Secrets, Lies And Promises

Disclaimer: They're not playing, it wasn't any fun. But they're still not mine.

Summary: Xander breaks his promise, Giles goes to see Spike.

Reviews: Yes, please. Reviewers rule the world my muse lives in.

A/N: It seems that Spike had deeper issues than I imagined. I don't know exactly where they're going from here but it should get better.

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Xander went back to his empty apartment. His head was still filled with the images from Spike's memories. He felt he had two options; he could either be sick or get drunk. At the moment he felt getting drunk was the more appealing of the two. He had cut back a lot since spending first week after his aborted wedding to Anya in a drunken stupor. He still loved her with all his heart but couldn't figure out how to make it up to her so for a while he'd hid in a never-ending six-pack of beer. Twisting the cap off the first of a fresh six-pack, he sat down to watch television. He'd lied to Buffy; he had the next day off. He just hadn't felt like talking to her. If he'd said anything at all it would have resulted in an argument that ended in him revealing what he knew. Part of him wished he hadn't pressed Spike for the full story but now that he knew, he needed to figure out what to do about it. He'd promised not to tell anyone. Not that he was afraid of Spike, chip or no, he seriously couldn't see Spike killing anyone anymore. It's just that the information was so personal and painful that Xander didn't want to think about it. It was a burden he hadn't been prepared for.

Xander interrupted his musings to open another beer. He'd downed the first one almost as fast as the one at Buffy's house. He had built up quite a tolerance to alcohol in the past month so he wasn't feeling any effects yet. Making a decision he wasn't conscious of considering, he picked up the phone and dialed a number he knew but hadn't used much.

Listening to the phone ring, he debated whether or not he should hang up. Hearing it get picked up took away that decision.

"Hello?" A familiar British voice sounded in Xander's ear.

"Giles." Xander said. "I need some advice."

"Xander. It's good to hear from you. How can I help?" The surprise was evident in the father figure's voice.

Xander took a long swig for courage. "I promised I wouldn't tell but I have to talk to someone. I can't tell Dawn. It would kill her."

Giles took a deep breath and set his book aside. "It sounds very serious. What's the problem?"

"It's Spike. I know where he is." Xander said.

"But Xander, Dawn already knows where he is." Giles tried to comfort the younger man.

"I know that. I was with her when Spike started 'talking to her' and figured it out. That's not what will kill Dawn. I know why Spike left." Xander slouched back on the sofa and closed his eyes. "And I promised him I wouldn't tell anyone but.... I don't know how I can.... It's so hard... so awful... the things she did... the things she said... I don't know how he survived. God, she hurt him so much." Xander started to babble, the dam on his emotions finally breaking free.

"Dear Lord." Giles murmured. How had things gone so wrong for his 'children'? He wondered what Xander had said to the vampire to get him to tell why he'd fled Sunnydale. "Xander. Calm down. Tell me what happened. Spike confided in you?"

"I pushed him. Dawn and I were linked to him and I asked him why he hadn't come back to visit. He said he couldn't be anywhere she was. He couldn't even say the word 'slayer' much less call her by name. So I got Dawn to close her side of the link and go away so I could try and get him to talk. God help me, he did more than that. He transferred his memories to me. Every thing he and Buffy did, everything she did and said to him. God, Giles she was so cruel. He wasn't exactly Mr. Innocent but at least I could tell he only wanted to love her. She paid him back with pain and hatred. Don't ask me for details, I don't think I can do that. Not to Spike. It's bad enough I'm breaking my promise to this extent. He said he'd kill me if I told anyone but I don't believe he'd do that. I think it would hurt him too badly to know I couldn't even last a day. But, I had to talk to someone. Buffy wanted to know what was wrong with me. Giles, I couldn't even look at her." Xander's voice broke.

"Without going into a lot of detail, can you tell me some of what she did to him? I know they spent a lot of time fighting, are you telling me that there was more?" Giles asked.

"Lots more. One of the worst was a fight they had. I think it was when Warren tried to frame her for murdering his girlfriend. Spike was trying to keep Buffy from turning herself in before they could find out what really happened. He was trying to keep her from ruining her life by confessing to a murder she didn't commit. After the first couple of punches he stopped fighting back. He told her to quote 'put it all on me' end quote. Dear God, she did. He just gave up and let her hit him. She just kept hitting him. He wouldn't fight back, just laid there and took it. She beat him so bad I'm surprised he got back to his crypt before the sun came up. He still had bruises on his face a week later. He told us he got them patrolling." Xander swallowed some more beer to remove the lump from his throat. "He looked worse than when Glory got done with him."

"Oh Dear God. Is that why... no it couldn't be. He was relatively undamaged when he got here. Then why did he leave?" Giles was puzzled.

