This is Part 2 of You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This, please see Part 1 for the relevant background information. To refresh your memory, Carol returned to Chicago after a long time away, and caught up with both Susan and Doug. This piece starts the day after Part 1 ended, or 30 November 2002.
There is some discussion of non-consensual heterosexual sex, so if this offends you, feel free to skip this and I can mail you a summary.
As always, thanks go to Jo for being a loyal beta reader and my LJ ER Fic Filter for all your suggestions. Also, thanks to everyone for the information I needed. Characters, etc, not mine, no money. You know that. Gabriela is a former girlfriend of Doug's and Steven is, well, you'll see who he is.
E-Mail me with any questions or comments that you may have.
Before Susan left for work, she stuck her head in the guest room, where Carol was reading a book. 'I'm on my way out, I'll see you when I get home. I should be back by 10:30. Have a good afternoon with Doug.'
'Thanks, hope work isn't too crazy.'
'Me too.'
Doug hadn't given too many clues as to where they would be going so before he left the previous night, Carol had asked, 'What should I wear tomorrow?'
Doug had thought for a moment before answering, 'Just about anything is OK. If we end up where I think we will, it's fairly casual.'
So on that advice, Carol chose a pair of flat-front black pants with a light blue sweater. She wore her hair loose and only put on a dash of make up. It was an odd feeling as she hadn't been out with any other man, other than Tag, in nine years, and before Tag, it had been Doug. Even though she knew this wasn't a date, she still had the typical pre-date butterflies. She had been shocked when Doug said yes, she'd expected him to say no.
'No, that's not true,' she thought to herself. 'Doug wouldn't say no unless he already had other plans.'
She enjoyed the feelings, even if they were mixed. She was looking forward to an evening out with Doug even if just to catch up on lost time and hear about him being surprisingly without a girlfriend.
Just before 4, the doorbell rang and when Carol opened it, she was surprised to see that Doug had flowers. 'Thank you,' she said, admiring the beautiful bouquet of assorted fall flowers. 'You didn't have to.'
'I know,' Doug said, 'I wanted to.'
'They're beautiful. You don't happen to know where Susan keeps her vases, do you? I definitely want to put them in water.'
'I know she used to have one in the cabinet above the fridge,' Doug said as they walked toward the kitchen.
They quickly found a vase and Carol said, 'I'm going to put them in the guest room, I need something to add a little colour to the room.'
'Sure,' Doug nodded.
A minute or two later, Carol was back and she said, 'Let me just get my jacket and then I'll be ready.'
'Take your time,' Doug said, retrieving Carol's jacket as she got her purse. Carol lifted her hair out of the way as Doug helped her with her jacket and as she did so, Doug saw something he hated to see on any woman, especially Carol. He couldn't see the bruising to the extent that Susan had seen it, but he saw enough. He wanted to let Carol tell him things at her own pace, so for the moment, he chose to say nothing about it.
'So where are we going?' Carol asked.
'Just a small café that I really like for starters. We can decide if we want to go somewhere else after.'
The café was no more than ten minutes from Susan's house, and as they walked in, the man, who Carol presumed to be the owner, said 'Good afternoon, Dr. Ross.'
'Hi Mario. I'd like you to meet my friend Carol Hathaway.'
'It's my pleasure. Welcome.'
'Thank you, it's very nice to meet you.'
The café was nearly empty as it was, but Mario said, 'Your table is ready, as you asked.'
'Thank you,' Doug said, as they followed Mario to the back corner booth. It was around the corner from the main booths, useful for having conversations. Sometimes, they service was a bit slower if the servers forgot people were seated there, but this was fine. Doug never sat at this table if he was in a rush.
'Any drinks?' Mario asked.
'Just a coffee for me,' Doug said.
'Make that two, please,' Carol added.
'Certainly.'
When Mario came back with their coffee, he asked, 'Do you need a little more time?'
