A/N- Sorryz! (A mob of angry mob yelling 'liar' shaking their fists appears in front of author). I know I said Thursday but my stupid brain forgot a huge history paper was due the day after that. And when I finally did get this chapter done my computer goes all crazy on me, thus preventing me from updating on the promised date.
To reviewer daleia - Sigh…So I finally got my first review that doesn't make me all happy and bouncy. Well personally I think that it's fun to write Lily and James in switched places because of all the crazy stuff I can make them do. I will eventually place them back in their normal states, but not at the end of the story like most of the stories, oh no that's waaay too long. But if you read up to chapter five you must find a little interest in my story…..right? Ahhh well, at least you didn't call it stupid. Thanks for being honest with me but did you have to put up all those unhappy-tongue-sticking-out smilies? I wanted to try something different from my other story that's all.
BTW- This is rated PG-13 for a reason, people under eleven or so might find Sirius' performance unamusing. (Is that a word?) Review response is at the bottom. Enjoy!
Disclaimer- Harry Potter is not mine yada yada ya. I know I'm not J.K. Rowling otherwise this would be published, wouldn't it?
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Chapter six- Lessons with the Lockharts Part I
Many left breakfast at the Great Hall after the interesting fiasco that took place, smiling and bemused at what they had witnessed, the girls squealing every now end then during their excited giggles of gossip. Only two individuals seemed to be irate and highly distraught. One which seems to holding a very adorable life like baby, smiling at him while sending murderous glares at his new schedule, while the other grimaced at the sight.
"Well," James said with a very strained but frightening smile. "I guess we'll have to split up now…."
"Ya." Lily sighed, "I am not going to enjoy this lesson with Professor Lockhart, seeing he was oblivious to all the chaos that took at the wedding…"
"You know, for the first time today, Evans, I'm actually glad we switched. Lockhart's a total pain in the- oh stop scowling like that Evans!-anyways, he's even worse than his son, though I don't know how's that's even possible."
"Anyways" Lily continued, still frowning at the earlier comment James had made. "I'm going to place a tracement charm on you to make sure that you are keeping your part of the deal whenever I'm not in your disgusting presence."
And before James could open his mouth to protest, Lily cast the charm, making a blank parchment appear before her, and was bouncing down the corridors in a time span of ten seconds.
"Well…" James talked to himself in the empty corridor. "How hard would it be to smile all the time? Just put a cheering charm and Evans is in the palm of my hand. Right?" He reassured himself, only to receive a faint giggle from the bundle in his arms. James almost dropped Harry in fright, before remembering he had a baby in his arms and suddenly paled as an unpleasant odor blinded his senses. "Oh crap, I have to smile all day AND change a bloody diaper!"
With that he ran towards his classroom in panic, cursing all the way, making baby Harry give a toothless smile.
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It's a good thing that I used to baby sit. Lily happily mused. Otherwise I would have never spotted that extreme look of concentration on Harry's face and ran. Wonder how James is taking it?
Lily was so engulfed in her brief state of happiness that she started to hum a catchy tune from the Weird Sisters and sat down next to a very anxious Remus. She was completely oblivious to the world around her, that she didn't notice Professor Matt Lockhart skip into the room until the sound of his voice snapped her out of her daze.
"Now, I assume that all of your parents gave you 'the talk?'" inquired Lockhart as he smiled brightly, showing off his too-perfect-to-be-true teeth. If there were any shallow females present, they would have swooned, but all that came from the room was a collective groan from the guys, Lily agreeing wholeheartedly. For his smile was almost as arrogant as James'.
"The Talk?" Peter squeaked in confusion receiving a dramatic gasp from Lockhart.
"Dear child!" he exclaimed woefully, trying not to look too happy. "You have never learned the glory of all human life?" He took a dramatic pause. "Then I shall educate you and all of the poor souls that has been failed to be educated properly!" Lockhart grinned as he turned to sit on his chair, completely unaware of all the murderous glares the audience was shooting at Peter.
Snape even went as far as transfiguring his quill into a miniature doll version of Peter and started to chop them up into tiny little pieces with his pen knife, slowly and vengefully in the clear view of the paling Gryffindor.
Sirius however, looked positively delighted.
"Oooooh! Pick me! Pick MEEE!" Sirius waved his hand in the air as though it was on fire, bouncing up and down in his chair with a mischievous glint in his eyes. Remus, his face now pale than the violent shade of crimson it was earlier from the mention of 'the talk' were trying to pacify Sirius. With wide eyes Remus turned to Lily and mouthed 'help me', to only receive a baffled blink from her.
