One Step Forward

Disclaimer: Own nothing. Just playing.

Summary: Troops rallying around to help Spike.

Reviews: YES PLEASE! Need reviews. Want reviews. Begging for em. Muse works best with reviews in the inbox.

A/N: They're still doing their own thing, not doing much consulting with me before they do it. Still trying to move the plot along, this chapter is necessary for where we'll end up. So read/review and bear with me, promise some action soon.

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Xander shook himself from the almost trance-like state he'd fallen into when Spike had started to unravel. It had been the most shocking thing he'd ever seen in his life. Which, considering he grew up on the Hellmouth and the memories Spike had given him, that was saying a lot. In a harsh voice that sounded little like his own, he told Tara to take Dawn into the house. He turned Buffy around and hugged her. Setting her back away from him, he wiped the tears from her face and led her across the porch and through the front door. Making sure Buffy and Dawn were settled on the sofa, he nodded to Tara to take care of them and hurried back outside to help Angel with Spike.

Neither vampire had moved in the few minutes it had taken to get the girls inside. Xander knelt down and reached out a hand to Spike. The blond shied away, dark blue eyes wide with terror. It was all Angel could do to hang on to him and Xander pulled his hand back. Holding both hands up, palms out in a placating motion, he started to talk.

"Spike, come on, it's me. You know me. The Whelp. The human you like to pick on. Come on, Buddy, come back to us." Xander spoke softly, inching away slightly to give him a little comfort zone. "You gotta get better. I don't have so many male friends that I can afford to loose one."

"Memories. Bad thoughts. Made friend sad. Hates me again. Can't do it anymore." Spike babbled, not in a good Willow-speak way but in the insane vampire scary talking way, Xander noted.

Angel looked up at Xander's somber face and remembered what the boy had told him. Spike had transferred his memories to him. Every detail of Spike and Buffy's relationship had been sent into Xander's own memory.

"No. Spike, I don't hate you again. The memories made me sad, yes. But I can't hate you." Xander tried to reassure the shaking vampire. "Spike, we need to get you into the house. Your basement is just like you left it. If you stay out here you'll get crispy-fried. You don't want to get dusted, do you?"

Spike made eye contact with the brunette human in front of him, sapphire blue meeting chocolate brown. "Yes, please." He whispered so very politely. Xander turned away, unable to stop the tears from springing to the surface but not wanting Angel to see him cry.

Xander cleared his throat and tried again. "Spike. If you come down to the basement, you can go back to sleep."

Spike looked up again, with interest this time. "Sleep?" He questioned.

Xander nodded. "Yes, you like to sleep. Come down to the basement and we'll let you sleep all you want." He told him.

"Okay." The younger vampire looked more closely into Xander's eyes. "No tears, he's not worth it."

"We'll see." Xander told him as he and Angel helped Spike up. Xander and Angel each draped an arm over their shoulders. They each put an arm around Spike's slender body and walked him up the stairs. They guided him into the house and steered him through the dining room so he wouldn't see Buffy again. They couldn't go down the basement stairs three across so Angel took the brunt of his Childe's weight and guided him down the steep staircase. He pulled the ever-present duster off of Spike then sat him down on the edge of the bed. He knelt down and pulled the scuffed boots off. The elder vampire looked closely at Spike's thin face.

"Have you eaten today?" He asked gruffly.

Spike considered the question, before shaking his head. "Not hungry." He muttered.

Angel looked around at Xander. "I'll get it." Xander volunteered, dashing back up the stairs. He was back in a few minutes with some blood in Spike's favorite mug. Dawn had ordered the mug from a specialty shop in the mall. It was large, almost a pint, white with blood red letters proclaiming it belonged to the World's Best Brother. She'd given it to him on Father's Day, telling him that he was a better father to her than her own. What made it unusual was that the letters imprinted around the top appeared to bleed with little droplets falling down the porcelain and pooling around the bottom under the lettering. It was cute in a gruesome, bloody sort of way. She'd told the shopkeeper that her brother was heavily into vampire movies and collected all things pertaining to vampires. Everyone knew that it was Spike's mug and no one touched it fearing the wrath of Dawn. Xander had found it pushed all the way back in the corner of the topmost shelf.

Angel took the mug and held it out to Spike. He looked at it sadly. "Niblet." He tipped it up and sipped slowly, making a face when the container was lowered. "Not hungry." He turned his face away. Pushing the mug back towards Angel, he laid down and covered up, scooting back up to the wall defensively. "Can I have another pillow?" Xander got one from the other bed that was still there from the weekend Spike's magic had appeared. The young vampire grabbed the proffered pillow and hugged it tightly as if using it for a shield. "Can I sleep now, Sire?" Closing his eyes without waiting for an answer, he fell asleep as easily as a small child.

