A/N: Thank you for the reviews- there were some lovely comments there that made me really happy with how this story is going, and I'm so gratified to know that you're enjoying reading it.
I know it isn't very fast-paced, but I promise you there is a plot in motion here, and the wheels are already turning inexorably towards my intended conclusion (not that the conclusion is particularly near at hand, by the way- we have a way to go yet). So it really is only going up from here. Or down, depending on your perspective. Meh.
Anyway, enough of me. Please, read on.
And The Snow Falls
Chapter Four
As If Drowning
I sighed.
It was one of those days- the kind that are really long and dull, when nothing really seems to happen, and you keep sinking into a stupor from the sheer boredom of it.
A fly was buzzing around the room. I tilted my head slightly, trying to spot it, eventually finding it only to lose it again as it flew in front of the shelves of dark leather-bound books on the far wall. I could hear it darting around, busy busy busy with going nowhere.
I sat back a bit in my chair, and stared at the screen in front of me. There were about two pages of writing carefully typed up on it, staring back at me, but the words weren't interesting anymore. I couldn't even remember what the story was really supposed to be about anymore. The fly's buzzing had stopped. The window was open a little; perhaps it had flown out at last. I scratched my chin distractedly.
The sound of the computer- that high, whining, alive sound- crept into my senses. It hummed, faint but shrill, through my brain until I noticed I had a headache.
I wondered if I'd expected anything to really change once we'd moved. Had I thought my ever-solidifying writer's block would miraculously vanish? Had I imagined Tohru would suddenly depend on me as her most vital source of happiness? Had I really expected Yuki's death to not matter any more?
Somewhere far off, a telephone rang, the sound drifting through the window, lost and out of place in the quiet. I sighed.
The Sohma house was so still. Sometimes, like at that very moment, I felt like I was drowning in it. It was like what they say about freezing to death under a blanket of snow; that it's peaceful, that the cold begins to feel warm and gentle once you give into it, and you drift gently into a welcome sleep from which you simply never wake.
The Sohma house drew me into dreams that felt muted and cottony, something comfortable to float through. It was easier to surrender to them there, sat in the heart of the miasma of stillness.
Like someone speaking to me in my sleep- like hearing Kyou talking on the other side of Yuki's door- the voices came back to me.
'Shigure-san! Shigure-san!'
I feigned sleep, the most difficult part of the act being stopping myself smiling at my game.
'Hey, Shigure-san!'
'Nnnnh…'
'He's just teasing you, you know.' I wished he wouldn't always ruin the game.
Small hands smoothed my hair, the touch almost maternal, but the voice was too mischievous for that.
'I know that, Hatori. Hey, I know you're not asleep!'
I caught quickly at the wrists, stopping the hands in their tracks, and leaned slightly forward to nuzzle at the soft skin of an exposed neck.
'Aah…'
'Shigure. Stop that.'
A knock.
"Can I come in?"
My eyes snapped open, and I was back in reality again. Someone had brushed the snow off. I hadn't even intended to let the memories find and seduce me so easily.
"Of course, Ha-san," I said cheerfully. The stillness ebbed away, suspicious and despising sound and company. My door opened, and the doctor entered.
He looked even more poker-faced than usual. It meant he was going to talk about something serious, I knew from experience. Hatori was like that- he always had been, actually- guarding his thoughts and feelings so thoroughly that he may as well have had a mask for a face. The only time I saw him smile was with Kana. And with Tohru, once.
"I know you can't bear to be without me, Ha-san, but it's only been an hour since lunch. I'm sure you can wait until dinner to see me again," I said patiently.
He just looked at me.
I sighed resignedly. "All right, I'll make an exception, just this once. The desk or the floor?" I asked considerately, starting to rise and moving to undo the knot of my belt.
Hatori's lips pinched together slightly in that way they always did when I joked in this particular vein. It's never ceased to amuse me.
"Shut up, you complete fool," he said flatly.
I beamed at him.
Ten minutes later and we were seated comfortably, each with a cigarette and both waiting for the real subject to be approached.
Hatori pushed his fringe back impatiently, a stress-related reflex, and immediately dipped his head forward quickly to make the hair fall back into place over his injured eye; a more self-conscious reflex.
I pretended not to have noticed.
"You want to know why Akito asked us to live here again, right?" I said at last.
"Do you know?" he replied bluntly.
I took a long draw from my cigarette, contemplating it.
"No, not really," I said finally. "But I have several vague ideas. Only the same ones as yours, I'm sure."
"Hm."
We sat together in companionable silence for a few moments, and I fingered my cigarette absently. The computer's whining started encroaching upon my hearing again, and I got up to switch it off.
"Will you be able to protect her?" Hatori asked. I wished he wasn't always so blunt.
I reached for the 'off' button, and listened for the death of the metallic keening.
"What do you think?"
The screen went black, and Hatori closed his eyes as he took a drag of his cigarette.
He didn't seem to realise that I was actually asking.
I pricked my ears, my glance rising to the wall, then flicking to the window. A low, steady beat was what drew my attention- which wasn't hard, given that I was so bored I'd already started decorating my would-be notes with doodles of Tohru. Hatori had left over an hour earlier, and I'm not suited to such a total lack of stimulation for so long.
The whole plan of sitting in front of my desk until I actually got something written suddenly seemed pointless and stupid. The words just weren't coming, and I was kidding myself if I thought that would change anytime within the next few hours. Besides, I welcomed distractions on a good day. And this was one of those days.
Discarding a sudden mental image of my editor sobbing her way to the nearest cliff edge, I rose and wandered from my study, heading for the sound. It became clearer as I went, the beat gaining a base line, then some definite drums, a lead melody, and finally an angry-rock-music type vocalist.