'I'm ready,' Carol said. When Doug indicated that he was as well, she continued. 'The soup and sandwich special, please.'
'We have two soups today, cream of broccoli and chicken noodle. Which would you prefer?'
'Broccoli,'
'And for you, Doctor?'
'I'll have my usual.'
After he left, Carol took a deep breath and said, 'I'm sorry about how I reacted to questions yesterday. They just took me by surprise. You can ask me whatever you want today.'
'I don't want you to feel uncomfortable, and I don't want you to have to talk about anything you don't want to.'
'It's OK. I, it sounds kind of selfish, but I need someone to talk to.'
'That's not selfish at all, and I'm happy to help you in any way I can.'
'Thanks. I'll assume you figured out that Tag and I split up?'
'Yeah, I noticed you weren't wearing rings, and since you're living at Susan's, I guessed you came without him.'
'Today is what, Saturday? I left him on Tuesday night. I walked out on him and the marriage, well, what was left of it. It hasn't been an easy few years,' she added, unable to meet Doug's glance.
'I know,' Doug said, reaching for her hand across the table.
'Know what?' Carol asked, puzzled.
'I saw the bruises.'
Carol looked down in shame, but Doug lifted her chin gently and said, 'It isn't your fault, you have nothing to be ashamed of.'
'I was stupid for staying with him. How many times would I see someone walk into the ER who had been abused but would not leave?' Carol teared up a bit and frustrated, wiped them away.
'It's not that simple,' Doug said, reaching for Carol's hand. 'When you're personally involved, it's not as easy to sort out right from wrong. It's not easy to follow your own advice, even if you know it's what you should do.'
Carol nodded slightly, and Doug could see the tears glistening in her eyes. 'I was afraid,' she said softly. 'I thought it would have been worse if I left than if I stayed'
'How could it have been worse?'
'I didn't have any place to go, and I couldn't handle facing a shelter. We were living in a small town where everyone knows each other.'
Doug nodded in sympathetic encouragement and asked, 'How did you get the courage to leave?'
'He came home early on Tuesday, very drunk, and it was worse than ever. That fight was what caused most of the bruising that you saw. I just decided I couldn't put myself through this anymore. He passed out and I took what I could carry and left. I got an order of protection, but decided to get out of town to be safer.'
'That was a very smart idea. Do you worry that he'll come after you?'
'I don't know,' Carol said honestly. ' I don't know what he's capable of anymore. To be safe I have the order of protection here as well. I'm not sure he'd think I'd come back here though.'
'Promise me something?'
Carol just nodded.
'If you hear any thing, if there is any sign of him here. Please let me know. I want to make sure you're safe.'
'I will, thank you.'
'I feel bad, I missed the signs when you visited.'
'He hadn't started... hadn't started hitting yet. Then, when it all started, when it happened more, we travelled less and less.'
Doug nodded sadly, 'You know that if I ever got my hands on him, both his hands would be broken.'
'I don't doubt that in the slightest. There were times I would have done it myself if I'd had the physical strength.'
At that moment, Mario came back with their meals. 'Do you need anything else?'
'No, thank you.'
'Enjoy your meal.'
As he walked away, they started to eat. Doug asked Carol, 'How is the soup?'
'Delicious, how are your ribs?'
'As good as always. Did you want to try one?'
'I can't'
Doug looked baffled, 'An allergy?'
Carol slowly opened her mouth to what could be called a smile if there were any emotion behind it. This showed several missing teeth on the bottom and one on top, towards the side. 'I don't think I could bite it,' she explained.
'He punched you?!'
Carol nodded sadly, biting her lower lip to keep the tears temporarily at bay.
'The son of a bitch!'
If Doug had been angry before, it didn't compare to how he felt now. He could never have been called a saint, but he would never hit a woman. It infuriated him to think of Carol standing there and Tag taking a swing at her. When he looked back over at Carol, he saw a tear trickling down her cheek. 'I'm sorry,' she whispered.
