Damaged
Disclaimer: Own nothing.
Reviews: Yes, please. Let me know what you think. I love reviews. Love reviewers. Muse rocks with reviews. Thanks for all the great suggestions. (evil smile) Maybe some of them will get used.
A/N: The only excuse I have for this chapter is that I saw 'Lessons' and 'Beneath You' the other day. I'd only seen them once before and hadn't realized how unbelievably great James was in them. OMG he does insane well. Everything that happens in this chapter has a reason; each reason will become clear in time. Read and enjoy.
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The following morning, late morning that is, found Spike still up against the wall. Still slumped over hugging the pillow. He had finally gone to sleep but it had been a restless slumber, plagued with dreams. None of which he would remember later. He stretched out on the bed still pressed up against the wall, as if making sure no one could sneak up on him. That in itself would not have been possible as he'd placed a protection charm on the entrance preventing anyone from entering. He clasped the pillow tighter as if holding it would keep him from flying apart. The last thing he wanted to do was get up and see anyone so he stayed in bed. He snuggled under his red and black satin comforter and returned to sleep.
He woke up again just as evening was falling, only to roll over and go right back to sleep. The only thing he was interested in was staying right where he was. Back in the farthest corner of his mind, he realized that staying in bed was not a really great idea but it was the only thing he wanted to do.
He was unaware of the uproar his absence was causing. Since no one could enter his crypt, he never heard any of their calls. Angel and Dawn attempted to talk to him via their links but he stubbornly refused to respond, closing Dawn's link as soon as she opened it and employing incredible amounts of willpower to ignore Angel keeping the link open as he had during his conversation with Buffy. Eventually they gave up contacting him. When the links both closed he rolled over again and settled deeper into sleep.
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It was a subdued group that converged on Buffy's house later that night. The day had passed uneventfully with Dawn and Willow both attending their normal classes and the AI team making plans to return to LA. Buffy returned from an equally uneventful patrol with Angel who'd been preoccupied with trying to contact Spike. Everyone was now gathered in Buffy's living room. Dawn was quiet and tearful from her failed attempts to connect with Spike. The topic of conversation was Spike's absence.
Willow and Tara had visited the crypt and informed the group that Spike had magically blocked anyone from entering his home.
"Now I know how vampires feel." Tara commented wryly. Willow nodded.
"Is there any way you can get through the block?" Wesley asked.
Both witches shook their heads. "No way at all, we tried. Tara tried every spell she knew. We called, knocked, threw rocks, anything to try to get his attention. No Spike." Willow told them.
Giles turned to the dark vampire. "Have you talked to him?" He asked very quietly.
Angel shook his head. "He's ignoring me. Every time I've opened the link he's been asleep. He's been that way all day."
"That's not like Spike. He doesn't sleep all day." Xander, who'd become well acquainted with Spike's erratic sleeping habits over a summer of working with him, walked up to Giles and Angel. "I would have thought he'd be here before now."
"I don't know if he'll show up again before I leave. I didn't know he still had so many problems with the way I left him and Dru." Angel mumbled. He jumped when his cell phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket looking at it in disbelief. It had been turned off and everyone who knew the number was right here in the house with him. A text message scrolled across the screen. 'Answer, Angelus.' He read. Flipping it open he obeyed the command.
His eyebrows shot up almost to his hairline when he heard the voice on the other end. He whirled around and walked into the other room, following the instructions of the unexpected caller. Leaving behind a roomful of curious people. Their attention was diverted by the cry of pain bursting from Cordelia's lips.
Wesley leapt to the seer's side and caught her before she could hit the floor. She gasped for breath as the vision faded. Wes gently placed her on the sofa and hovered, waiting until she was ready to tell them what she'd seen. Words started to pour forth as she tried to convey her vision.
"Armored car. Three men. One of them very strong but human, something odd." She gasped. "Here. Blood, Oh God so much blood. Spike. Don't. So much pain." Cordy leaned back against the cushions.
"What about Spike?" Buffy demanded. "What is he going to do?"
Cordy shook her head. "You have to go. Stop the three... the Trio? Go now before it's too late." The Scoobies looked at each other in dismay. So much had happened they'd all but forgotten about the Nerd Herd. Cordy gave Buffy the location and the Slayer left.
Wesley leaned close. "What about Spike?" He asked quietly.
Cordy sighed in frustration. "I don't know. All I could see was the blood. I could feel his pain. Oh my God, so much pain."
Wes frowned. "Does this have to do with the three men Buffy just went after?"
The Seer shook her head. "Not all. I don't know." She put her head back and closed her eyes.
Gunn came in from the kitchen with some aspirin and a glass of water, handing them to Wesley to give to Cordelia.
Angel stuck his head through the doorway. "Willow, Rupert, I need you both in here please."
The Watcher and the Witch glanced at each other in puzzlement before joining the master vampire in the other room.
Tara and Fred sat in the corner talking to Dawn about everything and nothing trying to distract the upset teen from her worry over Spike's absence.
