Well here's another go at a new Doug and Carol story-sort of. Here's what you need to know:
-Carol did marry Tag at the end of Season 1. They moved away but Carol did keep in occasional contact with her friends at County. Doug and Carol were on amicable terms when she left but things had been a little rough..assume their history to that point was true.
-Doug is Doug. He is no saint but definitely recovered from his early troubles. He has been in several relationships but hasn't ever 'settled down.'
-Susan never left County and is now Chief of Emergency Medicine. She and Mark had a brief fling but there was never anything serious between them. They are still good friends.
-Mark and Elizabeth met, married, had Ella, etc but forget the entire brain tumour storyline because I never liked it in the first place and this is my story. Mark is Chief of Staff and Elizabeth is Chief of Surgery. Because of when Carol left, Elizabeth has never met her although she knows of her.
-That's about it as far as main characters. Some others may get a minor mention but you can either pretend they never came-or came and left-whatever. Hey, what can I say, I'm loyal to the original cast (plus Elizabeth).
I do not own any of the characters and make no money from their use. The title of the story comes from Toby Keith's song of the same name, which inspired the piece.
Please e-mail me with any feedback. This isn't NC-17 (yet), but it is still not recommended for young readers due to talk of violence. Many many thanks to Jo, my loyal beta reader, and to those in my LJ fic filter for your comments.
November 2002
Susan reached eagerly for the phone when she heard it ring about an hour after she'd returned home. 'Hello?'
'Hey Susan, it's Carol. How are you?'
'Great! I was so surprised to get your message. How are you? Where are you?' Surprised didn't really begin to cover it. It had been quite some time even since she'd received an e-mail from Carol, and then to get a message on her voice mail.
'I'm OK. I'm in Chicago. I got your number from information. I hope you don't mind.'
'Mind? I'm thrilled. Do you want to get together? Is Tag here with you?'
'I'm here alone, but I'd like that very much. When is good for you?'
'Anytime. I'm off tomorrow and work 3-11pm on Friday. But...Do you have dinner plans for tonight?'
'No, no' Carol said, with more than a little hesitation evident. 'Do you want to meet somewhere?'
'There is this new grill place I wanted to try. It's near the Fullerton El Stop. Can you get there easily from where you're staying?'
'Sure, I'm also on the red line at Sheridan.'
'How about 7:30?' Susan asked, glancing at her clock.
'Sure, see you then.'
As she got ready to go out, Susan was surprised that she felt nervous. 'I shouldn't be,' she reasoned with herself. 'It's just Carol.' But on the other hand, she was thinking about how she hadn't seen Carol for quite a while and was worried about what Carol would think of her. She also couldn't help but wonder what had brought Carol back after such a long absence. Glad for the chance to reconnect, and thrilled that Carol had called her, she settled on an outfit and headed to the restaurant.
When Carol arrived at the restaurant, she glanced at her watch and realised she was a few minutes early. 'Why do I feel nervous?' she asked herself. She found, however, that she could not shake the feeling, and her anxiety increased as the minute hand on her watch inched toward 7:30.
Susan spotted Carol first and called out, 'Carol.' As Carol turned her head to look for Susan, Susan realised Carol looked more or less the same as she had four and a half years ago when they had last seen each other. After that, Tag's last conference in Chicago, they had written each other less and less often
As Susan approached, there was an awkward moment as neither she nor Carol knew exactly what to say or do. Finally, Susan put out her arms and gave Carol a hug. 'It's great to see you again. Welcome back.' Susan noticed that Carol didn't seem very comfortable with the hug, but decided not to say anything.
'Thanks, it's nice to see you again too,' Carol said, returning Susan's hug.
They walked into the restaurant and as they ate, they talked. At first, they both kept their questions general, not sure where the boundaries were after more than a year without contact, but they soon relaxed.
'No wedding ring yet?' Carol asked Susan with a smile.
'No, not quite yet.' Now that the topic had been broached, Susan felt comfortable mentioning the fact that she'd noticed that Carol wasn't wearing a wedding ring. 'Did you lose your rings?'
'No,' Carol said, looking down.
'I'm sorry, I didn't mean...' Susan started.
'No, no. It's OK,' Carol said. 'It's just that...Can we talk about this later?'
'Of course,' Susan said, relieved that there would be a later. 'How long are you in Chicago for?'
