Disclaimer:Title of the chapter from The Cure's Watching Me Fall. I don't own Gilmore Girls, but I kindly accept donations so someday I can own them. I promise that than we'll have more JJ action and more Jared, Milo and Scott shirtless. Sorry about this if you're a boy.
Notes:Since I forgot a couple of things last time I'm doing this right now. This story comes from the fact that I was rather annoyed I couldn't write, and now that I've written, I'm fairly happy. It was inspired by many things, especially multiple conversations about Luke and Lorelai's future (special thanks to the JJs at I love you crazy girls).
Special, with all my heart, thanks yous to all who read and reviewed. I'm really sorry for taking almost a month to post chapter 2. I just hope people remember this fic and still want to read it anyway, I promise to be better next time. nod
I am sorry for the lack of JJ interaction in this chapter, but it's all because I want to get the R/L, R/D stuff 'fixed' as soon as possible, so it won't be a problem later. I really wish I could take off the subheadings, but I'm keeping them because this fic is supposed to have a lot of flashbacks and the time/space notion might become too confusing. And yes, you can bet that there's more angst coming your way. Couldn't help that if I tried. :)
And again, this is all because of Ari, Sam and Kara, who are sweethearts. Thank you. You have no idea how much it all means to me.
On with it then.
Perfection Through Silence
Chapter One: And the night is never over, and this is gone
Dragging herself up both of the the steps into the diner, she follows hesitantly as Rory opens the glass door. The bells rings faintly and the diner slightly quiets, as some of the conversations pause while the people at the tables take a look at who just walked in. In a second the conversation ensues again, only this time the air is a little more conspiring than it was before.
Rory heads automatically for the counter, seeing that the diner is packed. Lorelai stays behind her, unmoving, as her eyes desperately scan the place for a table. The counter means more interaction with the person who serves the food, which in this case is exactly what she's trying her best to avoid.
She doesn't sit down, but walks towards the counter and presses her palm against it, fingers curled tightly. She takes one more look around and notices that Luke isn't there. He must be at the back, she thinks. Calmly, she watches as the blood leaves her hands from the force of the grip and as her knuckles turn pale white.
"I don't think you pay for sitting, you know."
"What? Oh," she hadn't even realized that she was still standing. When she's nervous, a funny numb feeling comes over her. Like she doesn't have the slightest control over her body, over her hands, over her eyes and much less of her brain. She hasn't got a very good Panic Control Central.
"You know, ever since I got back you've been really distracted," Rory tells her.
"I am? Oh, you know. Inn stuff is kicking my butt like a determined soccer player."
Making a funny face at her mom's way to express herself, Rory shakes her head, "Okay, Miss Nike Ball Butt."
But Lorelai's mind is already too far away to answer her daughter's teasing insult. Okay, rephrase that. It isn't away at all. In fact, it's very close... inside the diner really. In the diner's kitchen actually. She blinks twice and realizes where her mind is taking her thoughts. This isn't good. This is so the opposite of good.
It's weird but something is out of place. Yet, the tables are still the same (still no tablecloth), the apparently useless but actually emotionally-valued shelves are still there; the counter is still blue and white, the walls are still stupidly green. Everything is pretty much the same, she verifies. But something's wrong, she can feel it. Something doesn't belong. Taking a look around her, she sees it. How could she not have seen it before, when she made such a careful inspection from outside?
Must have been the fact that she was inspecting more his face and motions than his clothing.
But as he comes out from the kitchen, Lorelai narrows her eyes. She gasps and realizes that he's wearing a new flannel. But how? Doesn't he know that flannels aren't supposed to be new? There's no such a thing as a new flannel. In fact, when you buy a flannel it comes with strict instructions to wash at least three times and leave at least two months in your closet before your first usage. But did Luke follow the instructions? No he didn't. And now... it's too tight. Yes, too tight. And it doesn't even sound real because whoever heard of a flannel being too tight? But this one is. And you know what happens when a flannel is too tight? It allows you to see the person's muscles.
