be old for your age.' When I didn't respond, he started going faster, like he was trying to get it all out before he stopped himself." I could relate to that. "He said, 'That's why your gift was so specific, to bring you to the king's attention 'cause They wouldn't let you be a Herald, not after what I did. It was why Medren was your roommate when it could have been anyone, why you were so damn stubborn when it came to… him.'

"He… he wouldn't say Van's name." I whispered. "I was grateful for that at the time. I didn't think I could take it. And after he told me all of that he just stood there, waiting… for something, at any rate. But all I could do was look at him. So I did. He…" I wet my lips and ran my hand through my hair sheepishly. "Gods he was beautiful. That sounds kind of wrong, doesn't it?" I glanced at Moondance, but he only smirked and offered no other opinion.

"Anyway, after awhile he got tired of standing there and he looked at me. I don't know what he expected me to do or say, but it obviously wasn't what I was doing. I… I asked him if he thought I would hate him for that. He said, 'I hoped not,' but he said it softly as if he didn't believe I could ever not hate him. But," I looked at Moondance again, "I don't. How could I? I just wish someone had told me what the hell was going on." I buried my fingers in my hair, overcome by a sudden anger. Attempting to focus back on the problem at hand, I took a deep breath and continued with my telling.

"He said he was sorry again, and I was getting kind of impatient so I asked him if he thought it was his fault or something, the way he kept apologizing. 'Yes,' he said, 'I guess it is. I didn't love him enough. If I had, I wouldn't have left him like that. I wouldn't have put him through that hell.' He seemed really angry with himself. I guess I was still mad, I snapped at him that if I had to fix his mistakes the least he could have done was either but-out completely or let me in on what was happening. I guess we both ran out of steam then. I stopped talking, and after a minute he started up again, only really quiet." It was hard, but I had tried throughout to remember Tylendel's exact words in case that made a difference. "He said, 'I wasn't enough. I couldn't be there for him.' Then he looked at me. 'Not the way you were. Thank you, for being everything I couldn't be. And... when you see him... could you tell him...' He stopped, like he couldn't say it." I glanced at Moondance. "But I knew what he wanted to say." I went back to studying the fire. "So I just said yes, yes I would tell him. And then I woke up."

I was silent for a minute. "I... think that's it." I turned hopeful eyes on Moondance. He nodded.

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