Doug knew she had been jumpy when he hugged her the previous night, and he didn't want to upset her anymore, but he couldn't resist reaching over and hugging her.
She tensed up almost immediately. Doug knew something was wrong and looked in her eyes. 'I still have some explaining to do,' Carol said, by way of clarification. 'But it's not you, I swear.'
'I believe you,' Doug said. 'I don't want to upset you more.'
'We'll talk, just, not here. I'll get too emotional.'
'OK,' Doug said, moving back around to his side of the table. When he wasn't using his hand to eat, he held Carol's across the table. He didn't want to hurt her, but also didn't want her to feel needlessly alone, and she seemed OK with handholding.
'Thank you,' Carol said, after a few moments. 'I came back out of nowhere and both you and Susan have gone out of your way to help me. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.'
'You don't have to thank me,' Doug said. 'You know that I'm always here for you. I may not have shown that in the past, but I swear to do everything I can to make up for that.'
'You don't have to make up for anything,' Carol said. 'I know you've changed. I saw it in your letters and from stories that people told me. What's past is past. We both made mistakes and we can't change that. And anyway, you're still one of my closest friends, no matter what happened then. And right now good friends is what I need.'
Doug nodded and said, 'Thank you.'
As they finished eating, Doug said, 'Did you want to go back to my place to talk or have you had enough talking for today?'
'No, no. I want to talk, and if you don't have any plans, it would be great before I lose my nerve.'
'I don't have plans at all this weekend.'
'What, Doug Ross with no dates?' Carol asked in mock horror. She was surprised that she was able to smile, despite all that had been going on.
'I'm through playing the dating game. I'm too old for that,' Doug laughed, as they walked out to the car. 'What am I supposed to do? Go hang out at clubs? Nahh, that's for people in their 20s. If I meet someone, great, but I'm not going to hunt someone out.'
'I can't imagine dating again,' Carol said. 'I don't think I'd know what to do either.'
'So you, Susan, and I can be County's Lonely Hearts Club.'
'Sounds like a plan,' Carol laughed. 'If I get hired at County, that is.'
'I doubt you'll have any trouble. Susan told you that Mark is Chief of Staff, didn't she?'
'Yeah, but she said she needs to talk to the head of nursing first. She doesn't think there will be any trouble either, especially since they need nurses, but I'm still nervous.'
'I don't blame you. And speaking of Mark, does he know you're back yet?'
'No. The only people I've seen are you and Susan. I'm not ready to see everyone yet, it would be a little overwhelming. I suppose I'll have to call him before an interview is set up though.'
'Or you could just give him the surprise of his life,' Doug said mischievously. 'When you set up the appointment, just give the secretary your first name and then see the look on his face when you go for the interview.'
'I could go for that, as long as no one lets it slip first.'
'My lips are sealed, and I'm sure Susan's would be as well as she is always looking to pull one over on Mark. I think he got her good last time so he has one coming to him.'
'And the look on his face should be amusing. I didn't really get to see any look on Susan's face as I left a message on her voice mail to let her know I was back. I wish I'd had a camera when you walked in last night. Did you know someone else was going to be there at all?'
'Not at all. When I arrived, Susan said an old friend had come to visit and then added that she wanted me to say hi. That was it and we walked into the den. I was expecting it to be a stranger.'
'I didn't want her to tell you it was me. I was nervous, but I wanted to surprise you.'
'I'm glad you did, it was a great surprise. I'd honestly begun to worry if I'd ever see you again. I missed you,' Doug admitted.
'I missed you too. All of you. That's part of why, when I decided to leave, I chose to come back to Chicago. I knew I had people I could go to. I couldn't face starting alone in a new place. Even here, answering questions about where Tag is and why I'm back will be easier than explaining why at almost 40, I'm there, alone, and out of nowhere.'
'Makes sense.' Doug said. 'Is your mom still here in Chicago?'