'I don't know,' Carol admitted. 'A while.'
'Are you staying with your mom?'
'No, she moved out of state and into a retirement facility a year ago.'
'You know you're more than welcome to stay with me if you need somewhere to go.'
'I couldn't impose.'
'You're not' Susan explained. 'I have more than enough space in my condo. I want you to stay with me.'
'OK,' Carol agreed. 'I'd like that too.'
'We'll go back to your hotel after we finish and get your stuff.'
'This is all I have,' Carol said, indicating a backpack at her feet. 'I checked in but didn't feel comfortable with the crowd so I didn't want to leave it,' she explained. 'I'll just need to let the front desk know that I won't be coming back.'
'OK, that's no problem.'
'Since I've been so bad about keeping in touch so I wasn't sure who to call, who might still be in Chicago. You were the first person I tried, though.'
'You know I'd never leave,' Susan said with a laugh. 'You'd be surprised, though. Quite a few people are still here, and at County. Mark, Doug, Carter, most of the nurses...' Susan started.
Carol found that she wanted to ask about Doug, but knew that would mean going into the longer story, so she saved that question for later. 'And how about Peter? Where did he end up?'
'He and his wife moved to NY a few years back. He was offered a position at Mount Sinai.'
'And decided that he'd had enough of Chicago winters?'
'Yeah, and that's where his wife was originally from as well.'
Susan and Carol finished their dinner and went to notify the desk where Carol was staying. The building was more of a shelter facility than a hotel. This confirmed Susan's suspicions that there was more to the situation then Carol had let on. However, she also knew better than to push Carol to talk before she was ready. Susan hung back as the woman at the desk explained options that were still available to Carol even though she wasn't staying at the facility.
They got back to Susan's place around 10:00 and Susan said, 'I just need to put a set of sheets on the guest bed.'
'Don't bother,' Carol said. 'I'd be perfectly fine on the couch.'
'You are not sleeping on the couch,' Susan said.
'Then let me at least make up the bed.'
'No,' Susan said firmly. 'You are my guest. Do you have pajamas or do you need to borrow a pair of mine?'
'I have some,' Carol said. Looking at the pajamas that she'd brought, Carol realised she couldn't wear them, at least not just yet. They had short sleeves and she knew she had some explaining to do first. As she looked around in her bag she said, 'And I also have some tea bags. Would you like me to make some tea?'
'I'd like that,' Susan said.
A few minutes later, Susan went into the kitchen where Carol was. 'I have some cookies and probably some pie if you're still hungry?'
'I'm fine. I didn't know how you'd like your tea so I left it.'
'That's fine' Susan said, getting some sugar. They sat in awkward silence for a few minutes before Susan said, 'I know better than to push you to talk when you're not ready, but I won't say I'm not concerned.'
'Everything's fine,' Carol said, intently studying her tea as she stirred it.
Susan knew better, both from Carol's body language throughout the night and also from her comment about the wedding rings. She knew something was wrong but was afraid to push Carol too hard. She reached for Carol's hand and said, 'So Tag just doesn't have any vacation time?' in a such way that Carol knew she knew better.
Carol was quiet for a few moments, still staring at her tea, but not letting go of Susan's hand. 'The marriage is over, I left him,' she finally said, so softly it was barely more than a whisper.
'Do you want to talk about it?'
'I wouldn't know where to start,' Carol admitted. 'And part of me is afraid that if I start, we'll be up all night' she added softly.
'I'm here for you. I don't care what time it is. If you want to talk, I'll be awake.'
'Thank you,' Carol said, her voice shaking.
Remembering Carol's reaction to the earlier hug, Susan asked, 'Can I give you a hug?' Carol nodded, but still winced when Susan hugged her. 'I didn't mean to hurt you,' Susan said.
'You didn't.'
'I did,' Susan said, forcing Carol to meet her gaze. 'I can tell because you pulled back when I hugged you.'
'I didn't mean to,' Carol said quickly.
'I know that. What I don't know is why a hug hurt you.' They sat in silence for a minute that dragged on so long, it felt like an hour. Carol was looking down at her tea once again, trying to keep everything inside when Susan finally put it together. 'Was Tag hitting you?'
Carol just nodded, unable to speak, unable to look Susan in the eye.