Xander sat in the easy chair across from the sofa watching his ex-girlfriend and thinking about how much she'd changed since leaving Sunnydale. They had both moved on from their ill-fated romance. But she was just one more reminder of how unlucky he was in the love department. He shook off that line of thought and tried to concentrate on something that would be helpful. Cordy's vision scared him. He couldn't see Spike hurting anyone, especially with the chip. But the words 'Spike. Don't' and 'so much blood' all grouped together could not possibly be of the good. The continued silence from the peroxide blond was beginning to wear on the nerves of those who cared about him. Xander thought about the link Spike had opened and wondered if he could use it to contact the vampire. He closed his eyes and concentrated, trying to find the thread or whatever it was that connected him to Deadboy Jr. Xander allowed a small smile. He really should stop calling him those names. The main reason being that Dawn would stop hitting him. 'Okay, Xander, back to concentrating.' He thought. Unfortunately, Xander hit upon the wrong thread and opened the memories Spike had transferred to him. Random scenes flashed through his horrified mind; blood, bruises, pain. Desperately he slammed the door on the memories. Trying again, he succeeded in feeling Spike's presence. He could tell the vampire was in his bed attempting to go back to sleep.
'Spike.' Xander sent.
'Whelp.' Spike wearily replied. He rolled onto his back and draped a bare arm over his eyes. The other arm kept its death grip on the much-abused pillow. 'Leave me alone. This was supposed to be a one-way link. How did you open it?'
'Just lucky I guess.' Xander told him. 'You need to get to Buffy's. Everyone's worried about you.'
'Bollocks. No one needs me. No one wants me. The Poof is there. What possible reason would anyone have for wanting me around?' Spike answered dully. 'Go away. I just wanna sleep.'
'That, my friend, is called depression and you need to snap out of it. We all want you here. We need you. For what, I don't know yet, but I'm sure we'll find a good use for you.' Xander tried his usual method of using humor to help.
'Ha, bloody, ha.' Spike grumbled.
'Seriously, Spike. We need you. Come on over and let everyone know you're still among the unliving.'
'I'll think about it.' The vampire told him.
'But...' Xander began.
'I SAID I'D THINK ABOUT IT!' The roar echoed through Xander's mind.
'FINE!' Xander roared back and closed the link before Spike had a chance to. A reluctant smile crossed Spike's face. The Whelp was beginning to stand on his feet and not back down.
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Spike sat up and contemplated the pros and cons of getting up, dressed and going over to Buffy's. He heaved a deep unneeded sigh and located a clean t-shirt. Stuffing his feet into his boots, he made his way up to the main level. He debated eating but couldn't generate enough interest to do so. Opening the door, he found the rocks Tara and Willow had thrown trying to get his attention. Walking instead of transporting would allow more time to delay the inevitable, actually talking to someone. Unfortunately it also gave him more time to think. The farther he walked the more his mind spun until his thought processes were fried. The uppermost question on his mind was why was he going there? Why didn't he just stay in bed? There was no satisfactory answer so he kept walking.
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Buffy returned to report that she'd foiled the armor car robbery and captured two of the Nerd Herd. Warren had unfortunately escaped, using a jetpack of all things. Wesley asked about the strength Cordy had mentioned and she told him about the demon orbs and how Jonathan had warned her to smash them.
Angel came back from the other room closing his cell phone. Xander peered into the room and glared at the vampire. "Um. Excuse me, Deadboy. Where are Giles and Willow? We all heard you call them in here but only you came out."
Angel made himself comfortable on the sofa next to Cordelia and looked at everyone in turn. "The phone call was from the High Priestess of the coven Spike was in. She wanted Rupert and Willow to go there but she didn't say why. She teleported them a few minutes ago. They'll be back in a couple of days."
Tara objected. "They left without saying goodbye? They wouldn't do that."
Buffy held out her hand. "Let me have your phone. I want to talk to this High Priestess."
Angel put the phone in his pocket. "She knew you would have a problem but she said you have to wait. They will be back in a couple of days." He repeated as he looked around at his crew. "We need get you guys back to the motel. It's late."
Gunn walked toward the door. "Are we going home or staying another night?" He asked, pulling the door open. Spike stood on the porch finishing a cigarette.
Dawn saw him and raced out to greet him. She gave him a sound smack on the jaw and stood glaring at him. "Dumbass." She snarled. Then she jumped into his arms, nearly strangling him as she threw her arms around his neck. "Don't ever shut me out again." She whispered fiercely.
"Sorry, Bit." He murmured. She backed up so they could go into the house. They stood off to the side to allow Angel's group out so they could leave. Dawn hugged Cordy goodbye. Wes, Gunn and Fred trailed out onto the porch. Fred looked up at Spike as she passed, blushing when their eyes met. "Hey, Fred, how are you tonight?" He asked her.
He smiled at her but she noticed that the smile didn't reach his eyes. The dark blue gaze remained sad and bleak. She stared up into his eyes, entranced. Her heart broke at the misery she could see. She shook herself as she realized the others were staring at them. "I'm... um... doing okay, I guess." She finally answered.
Gunn came up behind the little brunette. "Are you ready?" He asked gruffly, glaring daggers at the blond vampire.
