Thinking

Disclaimer: Lost the pocket lint so I'm back to owning nothing.

Summary: Not a lot of action, lots of thinking. Sometimes thinking hurts the worst.

Reviews: Yes PLEASE. I've seen the numbers, I know you're reading please tell me what you think. Good or bad. Reviewers ROCK!

A/N: I know the last chapter wasn't the best but come on, only one review? Thank you sibling creature! I feel really unloved right now. This chapter doesn't have a lot of action. Have to set up for stuff that is coming up in future chapters. I thought Spike was doing better, guess I was wrong.

I had a revelation the other day, I realized that this is my little universe and I could do anything I wanted and didn't have to follow the series story line so where we go from here is anyone's guess. I promise things will heat up soon. Willow has issues that have to be dealt with and someone surprising will help Spike deal with his problems. Please keep reading and I'll try to make it worth the time.

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Once more Angel was left looking in frustration at the spot where his Childe had disappeared. "I have got to have that chain made into a necklace for him." He fumed.

Gunn and Xander looked at each other and just kind of melted away to let the slayer and the master vampire have some privacy. Xander led the way back to Buffy's house to let the others know that everything was okay and that Spike was fine.

Angel looked at Buffy. "Was he right? Did you wish it was me every time you and he were...?" He asked.

She found the ground very interesting. "Maybe, at first. But then it was about us. Just me and Spike."

Angel was astonished. "But why Spike? I mean its... SPIKE! Couldn't it have been anyone else?"

"No one else understood. No one else just let me be me. I couldn't go back to being the me I was before I died. They pulled me out of Heaven! And they expected me to be all okay with that. Spike didn't expect anything, he was just there for me whenever and however I needed. And I misused that. I hurt him. At the time I didn't believe he had feelings. I thought he was evil and soulless and couldn't love. But I was wrong. I began to have feelings for him. I don't know if it's love or what. I just know that when he left, I missed him. More than I thought possible. But I tried to convince myself I was okay with him being gone. But I wasn't and I can't even tell him." She finished sadly.

Angel took her in his arms. Mentally, he followed the link he'd opened as soon as he and Buffy had started talking. He could feel Spike sitting alone in his crypt trying to come to terms with what he'd heard. He'd tried to close the link, but one of the benefits of being the Sire was you could keep the link open regardless of the Childe's wishes. 'Will, are you okay?' Angel sent.

'Sod off.' Was the choked reply. This time Angel let him close the link.

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Wesley and Giles escorted the ladies to Buffy's house finding a distraught Tara in residence.

"Oh my God! Where have you been? I've been so worried! I was almost ready to try a locator spell. Giles! When did you come back from England? WHAT is going on?" Tara displayed an almost Willow-like babble.

Willow went over to comfort the blonde witch, gratified when her overture was not rejected. She, Giles and Dawn filled Tara in on the events of the past few days. Glossing over Buffy's apparent abuse of Spike, describing his breakdown and going into almost comic detail of Angel's foray into Angelus' persona. They ended their story with abject apologies for not calling her when they got to the Bronz. Tara accepted their apologies but seemed to be a little hurt that they had forgotten about her. She understood why she hadn't been taken with the others. As Cordy explained, the core Scooby gang was the target and if she had been with Willow at the time she would have been kidnapped as well. Tara was impressed with the lengths they had been willing to go to snap Spike out of his withdrawal.

Taking a seat on the sofa, Fred hung back and let the others tell the story. Lost in her thoughts, she was just a little overwhelmed by the sheer number of people. She hadn't been around so many people since before she'd fallen through the portal into Pylea. She was a bit bemused by all the fuss over the handsome vampire. She'd had the most fun helping with the whole kidnapping adventure. She had never suspected there were people like this in the world when she'd left Texas. Her years spent in Pylea were beginning to feel like an extremely long nightmare. She smiled to herself when she remembered the secret he'd trusted her with. Her respect for him grew even more when she realized that he had no soul to keep him from hurting people, he refrained by choice. Fred was beginning to realize how special Spike was and why these people were so willing to go to such great lengths to get him back. If she wasn't careful, she could really like the charming blond. Her musing was interrupted when she realized someone was speaking to her.

"Fred, this is Tara." Willow introduced the two.

"Hi, Tara." Fred said shyly.

"Hi, Fred." Tara replied just as shyly.

Fred noticed that at some point Wesley and the other, older man had gone into the dining room and were huddled over some old books. Cordelia and Dawn were sitting together chatting. Willow was sitting across from the sofa where Tara had just sat down.

"So." Fred began. "Do they always go to such lengths for someone? I mean I've seen Angel and the others do some amazing things for people but I never realized there was more just like them anywhere. Are they like this all the time?" She looked over at Tara as she spoke.

"Yeah, pretty much. They'll do a lot for someone they care about. Spike is pretty special. He helped me once by punching me in the nose." Tara smiled at the memory.

"He punched you? And that was helping?" Fred was astonished.