When Matt Lockhart finally diverted his attention from the small pocket mirror he found on his desk, he turned to Sirius and answered, "Yes Mister Black?"
In one last desperate attempt to prevent Sirius from… whatever he's doing, Remus screamed out "Nooooooooo!" and leapt from his seat, hoping to jump on Sirius and bring him to the floor.
Crash!
Remus quickly sat up his sandy brown hair was not unnaturally untidy and he was looking around confusingly for any sign of Sirius, for it was very apparent that he wasn't able to land on him.
Lily gaped as she spotted an insanely grinning Sirius standing in front of Lockhart's desk in the verrry front of the classroom. But he was sitting in the back row a second ago! How?Where?!? Lily glanced at Remus to see that he was also thinking along these lines, but gave a grim frown of defeat as he seem to give up on figuring out how his best friend had the ability to disappear from one place to another in a fraction of a second. He buried his face in his hands as Sirius began to speak, preparing himself of what would come.
"Oooh! Professor Lockhart?!? Professor! I was wondering if I could give the talk?" Sirius smiled sweetly, complete with his puppy dog eyes, earning a praising smile from the blond haired Professor.
"Of course you may, Mr. Black, I believe it's just so spiffing to see a youngster such as yourself dedicated to informing your fellow friends." Lockhart grinned at the frowning occupants in the room. "In fact I just had a brilliant idea! I will grade you today on how much attention you are paying attention!" With a tap of his wand a list of names and a quill appeared before him. "You may begin Mister Black."
At this Remus gave a weird sound of stifled cry of misery and laughter as he began to bang his head repeatedly on the table, causing Lily to raise her eyebrow.
Black can't be that bad… Lily thought… Can he?
"Hem-hem" Sirius coughed in a very Umbrigish way (which is unknown to him and any other readers who didn't read OoTP), giving a look of pure pleasure and annoyance to Remus. "You are being graaaded." Sirius said in a sing song voice as Remus seized his repeatedly banging, though looking as though he rather die.
"Okay! That's better." Sirius said beaming at his friend. "Now.." He adopted a voice of a scary sci-fi narrator, "What I'm about to teach you is so vile, so disgusting…." His voice switched to an imitation of a happy clown, "yet wonderfully cool at the same time. And, what better than to learn from…me? Sirius! The most handsome member of the Marauders.
Lily gave a snort as Sirius started to speak in his normal voice, though it sounded as though he was deliriously happy about this job.
"When a mommy doggie and a daddy doggie love each other very much…they have a special ceremony, including wine and biscuits to become stuck together." Peter gave a squeak of terror as everyone looked at Sirius disbelievingly.
Lily tuned him out repeatedly thinking… It's going to be over soon. It's going to be over soon… Over soon…
Ten minutes later….
Lily's eyes started to twitch violently as Sirius started blabbering about what corny weird remarks one should use to pick up a girl. Remus' head was unmoving on his desk, giving off the odd appearance of being dead, though Peter looked absolutely confused. Snape just scowling so hard he was red faced, making him look like…Snape. Most of the classroom disgusted out of their minds, as Lockhart stared at them happily with a smile on his face as he was listening to Wizarding Wireless with some headphones, receiving envious looks from, well…everyone except Sirius.
Please let it be over soon…Please let the bell ring…Please let Sirius drop dead to the floor and Potter becoming suddenly gay so we don't have to keep Harry…Ring you stupid bell! RING! …..Okay…..If it's not then PLEASE make Sirius shut up! Lily pleaded in her thoughts to no one in particular…
Wait…Lily realizes at the error in her last wish. Sirius wouldn't shut up even if pigs started flying…because he's Sirius…
Ten more agonizing minutes (or years, Lily couldn't tell anymore) Sirius grabbed out two black stuffed animals and started doing a puppet show….. A veeery creepy puppet show.
"Sirius! You're soooo hot please! Let's do the ceremony of looove where I feed you biscuits while you watch poops decay!" Sirius shouted in a high pitched feminine voice as he bobbed one dog's head up and down.
"Sorry baby" Sirius said in a deep voice as he bobbed dog #2 up and down. "But your too ugly for me, I only let pretty poodles feed me biscuits.
"But I look just like you!" wailed the female poodle as Sirius made her look as she was dieing from absolute misery. "Silence!" Dog #2 commanded in a harsh tone. "How dare you say I'm fat? I'm sending you to the dog pound of no return!" he screamed violently and pointed his wand at her.
