Disclaimer: What I own – or don't own – should be pretty obvious. Song used: Avalanche by Matthew Good Band.
A/N: This is a strange little one-shot that I've had this idea in my mind for a few weeks now. The thing is, this fanfic is set after Back In Black (much, much after Back In Black), which only aired in the US recently (but more than a month ago in Canada, where I live) and I didn't want to spoil any inkling of suspense, anticipation, or anything. So, read, review, and enjoy!
Avalanche Down Through the Trees
When he showed up on your doorstep in April, months after your heartbreak, it was supposed to be a big deal. You walked with him gingerly, carefully, trying to balance – one foot in front of the other, one foot back to counter it...
You allowed him to persuade you into taking a drive in his new – but beat-up – car.
He's driving around in the neighbourhood now; you're sitting in the passenger in silence, snapping at your wrist with that rubber band you still wear. He tells you about the school he went to in Wasaga Beach, how he feels as though he finally reconciled with his parents, how much he missed you when you were gone, how much he still loves you.
When you were gone, as though you were the one who left.
How much he still loves you, as though that should make up for everything.
You lean your head on the window, watching a stream of trees blur by, waiting for him to run out of words. And he does. Now he waits for you. He waits for you to say something, but you're not going to.
After minutes of silence, the car wheezes to a halt and he looks at you, confused. "What's the matter? I thought you'd be -"
"Happy?" You supply indifferently, focusing on the low rumble of the car that makes your seat vibrate.
"Happy. Right. Or something. Which you're not."
He tries to make eye contact with you, and for a second, as your eyes meet, there's a sudden flash of light, like a rekindling. But you blink from the impact and it's gone; once again, you feel alienated and empty as you sit in his stupid old car.
Snapsnapsnapsnap goes the rubber band -.
He clamps a hand on your wrist. "Are you still doing it?"
You miss the sting of it against your skin already. "No," you answer. "I just like how this feels."
Letting go of your wrist, he collapses back onto the seat, waiting, waiting for you to make this easier for him. But why should you? He was the one who left you when he went to stay with his parents; left you homeless and feeling stupid and foolish because you couldn't help him.
"Ellie."
You begrudgingly turn to face him as you chew the inside of your mouth. He shifts in his seat so he could look at you properly; his clothes make a soft swish on the back of his seat.
"What am I supposed to do?"
"Supposed to do what, exactly?" You say boredly, as if you're tired of this whole conversation.
"This. Whatever this is supposed to be. This relationship. How do I make things better?" Tentatively, he reaches out to touch your face but you recoil.
"What relationship?"is all you can reply. A spasm of hurt passes by his face like a shadow, or so you think you see, but when you look again, all you can see is a sort of strange determination.
He was always stubborn.
His fingers graze the tip of your chin as he leans over to whisper, "You don't mean that."
Snapsnapsnapsnapsnapsnapsnapsnap -
His hands rove over to your cheeks and he closes his eyes, trying to find something familiar, trying to find something he used to see in you.
You move away from him slightly, startling him from his little reverie.
"You don't know whether or not I mean that. I don't know. God, you made things so complicated when you left! You – you couldn't take it, so you just...you took off. You left me waiting."
Avalanche, start inside of me,
Avalanche, down through the trees...
Months of momentum that have built up inside of you pour out and suddenly, you're yelling. You scream about this whole crappy year without him, how you feel stupid for missing him, how you've tried to understand what he went through but couldn't, how you felt –
There is an eerie silence. He stares. "Felt what?"
You open the door and step out into what seems to be an endless stretch of road. The sudden sunlight hurts your eyes. You don't know where you are, but maybe you could find your way home. Maybe you could get a ride.
"Felt nothing."
He gets out, too. "Felt what?"
"Felt nothing, Sean. I felt nothing!" This is the first time you've said his name in months and it feels foreign to you. You slam the door quickly and you lose balance from the impact – you're stumbling over the sidewalk, layers of mesh skirt flying, falling onto the ground.
He sits next to you on the edge of the sidewalk. Your legs are sprawled in front of you and your lips are pursed tightly, because you're struggling not to cry.
You take a small breath. "The thing is, Sean, is that...is that I don't think I love you anymore."
His eyebrows raise and this time, it's him who recoils. "You – you don't -"
No. Yes. Maybe. "I don't know."
He stands up. "You don't know? God, Ellie, this is – this is stupid. Is it because I left? I had to do that. Don't you get it? I had to! That thing with Rick; it was driving me crazy. It was just..."
His voice trails off to nothingness, as he plops down next to you again. You, with your eyes full of tears, sneak a few peeks at him; he's staring at something, eyes vacant.
Your hands are shaking as you lift one to touch his shoulder. In a split second, after your fingers meet with him, he's suddenly kissing you; desperately, trying to light up that flame –
Trying to make you love him.
I'm spinning and you're spinning
The world's spinning and we're laughing
And I'm charming, the devil's charming
And we're ruined but we're still building
And I'm selling and you're counting
The world's stopping but we keep going
And we're ruthless and we're cunning
And I'm heir to it all.
Little bursts of fire explode in the blackness of your eyelids, you try; you try to conjure up what was before, focusing the feel of his lips on yours, his hands sliding onto your cheeks and balancing you against him...
The world is normal again. His hands drop from your face and he pants, looking hopeful. Your lips are wet and cold from the slight breeze and you're quaking.
Goosebumps form on your forearms and you wrap your arms around yourself, rocking slightly.
"Do you -" He stops. "D-Did you feel that?"
You're breathless and cold, so you manage to only nod out a yes.
He closes his eyes in relief. You scoot over so he could take your hand.
This key is to your kingdom
This key is to your heart
"Tell me, dammit. Tell me you love me," he says.
You tell him and laugh at the drama of it all. This – this whole thing is just so Paige...and it happened to you, but you relish it just the same.
You talk for awhile, about Jimmy, about Paige's affair with that teacher's assistant who got fired when everyone found out about them, about Spinner getting expelled from school, about how you've been taking therapy sessions. He listens in just the right way, nodding, frowning, swearing in all the right places.
Finally, he stands up. "So, do you want to head back, now?"
"Go ahead. I think I'm going to stay here by myself for awhile, okay?"
He smiles, your arm still stretched upward, your hand in his. He lets go, tells you how to get home and leaves, sending a musty wave of dust in your direction as his car putts away. You watch him disappear into the distance until you can't see him anymore.
You didn't expect this sort of ending. You thought every feeling you had for him had disappeared, but maybe they were just stored somewhere deep inside of you and you just needed someone to help you dig them out.
You waited for each other – on so many different levels – and you ended up at the same place anyway with each other.
The sky is dim; grey-blue with some orange lining the tops of the houses and buildings in the direction in which he went. You slowly heave yourself up and begin making that slow walk home; pacing and balancing.
So one foot in front of the other...
The End