Fred tore her eyes away from Spike's face and looked up at Gunn. "Sure." She said simply.
Angel came out and followed Wesley out to the street. "I'm going to stay here for a while." He said when they got to the van. Wesley nodded as Angel gazed at Spike. Soon the AI team was on their way. Tara, Dawn and Buffy waved them off. Xander hovered near the door. Angel leaned against Spike's tree. Spike sat on the front steps with his elbows on his knees and his head bowed.
Buffy, Dawn and Tara climbed the steps up to the porch. Tara paused to rub a hand along Spike's shoulder as she went. He stiffened at her touch and glanced up at her. Like Fred, she was entranced by the sheer misery she could see in his eyes. He stood up suddenly knocking Tara's hand away.
Without meeting any one else's eyes, he moved down to the sidewalk. "Look, this was a bad idea. I'm just gonna go on home." His gaze landed on Xander. "I shouldn't have come here."
Xander shook his head. 'Stay.' He sent. The blond head shook slowly, denying the unspoken request. Spike's face hardened. Spinning, he confronted Angel who'd silently glided up behind him.
"Where do you think you're going?" The elder vampire growled. Blue eyes clashed with dark brown ones.
"Away from you." Spike snarled. "Why?"
"I want an explanation." It was a Sire's demand.
"I don't have to explain bugger all to you." Spike made to push past the larger vampire.
Angel shoved him back with almost enough force to throw him to the ground. Tara and Dawn watched the exchange with fear as Spike regained his balance. Xander and Buffy moved to the top of the steps ready to jump in if needed.
"You will explain why you ignored me all day, boy." Sire was now out in full force, demanding obedience from his Childe.
The street lamps highlighted the difference between the two, one so fair he almost glowed in the light the other so dark he seemed to absorb the night. The porch light acted as a spotlight, illuminating the confrontation.
"I said I don't have to explain anything, you ponce." Defiance waged war with the misery in Spike's sapphire gaze. "Let me go." The demand burst out almost against his will. Apparently forgetting he could transport at will, he moved to go around again. Angel blocked his way.
"I can't." Angel admitted.
"WHY NOT?" Spike shouted. "You did before. Left without looking back. I wasn't good enough so you left. Everyone leaves me. Not this time. This time I get to leave. So get out of my way." He punctuated each sentence with a punch to Angel. The older vampire stood there and let his distraught Childe take his frustration out on him.
"That's it, Will. Put it all on me." Angel invited him to continue swinging. Unfortunately it was the wrong thing to say. Spike froze.
"No." Spike moaned as he backed away. "That's what I said. And she hurt me. She hurt me and left me there. On the ground. Couldn't see. Couldn't move. Broken. Always hurt the ones you love, Pet." He put his hands up to the sides of his head, covering his ears with his palms. Hunching over as if in physical pain.
Xander slipped his arms around Buffy's waist as he felt her sag in shock. He knew exactly what Spike was talking about and he ached in sympathy. Guilt consumed him as he wished he'd never talked Spike into coming over.
Angel reached out to touch him. The blond straightened and recoiled, extending his hands defensively. "NO! Don't touch me. Can't do it anymore. Can't. Need to leave. Need to sleep. No pain. No thinking." He brought his hands down and gazed at his Sire. The misery and defiance had vanished from his eyes.
Angel was stunned to see insanity had taken up residence in the sapphire depths. He shook his head, refusing to believe what he saw. "No. Oh God, Spike. No." He choked.
"No? No what? No Spike? Not any more. Can't be Spike anymore. Can't be anything. Not needed. Not wanted. Not good enough. Have to go." Spike started to go around the larger vampire. Dawn's sobs could be heard in the night air. Tara clutched the teenager, trying to comfort her.
Spike looked up at the two girls standing on the porch, sadness written all over his face. "Pretty girl, so sad. Don't cry, Sweetling. He's not worth it."
Tara's tears combined with Dawn's. He spun around talking to himself. "Now look what you did. You made the other one cry. Are you satisfied?" He turned back to the girls. "Shhhh, no more tears." He reached a hand up toward them. Then looked at his extended hand in horror, pulling it back. "NO! Don't touch! Not good enough to touch. Get away. Out of sight."
He turned around again. This time facing the steps where Xander and Buffy stood. Spike retreated frantically, backing away from the steps into Angel's arms. "Love... Pain... hurts me. So beautiful. Vicious lover." He pressed a hand to his heart. "Evil soulless thing, can't love. No right to love, to want. Not good enough."
Angel looked at Buffy. She was leaning against Xander watching Spike's meltdown with unshed tears in her large green eyes. Spike noticed Angel's hands clasping his arms. He glared up over his shoulder into Angel's dark brown eyes.
"Sire?" Spike's voice shook.
"Yes, Will. It's me." Angel crooned wrapping his arms around the shaking slender form.
The platinum head shook in denial. "Not Will, not Spike, not anyone. Gone. Broken." He slid slowly to the ground taking his Sire with him. Angel sat there holding his damaged Childe to his chest fearing they wouldn't get him back this time.