"Nooooooo!" the female dog screamed. "I'm melting! I'm meeeeeeeelting!" she screeched out as she disappeared into thin air as Sirius moved the male dog over the place she was standing, making it look as it was doing it's business on that spot. "That'll teach you for calling me fat! MWahahahahahahahahahaha!"
Five minutes later.
"hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" Sirius took in a deep breath. "hahahahahahahahahahahaha-"
"STOP!" A certain disgruntled greasy haired Slytherin git stood up suddenly, knocking his chair down and interrupting Sirius in his evil laughter. (Earning cheers and whoops from the class full of boys.)
"You're crazy!" he yelled at Sirius, pointing an accusing finger at him. Snape started to twitch violently and wore an insane smile. "In fact (twitch, twitch) you're crazy too!" He pointed at Professor Lockhart who was looking at him questionably with his headphones still on.
"You're crazy!" He pointed at Lily. "You're (twitch) crazy (twitch) too!" he pointed at a very freaked out Peter.
"In fact….I'm crazy! Aha……Haha…..AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" Snivel- Snape made a mad dash towards the door, having a mad (literally) look on his face…drool coming from his mouth.
BANG! The insane future-to-be-potions-master suddenly hit the door, which was still closed, and fell unconscious. He was twitching violently muttering things like "Dogs" or "biscuits" or "He won't stop!"
Immediately five students rushed him out of the classroom before Lily or Remus could, leaving them in a very silent classroom.
After a few seconds Remus started to mutter lowly, "I knew it! I knew it! Someone did go crazy from Sirius' speech….I knew it all along! But did any one listen to me?!? Nooooo. Too bad we can't shove him a closet this time. Maybe if I replaced myself with a life size doll? No, no he found out that out too…Heh….hehe." Remus came to a sudden halt, his face overcome in a glazed expression as if he was remembering a very unhappy memory.
Lily slowly inched her chair away… just in case….
Her attention was drawn back to Lockhart which whom tutted sadly. "Tsk…tsk… That was Mr. Snape correct? Not an amusing prank. Not amusing at all." He scribbled something that looked suspiciously like a zero on the parchment and continued to bob his head along with the beat of the music that only he could hear.
"Okaaaay…" Sirius spoke up, ignoring the screams of no's and cries of misery. "Back to the show!"
Remus resumed his glazed expression, Peter listened enthusiastically, and Lily continued her mental chanting, the only thing keeping her from leaving was her unhealthy obsession to score perfect marks at everything.
Please stop talking….Please stop talking…. Lily chanted. Please stop talking.
Sirius started to do a tap dance lip singing to the muggle song 'I am beautiful'.
GAH! Lily screamed mentally. SHUT UP!
"I am beautiful, no matter you saaaaaaay! Because words caaaaan't put meeee dooooooown"
CHICKEN BUTT! A strange voice that sounded eerily like Sirius echoed throughout her head.
Eh? She suddenly sat up straighter wondering if what she heard was real or not.
Woooooooo! Merry had a little crab and ate it all up so!
Calm yourself down Lily! She told herself as she fought to maintain control over her panick. Your not going insane like Snape, nope you aren't! You are too intellectual to fall for that outrageous losing your mind thing. She smiled at the self-made compliment.
You know that talking to yourself is the first sign of insanity.
Are you going to leave?Lily asked in a timid tone.
Maaaaaby It replied in a singsong voice, making the very stressed Head Girl start pulling at her hair in frustration in a silent scream, hoping she isn't going insane, as James Potter predicted she would.
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A/N- Ok! Took me a while to finish! So sorry! Reports, party, real life, and that. Oh did I mention that I'm going to visit Japan for two weeks for my winter break? I'm leaving on the 19th so I'm not sure I can update during the holidays. But never fear! I shall type the chapter beforehand and make my friend update for me! First I have to write the chapters…. Well a single review goes a long way in motivating me because I know someone's reading this.
Next chapter is James' point of view, Sirius' (maybe depends), and a little extra.
Author Response For-
soft N' fluffy- Thank you soo much for the kind comments! I write my chapter a lot faster because of your encouraging words! I am completely happy that you enjoy my work. I am also delighted that this is becoming one of your favorites! You are a sweet n kind reviewer!
PammaPoo- Love the reviews, glad to know I have a new reader! Did you read up to this chapter? Just wondering.
SweetSouthernGal – It makes me so happy that you review so regularly! Thank you!
hyukl;kou- Nid, my friend, thanks for reviewing and all, but what's with the unpronounceable name? lol