By unspoken mutual agreement, Angel and Xander retreated up to the kitchen. Xander got out two clean mugs and emptied a packet of blood into one, shoving it into the microwave. The other he placed near the coffee maker and began the process of brewing some coffee. Neither male was ready to go into the living room and face the upset females they both knew were waiting for them.

Xander leaned on the counter propped up on his outstretched arms. His head bowed low so that his chin nearly rested on his chest. Without moving, he spoke to Angel.

"This is my fault." He stated.

Angel frowned. "How do you figure?" He asked.

Xander got the mug from the microwave and handed it to the master vampire. "I pushed him to tell me what happened with Buffy. Then I ratted him out to Giles who went over and made him talk about it, that's when he went catatonic. Tonight I talked him into coming over here after he told me he didn't want to. He just wanted to sleep and I wouldn't let him. If I'd left him alone in the first place he'd be fine. I'm to blame for the way he is now."

"Xander. It's okay. If you'd left him alone he would have retreated until there was nothing left. Now we have to find a way to get him back again. If you're going to assign blame, don't forget to give me a big portion of it. If I hadn't abandoned him in the first place he wouldn't have felt so inferior for so long. He hasn't been inferior since he killed his first slayer. He was only a few years old at the time." Angel finished his blood and walked over to the sink to wash out the mug so he could have some coffee.

"Neither of you are to blame." Tara spoke from the doorway, startling the two men. "It all comes down to a set of circumstances that individually wouldn't have damaged him but all of them put together created a psychological burden no one could have withstood."

"Where are Dawn and Buffy?" Xander asked, peering through the open door to the empty living room.

"I made them go to bed." The blonde witch answered.

"They went willingly?" Angel asked disbelievingly.

Tara smiled slightly. "Well... They did after I put a calming spell on them." She admitted.

Xander sagged with relief. "I like your style." He told her with a slight smile of his own. He looked at her more closely remembering her tears mixing with Dawn's on the porch. "Are you okay?"

Tara got a cup and poured herself some coffee. "I've been better. That was so hard to watch. I knew he had some problems coping last summer but I had thought with Buffy being back he was doing much better. When she asked me to research the spell we did to bring her back I found out that she and Spike were.... But she's fine. She asked how she could let him do those things to her. She never said anything about doing anything to him. What did he mean by 'That's what I said. And she hurt me. She hurt me and left me there.' Left him where? What set him off?" She asked as she sat at the table to sip her drink.

Angel took the chair next to Tara. He looked at Xander. "What was it I said that did it?" He questioned quietly.

Xander sat down at the table. Staring at the table top as if he found it very interesting, Xander realized that he hadn't told Angel everything about Spike and Buffy's affair, just enough to convince him to go to England. The details he'd shared had not included the fight behind the police station. Swallowing audibly, he closed his eyes. Deliberately keeping his voice expressionless. He allowed the memories to surface and began reciting the events of that night. As he finished his recitation, he slammed the door on the memories again and opened his eyes. The silence in the small kitchen was complete. Tara sat stunned with tears welling in her smoky blue eyes. Angel hunched over the table as if he'd received a blow to the heart.

"Oh my God." Tara whispered.

"Yeah." Xander said quietly.

Angel cleared his throat. "How did he get back to his crypt?"

"I have no clue." Xander shook his head. "Um, look, I promised Spike I wouldn't tell anyone what happened and now I've told Giles and both of you. Don't let on that you know. Okay?"

Tara patted his hand. "I don't think he'll mind. We had to know so we can help him. We just have to take it one step at a time. Is he still talking?"

Angel nodded. "But it's like he's not quite him. Did you hear him? He told Xander and Dawn 'He's not worth it.' I don't know how to describe it."

"I know that one thing is not enough to make someone as strong as Spike crack. What else is there?" Tara looked at Angel, knowing he held some of the answers she needed.

The dark vampire stalled by getting up and refilling his coffee. Once he was seated again, he reiterated the list he'd comprised in his head the night before.

Xander shook his head. "That would have made me put a bullet through my brain."

Tara sighed. "It's a wonder he didn't snap sooner." She yawned. "I think I need to sleep on it. Do you think anyone will mind if I use Willow's room?" She glanced out the window. "It's almost dawn, we all need to get some rest. We won't be able to help Spike if we're run down."