When I slid the door open, the music hit me in the face, and I wondered if I'd just doomed myself to tinnitus.
"Kyou-kun?" I asked loudly, blinking at him over the noise. He didn't hear me.
He was exercising, I supposed, judging by the seamless stream of angry movements he was working through, quite a few of which looked like they'd be painful to be on the receiving end of. I wondered if he was picturing someone as he went through each punch, kick or dodge.
His face was a picture of concentration, which was quite a rarity. Really, if he had that look more often, I might be able to take him a little more seriously. But he's just far too easy to annoy, and it's so much more fun to wind him up than be serious with him.
I reached for the CD player- fortunately within arm's length of the doorway- and switched it off. Kyou spun round, and glared when he saw it was me.
"Deafening yourself won't be an excuse for not listening to me when I ask you to do chores, you know," I told him, wagging a finger at him. He bristled.
"Don't barge in without knocking!" he shot at me, striding towards me with a particularly unfriendly look on his face. I stepped back from the doorway, sensing physical danger. Kyou was always so disrespectful towards me, I could sigh just thinking of it.
"But Kyooooou-kuuuuun, you wouldn't have heard me even I had knocked! Your music was so loud the doors were rattling," I complained, and he scowled.
"Don't whine like that, it's disgusting! And don't come in my room at all if you can't knock!"
"But I'd never come in your room, Kyou- I go elsewhere for that kind of thing. You're just not my type," I said, offering him a sympathetic look. "I know it's hard, but you'll just have to find someone else, someone as loud and stupid as you, someone who shares your interests… Do you know anyone else who likes losing fights to everyone?" I asked brightly.
"You stupid little-"
I shut the door in his face.
I didn't hear his door bang as I made my swift exit, so he'd obviously decided not to bother hunting me down and skinning me this time. I scampered round the corner, smugly satisfied with my work, glad the day was no longer completely wasted, and headed off along a narrower corridor, which I knew led to the central garden. I could circle back to my rooms easily from there, and enjoy stretching my legs a little in the process.
I reached a short flight of stairs, but as I started to descend them, someone appeared from a nearby doorway and hurried my way, face down and obviously unaware of me.
At the sound of my step on the stair, she suddenly looked up, and her face was visible, though I already knew it was Tohru. She saw me not a moment too soon, since she was about to collide with me. The risk of her inadvertently making me transform wasn't the first thing on my mind, however; it was her expression. Even in a single glance, it struck me as… strange. I couldn't put my finger on it.
Her surprise at suddenly seeing me made her miss a step, and she stumbled, letting out a little cry.
I flung out a hand to catch one of hers, pulling her forwards in time to stop her tumbling back down the stairs and onto the floor. Her fingers closed reflexively around mine as she regained her balance, the grip tight, and it reminded me abruptly of Yuki's funeral, when her hand had clung to mine as if that touch were the only thing preventing her crumpling to the ground.
Her head snapped up, her eyes fixed on mine over our linked hands, and that odd look was still there.
"Tohru-kun?" I asked, brow furrowed. I squeezed her hand slightly, wanting her to react, and give me a clue to the reason for her expression.
A mist seemed to clear from behind her eyes, and she smiled. "Thank you," she said, her grip changing as if to let go of my hand, but I didn't let go of hers.
"Are you all right?" I asked seriously.
She nodded, and I descended a step, bringing us within a foot of each other. She tried to let go of my hand again, and I reluctantly released her. I looked at her quizzically, but she just smiled at me in her usual way. It was as if I'd only imagined the way she looked a moment before.
I wasn't going to get an explanation, I realised. I went for the next best thing, and, putting on an airy tone and shrugging elaborately, I said, "I save a Tohru-kun who can't even look where she's going, and all she does is say 'Thank you'. She's not really grateful at all."
Tohru's eyes widened and she stammered quickly, "I'm very grateful, Shigure-san, and if there's anything else I can do, please just tell me! I'm sorry!"
There was the old Tohru. I shook off my feeling of unease and aimed for greater things.
"Isn't the grateful princess supposed to kiss her knight in shining armour?" I asked cheerfully, and I let her get flustered and red for a few seconds before leaning closer and saying quietly, "Or maybe the knight should kiss the princess…"
"What- but!" she cried, before I suddenly took her hand and lifted it to my lips, kissing her fingers softly.
She went even brighter red and mouthed something incoherent.
I smiled as something warm and possibly fuzzy swept over me. Tohru is far too cute for someone like me to resist. She has no idea at all.
"There's my Tohru-kun," I told her, and let go of her hand.
She stood frozen on the spot as I turned to head back to my room.
When I slid my door open a few minutes later, still chuckling to myself, I immediately sensed another presence in the room, and my laughter caught sharply in my throat. I felt abruptly uneasy, and all the light, sweet feelings from my brief meeting with Tohru died in that instant, leaving me feeling empty and sending a wave of foreboding sliding through me.
Just like that, I knew my day, which had finally started improving, was about to be reclaimed by the deathly stillness of the Sohma house, and the unavoidable darkness of its curse.
Emerging from shadows I hadn't even noticed in my room before, the expression on the intruder's face told me I wasn't going to like what he had to say.
"I need to talk to you, Shigure," Akito said, that soft hiss in his voice, turning to fix a dark, glassy stare on me. In that moment, like a faltering flame guttering in the onset of icy rain, any hopes I'd had for happiness in that house abandoned me.
I shivered against my will under his scrutiny.
He stepped past me to slide the door shut, his body deliberately brushing ever so slightly against mine, and somewhere, another chess piece moved, as the dull, metallic keen of my computer began to fill the silent air.