Hermione
I didn't feel pity for him. It was in my nature to feel pity for people, but not for him. He was strangely pitiful, though. Sure no one else noticed, but lately I've found it more and more obvious that he's hurting. Really hurting. I've never seen a more composed person, though. Then, there was Sirius. I was happy for him and that he got to spend his last two years as an actual godfather. Yet, he was so reckless that I didn't think it was healthy for Lupin. But he wasn't about to lose his composure any time soon. That would only happen once every month. And other times, too.
So where was I while all these prestigious thoughts were going through my head? Well, my forehead was pressed against a window, and I was sitting in a corner in the Weasley household on the Eve of Christmas Eve. Not the most glamorous place or position, but it was quiet and the window was cool. I stared out the window and all I could see was snow and more snow. How depressing. Of course, the mirror reflected a warmer picture of the Weasley drawing room where everyone was happily doing something.
I could see a slightly blurry picture of Harry and Lupin talking behind me. Lupin looked up at me just then. Brown eyes. Just like mine, but older and younger right then. Yes, there were wrinkles, but his eyes were large and stared at me with an innocent, expressionless curiousity. I had talked to him once because I think he needed to really talk to someone.
"So, I bet you have alot on your mind, right now, Hermione," he had said.
"What do you mean?"
"With school and all. Have you thought about what you want to be when you leave Hogwarts yet?"
"Of course, I have. I've always wanted to promote the growth of the wizard world. Not expand it really, but create a better understanding between it and the muggle world." I looked at him right then. Right into his eyes because he was really listening, and I thought that he would understand.
"I hate all this discrimination, and it's not just about muggles or me. You understand, don't you? About werewolves and half-breeds and house-elves who receive the worst kind of treatment."
"I understand."
"I suppose some people think that we're beyond all muggle feelings and emotions. We're just as vulnerable as they are, just with more complex circumstances to deal with. And in this past century, they're moving farther and farther away from their long-held prejudices. Away from racial discriminations and such. Sometimes I think that they are advancing and we're not." I looked at him earnestly now. He was listening to all this calmly as though he had heard all this before, but he saw it differently now. I stared at him, desperately waiting for an answer. I needed for him to agree. I held my breath.
"Werewolves isn't quite a race." I released my breath.
"But it's still the same thing. Sure, you are dangerous under improper conditions, but so are alchoholics, and the mentally ill! It's a state, that's all!" Silence took us for second. My heart was beating, quickly.
"You have a powerful idea there, Hermione," he finally said,"applying racism and discrimination of werewolves as the same concept. You have a great dream right there. I promise you'll do amazing things in your life." He looked so much like he meant it that it almost made me cry. I sware I've never thought that someone would listen to me and actually understand how much it meant. And I noticed something else to. His eyes were burning with a strange passion. I wouldn't call it jealousy. It was more like regretting that he was my age once, and felt as I did, but soon, as he entered the darker parts of his life, his dreams had just died away. I took a step closer to him and said,
"Thank you so much for listening." I didn't mean to sound so desperate then, but I think he understood how I felt.
"Thank you for talking. I think I needed that."
"I would love to talk to you again, anytime."
"Thanks, Hermione."
Lupin
I'm not jealous of her passion, but perhaps I'm drawn to it. A passion only one of such youth would have. I didn't want to take part in it, but merely watch and feel it. I felt like an old man when I thought all this. I'm not passionless, I know that. It just has been dormant for a few years. Of course, when Sirius came back... I knew that my dreams weren't as big as Hermione's because I had given up on all that, but there was a different sort of passion. But now he's gone, and it's all nothing but a nice dream...
No, what am I doing? I'm acting like I have nothing left. I have all these friends, and I'm spending Christmas at the Weasleys. I still had Harry. And there's Dumbledore, and all that he's done for me, and I can't forget the Order.
They love me like I was a brother
I was talking to Harry at that moment, listening to him talk about Quidditch and such. I let my eyes move over to wear Hermione was sitting. And there was Hermione. So quiet, pondering, her head resting on the window pane. She would understand. So maybe I lost quite a bit of myself when Sirius was gone, but I knew people and I wasn't misunderstood by everybody.
They protect me, listen to me
They dug me my very own garden
Gave me sunshine, made me happy
Yet, it seemed to me that all that I had and should appreciate was nothing but a nice dream, while the large hole I felt in my stomach was my reality.
Nice dream, nice dream
Nice dream...
I came out of my reverie, and realized that Harry's disappeared from in front of me. I look around the room. Hermione's not in her corner anymore and all the Weasley kids seemed to have vanished. Except for Percy. He wasn't there for Christmas. Molly was cooking in the kitchen. Arthur had gone to the Ministry for a meeting that had suddenly come up.
The sound of laughing and shouting came from outside. I looked out the window and there they all were, playing in the snow. It was hours before suppertime, but it had already grown dark. From what I could see, it seemed as though Fred and George had both grabbed Bill by the arms and Harry, Hermione, and Ron were all packing his jacket with snow. It was hard to think that I was around the age of the oldest Weasley sibling when everything took a turn for the worst. I was still a child then or atleast more child than an adult. Everything back then now seemed so happy and dream-like.
And so I wandered around the drawing room, looking for something to do. I constantly found myself drawn to the window. I had a cup of tea around late afternoon. Cream, no sugar. That was when they came in for hot chocolate. I could hear them chattering in the kitchen. I went in just as Arthur arrived.