Yes. It does.
Lorelai has no idea how in hell can a flannel allow muscle defining, but this one, it does.
And to further prove that this is a flannel anomaly, it is yellow. Pale but yellow nonetheless. Flannels aren't supposed to be yellow. They're blue, red, earthy tones. Not yellow. It's The Rule of The World.
Lorelai narrows her eyes again. She can't help the exaggerated use of the word flannel. She just stares at it, uncomprehending. It just isn't possible.
She swallows painfully as she realizes what she's doing. It's not her fault really. Her mind apparently thinks she's Scarlett O'Hara, and she'd rather think that tomorrow is another day instead of dealing with things now. Or rather concentrate on the little side branches than on the actual tree. Whichever metaphor works best.
Her thoughts swirl and cloud her mind, almost blurring her vision as she notices he's right in front of them. Because she's holding her breath, the air doesn't seem to be getting to her head very much. She wills herself to concentrate on what is happening instead of her feelings, and so she watches as Rory smiles and Luke genuinely smiles back.
"Hey, Luke."
Suddenly, something seems to click in him. Lorelai is almost positive that he's about to slap his forehead, but he's Luke, and therefore he doesn't. Instead, he just shakes his head and says: "Ah, geez. I forgot you were coming back today. If I had remembered, I'd have made extra strong coffee and brownies."
Finding it strange that he suddenly is so eager to make coffee (and strong coffee), Rory doesn't really want to think about the fact that maybe Luke knows about the happenings between her and Dean so she just pushes it aside as niceness because of her absence.
"Oh, well, the intention counts. And while I'd have loved 'especially for me' stronger coffee, your normal coffee and pancakes will go down just fine too," Rory smiles nicely and Lorelai for a moment thinks she's about to wink at him, but she doesn't. If it were anyone else, Rory might have winked, but you don't wink at Luke.
Unless you're Lorelai and you're doing it just to see how many shades of red he'll turn. And to see how many ways he can come up with to reprehend you. But that's really not important.
It is important, however, that Rory and Luke have already turned their heads to her, expecting her to order something.
"Mom? Are you gonna order or not?"
Lorelai casts a quick look towards Luke and sees his eyes turn to his note pad before pulling herself together and turning to Rory, "Well, because the offering of stronger coffee has me momentarily stunned and brain washed, I haven't chosen yet."
"You could order a raspberry scone, and then, pretend you're not seeing me steal bits of it."
"Sounds like a plan." Even though she does see that Luke is already writing down her order, she says, "Well, bring me a raspberry scone!"
Luke, annoyed, turns to her. It's exactly what she wants, him to turn. He hasn't actually faced her since she walked in and now, it's starting to annoy her too. She knows that their ending was her fault, and that the fact that they haven't seen each other since is her fault too. But she needs him to face her, just as she's trying to face him, so he'll know that she wants their comfortable relationship to take the place of this awkwardness that settled in. Is that what he wants too?
She feels an unbelievable need to know.
Though, if he feels the same shiver she does when their eyes meet for the first time in days, he hides it very well. His voice is fast and business as usual when he asks her as quickly as she's ever heard him muster a sentence, "With powdered sugar?"
"Lots of it," she answers in an equally fast voice, hoping the catch in her throat isn't too noticeable.
"And frosting?"
"Do you have to ask?"
Just as she's turning her head to face her daughter, he asks, "And to drink?"
Lorelai catches a glimpse of Rory's shocked face before trying to cover her own, "God, I don't know, coffee?"
Luke stops scribbling for a second, seemingly shocked at her answer as well. He recovers quickly and says "Right," just before walking to the back of the diner again.
Despite the slight surprise, in fact, she understands the reason for such a shock with an obvious answer. After everything that happened, it feels strange, almost wrong, to her that everything is back to normal.
Why hasn't the world stopped spinning?
"Are you and Luke in a fight?"
