A/N- GAH! Sorry you guys, my parents are having a lets-take-our-daughter-outside-for- every-weekend-in-the-month-so-she-can't-type-her-stories moments. So I spent my whole weekend spending time with a seven year old girl that pisses right in her pants every time I make her laugh. Seriously! It was SCARY! We were crossing the road on the way back from Costco and she just sits right in the middle of the road laughing like crazy with a car coming straight our way! So me, being the kind life saving idiot I was, threw her on my back and ran…to only find that my favorite t-shirt is being used as a potty. (Shudders) I'm going to have nightmares. Well she did most of it on the ground, but still, EW!

BTW- Thanks for the amount of reviews! I hope I can finish this long chapter in thirty minutes before my bedtime (I just got home, and showered). This is one of the funniest chappie in my eyes. I think…. Well maybe it's stupid, you decide!

Disclaimer- Harry Potter is not mine. Sirius is not mine. Sirius is not mine. Sirius is not mi- I can't type it anymore! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! (Me running to the very nice person who my parents said is not a psychiatrist)…..you know I was kidding on the last part right?

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Chapter five (right?)- Of wedding bells and bets

Breakfast at the great hall

The morning of October 12th couldn't have been any brighter and happier than this day. The pure white snow was falling gently outside, portraying the exact same image upon the grand ceiling of the Great Hall. The scene was so peaceful that the people attending breakfast were quieter than usual to enjoy the moment….or perhaps it was silent because the absence of two certain bickering head students.

"Hem-hem" said Dumbledore as he commanded every student's attention with his radiating power of this, and that, and blah (A/N-too lazy to type in details.) "I am sorry to interrupt this peaceful meal, but I would like to announce a new Hogwarts school program that all the seventh year students are participating." He paused as a silent anticipation filled the air, his blue eyes twinkling more than it's usual. "However, your fellow prefects insisted that you are not ready for the task…unless you had a role model to follow before hand."

At this last statement, he swished his wand at the hall, filling it with white lacey decorations and such. The seventh year students were no longer sitting among their friends, but with the opposite gender, with small white covered tables with a lit candle in the center, as the remaining years sat in their new whitely decorated house tables. (Imagine a white flowery Yule ball with four larger tables for the less important peoples.)

Sirius and Emmeline wore identical looks of disgust as they found themselves sitting next to each other as Remus and Amber blushed in a separate table behind them. Snape was wearing an utmost glare crossed with a growl and a sneer as he found himself sitting in front of a very terrified….Peter?

"In three days you are to be assigned with the people you are sitting in front of." Continued Dumbledore, but was interrupted by a loud snarl of anger emitting from one greasy haired Slytherin.

"Ahh, I greatly apologize Mr. Snape, Mr. Pettigrew, my age must be finally catching up with me." And with his eyes still twinkling, he swished his wand yet again, so that Peter ended up with one huffy looking Hulfflepuff girl as Snape ended up with….Malfoy?

At this Dumbledore's eyes shined even brighter as few of the staff members shot him a disbelieving look. A loud chuckle emitted from under a flower veil (the little things you go under for weddings) at the newly transfigured white stage where the teachers were sitting.

From the shadows emerged the laughing face of…Lily Evans.

"Miss Evans?!?" Professor McGonagall screeched from her flowery white table. "Did you pull of this atrocious prank?"

"Maaaybe" James replied, overly enjoyed at the fact he was getting Lily in trouble.

"I am deeply ashamed of you Miss Evans, I expected something like this from Mr. Potter, five points from Gryffindor!"

James was about to yell out 'what that's it?!?' but was stopped by Dumbledore, whose eyes was twinkling even more, that it looked as it they were to burst. "Miss Evans, why the bride is not to show herself until at the end of the wedding." With a swish of his wand James was wearing a gorgeous silky muggle styled wedding robes, his face red from wearing a nicely fitted dress.

At this few squeals from the girls broke out as guys started to protest at the sound of a wedding. But all this was silence by a heavy 'bang' of the door echoed from the black suited figure, of James Potter.