Susan kicked herself mentally for missing the signs earlier. She'd seen so many battered women in the ER. She should have recognised the signals. She knew, also, that she hadn't been looking for, or expecting them, in Carol and that was partly why she hadn't seen them. She was shocked, as well. She'd worked with Tag for quite a few years at County and she never would have expected it from him. Despite all that was going through her mind, 'My God!' were the first words from her mouth. She didn't want to push Carol, but knew that it would be good for her to get the story out, to share it with someone. 'I'm so sorry,' she said, simply. 'I wish I'd known, I wish I could have done something.'
'Don't,' Carol said. 'After a moment or two she added, 'There was no way for you to know. I didn't tell anyone.'
'I know there's no way for me to understand the pain you're going through and I understand if you don't want to talk, but just know that I am listening if you do.'
'I needed that hug, no matter how much it hurt,' Carol said, trying to keep her composure. 'It showed me that you cared. I hadn't felt that in a long time.'
'How long?' she asked gently.
'He...It...It wasn't an easy few years,' Carol admitted.
'Has it been like this since you got married?'
'No, not that long. It just, it got worse over time. Started with emotional and I should have left but I didn't and...it just escalated,' Carol said, finally breaking down.
Susan wasn't sure what to do, and didn't want to hurt Carol so she just gently rubbed her back. After a few minutes she heard a soft, 'Thanks'
'You're welcome,' Susan said.
Carol wiped her eyes with the back of her hand before continuing with her story. 'The verbal abuse just escalated and escalated until.' She dropped her voice before saying, 'I was raped.' She looked up to gauge Susan's reaction and saw a look of absolute shock on her face.
She wanted to hide it, but she couldn't, she was floored. Carol had been through so much without any support, and now she was determined to give her the support she deserved. 'By Tag?' she probed.
'No, no. By a friend of his when they were drinking, but he blamed me,' Carol said, once again, starting to choke up. 'The physical abuse started after that.'
'Please tell me you pressed charges.'
'I have a restraining order against Tag'
'And against his friend?' Susan prompted.
Carol just shook her head. 'I know, I know. No lectures please.'
'I wouldn't do that,' Susan promised. 'That's the last thing you need now. What you need is a friend to listen and that's what I will do.'
'That's part of why I came back to Chicago. I knew I needed to go somewhere where I had a support base. I couldn't start over alone.'
'I'm glad you came back. Besides me, you know you will have a lot of support here.'
'I'm a little nervous about seeing everyone. I'm worried what people will think.'
'No one will think anything negative. We're your friends.'
'I hope you're right.'
'Well if you want to test it,' Susan started. 'Doug is coming here tomorrow for dinner. But, if you're not comfortable with that, I can ask him if we can eat at his place.'
'No, no.' Carol said. 'I don't want you turning your life upside down for me.' After a few moments' pause Carol continued, 'Are you and Doug seeing each other?'
"Oh no,' Susan said with a laugh. 'I could never date Doug but since neither he nor I are seeing anyone right now we have dinner every few weeks.'
'That's a nice idea. I'd like to see Doug, and everyone else eventually.' Jokingly Carol added, 'Do you know if County needs any nurses?'
'We always need more nurses.'
'Going to write me a letter of recommendation?' she said, only half joking. 'I need to get a job.'
'Well since I'm Chief of ER Medicine and Mark is Chief of Staff, I don't think you need a letter.'
'Are you serious?'
'Absolutely. I'll talk with the nursing director just to see what shifts but I know we have a shortage in the ER.'
'Would I know any of the current nurses?'
'Oh definitely. Haleh, and Lydia are still there.'
'It's been more than seven years but some things never change. How is Mark doing? He and I stayed in touch for a while but as with everyone else, we haven't been in contact recently. When did he become Chief of Staff?'
'Just about a year ago,' Susan said thinking back. 'You do know he's married, don't you?'
'Yes, and he wrote me about the birth of his daughter.'
'Right. Ella was about four months old when he was promoted, so September or October of last year.'
'And his wife works at County as well, doesn't she?'
'Yes, Elizabeth is the Chief of Surgery. You'd like her very much.'
'I feel bad. After being gone so long to just appear again.'
'Your friends will be very happy to see you,' Susan reassured Carol. 'And I want you to know I will help you with anything that you may need.'
'Thank you. I really appreciate your letting me stay here. Maybe we can split your rent?'