Tara giggled. "My family had brought me up to believe that I was a demon. Spike's chip hurts him if he hurts a human but not if he hurts a demon. He punched me in the nose, got a migraine from the chip and proved to my family that I wasn't a demon. That's not the only thing that he's done. He took care of Dawn while Buffy was gone. He got a job and pretty much supported all of us. So, yeah, we'll do a lot for Spike. He's one of a kind."

Fred nodded. "I thought Angel was one of a kind but Spike seems..."

Tara cut her off. "Never let either of them hear you comparing them." She looked solemnly at Fred, her big smoky blue eyes sparkling. "They're nothing alike." She finished. Then, "To hear THEM tell it." She added.

The brunette Texan giggled. "My word of honor, I will never compare them."

They looked up as Xander and Gunn entered the house. They were laughing. They had discovered that they had quite a bit in common on the walk back.

Dawn leaped up and attacked Xander. "Where's Spike? Is he okay?"

Xander fended off the teenage whirlwind. "He's fine. We got there in time to dust over a dozen vamps. He and Angel had a little tiff and he went back to his crypt. I'm sure he'll contact you. If not tonight then tomorrow."

Gunn nodded. "Yeah, I'd say that Bleach Boy has some serious issues to work out with Angel. Lotta hostility going on there."

Dawn smacked Xander on the arm. "Ow! What was that for?" He yelped.

"Teaching Gunn your dumb nicknames for Spike. That's what." She hit him again for good measure.

Giles and Wesley came in to see what all the noise was about. Xander told them about the vamp nest and the revelations they had witnessed.

"Spike was really letting Angel have it. Got a major case of inferiority happening in that peroxide head of his." Gunn observed.

"Oh dear." Giles murmured.

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Buffy and Angel walked slowly back to her house knowing that Xander and Gunn had arrived first and had told the rest what had happened in the cemetery. They arrived just as the rest of the group was deciding where they were going to spend the night. Angel and his crew had checked into a motel as the mansion was more Angelus's and they were reluctant to spend too much time there.

After everyone had gone to their respective accommodations, Buffy sat alone in her room thinking about everything she'd seen and said that day. She was amazed that Spike; evil, bloodsucking fiend Spike, was a wizard. He could perform magic. Why hadn't he told her? Granted she never was too interested in conversation during their little trysts. But still, he could have said something. She couldn't believe how much she'd told Angel. She hadn't lied when she told him that she had feelings for Spike. She was sorry she'd hurt
Angel's feelings but things had changed, she'd changed. But exactly what her feelings for Spike were, she didn't know. She'd thought she'd been in love before but it had never worked out. Did she love Spike? That was the big question.

When had everyone gotten so loyal to Spike anyway? The lengths they had gone through to get him back from his catatonia surprised Buffy. Even Xander had switched sides, so to speak. To be mentally connected to his worst enemy was something she'd never imagined Xander doing. But he seemed to be not only accepting of it but rather proud that Spike had chosen him to connect with. Dawnie was also connected to the bleached wonder. But her connection seemed to be a two-way thing. When had they gotten so close? Was Giles right? Had they only had each other for support while she was gone?

Lying down on her bed, she hugged Mr. Grodo to her chest and wished she knew what to do. Since she'd come back nothing was the same. Dawn preferred to be with a vampire than her own sister, Willow was seriously addicted to magic, Xander had walked out on his own wedding and Spike was not only part of the family but had more magic in his little finger than Willow had in her whole body. And Angel. What was up with him being all protective Sire towards Spike? He'd gone all but fatherly on Spike after the vamp nest was dust. Come to think of it, on the walk home he hadn't really seemed so much hurt as worried about... there it was again... Spike. So much had changed in the last year. But, she admitted to herself, she wasn't exactly the same either. She really needed to work on her relationships. So many things needed to be mended.

Looking back on her... relationship, for want of a better word, she realized that if someone had treated her the way she'd treated Spike, they would have been toast. It had been a seriously destructive path for them both. She hadn't lied when she'd said what they had was killing her. The guilt that plagued her over the way she was treating him had been killing her. She just hadn't foreseen how he would react to her ending their affair. He'd said she destroyed him. Could that be true? Questions without answers swirled around in her head making sleep all but impossible. So she lay there thinking. It was several more hours before she slept.

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Angel found himself sleepless, not surprising for a creature of the night but it had been a very long day. The stress he'd been under should have put him out like a light but his mind refused to shut off. Buffy had had an affair with Spike, his stubborn, willful, abrasive, annoying Childe.

His thoughts turned once more to how Spike had looked earlier. He had been so still, his eyes open and staring. Those bright sapphire eyes that were so expressive had been blank and dull. It had spooked Angel more than he cared to admit. In the more than one hundred years since he'd turned Will, Angel had never seen the younger vampire when he wasn't in constant motion. He'd always wanted to be doing things, constantly moving, planning and talking. For him to just shut down like he had was chilling.

What if his desperate plan hadn't worked? Angel had known the only thing to bring Spike back had been to punch through the wall of silence and make him believe Dawn and the others had been in danger. Angelus had been the only option. Angel knew that Angelus was forever just below the surface and it had been terrifyingly easy for him to come out and play. But Angel also knew that Angelus was the one threat that would have reached Spike.