"You!" HE screeched and pointed at Lily, who was smiling innocently. "I-can't-believe-you-would-do-that-on-my-wedding!" s/he gritted out, and with each word he took a menacing step forward he in a very Lilyish way, red faced and all, making once again small children cry in fear.

When she (which is really Lily) finally reached up to her own body with a scared looking James possessing it, she slapped him.

Hard.

So hard that it left a red mark on his cheek, causing Remus, Emmeline, Amber, and the rest of the student population to raise their eyebrows. Sirius just smiled, as McGonagall looked deeply ashamed.

"Mr. Potter! Twenty points from Gryffindor for using violence! Honestly what have gotten into you two? You are supposed to be role models! " she stressed the last two words out by using her fingers to stretch the imaginary words, though she does seem to be ignoring the fact that she too, was a role model, yet acting very childishly due to stress.

"Now, now Minerva." Dumbledore said, his eyes so bright that it looked as though it was about to pop. "Not on their fake wedding day"

Wedding music filled the air as the girls broke out into happy sobs, the boys groaning and rolling their eyes.

James and Lily both wore a defeated grimaced frown as a pair of two tall pearly white figures with wavy wand hair came from behind the staff table. The man had pale brown eyes with short wavy golden locks as the woman wore her long blond hair in a short pony tale, her icy blue eyes covered behind a pair of pointy glasses.

"They" Dumbledore said as he waved at the two newcomers, "Are Professor Matt Lockhart and Judy Lockhart, they are here to teach you how to take care of a child from their experiences of teaching their now young and successful Gilderoy Lockhart."

Matt gave a cheerful grin, making the girls scream and swoon, earning an annoyed frown from Mrs. Lockhart.

"Mr. Lockhart will also wed are beloved Head boy and girl on this glorious occasion."

At this James started to cough violently, having met Gilderoy Lockhart on several pureblood gatherings James knew perfectly well what his father was capable of, because he's almost as self centered as his son.

"Jolly good!' Mr. Lockhart exclaimed skipping up to the podium. "I shall read from my son's latest book, Meeting the Wonderful Me." He took out a small golden book from his pocket, on the cover an exact clone of his face winking at the crowd.

"Do you Lily Evans, take James Potter, your fellow Head student of Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry as your lawful wedded husband and to swear that at all cost you shall stand by his, and my son Gilderory's side?" He asked at the scowling James.

"Wouldn't that be cheating on him?" James raised his eyebrow.

"Ah young love." Stated Professor Lockhart. "Apologies Miss Evans, just forget the last part, now do you take him as your husband?"

"When hell freezes over." James replied gruffly.

McGonagall's lips were rapidly twitching, as if having an internal conflict of whether she should dock points in the middle of the wedding or not.

Lockhart, who apparently ignored James to look at his son's winking face in the book, exclaimed "Excellent!"

"Now do you, James Potter accept your fellow head student, take Lily Evans as your temporarily lawfully wedded wife?" He looked expectantly at Lily.

"Not even over my dead body" gritted out Lily.

"How lovely!" exclaimed Lockhart, sniffing in his handkerchief, "You may now kiss the bride.

James and Lily both looked equally revolted at the prospect of kissing each other, themselves actually, (bah whatever the point is that they still kiss, you know what I mean).

"Now, Matt, that's not required," stated Dumbledore, a small smile forming on his lips as Lily and James sighed in relief.

"Nonsense Albus!" exclaimed Mr. Lockhart. "A wedding is not a wedding without a wedding kiss!" All the girls in the school nodded their heads in a union, even Emmeline and Amber, to Lily's annoyance.

"No!" The couple yelled together.

"Kiss the bride!" Sirius chanted as he pounded on the table. "Kiss the bride!" Soon the whole hall joined in the chanting. "Kiss the bride! Kiss The Bride! KISS THE BRIDE!" As the chanting grew louder and louder Lily blushed harder as James continued to scowl at Sirius.

And then finally…

"All right! All right!" Screamed James. "I'll kiss the stupid bride!"

Silence….

"But Lily!" Sirius said in a sugary sweet voice. "You are the bride."

James looked down at his dress…. Oh ya.