Xander laughed. A bitter laugh, oddly reminiscent of the one Spike had given when he'd first called to ask if he could come to England. "She made him tell her he loved her. Then she made him tell her he wanted her and prove it to her. After that she blew up his crypt. Then she told him she could never love him. She broke up with him. She told him she was using him. He said he wasn't complaining, he loved her. That's when she told him it was killing her. God, isn't that rich. Why didn't she just stake him?"

"That's why he seemed so broken." Giles murmured.

"I wouldn't be a bit surprised that he was. How did this happen? When did she become so cold and cruel? Was it because we brought her back? Or was it always there and we didn't see it?" Xander asked, heartbroken.

The former Watcher sighed. "I don't know. Part of being the slayer is being solitary. Not having anyone to have to take care of but yourself. But normal was never part of Buffy's life. Slayers don't have friends and family. Slayers don't fall in love with vampires. She's unique but still, I can't understand deliberate cruelty."

"I don't know. I don't really want to think about it any more right now. I think I'll finish the beer in my fridge and pass out. I gotta to do some serious forgetting." Xander told the older man dryly, finishing his third beer in less than an hour and opening a fourth. "I'm sorry I disturbed you."

"No, no. I'm glad you called. I wish Spike had told me. But I'm glad he finally got it out of his system. I have a lot to think about now. I think I'll call the coven later to see how he is. There is bound to be some reaction on his part from this." Giles said.

"Yeah, I think he'll need someone to talk to. It's nowhere near out of his system. Just don't tell Dawnie any of this." Xander asked.

"No, of course not. It would be devastating for her to know. Her relationship with Buffy is strained at best. This would destroy it. Dawn loves Spike so much that knowing her sister was so deliberately cruel to him... I don't know how she'd take it." The former Watcher said.

"Not well." Xander answered.

"Quite. Good night Xander." Giles prepared to hang up.

"Thanks, G-man." Xander couldn't resist the hated nickname as he hung up.

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Spike was still sleeping when a young witch knocked on his door to tell him he had a phone call. He'd declined having a telephone installed in his room, he hadn't really felt he needed one as he rarely got calls. He knew it was either Rupert or Xander calling so he got up and changed out his black sweat pants into his usual black jeans and snug black t-shirt. He quickly drank a mug of blood before leaving to take his call.

"Hello?"

"Spike, it's Rupert. How are you?" Giles asked.

"As soon as I wake up I can tell you. Why the sudden concern, Watcher?" Spike asked suspiciously.

"Xander called me. He seemed to think you would need someone to talk to when you woke up. Something about being upset. He didn't give me any details. He said I would have to ask you." Rupert explained, hoping the young vampire wouldn't hear the evasion in his voice.

Spike was silent for a moment, seething. He should have known better than to trust a Scooby. The wanker had wasted no time calling and spilling everything he knew to Giles. He took a deep unneeded breath. He rested his forehead on the wall next to the phone and wished for the first time that he had a private line. "He promised." The words were low and unsteady.

"Spike. Xander needed someone to talk to. He was pretty upset by whatever it was you told him." Rupert hastened to assure the young vampire his secrets were still safe.

"How much did he tell you?" Spike asked softly, dangerously.

Giles thought for a moment, knowing his delay would be taken wrong. "He didn't give me any details at all. He told me that you had transferred some of your memories to him and he was having a difficult time dealing with them. He was well on the way to being drunk when he called me. He merely said that Buffy had been unbelievably cruel to you and that he could understand why you left as you did. Spike, he couldn't even look at Buffy when she came home last night. He had to leave as fast as he could just so he wouldn't have to talk to her." He explained.

Spike couldn't speak. He wasn't sure he could trust that Xander hadn't told the Watcher everything. The fact that the older man wasn't right there with a stake in his hand led Spike to believe that the Whelp hadn't spilled everything he knew.

"Spike, are you okay?" Giles couldn't hide the concern in his voice.

The blond cleared his throat. "Um... listen. I'll... ah... talk to you later. Okay? I can't right now. I gotta go." He hung up quickly before the older man could say anything further. He nearly ran to the training room that had been set up for him. He began viciously punching and kicking the hanging bag in the center of the room, desperately trying to keep his emotions in check.

Giles immediately dialed the private number of the high priestess. She answered as if she'd been expecting his call. Which, he thought with grim amusement, she probably was. Without going into detail, he explained the situation to her. She'd been aware of Spike's emotional upheaval but hadn't known the cause of it. She granted Giles special permission to visit as soon as he could get there. When he arrived forty-five minutes later, Spike was still in the training room showing no signs of stopping anytime soon.

Giles stood in the doorway watching his young friend pummel the hapless punching bag. His heart ached in sympathy for the pain the vampire was in. He was clueless about how to help.

"Spike." He said softly, knowing the vampire could hear him.