"Whew! I stopped by Diagon Alley and got your things, Molly. There was quite a crowd." he said, taking off his coat. "Apparently they were all looking at this new broom that came out. Oh, look what I have here! A brochure..." There was an instant clatter of chairs and all six Weasley kids and Harry rushed over to see. Hermione sat contentedly at the table, stirring her hot chocolate, looking up at them knowingly with a small smile. And then her eyes glazed over, and she fell into thought. I stood next to the the door and think about her. Maybe I'll talk to her now.
I call up my friend, the good angel
I look up and again she's gone. In fact, Harry and Ron were gone, too. I had stood there for atleast five minutes, I think. I walked into the drawing room and found Harry poking around.
"Where's Hermione?" I asked.
"Oh," Harry said, grinning, "She's trying to find the Christmas presents we bought her. Apparently, she did a better job of hiding ours'." he said moving onto the next room.
But she's out with her answerphone
She says she would love to come help
But the sea would electrocute us all
Who was I kidding? She's still a kid. I shouldn't try to lay down all my problems on her. I walked up the stairs, and sat down on the top steps. Everything made me tired lately.
If you think that you're strong enough
If you think you belong enough
The house was suddenly quiet now. I could only hear the murmur of people talking downstairs. The whole thing made me feel heavy-headed and drowsy.
If you think that you're strong enough
If you think you belong enough
I closed my eyes and saw Sirius. I wasn't surprised. I always see him in the nighttime and when I'm alone. Right now it was pitch black outside and it seemed as though I was the only one upstairs. I guess it was just as well that I deal with my own thoughts.
Just as well Just as well Just as well
I heard footsteps come out of a room and stop. I think it was Hermione.
Nice dream, nice dream
Nice dream, nice dream...
Hermione
I noticed Lupin, just sitting there with his eyes closed. I didn't mean to pry, but I was wondering if he was looking for me.
"Did you need me?" I asked. He opened his eyes.
"Well...." he seemed to look for an answer.
"No." I don't think I believed him. Either that or he wasn't sure. I was going to ask him if he wanted to talk, but decided not to.
"Do you want to help me look for my presents then?" I offered instead. He agreed. I walked into Ron's room and headed straight for Harry's trunk.
"Why are you looking in there?" he asked, following me in.
"It's the last place that Harry would think I would look." I said, going through it. "Or atleast the last place that Ron would look." I pulled jiggled a wrapped box labeled Ron and put it back in.
"Oh, what book is this?" I said as I came across one. I opened it up to a random page. It was an album. The page I was on looked like it was from a wedding. There was a picture of a happy couple. They were obviously Harry's parents. And on the next page was a picture of Sirius and Lupin and it looked like it was taken at the reception. Sirius was holding a glass of something in his hand and looked slightly drunk. Lupin on the other hand, was trying to hold a glass and keep Sirius from falling onto the groom at the same time. He turned his head and beamed at the camera. It amazed me how young he looked.
I sat up on the bed. I knew this was probably very personal to Harry, but I couldn't take my eyes off the picture. Lupin came around and sat next to me to look.
"I remember that picture." he said laughing, "I eventually had to let go of him, and he grabbed Lily from James and started dancing." he said. "Of course, James didn't mind that he didn't get to have the first dance with Lily. But when Sirius did finally let her go, James and Lily danced like it was their last dance." Lupin frowned.
"And it was their last dance I think. They loved each other so much." he continued. He turned his head away from the picture and said, "Plus it's not like it matters anymore."
"What do you mean?" I said instantly. He looked at me as though that wasn't what he expected me to say.
"James and Lily are gone, that's what I mean. So does it matter that they loved each other? And Sirius is gone. In fact, I think that everyone in that picture is gone now."
"But still, it matters." I said. "You've heard the saying, 'love lasts forever.' " He laughed.
"I've heard it. But how can that be? When there's no one to love another?" he said, frantically as though he's been searching for the answer his whole life. He looked at me with tortured eyes, waiting for an answer.
"Look!" I said, turning to a picture with just James and Lily. "Look at how they're looking at each other! That's love isn't it ? How is it gone? You can see it with your very own eyes."
"But," he said, "It's such a sad picture."
"No," I said. "It's a happy picture. They were happy their whole lives, and they were happy right before they died." He shook his head as if I didn't understand. But I did understand.
"And you know love is there when you can still feel it," I said softly. "Like how you can still feel your love for Sirius." I don't know what made me say that. But I felt as if this was what he meant. I didn't know before, of course. He hesitated and his voice faltered as he tried to say something. I wasn't supposed to know. I guess nobody was supposed to know.
"That's the problem isn't it?" I said. There was a pause.
"Look, Hermione," he said."You're only 16 and I don't want to-"
"You won't." I said ernestly.
"Then, yes, that's it."
"Can you feel him? Don't you still wonder what he's thinking sometimes?" I asked.
"Yes..."
"There you go then. I mean even I can tell you love him.That means it's all still there."
"But it doesn't make any sense."
"I know it doesn't. It shouldn't and doesn't have to either. I've always thought that the only way was the logical way, but, you know, being with Harry so long made me realize that things are going to happen and it's not all going to make sense. And I guess otherwise, you missed out on a lot." He had understood. But what was I doing lecturing him? He had been a teacher. I just got so caught up in what I was saying, and I so desperately wanted him to feel better.
And he looked at me just then and I think he understood. It soon seemed awkward just to sit there, so I reached out my arms, wanting to hug him. It was kind of hard, in the position I was. I had to twist my body, and his shoulder was to me. So I put my arms around his neck. It was too hard to hug him, so I just held him there. He wondered what to do, so he reached over, and patted my head. It seemed as though time stopped for an instant, because for a second, neither of us were thinking.
Nice dream, Nice dream, Nice dream....