"I am not kissing….hi-her I mean that thing!" Lily screeched as she pointed at James.

"Well we all know you're gay." James insulted her automatically. Every single student, including the teachers scooted their chair backwards.

Lily Evans never lied.

"Smooth Potter," she said. "You insulted yourself"

"Hem-hem" Snape sneered. "Are you going to kiss the gay guy or what Evans?"

Lily blushed, "Um, right." They both stared at each other, deeply scowling/staring each other in the eyes, looking very much looking as though they rather die.

Meanwhile Remus scooted his chair back towards Sirius to discuss the couple's weird opposite gender act, to only find him missing. "Oy, Emmeline" Remus hissed.

"Where's Sirius?"

Emmeline looked bewildered. "I dunno, I could have sworn he was sitting right here a second ago."

Back to the gazing contest of Lily and James.

"Wanna run for it Potter?" Lily muttered at the corner of her mouth.

"On the count of three." He whispered back.

"One…" said Lily.

"Two…" said James.

"THREE!" Said Sirius as he popped out of nowhere and pushed Lily towards James, resulting for them to crash into each other and their lips to touch.

The girls cooed in delight, the boys whooped and Sirius did his defying space and time thingy and ran around the room in a millisecond, throwing confetti around the air.

"SIRIUS!" James screamed with an interesting shade of red clashing with his long red hair. "YOU'RE DEAD!" and with that James kicked off his glass high heels and started chasing Sirius while holding his dress up to prevent tripping.

Lily just sat there, with slumped shoulders gingerly touching her lips whispering "Potter stole my first kiss…" (A/N- Imagine how weird it is to see a guy doing that! Remember they're in different bodies).

Lockhart just smiled and declared "I know pronounce you husband and wife as Mr. James Potter and Mrs. Lily Potter." making James stop Sirius in middle of his strangling-Sirius-to-death technique.

Ten minutes later….

"Now that all the mishaps have been sorted through," Dumbledore paused to smile at the very angry form of a certain redhead tied and gagged on a chair and a smirking Sirius behind her form. "I shall now finish explaining the new rules of what I like to call the parent program."

"Now, the each pair of students will receive a newborn child, which will learn and grow twice as faster as a normal one, thus growing a years worth in one month. This way you will all be able to watch your child grow up to he or she is seven years old in seven months. Of course, these are not real babies, but acts, looks, and feels like one due to a series of complicated spells." Dumbledore clapped his hands once as it released James from the captive chair and transported Sirius back to his seat.

"Now I trust that Miss Eva- I meant Mrs. Potter can restrain herself long enough to receive her baby before murdering her husband's best friend?" Dumbledore asked the sheepish looking James with a kind smile.

"We have taken a strand of each parent to produce an exact image of their offspring. Now Poppy, would you like to do the honors?" And with that the newly appointed medi-witch came onto the stage, holding a very adorable life like green eyed baby boy.

"Awww! He's so cute!" Lily cooed over James shoulder to take a good look at the small tuff of messy jet black hair. James just smiled down at his son proudly, earning a giggle from the newborn.

"Let me hold him! Let me hold him!" Lily smiled widely as the baby made ways into her arm, earning a wary look from Madam Pomfrey, for James is known to be how you say, not the gentlest cautious guy at Hogwarts

But to her surprise Lily started to make funny faces at Harry tapping his nose every now and then saying "whose the cutest baby? You are! You are!" in a baby voice.

James just stared at her and hissed "Guys don't do that!"

"Good thing I'm not a guy then" Lily retorted making Madam Pomfrey's eyes grow wide.

"Okay!" She rushed towards Harry and grabbed him out of Lily's arm, "back to mommy now dear." She handed him towards James arm, not noticing him sticking his tongue out at the very huffy Lily.

"What will be his name?" Madame Pomfrey asked in a business like tone as she took out a piece of parchment and a quill.

"James" said James promptly as Lily gaped at him.

"That's your-I mean my name you dolt! Give my poor baby some identity! Make his name Harry." She commanded to the very annoyed looking nurse.