'No, she moved to a retirement community in Florida a few years back. She'd had enough of the Chicago winters and once she realised there wouldn't be grandchildren to fill the house, she decided to sell it.'
'That makes sense, it was a big house,' Doug said as he opened the door to his townhouse. 'Welcome to my humble abode.'
'It's very nice,' Carol said, looking around. As she walked into the living room she saw a framed picture of a boy in his early teens on the mantel. After looking closely at the photo, she turned to Doug and asked, 'Is that your son?'
'Yep,' Doug said. 'You're not the only one with news. I got in contact with his mother about four years ago.'
'The last you'd mentioned it to me, you were thinking about making contact but I didn't realise you had.'
'I didn't tell anyone when I made the decision because I was too afraid of rejection. And then I wanted to tell you after he contacted me, but that wasn't something to go in a letter so I kept waiting to tell you in person.'
'I understand. Do you ever get to see him?'
'Quite a bit. They live about an hour from here so I'll go there or he'll come here a few times a month. We don't have any strict visitation plans so just go with what he wants and our schedules.'
'I'm very happy for you, and proud of you. Was it easy to find him?'
'I hired someone to track them down and then sent a letter with my address, e-mail and phone number. I wrote the main letter to Gabriela and enclosed a letter to Steven. That way if she chose to tell him, he'd have his own letter from me. He called me about a week after I'd sent the letter. I was so surprised to hear from him because I wasn't sure if Gabriela would let him contact me, or if he'd want to.'
'Well I'm very glad things worked out the way they did. Fathers and sons need one another.'
'As I got older, I realised that more than I did when I was younger. I was no saint and thought he'd be better off without the negative role model I'd be, but then I decided that I'd let him make the choice. It hasn't always been smooth sailing but we can't change the past, so we just tried to start fresh.'
'That's the best idea in these situations. Start with what you can do, not what you can't change.'
'And just be happy for the chance,' Doug added. 'Just like I'm happy for this chance to reconnect.'
'As am I.'
'Do you want anything to drink? Coffee, tea, milkshake?'
'A milkshake sounds good right about now. I'm still a little hungry and that will fill me up.'
'I have food if you want something else to eat.'
'A milkshake will be fine.'
'Still prefer chocolate?'
'A lot of things may have changed in the last eight years, but that is not one of them.'
'We need some constants,' Doug added as he put everything in the blender.
'While you do that, can you point me to your bathroom?'
'Oh sure, it's down the hall on the left. And I promise, it's clean enough that you don't have to wear shower shoes.'
'You sure about that?'
'I promise,' Doug laughed.
When Carol came back a few moments later, she said, 'I am impressed.'
'I told you,' Doug called from the living room. 'I may be a bachelor, but this place definitely doesn't look like it.'
'It's cleaner than my house ever was, or ever will be,' Carol said as she sat beside Doug on the couch.
'Well to be fair, I can't take all the credit,' Doug admitted. 'The cleaning lady did come yesterday.'
'I knew it. No male is ever this neat. It's genetically impossible.'
'Probably,' Doug admitted. 'Since we didn't toast earlier, let's toast now,' he added, raising his plastic cup. 'To new beginnings.'
'To new beginnings,' Carol agreed, as their glasses clicked.
About half an hour later, Carol was fighting back tears as she started to recount the story of the rape to Doug. She hadn't necessarily wanted to tell him because she knew he'd be angry, but at the same time, she knew she owed it to him to tell him the whole truth. Doug was furious, of course, but he tried to hold back his anger for Carol's sake. She needed support, not to deal with him flying off the handle. His instinct had been to put his arms around her, but knowing that was hard for her to handle, he offered his hand, and she took it.
'How long ago did this happen?' Doug asked.
'Almost two and a half years ago. I know, I should be over it now, but I'm not.'
'There is never a time where you should feel anything or not. And since you didn't have much support, it's going to be harder.'