Angel agreed. "I'll take the extra bed in the basement. Xander, are you going home?"

Xander shook his head. "I think I'll just camp on the sofa. Don't think I'll get much sleep. Too many nightmares."

Angel made his way quietly down the stairs. He went over to Spike's bed and sat down on the edge gently so as not to disturb his sleeping Childe. Spike looked almost innocent tucked up against the wall clutching his pillow. Angel gazed at the pillow being held so fiercely, wondering why Spike felt the need for something to hold. His thick lashes cast dark shadows on his lean cheekbones and his dark brows were drawn together in a slight frown. Whatever he was dreaming about, it wasn't very pleasant. Angel noted with some amusement that even sleeping Spike kept up the habit of breathing. He pulled the blanket farther up onto Spike's shoulder before going over to his own bed for some much needed sleep.

'What are you going to be like tomorrow?' He wondered just before he drifted off.

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Wesley, Cordelia, Fred and Gunn approached the Summers house almost apprehensively. They hadn't heard from Angel since they had left him there the night before. Wesley knocked on the door and was startled with Xander answered almost immediately.

"Xander. Why are you still here?" The former Watcher asked.

Xander stood back to allow the foursome entry. Scrubbing a hand over his weary face, he moved back over to the living room sofa and slumped there looking exhausted. The AI team looked at each other with concern.

Gunn claimed the easy chair. "Xander, man, you're looking pretty rough. What happened after we left last night?"

The brunette Scooby let out a huge sigh. "Spike had a complete and total meltdown. Angel said something to him and he just snapped."

Wesley sat down on the sofa next to the younger man. "Is he catatonic again?"

Xander shook his head. "Oh no, he's talking. It's just that most of what he says doesn't make much sense."

Fred looked around. "Where are they? Spike and Angel, where are they?"

"In the basement. We vampire proofed it last summer when Spike moved in to take care of Dawn. It's Spike's room and we didn't change it after he moved out so it was still safe for them to spend the night." Xander informed them.

Dawn chose that moment to come downstairs. She looked tired. She gave a small wave to the visitors and shuffled into the kitchen for something to eat. Cordy and Fred followed her to see if they could help.

Cordy helped the still shell-shocked teen with her breakfast even though it was past noon.

Fred explored the kitchen, poking into drawers and cabinets. She made her way over to the basement door. Checking to make sure the others weren't watching, she cautiously opened the door and slipped through it. Angel glanced up from his chair next to Spike's bed as she quietly made her way down the stairs. He smiled at her and motioned her forward. Spike was awake and Angel had been talking to him although the younger vampire had yet to say anything.

"Hi, Angel. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude. I just wanted to see how Spike was doing. I heard about last night. Are you okay?" She babbled nervously.

Spike had retreated back to the wall when Fred entered the room but inched forward when she started speaking. He smiled at her happily.

"Fred. Pretty scientist." He observed. Angel looked at him in surprise. It was the first thing he'd said in the ten minutes he had been awake.

Angel motioned for Fred to sit in his chair. "Stay with him for a few minutes. I need to get him something to eat. Spike, I'm going upstairs. Stay with Fred."

Spike frowned, reaching around to find his pillow. "Sire's leaving?"

"No. I'm just going upstairs to get you something to eat." Angel repeated. "I'll be right back. Talk to Fred."

The blond didn't look happy but nodded anyway. "Okay."

Fred followed Angel to the base of the stairs. "Is he all right?" She asked in her soft Texas accent.

Angel gazed at her wonderingly. "Recognizing you was the first coherent thing he's done since he woke up. Please stay and talk to him." She smiled, happy she could be of help, she'd been feeling a little left out. Most of the time she felt as if she weren't part of the team, merely a bystander while the others did all the work. She moved back to the chair and sat down, smiling at the blond vampire sitting Indian-style in the middle of the bed.

Spike looked down shyly. "Hi."

"Hi." She answered. "How are you, Spike?"

"Not Spike." He mumbled.

"You're not?" Fred was puzzled. "Then who are you?"

He looked puzzled then shrugged. "Don't know. Not Will. Not Spike. Not anyone." He told her softly.

"Why aren't you Spike?" Fred questioned gently.

He shook his head slightly. "Spike is bad. Did bad things." He leaned forward as if telling a secret. "Spike's not good enough." He whispered.

"Not good enough for what?" Fred asked him, still using a gentle tone.

He bit his lip as if debating how much he could share. She was pretty and he wanted her to like him but she wouldn't if she knew. "Not good enough to love." He finally admitted.