The platinum blond stopped what he was doing, facing away from the visitor. He'd stripped off his t-shirt at some point and Giles could see the tension in the bare back. He gave one more vicious spinning kick to the punching bag and landed facing the older man.

"Can we talk?" Rupert asked as softly as before.

Spike sent him a cold glare and picked up his shirt, putting it on. "I don't want to talk about it. I shouldn't have told the Whelp. Someday I'll learn not to trust people. They betray you the first chance they get."

Giles removed his glasses. "Xander didn't betray you. I don't know the details of what went on between you and Buffy." He saw Spike flinch at the name. "But I promise you, your secret is still safe."

"Don't make any promises. There's nothing you can say I haven't already heard." He brushed past the former Watcher as he left the room. Giles grasped his arm, stopping the vampire's progress. Icy blue eyes flicked up to glare into sympathetic green ones only to turn away again. Giles gazed at the tense profile in front of him, seeing the muscles bunching in the jawline and the narrowed eyes staring straight ahead.

"Why can't you talk to me?" The older man asked quietly, insistently. "After all we went through last summer, why all of a sudden can't you tell me? I thought we were friends."

Pain and grief chased each other across Spike's face. "So did I." He said, then shook himself free and ran.

Giles followed, knowing the vampire would head for him own space. Sure enough minutes later he arrived at Spike's room and heard his music blasting. He knew he hadn't brought a stereo with him, he'd had nothing when he came here, so Spike must have used his magic to install it. Trying the doorknob, Rupert was relieved when it turned easily. He stepped into the room cautiously. Spike was sitting in the middle of his bed, knees drawn up to his chin, eyes closed and rocking back and forth. It was chillingly reminiscent of his reaction immediately following Buffy's death. He stopped for a second and the blaring music ceased. Quiet echoed through the room as he began rocking again.

"Spike. Do you want me to call Angel?" Giles asked carefully as he sat on the end of the bed. The blond head shook violently.

"Peaches is pissed at me again. He opened our link once when B-bu... she and I were...um... shagging. So he broke our bond again." The words were spoken quietly and Giles had to strain to hear them.

"Oh dear." Was all he could think of to say. He waited.

"So, Watcher. Where's the stake? Isn't this where you go all fatherly on me and dust me for daring to defile your daughter?" The bitter words were stark with pain. He opened his eyes and waited.

Rupert pinched the bridge of his nose. A stray tear traced a path down his face, startling the watching vampire. "My dear boy, if there was any defiling done, it seems to me that you were the victim."

Spike jumped up from the bed and started to pace agitatedly. "I thought you said Xander didn't give you any details." He accused.

"He didn't. He told me enough to make me understand how undeniably cruel Buffy was to you." Again there was a flinch at the sound of the name. "Your reaction when I say her name and the fact that you can't say it at all tells me more than Xander ever could. How long did you think you could delay dealing with this? I know you'd found some peace here but what about when you left? How long did you think you could go without it coming back to haunt you?" Giles watched Spike pace, knowing he'd struck a nerve when the pacing stopped.

"Is forever too much to ask for?" He shoved his hands through his hair. "GOD! What is WRONG with me??" He demanded. "I'm a VAMPIRE! I KILL slayers! Vampires don't love. They don't let slayers treat them like their own personal toys. Demons have no feelings. Isn't that what they teach? That's what she keeps saying. That I can't love, I have no feelings. Then why does it hurt so much? Please tell me why." He pleaded as he sank to the floor. "I can't do this any more. Make it stop hurting." He raised tormented blue eyes to meet sad green ones. "Stake me."

Giles shook his head slowly. "I can't."

A laugh bubbled out hysterically. "Yes, you can. You've staked vamps before. What would be so different? Please...just...make it stop."

Rupert recalled his conversation with the high priestess. 'Whatever happens Spike must not die today.' She'd instructed. 'He has a much greater destiny than to die over a broken heart. He will mend and become stronger.' He regarded the blond vampire gravely. He was kneeling on the floor, head bent in defeat. His despair too deep even for tears.

"Spike." He said sadly. "I can't. Don't ask me."

The vampire on the floor seemed to crumple before his eyes. He fell forward onto his arms then let his body slide onto his side, curling up and grasping his legs with his arms. Giles rushed over and knelt in front of the young wizard.

"I know it hurts. I can't imagine what you're going through, what you've been through. But I can promise you it will get better. You survived Buffy's death, you can survive this. You didn't become part of the scourge of Europe by lying down and dying. You fought back against Angelus and became stronger for it. Fight now, be stronger. Don't let her defeat you. If you die today, she wins. You didn't deserve the way she treated you. You have a greater capacity for love than any other creature I've ever met. Don't let her take that away from you. Think about Dawn. She needs you. Don't break her heart." Giles said desperately.

Spike's dark blue eyes stared sightlessly past Giles showing no indication that he'd heard anything being said to him.