"I want James!" James pouted jumping up and down making Harry squeal in delight. "Harry is a sissy name!"

"Well you're a sissy, and besides Harry's a pretty name!" Lily yelled back.

"Pretty? Pretty?" James looked disgusted. "Manly names are not supposed to sound pretty" he said the last word as if it was the cause of Quidditch's extinction.

"Well I want Harry!" Lily screeched. "James!" James screeched back.

"Harry!"

"James!"

"HARRY!"

"JAMES!"

"HARRY!"

"JAMES!"

"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARYYYYYYYYYY!" Lily screamed in a high pitched voice breaking a few windows and making the tables tremble.

"Just name him as the father says!" McGonagall yelled over the noise, making Lily stop and smiled with triumph.

"Harry James Potter" Madame Pomfrey muttered as she wrote out the name of the parchment, looking as though there never was an earth shattering scream that took place. But she did however, ran out of the room as faster than one could say 'pixie' when her task was done.

Dumbledore stood up in the middle of the stage once again. "Now we, the staff expect you to take proper care of your baby. Remember it needs to be nurtured with real food, taken care of…."

Lily and James soon stopped listing for they have received a similar speech from their head of their house and were more occupied with glaring at each other.

Suddenly, Lily broke out into a satisfied grin, breaking the I-hate-you-let's-glare contest.

"What are you looking so smug about Evans?" James muttered as he rocked Harry a little too enthusiastically, causing him to look like he was sitting on a vibrator.

"Just realized how easy it's going to be you Potter." Lily muttered at the corner of her mouth, giving the crowd a nervous grin, for she was still standing on the stage. Funny how she'd just noticed them right now. "All I have to do is be the biggest fattest ugly lazy bum in the world, just sit there and order my fans what to do. Yup, going to be the easiest week I ever had."

"You think it's that easy being me?" James frowned as Harry started to tug his mother's (he's really a father) long red hair, seeming to ask why he had stopped his bouncing.

"Duh" Lily replied with the air of a person who just ruled the world with her amazing intelligence.

"It's not that easy being me, I mean there's Quidditch, being the greatest person in the world (so you have to maintain perfect personality), the task of finishing your meals before Sirius (or else), you must perfect my smile, don't forget Sirius, Peter's snoring, Sirius…" James listed as Lily rolled her eyes.

"Basically being a guy" Lily finished.

"You think you can handle it Evans?" James wore his evil mischievous grin. "Well how bout we make a proposition to make things interesting?" He paused. "The loser must follow whatever the winner wishes for a whole day."

"I'm listening" said Lily.

"I bet you by the end of three days, you've gone temporarily insane because of Sirius" grinned James.

Lily gaped at him. "ME? Insane? You just lost your free will for the day Potter." She continued smiling, "To make things more interesting for me, then you have to smile for the whole three days being a girl, so the winner, which is me, gets two days of bossing around."

James just grinned wider. "Ha! I'm going to have so much fun watching you do whatever I want on my bit fat girly ass."

"You're on Potter, you're on."

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A/N- I hope you liked it! I'm hoping I get the next chappie up by Thursday being the latest, so check it out! Keep the reviews going peoplez! I'm deliriously happy when I get one. Oh ya, should I keep Malfoy and Snape together? Or as single parents? (who'd want to marry them?) or maybe with a professor! (but that's just wrong)

Coming up- Lessons with the Lockharts!

Preview….

"You're crazy!" he yelled at Sirius, pointing an accusing finger at him. Snape started to twitch violently and wore an insane smile. "In fact (twitch, twitch) you're crazy too!" He pointed at Professor Lockhart who was looking at him questionably with his headphones still on.

"You're crazy!" He pointed at Lily. "You're (twitch) crazy (twitch) too!" he pointed at a very freaked out Peter.

"In fact….I'm crazy! Aha……Haha…..AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" Snivel- Snape made a mad dash towards the door, having a mad (literally) look on his face…drool coming from his mouth.

End Preview…

Well cyaz!

Love,

the-author-who-got-pissed-on-her-fav.-shirt-sniff.

Was it Stupid? Weird? Funny?