The brunette shook her head. "That's not what I heard." She told him.

Spike tilted his head, puzzled. "You heard something?"

She nodded, leaning forward imitating his position. "I heard that Spike is very good and does a lot of good things." She was startled when he backed away not stopping until he bumped against the wall. He pulled his pillow over and hugged it tight to his chest. He looked at her and she saw his beautiful blue eyes had filled with tears. He made no sound; the tears just welled up and spilled down his lean cheeks. Following her instincts, she climbed up onto the bed and shuffled over to take him in her arms. She made shushing noises as she pulled his head onto her shoulder.

"What's wrong?" She whispered.

He buried his face into her neck. She had a passing thought that she should be afraid of having him so close to her neck. But couldn't feel anything but sympathy. He said something she couldn't make out and she set him back a little so she could look into his handsome features. "What did you say?" She asked gently.

Spike closed his eyes, tears streaming down his face. "Then why doesn't anyone love him?" His dejected whisper broke her heart. Tears of her own slid down her face as she tugged him back to her shoulder. "Everyone leaves. That means they don't love him, right?" She heard him mumble. She felt him shaking and held him tighter while she thought about how to answer.

Angel watched from the step he'd dropped onto when he'd heard Spike say he wasn't good enough. He had watched as little Fred crawled across the bed to comfort the weeping vampire she barely knew. Now he listened intently to find out what she would say.

Fred held him until she could feel the shaking lessen slightly. She eased him back until she could see his face. "Hey." She tilted his chin a little so she could see his eyes. "Just because someone leaves, it doesn't mean they don't love you. It just means they can't be where you are. I love my parents very much but I had to leave them in Texas. And just because I can't be there with them doesn't mean they love me any less or that I don't love them. Do you know what I just found out?"

He shook his head, turning away from her.

"Do you remember that I spent five years in another dimension called Pylea?" She put a finger under his chin and tilted his head back to face hers, making sure she still had his attention. He nodded that he remembered.

"I found out that just because I was gone all that time and my parents didn't know where I was they didn't stop loving me. I found out that love doesn't stop just because someone has to leave. Do you understand?" She told him. He sat back and wiped his face with his hand.

"But Dru left me. She said she didn't love me anymore." Spike pouted.

Fred smiled. "She was obviously insane."

He laughed. "Totally bonkers, she was." He sobered as he thought for a moment. "Angel didn't care. He was gone for over one hundred years."

"And he thought about you every minute." Angel said quietly from the stairs. He got up and walked across the floor, taking the chair.

"Bollocks, not every minute." Spike scoffed. He scowled down at the bed and poked at the pillow with slender fingers.

The older vampire smiled slightly. "Okay, maybe not EVERY minute. But a whole lot of them." He looked down at the mug he still held in his hand. "I always regretted turning you."

Spike gripped the pillow tighter. It was one of his biggest fears, having his Sire admit what a disappointing Childe he'd been.

Angel glanced up and saw the devastation on Spike's face. "No, Will, not like that. You were never a disappointment. No, what I regretted was taking a sensitive, gentle poet and turning him into a monster. That's not how your life should have ended. But I really didn't have much choice. Dru had drained you so much that if I hadn't finished it you would have died that night. I couldn't let that happen. I could tell you were special. So I trained you, tried to make you just like me. But you were always different. In some ways you surpassed me. You reveled in the killing. No matter what I said at the time, I couldn't let you know how proud I was of the demon you became." Angel handed his Childe the mug of blood.

Spike drank some of it before speaking. "Then why did you leave without saying anything?"

Angel studied the floor. "Darla kicked me out. She told me not to come back, ever. You didn't want to be around me with my shiny new soul. None of you did. Dru and Darla were disgusted by me. You weren't. I think I reminded you too much of what you'd lost." He looked back up at his Childe and saw with sorrow that they were losing him again. His sapphire gaze had gotten distant and he was focusing on the far wall instead of on his Sire.

Spike finished the mug's contents and handed the empty container to Angel. He yawned. "Tired now." He looked at Fred, still sitting next to him on the bed. He reached over and traced her face with his finger. "So pretty. Thank you."

Fred took his hand in her smaller one and pressed her face into his palm. "You're not so bad yourself and you're welcome." She scooted to the edge of the bed and got down. Spike stretched out and snuggled up against the wall. Fred leaned over and covered him up. His blue eyes fluttered closed.

"I'm not special." He muttered as he fell asleep.

"Ah, Will, you have no idea." Angel said quietly.