'I actually own the unit, so don't worry about it.' Sensing Carol's desire to contribute, Susan suggested, 'But you can help with groceries if you'd like.'
'OK,' Carol agreed.
They sat in silence for a few moments before Susan asked, 'Have you had your injuries looked at or treated?'
'No, it wasn't anything serious and I didn't want stories to get around at work. I just took care of it.'
'I'm concerned about the extent of the injuries now if a simple hug hurts.'
'It's a broken rib,' Carol admitted. 'I already know that.'
'Would you let me take a look?' All was quiet for a few moments before Susan added, 'It would make me feel better. In case there is anything serious.'
Carol finally agreed, and started to unbutton her shirt.
Susan breathed in sharply when she saw the state of Carol's back. 'That bad?' Carol asked, softly.
It wasn't just the new bruises and swelling that upset Susan, but rather the old bruises and scarring. She hated to see that anyone had been abused, but especially a close friend. 'How did you travel?' Susan asked, unable to imagine the pain when Carol leaned back.
'It wasn't easy,' Carol admitted. 'But I knew I was getting away so that made it a little more bearable.'
'I have icepacks in the freezer if you need to use them.'
'Thanks,'
Feeling Carol's ribs gently Susan asked, 'On which side is the broken rib?'
'Left,' Carol said, wincing slightly.
'I think you may have a broken rib on the right side as well.'
'It wouldn't surprise me, I landed on my back.'
'How did it happen?'
'I fell...He...He pushed me down the stairs. He..I, I didn't have dinner ready on time. I knew...I wanted to save more money but I just couldn't stay any longer. I...Never mind, it's stupid.'
'It's not stupid,'
'I was more afraid of what he would do if I left than of what he could do if I stayed.'
'That makes sense. Is that why you decided to get the restraining order?'
Carol nodded, 'It was just too dangerous. He was...is out of control. I'd rationalised it for too long but finally I just couldn't take it anymore.'
'What happened? Do you know why he's out of control?'
'He has a bad drinking problem, and he is a violent drunk.'
'I'm glad you left. And that you knew you could come back to Chicago and be welcomed. It takes courage to leave and I'm proud of you for having that courage.'
'Thank you.' Carol paused for a moment before adding. 'For a while I had a hard time deciphering between courage and being cowardly but then something just clicked and I withdrew some money from an account I had set up and went down to the court. And here I am.'
The next day both Susan and Carol slept in after having talked until the early hours of the morning. The majority of the day was spent talking, but on lighter topics, Generally the sort of catching up that one would expect to occur between friends who hadn't seen one another for some time. Towards the late afternoon, they shifted their discussion to the kitchen so they could begin to prepare dinner.
'So Doug gets spoiled by having you cook for him?' Carol asked with a smile as she prepared the salad.
'We take turns. He's actually turned into quite the cook. I think he learned that he couldn't live on take out and microwavable dinners.'
'He's always known how to cook, he just never wanted to.'
'Yeah, that sounds like Doug.'
'In some ways he has changed quite a bit since you were her but in others he is still the same Doug.'
'Yeah, I sensed that from some of his letters and stories that people would relate to me. I'm proud of him, I really am.'
'I am too.'
'When he called earlier did you tell him that I was here?'
'No, did you want me too? I can still call him on his cell.'
'Nahh, I'm looking forward to surprising him.'
'Are you nervous?
'Yeah,' Carol admitted. 'I know he'll be shocked, but I don't think there's any reason that he wouldn't want to see me.' Carol was more nervous than she'd let on, but mainly because she wasn't sure what to expect. Worst of all, she couldn't predict what her own reaction to seeing him would be. She hadn't been very comfortable around men since the rape, but this was Doug. She knew she could trust him, but wasn't sure if she'd have any control over her body's reaction.
'I agree,' Susan said, pausing to think of the more than a few occasions where Doug had asked if she'd heard from Carol. 'Do you want to answer the door?'
'I don't think I'm quite that brave. Plus that might be too much of a shock.'
'Fair enough. I'll answer it and then bring him in to say hello.'
'OK, that sounds like a plan.'
Around 6:30 the doorbell rang and Susan went to answer it. It was Doug, and he had a bottle of wine. Accepting the wine and Doug's standard, friendly kiss, Susan said, 'An old friend is in town so she'll be joining us for dinner. I didn't think you'd mind.'