Now what to do? Angel had never known how Spike felt about his leaving. Darla had kicked him out but Angel never told anyone that so the others thought he'd just abandoned them. He should have known. Spike hadn't been much more than a fledge at the time, even though he'd already killed a slayer. He'd been so full of bravado that Angel forgot how young he actually was. He must have been terrified, faced with the responsibility of caring for Dru. But now the truth had come out. Spike still felt betrayed by Angel's departure. He still felt inferior to his Sire. Spike hadn't been inferior to anyone in over a century. He was an everlasting source of annoyance, amusement and frustration for the elder vampire. But inferior? No way. He regretted abandoning his childr as he had. He hadn't realized the devastating impact his departure had made on his sensitive, impressionable younger Childe. He hadn't known how much Dru's devotion to him had pained Will.

Now Spike loved Buffy. Angel could see it in those dark blue eyes. The pain, the love, the despair in knowing his love was unrequited. Seeing his Childe in that much pain again had almost killed Angel. It reminded him of the days following Buffy's death. That had been the hardest time Angel could ever remember suffering through. How much emotional turmoil could an unsouled vampire survive? He mentally listed the events leading up to Spike's breakdown.

Drusilla leaving Spike for another demon, both times.

The chip the Initiative installed in Spike's brain.

Having to rely on the Scoobies for survival.

Being tortured by Glory.

Getting thrown from that tower trying to protect Dawn.

Watching Buffy die.

Having to work and care for a teenager, assuming a parental role.

The return of his magic.

Seeing Buffy alive again.

Getting kicked out of the Summers house after having been the head of the household for so many months.

Buffy using him to feel again.

The beatings she had subjected him to.

The breakup.

Facing it all.

One blow right after another. No chance to recover from one before another battered him. All of it within just a couple of years. No wonder he'd shut down. That he'd come back at all was beginning to seem amazing. It's a miracle he hadn't gone for a sunlit walk. Now all Angel had to do was figure out how to make things right for his Childe.

His internal clock was telling him that it was almost dawn. His body suddenly felt as if he'd been up for days. Which, he thought, wasn't far from the truth. Setting the guilt aside, he focused on helping Will get through this latest trial. He fell into a deep dreamless sleep still without an answer to his problem.

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Spike spent the better part of the night breaking things and restoring them so he could break them again. He paced, he cursed, he drank but still he couldn't process what Angel had forced him to listen to. Damned Slayer. How can you not know if you love someone? You either love them or you don't. It should be simple, shouldn't it? He growled and sent his television crashing against the wall for the sixth, or was it seventh, time. Damn, with a wave of his hand he restored it so he wouldn't have to miss Passions.

He laughed humorlessly. Why had they made him come back? There was no pain in the nowhere he'd been. He didn't have to think or feel. Both of which were now slowly driving him around the bend. At this rate he'd be bug-shagging crazy in no time. He went over what she'd said. She hadn't wished it were Angel after the first time. She'd missed him after he left but couldn't tell him? Why the Bloody Hell not? She knew he loved her and that hearing her say she missed him would have sent him over the moon. Maybe that was it, she hadn't really, she was just putting on a good show for Sire. For Angel. It was always about bloody, broody Poof. Everyone wanted Angel. No one ever really wanted Spike. Except maybe Niblet. He had always been second choice, second best. The piss-poor substitute for the great Angelus. Dru's Daddy. Buffy's first love, her first shag for Hell's sake. He would have bet the rest of his immortal unlife that if Angel had been around when she'd come back from Heaven, he wouldn't have gotten so much as a 'Get lost Spike'.

Angel had been there for him after Buffy had died but then he'd opened the link and caught them in action. He had been positive that would have been the last he would see of Angel. Why had Peaches bothered to get him back? Wouldn't it have been easier for him to just let go? Why had any of them bothered? They didn't need him. They'd proven that over and over.

He created a bottle of Jack Daniels, staring at it for a moment before throwing it against the wall. It wouldn't help. So much had happened. He'd danced with Buffy. Holding her in his arms again had been both Heaven and Hell. He closed his eyes and relived that dance. He hadn't bought her apology, convinced she'd only done it because Peaches and the Watcher had told her to. She'd cried on his shirt. He could smell her tears. Why had she done that? Then again, why does she do anything? He seriously doubted anyone could ever figure out her motives for doing any thing at any given time.

He went to the trap door and dropped down to the lower level. He sat on the edge of his bed. The bed they'd seldom made it to when they were together. The pain caught up to him again. He retreated to the back edge of the bed, scrambling backward as if trying to escape, grabbing a pillow on the way. He bumped up against the wall and sat there with the pillow clasped to his chest. He slumped there like a discarded rag doll, limp and broken, bent over the pillow trying to ignore the constant ache that had taken over where his heart used to be. He would have retreated back into himself but he'd promised Dawn he wouldn't. So he sat there unable to sleep, not wanting to think, unwilling to cope any more, wishing they'd left him alone. Wishing Rupert had just staked him and gotten it over with.