"Uh? No," Lorelai answers, at the same time wondering if the nervousness was really that noticeable.
Rory narrows her eyes for what seems like the thousandth time that day and asks, "So you just decided to Speed Racer each other out of the blue?"
Lorelai would die denying, "What are you talking about? I'm talking normally."
"Yeah, if normal is 'IwouldliketothankmyfamilybutIwon'tbecausethatbandisjustabouttostartplaying'."
"I have no idea what you're talking about. And they always thank their families, it's only the husbands that they forget."
"Right," Rory smiles, "point is, you and Luke. No fight?"
Lorelai smiles as genuinely as she can, "No fight." Actually the problem is kind of the opposite, she thinks.
"Good." Rory takes a look around the diner and smiles at Babette but frowns when the elder woman only turns back to talking furiously to Miss Patty.
After a moment, Lorelai calls tentatively, "Hey, Rory?"
"What?"
"Did you think Luke was wearing anything different today?"
"You mean the flannel-jeans-and-cap combo of every day? No."
"Oh. Okay. But don't you think that flannel was weird? The color maybe?"
"Flannels are always kinda weird, mom. Especially in the summer."
"Yeah, you're right."
Luke comes with their plates at this very moment, saving Lorelai from having to explain to a confused Rory why the fascination with his clothes.
"Here," he mutters under his breath quickly.
"Thankyou," Lorelai says, earning an 'I told you so' amused look from Rory.
She smiles at Rory and turns to Luke with a smile still on her face and for the first time she actually sees this gentle but present mark on his face, on his eyes, that can only be sadness. Not like a wrinkle or anything as such, just this mark that changes a person subtly, saying that when he smiles, it doesn't fully reach his eyes anymore. It shakes her because no one will notice, except for her. It's the kind of mark that can only be seen with knowing.
And no one else knows.
She has it too.
And no one else will know.
Luke quietly moves out of the counter to talk to the other customers, and Lorelai is left watching his back sorrowfully.
Why is everyone talking as usual?
Because it is an usual day.
Only really, it isn't.
Because how can it be?
Interrupting her trail of thought, Rory starts hesitantly, "Hey?"
"Yeah?"
"When I was coming here, I saw Isis Alberti at the Gazebo with a bunch of very professionally looking people and Taylor. They were making a really big mess, Isis and Taylor were about to kill each other with their dagger-stares. Any idea what that's about?"
"Oh, must be about her kid's birthday party. Ugh, what's her name again?"
"Vivian?"
"Yep, that's the one. She turns sixteen next month."
Rory remembers Vivian as this tall, awkward, pale kid, "Oh, right. I wouldn't have tagged Vivian as a Parker Posey kind of girl."
"I heard she only wanted a small party for friends only and Isis just decided to turn full Mrs. Dalloway on her and invite the whole town plus all the nearby towns for a small family gathering at the Gazebo."
Her eyebrows come closer, making a confused face and Rory asks, "Really? But, a party like that takes months of preparation..."
"Yeah. It's been, what, six months they've been planning this? Lately every single day we hear about something else being brought in for the party. The funniest rumor was that there would be blue ponies going around that night."
"Oh."
"I betcha that kid is now wishing she had taken up that offer to go to Disney World as a sweet sixteen gift instead of a party. Invitation is on the kitchen table."
"Yeah," Rory searches her mind for a clue that she knew this was happening, but doesn't find any. Painfully, she wonders if she's really been so oblivious as to everything around her these past few months. With college and everything else happening, she didn't have time for much. "I wonder how I missed this. Six months ago I definitely hadn't gone to Europe yet."
Lorelai softens and realizes what's going on through her kid's head. Rory hasn't been herself; neither of them have. "Well, you've been busy."
"Still, if it's that big deal, I should have known something about it."
Seeing her daughter's look far away, trying to comprehend what happened different this semester, Lorelai catches herself wondering what happened to them. She cast a quiet glance towards Luke's back.