'I didn't have any support. Tag blamed me for it and there wasn't really anyone I could go to because a lot of my friends were Tag's friends as well, from work.'
'He blamed you for it?' Doug asked, surprised beyond belief.
Carol nodded sadly, 'He said I must have seduced Karl. That was his friend's name, Karl.'
'Didn't he hear the truth when you pressed charges?'
'I couldn't' Carol said, looking down at the floor. 'He wouldn't let me. He said he'd make me pay for the rest of my life if I damaged his friend's career.'
Doug gently lifted her chin and tried to get her to meet his gaze. 'Look at me,' he said, finally. Carol finally did, and Doug said, 'You cannot blame yourself. This was not your fault.'
'My head knows that, but I still feel guilty. That was the final straw in our marriage and I can't help but blame myself for the ending of our marriage, even before I walked out on him.'
'It was Tag's fault, or Karl's. Not yours, not at all,' Doug gently reminded her. 'Please tell me you were checked out after?'
'I was,' Carol said. 'I couldn't face telling anyone that I had been raped, especially not anyone at work so I scheduled an appointment with a new gynecologist, someone with no connection to the hospital. I said that I wanted to be tested for STDs as I'd found out my husband had cheated on me and she gave me a pregnancy test. It all came back negative.'
'I'm glad for that at least. But didn't your doctor see the bruises when she did the exam?'
'The physical abuse didn't start until after the rape. And I haven't seen a doctor since then, well, other than Susan checking me out the other night.'
'Was there a connection between the rape and the abuse?' Doug asked, gently. After a few minutes of silence with Carol not looking up from the floor, Doug continued, 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to push you.'
'It's OK,' Carol said, looking up enough for Doug to see the tears making their way down her cheeks. 'This is just the first time I've really talked about it in depth, and it's hard. I mean, I went to counselling, but that was different.'
'I can't imagine how hard it must be,' Doug said, using his other hand to gently wipe some of the tears from Carol's face. 'Take your time, and we can stop any time.'
'I want to tell you, I need to. Just so you can understand why I sometimes react the way I do.'
'And I want to help you by listening. I know I wasn't there to help when it happened, but I want to be there for you now.'
'Thank you, it means a lot.' A few moments later, Carol continued her story. 'Tag started to hit me because after the rape, I just couldn't be with him. Even though it wasn't 'stranger rape' which is what usually causes that fear, I was still afraid. And that infuriated him. He viewed me as his property and believed he had the 'right' to have what he wanted when he wanted it and when I refused to sleep with him or anything he just started to hit me.'
'Like that would make you want to be with him more,' Doug commented.
'Even when it's someone you have no reason to fear,' Carol commented sadly. 'I know you'd never hurt me, but I'm still jumpy and I can't explain or even control it.'
'It's natural, and I promise you, I don't take it personally,' Doug said, holding Carol's hand between both of his. 'I don't want to make you feel more uncomfortable so I won't give you a hug or anything. But if you want one, just tell me.'
'OK,' Carol said, taking a deep breath. The still painful broken ribs caused her to flinch, and Doug showed his concern. Realising that he was being courteous and not asking, Carol offered an explanation. 'I have two broken ribs so deep breathing is painful.'
Fuming at the thought of Tag hitting Carol that hard, Doug was speechless for a few moments.
She continued a little bit later. 'I had been so worried about telling you, I feel so much better now that I finally told you.'
'Why were you worried about telling me?'
'I didn't know how you'd react, and I wasn't sure if you'd think less of me. I mean, I know deep down that it wouldn't change anything, but there is always that fear. Do you know what I mean?'
He nodded sympathetically. 'I think it's amazing that you've been through so much without help. I can't believe you've handled it all so well.'
'I'm really not that brave, although it may seem that way on the outside.'
'You are, despite what you may believe. You had the courage to leave and come back to where you knew you were safe. That takes a lot of courage.'
'Thank you,' Carol said.
-4 February 2003
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