'Of course not,' Doug said, taking off his jacket. 'Should I have brought a second bottle?'
'I have some if we need it.' Doug followed Susan into the den as she said, 'Come. I want you to say hello.'
As they walked into the den, Doug couldn't believe his eyes. 'Carol,' he said, shocked. It had been quite some time since he'd heard from her and he really had begun to wonder if he'd ever see her again. 'I didn't know you were coming to Chicago for a visit,' he added as he went to give her a hug.
He couldn't help but notice that she tensed up when he put his arms around her and he looked into her eyes for some clue. Her eyes, however, revealed little and she said simply, 'It was a bit of a last minute decision.'
'Well it's great to see you. It's been...'
'A long time, I know. I'm sorry.'
'Don't be,' Doug reassured her. He couldn't put his finger on it but he knew something was wrong. This wasn't the old Carol. Carol had grown a lot in the years that they had worked together at County but now it seemed as if she was a shell of her former self; lacking in confidence. 'It's hard to keep in touch in this crazy busy world. Tell me. What have you been up to? Where are you living?'
After a few more questions and answers, Susan could tell that Carol was getting overwhelmed so she said, 'Anyone getting hungry?'
'Definitely,' Doug said, and Susan looked to Carol.
'I'll be there in sec, I just want to wash up,' Carol said as she quickly left the room.
'Is she OK?' Doug asked, concerned.
'I honestly don't know,' Susan admitted.
'What can I do to help?'
'I'm not sure there is anything that either of us can do yet.'
'It's almost as if she's evading the questions, or trying to.'
'It's not your fault because you didn't know, but I just don't think she's ready for the questions.'
'Yeah, I got that impression, I never meant for her to feel as if I were interrogating her.'
'I know you didn't, you were just curious.'
'I asked because I care about her, because I was worried.'
'I am too,' Susan said.
A few minutes later, they heard footsteps and Carol came into the kitchen. It looked as if she'd washed her face and to Susan, it looked as if she'd been crying. 'Are you OK?' she mouthed.
Carol nodded slightly before asking, 'What can I do?'
'We're all ready, just need drinks.'
'Which I've got covered,' Doug said as he uncorked the wine he'd brought. 'Three?'
'I think I'm just going to have water,' Carol said, 'Sorry.'
'That's OK,' Doug said, filling the other two glasses. 'We can still have a toast.' And as they sat, he began that toast. 'To good friends.'
'Welcome back,' Susan added. 'Welcome home,'
'Thank you. Both of you'
'You're welcome,' Doug said. 'And I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable with my questions, I was just concerned.'
'I know, and I'm sorry for overreacting it's just,' Carol trailed off as she found herself unable to fight the tears that came to her eyes.
'You don't have to explain,' Doug said, reaching for Carol's hand.
'Thanks,' Carol said, wiping her eyes. 'I will, just, not tonight. It's all too much.'
'OK,' said Susan, refilling Carol's water glass. 'You know we'll always be here to listen.'
'I do, and I really appreciate it.'
After they ate, Doug and Carol offered to clean up. 'It's only fair, you did most of the cooking,' Carol said. 'You said you wanted to take a shower earlier and never got the chance. Now you do.'
'Are you sure?'
'Absolutely, and we'll get dessert ready while you shower.'
'Thank you.'
As Doug and Carol began to clean up, Carol said hesitantly, 'You have every right to say no after the way I acted tonight, but, I was wondering, do you want to get together sometime in the next few days? I want to talk to you, to explain things, but I'm just not up for it tonight.'
'I would never say no, you know that. And I would love to. I am off tomorrow, would that work?'
'Sure, I don't have anything set until Monday. How about in the afternoon since Susan will be at work?'
'Sure, I'll pick you up around 4?'
'I can take the El.'
'Why? When I have a car,' Doug said with a smile.
'I don't want you to have to go out of your way.'
'It's no trouble, plus I moved and I live about 5 minutes from here, seven with traffic, so it's very close. Is there anywhere special you want to go, or anything you want to do?'
'Just someplace that we can talk.'
'I think I know the place,' Doug said. 'And never feel that you have to tell me anything that you're not ready to.'
'I know,' Carol said, already looking forward to the next day. Tonight had been hard but she knew it would get easier.
-26 January 2003
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