Everything changed.
Everything is changing.
Subtly, but these small changes make all the difference.
"Welcome back, kid."
The night of the Inn opening
She hadn't really noticed that she'd been holding a breath until the door slammed shut and her brain started screaming for oxygen. Sucking a deliberately slow breath, she calmly made her way towards the front door, preparing herself to shout a little more, just in time to catch Rory's first sob on the ground.
It took her less then a second to take in what was happening before starting to take small, measured steps towards her daughter.
Standing by Rory's side, she really did want to sit down with her and hold her as she cried, but instead she stood by her kid's side as she stagnantly sobbed. She couldn't just comfort her, she needed just as much comfort herself.
The black of the night seemed even more shadowy by the minute and though earlier in the evening the sky's bright stars gave the night a gentle and light feeling in a way that made her think everything was just beginning, the sky with diamonds, now they were just stars and even though the sky was full of them, none of them lit up the way. Everything was just beginning, and not in the good way.
She looked ahead, over Rory, to the tree in the yard. Fascinated not for any particular reason, just to focus on something steady as everything was spinning around.
Rory's noisy crying brought her dawdling back to reality, and carefully she placed her right head in Rory's shoulder. "Hon -" But as soon as she did that, Rory brutally took her shoulder away from under her mother's grip, hastily got up and turned back to their house.
She slowly turned and saw as Rory shut the door loudly on her way in. Lorelai turned back to the tree. Steady not spinning.
I hate you
for ruining this for me.
Taking a few more moments, looking but not really seeing, she walked back inside and saw Rory sitting on the couch staring straight ahead.
Lorelai caught her keys and her purse on the table where she'd left them.
"Stay here. You can have my bedroom if you want, I'm spending the night at the Inn."
Rory just kept staring ahead. Lorelai watched her face, it looked like one of someone who's sleeping and having a nightmare, with her eyes still open.
Sighing, she turned and walked out, locked the door and walked to her car. The only reason she could do that, she suspected, was because it was such a routine path. Had it been anything out of the ordinary, she wonders if she'd have the strength to do it, think of a new course.
All the way to the Inn she drove carefully but not really seeing much. The radio was turned on, some channel singing old love songs, but she didn't listen to them.
She was parking when she heard laughter and saw Sookie and Jackson walking together, and her friend was happier than she'd been in a while. Little boys are very cute, but a lot of work and Sookie seemed very glad to have a little time in such a happy night to walk with her husband. Lorelai watched as Sookie recognized her car and waved happily, and Jackson smiled to her too. She didn't do anything because she knew it was dark and they wouldn't be able to see her even if she waved back.
They walked inside the Inn and closed the door, but Lorelai stayed in her car.
Everything was quiet again, nothing but the night sounds around her.
"You plan on spending the night in there?" She heard his familiar voice say as he softly knocked on her closed window. She didn't turn to him, but she could hear the grin in his voice.
She knew he expected her to unlock the car so he'd be able to come in, and so she did. Without looking at him.
"I was just telling Sookie and Jackson about Kirk. They heard him screaming and running around and were kind of afraid. I swear to God, one of these days I'm gonna put Kirk in a...," as he said all that while he walked in and settled himself, only now it dawned on him that Lorelai probably didn't hear any of it, which he considered very strange since she usually interrupts and voices her opinions loud and clear as soon as, "Lorelai?"
Lorelai closed her eyes and rested her head against the seat. She really needed him.
"Luke, can we talk about it later?"
Luke stared at her, trying to understand what she was saying, to figure if it had a deeper meaning or if it was just that. He couldn't. "Uh, yeah, sure."
She wanted him there, so much.
"I just - such a busy night, I need some alone time," she dropped her head and rested it on the steering wheel as she said it, but still didn't so much as glance at him.
"Oh," he nodded and took a second to take in what was happening and then he turned, opened her car's door and stepped out.
Just as he was shutting the door, she called out, "Luke?"
He opened the door again carefully but didn't bend down to look at her as she said, "I'll call you tomorrow."
Lorelai turned to him and reached out her hand to hold his. He bend down and looked in, their eyes meeting. She tried to smile but it came out somber and it never quite reached her heart, "Goodnight."
"Night."
After Luke's, walking home
She isn't used to walking around and having people turn their heads away quickly, as if they had been caught staring or talking about her. As if they just couldn't look, like something you look at but it brings a terrible memory and so you try not to look at it as much as you can. But the difference is, with things you can either forget about it as time goes by, or just throw them away if it becomes too painful. With people it tends to be even more painful, but you can't throw them away, and it takes much more to forget.
It somehow makes it even worse that she knows those face-turnings aren't directed at her, because she's been here all summer and none of this happened. They're directed at her daughter. Her automatic response to it is a protective instinct towards Rory. The need to comfort and to hold and tell her that everything will be good. That people are just meddling and soon they'll forget about it. But she can't.
It's not true.
The breeze that was there before suddenly feels, to her, as cold as the looks she imagines they'd get from people if they dared to look their way. She braces herself and takes a peek at her side. Rory feels it too. Her face is down, as though something about the gray sidewalk patterns fascinates her.
Not everyone knows, of course. She remembers why she came here in the first place. Running away from her parent's house was something she'd do anyway. But Stars Hollow was the chosen destination for a simple reason; it was the only place that would take her like Jean took Cosette, with no questions asked, only worrying about the consequences later. She stayed because she realized that even though all the little freak-shows and prying, the people really cared. And they knew how to separate curious from inconvenient. When it was really important, at least.
Miss Patty, Babette, Morey and other people close to them had only found out a while ago. At first some of them, like Miss Patty, took it personally, the fact that they hadn't been told about it from Lorelai. But mostly they understood why it had been kept quiet and and while none of them approved what Rory and Dean had done, it was too late to undo it, and Rory was already stuck in their hearts. The major feeling around town was of bewildered disappointment, not of disdain or judgment.
Emily, Sookie and Luke were the only people she had actually told.
Though she could never have predicted that her daughter would sleep with a married man, and even though she doesn't even remotely approve of that attitude, Lorelai still knows Rory.
She knows Rory better than she knows herself.
And she knows that even though Rory craves for approval, the disappointment hurts her more than people pointing at her on the streets could ever do.
Because if you feel disappointed, it's because you care, or at least once did. And not many things hurt more than knowing you've hurt people you love. Than seeing the new light that people look at you in, reflected in their eyes.
And it distresses her, because Lorelai knows that such a light can also be seen in her own eyes.
When Lindsay found out what had happened, she didn't go around telling people. She could have, because from what Lorelai saw, the girl was very angry. But at first it was just her, Lindsay and Dean's close family and friends who knew little details about the separation. Slowly the story made and is still making it's way through all of Stars Hollow's ears. Lindsay didn't tell anyone, she supposes, because of the humiliation of having been cheated on. Because it was with someone she knew and someone who came before her. Something she thought was over, really wasn't and Lorelai supposes the girl felt her pride slipping away, as the marriage she thought was real turned out to be a lie.
Of course, Lorelai only met the kid briefly so there's no way she can figure out what she's thinking. Yet something about Lindsay made Lorelai think that it was a girl that knew about pride, and having it hurt, as much as Lorelai herself did.
Lindsay's folks respected her wish to not let the word run around town, and Dean's parents weren't very keen on telling people that the reason their son's one year old marriage ended was because he had slept with his ex. But the close friends they had told, in time, told their own close friends, and so on, and on, and on. And through the summer Lorelai's started seeing more and more quietly sympathetic looks being thrown Lindsay's way.
"C'mon, kiddo. Wuthering Heights is on today at two. If we walk faster we might catch the beginning."
Rory gladly abided and in a couple of seconds, they were back home.
Or back at the house, anyway.